September Spiders

[Lee909]

Who catches a spider if its in the dishwasher.

Close the door and turn the bloody thing on

[Paulie Dangerously]

Just had a monster in our kitchen, it is now outside, hopefully dying.

 

I'll be getting a few cans of Raid tomorrow

[RedKnight]

I had a spider last week with a wing span of at least 2 inches, so big I could see it's pincers. I named him Monstro, he was a fighter, I dropped a weight on him and he escaped (minus a leg). It took kitchen roll to dispatch him, I'm pretty confident he'd have punched his way out of toilet roll. I left his leg on the floor for a few days as a warning to other known spiders in the area.

[JohnnyH]

I was going to search this thread down and post in the morning. Had a fucking giant in the sitting room earlier. Fucking massive with huge big eyes and everything. Crushed the fucker in bog roll and flushed him. I hate this time of year for the bastards. Don't mind the little fellas but when there bigger then your hand I get a bit freaked out.

[Joe Le Taxi]

When you said wingspan I thought of flying spiders, that shit is scary.

[Jennings]

A girl in our house at Uni didn't was getting annoyed because I killed one.

She said "Jennings, you cruel bastard, don't kill them".

Next time there was one in her room I went to kill it - she said "NO!" (as most girls in their rooms say to me). She then got a cup to catch it 'humanely'. She pushed the cup over it, chopping off three of its legs. Much more humane.

 

"Whoops." she said.

[RedKnight]

When you said wingspan I thought of flying spiders, that shit is scary.

 

Obviously it's leg span but wing span sounds more impressive and believe me, Monstro was impressive. The only reason I had to dispatch him is he'd need to pay me rent and the council would want more money for council tax for another occupant. We all know spiders are tight with money.

 

 

There were some weird spiders outside my front door last week. They kind of looked like daddy long legs (the cunts) but they had little black bodies and they couldn't fly. I found that out when I flicked them off the door frame and they all just fell to the ground like a sack of shit.

[Joe Le Taxi]

Hahaha I know what you mean, ace story though.

[RedKnight]

If Godzilla ever comes out of retirement he could easily duke it out with Monstro.

[Magic Sponge]

Monstro sounds like the name of a French, young, aspiring artist.

[RedKnight]

Maybe if he was a street artist. Like Banksy.

[taliesin08]

Spiders are sound, they kill all the horrible fuckers in your house.

[Magic Sponge]

Spiders are sound, they kill all the horrible fuckers in your house.

 

Women?

[Medazza]

Yes, the cunts are back. We had loads of decorating done (we live in an old house) and I was hoping the sealing up of some holes under skirting boards would solve the problem.

 

But no, there it ran across the floor as fast as Usain Bolt. Didn't escape my shoe though.

1-0 to me, though the fuckers will be re-grouping and planning their next attack

[Plewggs]

I had a spider last week with a wing span of at least 2 inches, so big I could see it's pincers. I named him Monstro, he was a fighter, I dropped a weight on him and he escaped (minus a leg). It took kitchen roll to dispatch him, I'm pretty confident he'd have punched his way out of toilet roll. I left his leg on the floor for a few days as a warning to other known spiders in the area.

 

Big spiders are female, the little wimpy ones male.

 

Referring to biggies as male is misogynistic sexism that typifies broken-Britain and the failings of the Big Society.

 

The courts are too lenient with persistent offenders.

Longer prison sentences and the return of national service is the only solution.

[Tossed and blown]

Used to live in a really old house with loads of beams and little crannies. One monster decided to set up home in a little gap in the ceiling next to a beam, but never gave me enough to go at with the usual weapons, typically leaving a leg or two on display, which I imagine is the arachnoid equivalent of flicking a V.

So I put a bit of sugar in the tip of an air rifle and gave it the good news. I may have even said 'You Sarah Connor?' in a teutonic accent during the despatch.

[ChrisM]

The benefits of having an awesome cat become apparent during Spider Season, as mine has developed the habit of either licking spiders to death, or licking them until their legs fall off, at which point she bats them under the sofa, using a technique not too dissimilar to horizontal basketball dribbling.

 

It's like a fucking warzone under there.

[Tossed and blown]

There were some weird spiders outside my front door last week. They kind of looked like daddy long legs (the cunts) but they had little black bodies and they couldn't fly.

 

Daddy Liders? Anyone seen one?

[Pony Princess]

There were some weird spiders outside my front door last week. They kind of looked like daddy long legs (the cunts) but they had little black bodies and they couldn't fly. I found that out when I flicked them off the door frame and they all just fell to the ground like a sack of shit.

 

I'm guessing that would be the 'harvestman' which is my least favourite of eight-legged things. Although they are not true spiders, they are still fucking disgusting.

 

This morning I was getting the motorbike out of the garden and a horrible orbweaver (fat body, short legs, large circular webs) had made a web right across the gate so I'm there in my leathers breaking down a spiders web, spider still in the middle of it, with a yard-brush.

 

Don't need that at 8am I tell you. Same as ChrisM, I have a cat who dines on spiders and haven't seen many of them inside this year.

[JohnnyH]

I have google searched and imaged and can confirm that the fella in my house yesterday was “Tegenaria duellica”. And it turns out the little fuckers bite!!!! Fuck that shite. Glad I killed it.

[Plewggs]

[Edward.]

They've only come out to shag and you cunts are killing them.

[RedKnight]

Big spiders are female, the little wimpy ones male.

 

Referring to biggies as male is misogynistic sexism that typifies broken-Britain and the failings of the Big Society.

 

The courts are too lenient with persistent offenders.

Longer prison sentences and the return of national service is the only solution.

 

Hey I like to think Monstro was a bloke. Same as I like to think the T-Rex is Jurassic Park was a fella too.

[Guest davelfc]

They've only come out to shag and you cunts are killing them.

 

I suppose if they're coming out to get 'fucked' then objective achieved. (Although I doubt a size 11.5 trainer was in their mind until of course it actually was)

[Edward.]

Probably the last thing that past through their mind.