The world of a woman.

[Chip Butty]

Bonnet de douche, Paulie, bonnet de douche! 

[Harry Squatter]

On 06/01/2024 at 18:33, Paulie Dangerously said:

Dropped her ma at the airport at 4am this morning. Got this a few hours later from MrsD 

 

My ma did this in Marks and Spencers in Lord Street years ago. It was about 2 weeks after the Grand National was cancelled because of the IRA bomb threat. 

[lifetime fan]

The missus has stopped leaving extremely sharp knives bed in the washing up bowl or putting them in the dishwasher now thank fuck. 
 

But last night left a handmade oak chopping board in the sink to ‘soak all night’. 

[Ezekiel 25:17]

On 24/12/2023 at 16:17, Bjornebye said:

Why whenever they're going out do they shout from upstairs and expect you to drop what you're doing to find things for them? "Where's my boots?" "Where's my black bag?" "Have you seen my car keys?" "Where's everything that ever existed?" Rush around rush around you've been sat down for an hour watching Harry Potter 

 

 

As soon as they're down the realise something is still upstairs, I wonder who's going back up for that...

[Ezekiel 25:17]

My Mrs despite being shit at the Chase and quizzes generally likes to criticise someones answers in the final chase and we subsequently miss the next two questions at least whilst she's shouting shit, incredibly annoying.

[Harry Squatter]

What is it with women and their social media photos using filters or doctored photos?.

 

Girl in work joined my team before Christmas. Never met her before but I have about 20 mutual friends with her on Facebook and she always comes up as a friend suggestion. Let's just say her photos bear absolute no resemblance to her real self.

 

I walked past her desk about 4 times before she introduced herself to me. She's about 5 stone heavier, brillo pad hair and has skin worse than the Thing from the Fantastic 4. 

 

It wasn't too far off this transformation:

 

 

[Section_31]

Imagine when the Japanese perfect the AI sex robot, 289 pounds form B&Q. Balding men will be walking around with these pan Asian replicants and the world of a woman will be like mad max, loads of wobbly women in Tenna pants throwing empty bottles of the wine at the cat, and young attractive women trying to figure out how to climb the career ladder via legitimate means, and wondering how to entertain themselves in pubs without causing fights.

[deiseach]

My wife thinks the slot where the drip tray on the coffee maker goes into the machine connects to a pipe that drains the tray. That's the only explanation for why she never, ever, empties it. No amount of liquid flowing out of the tray seems to make the penny drop. See also: the congealed gunk on the milk frother. She makes a super cup of tea though. 

[Harry Squatter]

1 hour ago, Section_31 said:

Imagine when the Japanese perfect the AI sex robot, 289 pounds form B&Q. Balding men will be walking around with these pan Asian replicants and the world of a woman will be like mad max, loads of wobbly women in Tenna pants throwing empty bottles of the wine at the cat, and young attractive women trying to figure out how to climb the career ladder via legitimate means, and wondering how to entertain themselves in pubs without causing fights.

That Marilyn Monroe quote will become completely redundant. 

[tokyojoe]

On 06/01/2024 at 18:33, Paulie Dangerously said:

Dropped her ma at the airport at 4am this morning. Got this a few hours later from MrsD 

 

I left a briefcase unattended at Beirut airport. Barely got questioned.

[Strontium]

She was trying to close tabs on Chrome on her iPad, and couldn't understand why it wasn't working. She was opening new ones instead. 77 open tabs she had.

[Mudface]

26 minutes ago, Strontium said:

She was trying to close tabs on Chrome on her iPad, and couldn't understand why it wasn't working. She was opening new ones instead. 77 open tabs she had.

 

My Mum did something similar on her phone and wondered why it was so slow. She is 78 though.

[littletedwest]

Fair play to your mum. My mum doesn't even call it the Internet she regularly calls me saying " it says I need go on that w w w dot"

[VladimirIlyich]

10 hours ago, Mudface said:

 

My Mum did something similar on her phone and wondered why it was so slow. She is 78 though.

My 84 old mum does the same on her ipad. Apparently the 'x' button in the top right corner 'never works.' This despite me easily closing 50 of them every time I look at the ipad.

[Arniepie]

got a cracker.

Been messaging this girl for the last weeks. Gets on really well and arranges for her to come to ours on friday.

Takes Thursday off to spruce the house up, picks her up on Friday and when she gets her she says she cant stay her cos the house is a bit dusty(she has asthma). Offers to pay for a hotel instead,books it and then nips to the shop whilst she gets ready.

Gets a phone call from her in tears saying come back,race back thinking someone has broken in and she is crying saying she just wants to go home.

Fuming, take her back to the station and sit with her in the boozer waiting for a train. The ice breaks a bit and she says how embarrassed she is..we start to laugh about it and say we keep in touch.

Message incessantly for the last few days,arrange to meet on sat and she says she thinks she is falling for me.

Gets a text this morning saying she doesnt wanna talk and can we leave it for a bit.   

 

fucking basket case.

[Creator Supreme]

10 minutes ago, Arniepie said:

got a cracker.

Been messaging this girl for the last weeks. Gets on really well and arranges for her to come to ours on friday.

Takes Thursday off to spruce the house up, picks her up on Friday and when she gets her she says she cant stay her cos the house is a bit dusty(she has asthma). Offers to pay for a hotel instead,books it and then nips to the shop whilst she gets ready.

Gets a phone call from her in tears saying come back,race back thinking someone has broken in and she is crying saying she just wants to go home.

Fuming, take her back to the station and sit with her in the boozer waiting for a train. The ice breaks a bit and she says how embarrassed she is..we start to laugh about it and say we keep in touch.

Message incessantly for the last few days,arrange to meet on sat and she says she thinks she is falling for me.

Gets a text this morning saying she doesnt wanna talk and can we leave it for a bit.   

 

fucking basket case.

Change your locks, change your phone number, move, emigrate even.

 

Otherwise in a few weeks you'll come home to a dark house and you'll just hear "You're my wife now Dave"!

[littletedwest]

17 minutes ago, Arniepie said:

got a cracker.

Been messaging this girl for the last weeks. Gets on really well and arranges for her to come to ours on friday.

Takes Thursday off to spruce the house up, picks her up on Friday and when she gets her she says she cant stay her cos the house is a bit dusty(she has asthma). Offers to pay for a hotel instead,books it and then nips to the shop whilst she gets ready.

Gets a phone call from her in tears saying come back,race back thinking someone has broken in and she is crying saying she just wants to go home.

Fuming, take her back to the station and sit with her in the boozer waiting for a train. The ice breaks a bit and she says how embarrassed she is..we start to laugh about it and say we keep in touch.

Message incessantly for the last few days,arrange to meet on sat and she says she thinks she is falling for me.

Gets a text this morning saying she doesnt wanna talk and can we leave it for a bit.   

 

fucking basket case.

Sounds the opposite of what happened to my mate. He meets this bird, when pissed.

Agrees go on a date.sees her and she's fatter than be remembered.

Gets pissed with her and thinks fuck it.when she takes her clothes off he realises he can't.

 

She then locks him in her house and won't let him leave. For some reason rather than just kicking off he ran upstairs wrapped himself in all her towels and threaten jump out an upstairs window.

She let him out then 

[Arniepie]

Just now, littletedwest said:

Sounds the opposite of what happened to my mate. He meets this bird, when pissed.

Agrees go on a date.sees her and she's fatter than be remembered.

Gets pissed with her and thinks fuck it.when she takes her clothes off he realises he can't.

 

She then locks him in her house and won't let him leave. For some reason rather than just kicking off he ran upstairs wrapped himself in all her towels and threaten jump out an upstairs window.

She let him out then 

Outstanding!!

[manwiththestick]

25 minutes ago, Arniepie said:

got a cracker.

Been messaging this girl for the last weeks. Gets on really well and arranges for her to come to ours on friday.

Takes Thursday off to spruce the house up, picks her up on Friday and when she gets her she says she cant stay her cos the house is a bit dusty(she has asthma). Offers to pay for a hotel instead,books it and then nips to the shop whilst she gets ready.

Gets a phone call from her in tears saying come back,race back thinking someone has broken in and she is crying saying she just wants to go home.

Fuming, take her back to the station and sit with her in the boozer waiting for a train. The ice breaks a bit and she says how embarrassed she is..we start to laugh about it and say we keep in touch.

Message incessantly for the last few days,arrange to meet on sat and she says she thinks she is falling for me.

Gets a text this morning saying she doesnt wanna talk and can we leave it for a bit.   

 

fucking basket case.

She sounds that potentially she could turn a bit stabby, chalk it down as a massive drama swerved.

[sir roger]

Do you have any rabbits, Arnie ?

[Mook]

My mate went home on the bus the other night & it was only about 11pm so I went down my local for a few brandies, I was standing at the bar minding my own business and this bird turns round from her pals & starts chatting to me. We were getting on like a house on fire for about 20 minutes, even taking the piss out each other, I was finished my drink & spotted she was finished hers so casually said, "Can I get you a drink?".

 

Honestly, you'd think I'd asked for her thoughts on statutory rape. She couldn't get away quick enough. 

 

I rarely speak to girls when I'm out but it'll be even less frequent now. Bunch of fucking mental cases.

[Curly]

56 minutes ago, sir roger said:

Do you have any rabbits, Arnie ?

He used to

[Fowlers God]

On 26/01/2024 at 20:33, Strontium said:

She was trying to close tabs on Chrome on her iPad, and couldn't understand why it wasn't working. She was opening new ones instead. 77 open tabs she had.

 

On 26/01/2024 at 20:59, Mudface said:

 

My Mum did something similar on her phone and wondered why it was so slow. She is 78 though.

 

Is your Mum fucking SD?

[Mudface]

38 minutes ago, Fowlers God said:

 

 

Is your Mum fucking SD?

 

Hope not, she can do much better. 

[Strontium]

I can't really comeback there, it's probably true.