One night stands

[TheHowieLama]

Flam.

[Pureblood]

Flange flam.

 

(rim shot)

[VERBAL DIARRHEA]

This thread has brought back memories of my days as a male Escort, I'm sorry to say I regularly overcharged ladies for a Portuguese Breakfast

[General Dryness]

This thread has brought back memories of my days as a male Escort, I'm sorry to say I regularly overcharged ladies for a Portuguese Breakfast

 

I just looked that up. Be grateful it was never served with blue waffles.

[VERBAL DIARRHEA]

I just looked that up. Be grateful it was never served with blue waffles.

I was noted for my Cincinatti Bow Tie. It was the shit.

[FanchesterCity]

Boston Pancakes seem to have gone off the menu

[Fowlers God]

I got propositioned by a 20 year old, with a see through top (massive norks) a size 8 body on Sat.

 

I turned it down as I am a married man. Life fucking hurts sometimes.

[Guest Numero Veinticinco]

I got propositioned by a 20 year old, with a see through top (massive norks) a size 8 body on Sat.

 

I turned it down as I am a married man. Life fucking hurts sometimes.

Not sure whether to rep or neg that. I don't neg very often, but passing that up is neg worthy. Unfortunately, I place a lot of value on loyalty. So that's a rep. As long as you have a sly wank about the 20 year old, enorkmous titted bird, I suppose I won't tut too hard.

[FanchesterCity]

I went down that road once.... ended up putting the girl's number in my phone and the wife found it.

Thankfully I managed to blag my way out of it and say 'Charlotte' was the name of a horse I'd placed a bet on.

 

All was well for a couple of days, until I woke up one morning clattered by a frying pan around the head...

 

I had no clue what I'd done until the wife said "by the way... your horse rang"

[Paulie Dangerously]

Had some mad ones in my Krazyhouse yoof including shagging a bird on the K1 floor by the DJ box on a crowded Saturday night. Good times. Now I struggle if I think the dog is watching

[Fowlers God]

Not sure whether to rep or neg that. I don't neg very often, but passing that up is neg worthy. Unfortunately, I place a lot of value on loyalty. So that's a rep. As long as you have a sly wank about the 20 year old, enorkmous titted bird, I suppose I won't tut too hard.

It hurt when she came, sat on my lap and asked me if I had a GF. She basicly shit herself when I said a wife and 3 kids.

[stevebaby]

I went down that road once.... ended up putting the girl's number in my phone and the wife found it.

Thankfully I managed to blag my way out of it and say 'Charlotte' was the name of a horse I'd placed a bet on.

 

All was well for a couple of days, until I woke up one morning clattered by a frying pan around the head...

 

I had no clue what I'd done until the wife said "by the way... your horse rang"

Did the horse at least win?

[stringvest]

he gave her what's known in the game as a sheepskin noseband.

[AL66GOLF]

I went down that road once.... ended up putting the girl's number in my phone and the wife found it.

Thankfully I managed to blag my way out of it and say 'Charlotte' was the name of a horse I'd placed a bet on.

 

All was well for a couple of days, until I woke up one morning clattered by a frying pan around the head...

 

I had no clue what I'd done until the wife said "by the way... your horse rang"

An old one but I still laughed out loud.

[Code]

One night stands can be risky business, especially if one part is cheating on someone.

 

Two days ago a guy was beaten to death with a bottle in the early hours by his neighbour when the neighbour caught him in bed with his girlfriend.

 

This happened just  15 minutes away from where I grew up as well, scary shit.

[General Dryness]

Had some mad ones in my Krazyhouse yoof including shagging a bird on the K1 floor by the DJ box on a crowded Saturday night. Good times. Now I struggle if I think the dog is watching

 

My cats a cunt for that. Theres been many occasions where me and the missus have been about to get down to it, and he hops up on the bed, all like "S'up?".

 

Does it deliberately I reckon, just because he's got no nuts. "Fuck my sex life up, quid pro quo Hudu old boy."

[General Dryness]

One night stands can be risky business, especially if one part is cheating on someone.

 

Two days ago a guy was beaten to death with a bottle in the early hours by his neighbour when the neighbour caught him in bed with his girlfriend.

 

This happened just  15 minutes away from where I grew up as well, scary shit.

 

I'd got into joke mode after Fanchesters effort, so I was reading this and waiting for a punchline.

[VERBAL DIARRHEA]

I'd got into joke mode after Fanchesters effort, so I was reading this and waiting for a punchline.

Or in this case a bottle line

[General Dryness]

Or in this case a bottle line

 

Zing!

[Adebisi]

First time I go with a proper dirt box I fell ill a few days later and I convinced she'd given me bad aids. One minute I was too hot and had to strip to my pants, the next I'd be in 4 layers and still shivering. Anything I ate would come up shortly after, pure liquid sick, no chunks, just liquid. Got to the point where I just sacked off leaving my room and just puked into bin bags for close to 48 hours. My mates thought it was a giggle but I was convinced I was going to die at 19. Couldn't remember her name either so tracking her down on myspace was a no-go. 

All I can remember thinking as I laid there was 'Was she worth it?' and tbf, she probably was truth be told. She taught me that what happens in the movies isn't bollocks like some would have you believe and that some women really can get the whole thing in their mouth and tongue your balls at the same time. On the third day I felt right as rain and put it down as an infection or bug, but it was a scary few days. 

[Section_31]

This thread should be added to the getting older thread too, because reading it just makes me want to go to bed on my own and watch something reasonably sedate.

[General Dryness]

First time I go with a proper dirt box I fell ill a few days later and I convinced she'd given me bad aids. One minute I was too hot and had to strip to my pants, the next I'd be in 4 layers and still shivering. Anything I ate would come up shortly after, pure liquid sick, no chunks, just liquid. Got to the point where I just sacked off leaving my room and just puked into bin bags for close to 48 hours. My mates thought it was a giggle but I was convinced I was going to die at 19. Couldn't remember her name either so tracking her down on myspace was a no-go. 

 

All I can remember thinking as I laid there was 'Was she worth it?' and tbf, she probably was truth be told. She taught me that what happens in the movies isn't bollocks like some would have you believe and that some women really can get the whole thing in their mouth and tongue your balls at the same time. On the third day I felt right as rain and put it down as an infection or bug, but it was a scary few days. 

 

Not being funny mate, but did popping along to your doctor not occur to you? Could have saved yourself a few days of worry, and got educated on AIDS and its symptoms etc. too.

 

And the bit in bold? Have a word with yourself lad.

[Adebisi]

Not being funny mate, but did popping along to your doctor not occur to you? Could have saved yourself a few days of worry, and got educated on AIDS and its symptoms etc. too.

 

And the bit in bold? Have a word with yourself lad.

This is before I became a worrier and getting myself to the doctors didn't enter my thoughts much. Truth be told I don't even think I was registered at this point (I'd just moved to uni) and I felt as weak as a kitten, I was in no mood or state to be leaving my pit. 

 

I was always falling ill when I was at uni though. I was a country bumpkin and I wasn't prepared for the hustle and bustle of city life. I caught every bug and flu going. I reckon a diet of cheap cider and pizza probably didn't help. 

[Harry Squatter]

One of the lads I worked with was shagging some married woman for 6 months while her husband was working away, somewhere in the midlands. Came in to work with a massive black eye on the Monday, said he was sitting on a wall in concert Square in town and this fella in his late 40's just walked up and lamped him and he flew off the wall onto the pavement below. The fella said "you know what that's for" and walked off. He recognised him from photos in this woman's house as her husband. He had stopped seeing her for a year as well so god knows how he found out or knew what he looked like.

[General Dryness]

This is before I became a worrier and getting myself to the doctors didn't enter my thoughts much. Truth be told I don't even think I was registered at this point (I'd just moved to uni) and I felt as weak as a kitten, I was in no mood or state to be leaving my pit. 

 

I was always falling ill when I was at uni though. I was a country bumpkin and I wasn't prepared for the hustle and bustle of city life. I caught every bug and flu going. I reckon a diet of cheap cider and pizza probably didn't help. 

 

Theres your mistake. Should have gone with pasta bolognese, thats what I did. Whack up the cheapest Asda mince, pasta and bolognese sauce in a pan, bosh, couple of days meals right there for next to fuck all.

 

The cheap cider stayed though. Probably why I didn't have many one night stands at college. I was always pissed on cheap cider. Nearly had a threesome with my mate and his missus after a game of truth or dare got frisky, but it didn't happen. Because I was pissed on cheap cider. Got to see her fanny though, which was nice.