Times when you don't feel very bright at all.

[PestiRed]

This very afternoon I asked Mr Melons how many butt plugs we need to have darted around the outside of the house. His look of delight thinking i'm up for some kinky outdoor action soon made me realise what I'd said. I'd actually been wanting to know about Water Butts.

 

You're aware that to keep a happy marriage you are now committed to a reasonable compromise on the butt plug front?

[Guest Numero Veinticinco]

Me too. I don't get it.

I've not got the first fucking idea what's going on. It's like everybody started speaking a language that sounds exactly like English but I can't quite grasp it. Like said, in a clear English accent, strewt yoill hunjor, ojhet premistie.

[melons]

You're aware that to keep a happy marriage you are now committed to a reasonable compromise on the butt plug front?

 

 

I wouldn't have an issue with him popping one up his poo hole, so long as he washes it afterwards. 

[Harry Squatter]

Before Christmas I tried to get on the bus using my work pass thinking it was my bus pass. It was 6.15 am and I'd hardly had any kip the night before. Realised I'd left my Trio ticket at home an I didn't have any money on me. The bus driver made me feel like a bad tit as the bus was packed and said "I think the only zone that covers is your workplace". Had to get off the bus and go home to get my pass, woke up my Mrs who started moaning then started laughing at me for being a dope.

[Guest Numero Veinticinco]

Before Christmas I tried to get on the bus using my work pass thinking it was my bus pass. It was 6.15 am and I'd hardly had any kip the night before. Realised I'd left my Trio ticket at home an I didn't have any money on me. The bus driver made me feel like a bad tit as the bus was packed and said "I think the only zone that covers is your workplace". Had to get off the bus and go home to get my pass, woke up my Mrs who started moaning then started laughing at me for being a dope.

Cunt driver.

[JohnnyH]

I've not got the first fucking idea what's going on. It's like everybody started speaking a language that sounds exactly like English but I can't quite grasp it. Like said, in a clear English accent, strewt yoill hunjor, ojhet premistie.

 

I kind of half looked once at a draft thread. I wondered why everybody didn't just pick the same people and so quickly realised I didn't have the first clue what was going on.  I left the thread and have never returned.

[Trumo]

Covent Garden tube station. "Yeah there's too many people waiting for the lift so I think I'll just take the stairs up." You only make that mistake once.

[stringvest]

Covent Garden tube station. "Yeah there's too many people waiting for the lift so I think I'll just take the stairs up." You only make that mistake once.

 

Indeed.  

[Nunavut Patrick]

Covent Garden tube station. "Yeah there's too many people waiting for the lift so I think I'll just take the stairs up." You only make that mistake once.

They tell you to alight at Leicester Square.

 

I was half snapped in Paris last summer and the metro stop Abbesses has like 127 steps but I didn't trust the lift and the crew that got offvthere looked shifty and possible urine savagers. Also shunned the funiculaire as well as Sacre Couer and took the steps.

 

Reward was gypsy seller heienken.

 

Woke up the next morning with my thighs on fire, could hardly get out of bed.

[Trumo]

[Dr Nowt]

I once tried to park up on the edge of a field which coincided with the start of my work's grounds, as there were no proper spaces left in ours and I was very late.  Thought I was pulling a stroke as there were double yellows everywhere else but none there, when my car wheels immediately got stuck in the mud to the point I couldn't get any purchase to reverse, wheels were just spinning like mad spraying shit everywhere, but could still go forward.

 

Had a massive brainfart and, panicking, thought if I just turn a quick circle I'll drive back out front ways and pretend it didn't happen, before too many people notice.  Had to abandon ship by a tree.  Then had to be towed out by the odd job lad who I still see now sometimes, talking to himself in the shopping centre or cycling on the dual-carriageway with a television strapped to his back.  He shook his head at me and though too polite to call me a twat, smirked.

 

I worked in a roughly 300 person office at the time, and was widely-known.  The entire place came to a complete standstill and I could see people throwing up their arms in celebration and high-fiving while I stood watching the rescue operation.  Walking back into that afterwards with trousers like a farmer's on was fun. 

 

Comeuppance, I think they call it.

[Elite]

Franticly searching my pockets for my car keys. Whilst driving.

[razor]

I went to a conference a week early, I was presenting too so all the reception staff at the hotel thought it was hilarious and then remembered me a week later.

 

I once turned up to a hospital appointment a year early.

 

They were really confused as the consultant is only in a Friday and it was a Thursday.  It took them about quarter of an hour to work it out.

 

Why they would send out a hospital appointment card 56 weeks before it is due is still a mystery to me.

[Bjornebye]

Covent Garden tube station. "Yeah there's too many people waiting for the lift so I think I'll just take the stairs up." You only make that mistake once.

Only a mong gets off at Covent Garden.

 

Anyway, bellsize park. Got off there once and headed for the stairs. I was walking up them most of 2014

[Trumo]

I wouldn't normally get off at Covent Garden but it was pissing buckets and howling a gale that evening so I didn't fancy walking from Leicester Square.

[General Dryness]

Bjornebye in shoe horning a sex story into any thread shocker.

 

"And then she came round and I plated her all over the house."

 

[Trumo]

Bjornebye in shoe horning a sex story into any thread shocker.

 

That he's previously mentioned a big-boned lass as well as somebody called Meghan makes me wonder if he secretly prefers birds that are all about that bass.

[Kevin D]

January 18th, 2008.

[RJ Fan club]

I had a meeting with a QC for a public inquiry a year or so ago.

 

The intellect and work ethic was frightening.

[VladimirIlyich]

Then I kicked Meghan out and invited bouncebrigades dad round and went through his arse like Hitler through France

This is one of your believable tales.

[RoboRiise]

Once hired a dinner suit for a formal do on a Friday night.  Picked it up the Saturday before, nice and organised.  On Thursday, someone at work asked me why I hadn't been able to make it to the dinner which had of course been the week before. Not only did I feel like a complete twat for missing it, I hadn't paid for the suit hire until the day after it.

[Major Tom]

I had a meeting with a QC for a public inquiry a year or so ago.

 

The intellect and work ethic was frightening.

 

Reminds me of a Jack Handey quote:

 

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared

 

But, yeah, when I worked for the man, some of the people I worked with were so incredibly clever. The way they analysed stuff and the speed with which they did it was sometimes really quite mesmerising. Like how the fuck did you just do that?

[Harry Squatter]

Was doing a pub quiz and then the last round was a music quiz where they play a 5 second intro of the song. The quizmaster played Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns & Roses. My mate kept saying "fucking hell, I know this song but I can't think of what it is" we all started laughing at him because the dozy twat had it as his ring tone on his mobile.

[Stu Monty]

Pretty much anytime I have to deal with anything relating to IT. I'm fucking shite at it and it's due to my complete inability to pay attention or concentrate when leaning how to do IT stuff.

 

I'm talking modern man shite here like, not old person shite...I'm not that bad.

[Trumo]

Pretty much anytime I have to deal with anything relating to IT. I'm fucking shite at it and it's due to my complete inability to pay attention or concentrate when leaning how to do IT stuff.

 

I'm talking modern man shite here like, not old person shite...I'm not that bad.

 

Not being R'sed has a lot to do with it.