One night stands

[Kopite]

Don't be soft Chris, that is pathetic and not worthy of someone of your intelligence.

People are nice to and about Liz because she is a thoroughly decent human being, she takes the time out to be interested in people and their welfare. People warm to her because of those factors. I have no idea what she looks like and I've never spoken to her off site and the first time I spoke to her off forum was 2 weeks ago when she messaged me to ask how my Dad was after his operation.

You get in rucks with people and people have a pop at you because you are deliberately abrasive...thats the simple truth. You have had rows with numerous people and it always seems to be everybody elses fault to listen to you.

 

I do, she's a total babe.

[Kopite]

Talking of Jeremy Beadle hands I remember my first year at Poly. There were these Welsh lads who also stayed in the halls, who were total party animals. Anyway they met these girls from a college in town (St. Cath's?) and go back to their digs for a bit of "slap and tickle".

 

One of the lads gets a big "jiggy" with this girl and goes to grab her hand. To his horror he finds it isn't there.

 

Unlike Sir Roger's mate, he isn't dignified and doesn't do the deed instead preferring the "argh, where's your f*cking hand?" and exiting her room faster than Vanessa Feltz at Weight Watchers.

[rargh]

Ah, the third mate scenario. A woman who isn't gonna get any while her mates are will always spoil the party. I can guaran-damn-tee, boyfriend or not, if there were three of you out last night, all three of you would have ended up washing their hair in mantene.

 

I fucking hate women who do that. It's an unwrittren rule for fellas that if you're the gooseberry, you switch to wingman mode to sell your mate to the one he's chatting up and then geg out at the appropriate opportunity.

[Section_31]

Ah, the third mate scenario. A woman who isn't gonna get any while her mates are will always spoil the party. I can guaran-damn-tee, boyfriend or not, if there were three of you out last night, all three of you would have ended up washing their hair in mantene.

 

I fucking hate women who do that. It's an unwrittren rule for fellas that if you're the gooseberry, you switch to wingman mode to sell your mate to the one he's chatting up and then geg out at the appropriate opportunity.

 

Amen, the amount of times I've bagged off with top totty and she's been literally dragged away by her butch mate you wouldn't believe.

It's partly mates' faults though for not taking one from the team.

 

In warrington a while back I had this tasty little number totally ripe, had my hands all over her pulling her against my groin and all sorts, she'd given me her unconditional surrender.

But her mate - who wasn't that bad to be fair - kept trying to talk to my mate, and everytimes she did he'd just go to her face "YOU TRIPPIN FOR REAL!!!!"

She'd try again and he'd go "WHY YOU TRIPPIN N*GGER?!?!"

 

She'd ask me what was wrong and I'd just say 'he's a teacher and has had a stressful week' It all went tits up though and my poon was dragged off for a taxi giving me puppy eyes.

In hindsight I should have manned up and thrown her over my shoulder.

[manwiththestick]

A few years back me and about five of the lads where staying at a caravan park in Towyn for the weekend, after a whole day on the ale we stumbled into some shitty club. because we'd been on the pop all day it felt like about 10 o'clock but in fact was only about half seven so we goes into this "club" and there is no fucker in there but us. annyway me and one of my mates where at the bar when these to girls walk in and stand next to us at the bar. Being the friendly guy i am i start chatting to these girls and turns out they are from Warrington and are staying at the same placed as us.

Now fast forward, i kid you not, 10 Minutes and me and my mate are in our caravan after getting a joey back, banging these two little sluts for all their worth. A bit later on we are sat down having a few beers and all the lads turn up pissed so me and this bird go back for a bit of seconds. Next thing, the other girl is knocking on the bedroom door shouting all pissed to her mate that its half eleven and they had better get back to her mum and dads caravan as they are already in trouble for being late.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

A few years ago, I was visiting a mate in Cambridge. I went off to a party somewhere with some of his mates and copped off with some lass who may have been stunning or fugly - she was too blurry for me to say with any certainty. In any case, she had a job to go to, so she quite nicely let me have a lie-in in the morning. She also phoned up at about 11.00 to remind me of the name of the pub where I'd agreed to meet my mates the next day, to watch the match. Her housemates made me tea and toast and gave me directions.

 

So far, so good.

 

Unfortunately, it was about an hour's walk to the pub - and when I got there we were already trailing to the Mancs, thanks to two Carra own-goals.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Now fast forward, i kid you not, 10 Minutes and me and my mate are in our caravan after getting a joey back, banging these two little sluts for all their worth. A bit later on we are sat down having a few beers and all the lads turn up pissed so me and this bird go back for a bit of seconds. Next thing, the other girl is knocking on the bedroom door shouting all pissed to her mate that its half eleven and they had better get back to her mum and dads caravan as they are already in trouble for being late.

PAE-AE-AE-D-O-O-O!!!!

[Thants]

I had nookie with a girl once, it was skill.

[Unrighteous]

I had nookie with a girl once, it was skill.

 

Quality.

[Malarkey]

And Dude, Sarah Jane fucks less than a nun, seriously. But ruth is fuck tastic. I've played "I have never" before and was roundly defeated. Boyfriend though, and a greart fucking guy at that

 

I now a Sarah Jane who is 17. What's her last name? I've been there also, Chris. ;)

[Malarkey]

These birds had just been fighting and were all drunk and emotional. Me and some lad I met from the hotel I was staying at over there see them 'licking their emotional wounds' and go over and offer a shoulder to cry on. These broads where from London and where so startled to see that I was flaunting a Scouse accent. They also liked yours truly more because my accent was stronger than my friends' as he was from Skelmersdale.

 

Anyway, I take one of the three birds away back to the resort I'm staying in and we get talking by the pool on a sun lounger. I throw the lips on her and it gets touchy feely and that. Cut a long story short my fingers where in her snatch. She was tight as fuck. She takes a deep breath in and moves back a bit looking like she was feeling a bit of discomfort. I take my fingers out and realise that I have blood dripping off them, all over my had, blood on my cecks, blood all over the white sun lounger. I was fucking guttered as I am uneasy at the sight of blood. I wash the blood off in the pool and walk away from the bird. Saying fuck all - I was bladdered, god knws what she must have thought. I get back to my room with blood on my pants and take them off. 10-15 minutes later I realise that I've just left a spotty, acne infested, horny wrongin by the pool wet - with blood.

 

I get down there after deliberating wether to change my blood wridden cecks to find Guardia (the Spanish plod) and the Hotel Manager by the pool investigating the blood. The bird is nowhere to be seen. Blood still on my cecks and shielding it from the Spanish Bizzies and the Hotel Manager I try to find the bird so I can get my nuts. Can't find her so I just go bck to my room and have a shuffle. Then go to bed and wonder were my holiday romance had fled to with her blood dripping vagina.

 

The End.

[Karl_b]

Niiiiiice.

[She Knows It]

Hang on. Was she bleeding because you'd "broken her in", or because she'd come on? Why would you want to go back and shag her if she was bleeding everywhere, you dirty little bastard!

[odris]

These birds had just been fighting and were all drunk and emotional. Me and some lad I met from the hotel I was staying at over there see them 'licking their emotional wounds' and go over and offer a shoulder to cry on. These broads where from London and where so startled to see that I was flaunting a Scouse accent. They also liked yours truly more because my accent was stronger than my friends' as he was from Skelmersdale.

 

Anyway, I take one of the three birds away back to the resort I'm staying in and we get talking by the pool on a sun lounger. I throw the lips on her and it gets touchy feely and that. Cut a long story short my fingers where in her snatch. She was tight as fuck. She takes a deep breath in and moves back a bit looking like she was feeling a bit of discomfort. I take my fingers out and realise that I have blood dripping off them, all over my had, blood on my cecks, blood all over the white sun lounger. I was fucking guttered as I am uneasy at the sight of blood. I wash the blood off in the pool and walk away from the bird. Saying fuck all - I was bladdered, god knws what she must have thought. I get back to my room with blood on my pants and take them off. 10-15 minutes later I realise that I've just left a spotty, acne infested, horny wrongin by the pool wet - with blood.

 

I get down there after deliberating wether to change my blood wridden cecks to find Guardia (the Spanish plod) and the Hotel Manager by the pool investigating the blood. The bird is nowhere to be seen. Blood still on my cecks and shielding it from the Spanish Bizzies and the Hotel Manager I try to find the bird so I can get my nuts. Can't find her so I just go bck to my room and have a shuffle. Then go to bed and wonder were my holiday romance had fled to with her blood dripping vagina.

 

The End.

 

Ahem

[Malarkey]

Hang on. Was she bleeding because you'd "broken her in", or because she'd come on? Why would you want to go back and shag her if she was bleeding everywhere, you dirty little bastard!

 

What can I say. I'm one of a kind.

[She Knows It]

What can I say. I'm one of a kind.

 

*Shakes head*

 

Robbief. I mean, Malarkey.

[Malarkey]

*Shakes head*

 

Robbief. I mean, Malarkey.

 

She had a perfectly good mouth anyway, SKI. Well not perfect, she was a spotty bastard.

[jacco maccaco]

Friends Caravan in Pately Bridge, I was 18, mate 17.

 

Spent an evening in a pub local to the caravan site, Waterside I think it was called.

Anyway 3 lasses also in there, kept looking over, One drink led to another and we are all

walking back to the site.

 

Mates Caravan was next to the girls, and we started off in theirs, it was the First Live aid, a Historic

day and night, Millions Watching and Millions to be raised for a noble cause, Queen had just performed

their now legendary set and………Actually they had a telly, we didn't.

 

Got talking to one of them, hailing from Leeds and just started working at the Uni.

She was flirting between the 2 of us, to the disgust of one of her friends, the other seemed to be

weighing up the situation.

 

About 11ish and I'd had enough of her and her perverted games, stood up and told my mate she's all his

 

Stomp back to the caravan and just about to get settled in when there's a knock at the door,

Open it and it’s the other one who was watching proceedings so intently earlier.

 

Come on in I beckon. Then with a Maturity way beyond my 18 years I say

"I'm going to bed, would you like to join me"

 

She did

 

We did

 

12.30 pm, dressed and back in the girls caravan, mate and the flirtress still playing games,

the Haughty one had retired to her bunk.

 

Lights off and we are all cosy again, I'm, at the front of the van, mate in the middle, I'd been listening

to my mates ever more desperate whispering, as he tried to win her over, It went quiet for a bit, then

a gentle rocking started.

 

At last I thought, anyway the rocking started to intensify and a low moaning began to emanate from

his direction, It started to get louder…and louder, she started too

 

Then at the point of his now all too obvious climax came the words I will never forget and nor will he

 

" mmm nnn ah ah ah ahhh ...BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULLLLLLLLL …...mmmmnmnmmnnnnnn aaaaaaaaah"

 

That night was my only One night stand…its was memorable.

[odris]

Friends Caravan in Pately Bridge, I was 18, mate 17.

 

Spent an evening in a pub local to the caravan site, Waterside I think it was called.

Anyway 3 lasses also in there, kept looking over, One drink led to another and we are all

walking back to the site.

 

Mates Caravan was next to the girls, and we started off in theirs, it was the First Live aid, a Historic

day and night, Millions Watching and Millions to be raised for a noble cause, Queen had just performed

their now legendary set and………Actually they had a telly, we didn't.

 

Got talking to one of them, hailing from Leeds and just started working at the Uni.

She was flirting between the 2 of us, to the disgust of one of her friends, the other seemed to be

weighing up the situation.

 

About 11ish and I'd had enough of her and her perverted games, stood up and told my mate she's all his

 

Stomp back to the caravan and just about to get settled in when there's a knock at the door,

Open it and it’s the other one who was watching proceedings so intently earlier.

 

Come on in I beckon. Then with a Maturity way beyond my 18 years I say

"I'm going to bed, would you like to join me"

 

She did

 

We did

 

12.30 pm, dressed and back in the girls caravan, mate and the flirtress still playing games,

the Haughty one had retired to her bunk.

 

Lights off and we are all cosy again, I'm, at the front of the van, mate in the middle, I'd been listening

to my mates ever more desperate whispering, as he tried to win her over, It went quiet for a bit, then

a gentle rocking started.

 

At last I thought, anyway the rocking started to intensify and a low moaning began to emanate from

his direction, It started to get louder…and louder, she started too

 

Then at the point of his now all too obvious climax came the words I will never forget and nor will he

 

" mmm nnn ah ah ah ahhh ...BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULLLLLLLLL …...mmmmnmnmmnnnnnn aaaaaaaaah"

 

That night was my only One night stand…its was memorable.

 

Is this your mate?

 

[She Knows It]

That's ace. It's a common topic of discussion with us girls - the fucking hysterical/offputting things men say when they come.

[madstock]

That's ace. It's a common topic of discussion with us girls - the fucking hysterical/offputting things men say when they come.

 

"You awake, love?"

[She Knows It]

"You awake, love?"

 

Touché, Mongy. I am laughing.

[madstock]

Touché, Mongy. I am laughing.

 

I didn't actually mean it like that, I was being self-deprecating as I am such a crap shag :whistle:

[She Knows It]

I didn't actually mean it like that, I was being self-deprecating as I am such a crap shag :whistle:

 

Sorry, thought you were talking about something else :)

[Section_31]

Woah there keep that shit indoors! I caught my parents shagging once and it nearly made me phsyically sick!

 

 

Malarkey needs to sort himself out and start tapping some of that Warrington action, the nicest and 'firendliest' birds ever.