One night stands

[madstock]

Sorry, thought you were talking about something else :)

 

Aye, monginess as a cure for insomnia. May be another winner for the a2g enterprise? We could whore out my arse, a job that I would reluctantly have to accept.

[She Knows It]

Woah there keep that shit indoors! I caught my parents shagging once and it nearly made me phsyically sick!

 

Oi, you cheeky young beggar, we're not that old! Anyway, it wasn't like that. I was talking about one time Duncan came up here, and we came home to mine and had something to eat, and I fell asleep on him at 9 o'clock. He didn't let me live it down for ages, as he was only up here for one night. He could have woken me up though, it wasn't my fault!

[madstock]

Oi, you cheeky young beggar, we're not that old! Anyway, it wasn't like that. I was talking about one time Duncan came up here, and we came home to mine and had something to eat, and I fell asleep on him at 9 o'clock. He didn't let me live it down for ages, as he was only up here for one night. He could have woken me up though, it wasn't my fault!

 

1. I quite agree - I'm still 30, and don't look a day over 45

2. I only mentioned it about 3 dozen times.

3. I do seem to remember that I *did* wake you up at least half a dozen times that night, the last occasion by shouting "Tiiiiimmmbbbeerr"*. Obviously you don't remember :whoops:

 

 

*figuratively

[She Knows It]

Sums me up. You won't be guaranteed any action, but I'll make sure you're fed.

[madstock]

Sums me up. You won't be guaranteed any action, but I'll make sure you're fed.

 

You are indeed a purveyor of the finest of breakfasts; the next morning was the first time I experienced Muff's, iirc.

[Harry Squatter]

My mate cracks me up with some of the shit he gets up to. He had a scrap with a copper in Southport and it went through the courts, he ended up having to wear a tag but tried to keep it a secret from everyone in work. We went to Leeds working and he pulled the posh bird out of the office. Think Tinhead from Brookie pulling Liz Hurley or some member of teh Royal family. Next day in work we ask him how he got on after leavin the pub with teh posh bird. He just gets his mobile out and says "look at this" - you then see her on all 4's on the bed and him smashing the back out of her shouting "Who's the man in Leeds, who's the fuckin man in Leeds?" She then pipes up - "Why have you got your phone out?" - he says "I'm just texting my mate", somehow in the height of all this passion he manages to keep his socks on so the bird can't see the tag on his ankle.

[Anny Road]

I'm now too old for this shit. I'd rather have a big crusty piece of toast with blackcurrant jam on it.

 

Or a strange fanny.

[Harry Squatter]

The near-miss from tonight...

 

 

Chris and I went to KRAZHOUSE tonight with two of Chris' female mates(equiv of gay friends as they fuck less than nuns) for a few bevvies and a bit of fun. Anywho, Chris is great at the contact sport part of pulling.. and me being a world class finisher makes this interesting.

 

Now, I'm going to fast forward quite a bit. I see Chris sitting with two birds after I get out of the bog. Fair enough, I walked over and the the bird he isn't talking too is quite cute so I am like, "Sound."

 

Hell, the mate he would have stuck me with on his earlier bird would have cost him a hefty bar tab(she was a fatty).

 

SO, I start to chat up this bird like, "My friend is talking to your friend... How silly" and she is eating it up.

 

(I later found out that these two birds were 17 and I realised at that point that I could have told her I was a race car driver or something instead of the truth and she'd believe me... which is more fun because of the chance of being caught in the lie... obviously)

 

 

Anyway, I see Chris snogging his bird. She's fit, so well in mate... I am still talking to my bird like she's just going to be a mate and she is still eating it up like it's the fucking cure to her wounds.

 

Next thing you know? Chris has invited the two back to mine for refreshments and guitar hero(Code: To fuck our brains out) and they seem quite keen.

 

I'm still acting like the neutered friend untill I strike! I'm now snogging my bird. Chris is snogging his bird.

 

(Fast forward a bit) and I've got my hands in her tights and two fingers up her moist and snuggly.

 

Her twat mate(the third girl) comes over and is still crying(unrelated bullshit) and manages to distract out birds.

 

....

 

...

 

They go off with her but pledge to come back.

 

...

 

...

 

 

Chris' bird comes back.

 

...

...

 

My bird is still a no show... I look for her. Nothing. I look some more, nothing.

 

She had a boyfriend!(or has... whatever) This girl, was from what I understand, all crying about how she was messing around with me whilst she was in a relationship and her blonde mate was crying about how she lost her phone/purse.

 

Way to cockblock, third friend. Both wanted to fuck untill your little interruption.

 

Something similar happened to me in Las Vegas, met some bird from Portland in the Studio 54 nightclub. She was decent but her mate was a pig and dead uptight, I kept trying to get my mate to cop off with her but he wasn't interested so he fucked off to the bar all night and got gassed. I danced with this bird and she says "You know, I'd love to fuck an English guy, I love your accent, do you want to come back to my hotel room?, I leave for LA in the morning but I want to remember my last night in Vegas".

 

 

Yes, I'm well in here, I get back to her room in the Excalibur and start to take her clothes off but her pig ugly mate turns up at the door banging on it crying her eyes out because no one fancies her ad that she'll never meet anyone etc because my mate bonfired her. She made such a scene in the hallway the security guards turn up and in the end she came in, her mate said "Look, we'd better call it a night, my mate is in a state and we leave for LA in the morning" Real scenario - her mate is a selfish bitch who hates seeing her other mate get some British cock and wants to spoil it. I went back to my hotel thinking about what might have been.

[Harry Squatter]

Amen, the amount of times I've bagged off with top totty and she's been literally dragged away by her butch mate you wouldn't believe.

It's partly mates' faults though for not taking one from the team.

 

In warrington a while back I had this tasty little number totally ripe, had my hands all over her pulling her against my groin and all sorts, she'd given me her unconditional surrender.

But her mate - who wasn't that bad to be fair - kept trying to talk to my mate, and everytimes she did he'd just go to her face "YOU TRIPPIN FOR REAL!!!!"

She'd try again and he'd go "WHY YOU TRIPPIN N*GGER?!?!"

 

She'd ask me what was wrong and I'd just say 'he's a teacher and has had a stressful week' It all went tits up though and my poon was dragged off for a taxi giving me puppy eyes.

In hindsight I should have manned up and thrown her over my shoulder.

 

Me and my mate were on holiday in Brazil and we went on a day trip to some tropical islands called Buzios. On the boat I spot some little fitty who I start to chat up - she was Mexican, looked like Salma Hayek and spoke perfect English as she lived in Canada, anyway her mate was a fucking minger who looked like the cleaner out of the Goonies. I managed to get the fit one to meet me that night in a club in Rio but was dead worried that her mate was going to fuck everything up. I told my mate that we were going out that night to meet 2 Mexican birds and his "bird" couldnt speak English. We both copped off but my bird turns out to be a staunch Catholic who didnt believe in sex before marriage whereas his let him bang the arse off her. He shook his head after we left their hotel and said "I know I'd shag a barbers floor most times but I feel fucking dirty after that, and it's all your fault you cunt for thinking you could shag Salma Hayek, don't ever do that to me again". All the fucking groundwork for nothing!.

 

She still e-mails him now with horrific photos of her obese frame in a swimsuit on speedboats in Cancun and Acapulco, he asked me to e-mail her once to say he'd been killed in a car crash.

[odris]

Are pictures needed here?

[GJM]

Paris, 1987. 4 of us sharing a room in a shithouse hotel, 17yrs old and pretending like we have enough money to go on holiday properly. 2am, leaning out of hotel window with wine bottle, shout out something utterly banal to two birds below (something witty and perceptive like 'hey, you, what are you doing?'). Turn out to be english. We invite them up to the room, not believing for one second that they would. They turn up, having drunk more than we had (they were from York, I remember that much, and have since always associated the city with drunk and slightly overweight women). Neither is what you would call an oil painting, but one is a bit cross eyed so we call her 'Clarence' (as in 'Clarence the Cross Eyed Lion' - slightly obscure and not very good movie). The other one is a tad heavy, but get's better with every glass. It turns out to be very much a case of last man standing. Luckily, or so I thought at the time, I was last man. Clarence has fucked off to bed, mates are passing out, so we go back to her room. Suffice to say it's hardly the karma sutra, but I'm happy enough until, midway through, the room is illuminated in a blinding glare and there, sat bolt upright next to me in the bed is Clarence, bellowing 'Of fooookin'ell Rowena, did you fookin' 'ave to?!'. I had no idea she was there in the bed with us. Gave me a proper fright.

 

A mate of mine got pulled by a real hog one night when he was near comatosed in some sleazy nightclub. He claims that she 'practically raped me'. He woke up in the morning and was so disgusted at what had happened that he took retribution by pissing on her kitchen floor before leaving. Is that ever acceptable? I don't think it is but he begged to differ.

 

I have no idea why I am sharing this with strangers.

[Unrighteous]

I have no idea why I am sharing this with strangers.

 

:yes: Because it's fucking quality.

[Unrighteous]

My mate cracks me up with some of the shit he gets up to. He had a scrap with a copper in Southport and it went through the courts, he ended up having to wear a tag but tried to keep it a secret from everyone in work. We went to Leeds working and he pulled the posh bird out of the office. Think Tinhead from Brookie pulling Liz Hurley or some member of teh Royal family. Next day in work we ask him how he got on after leavin the pub with teh posh bird. He just gets his mobile out and says "look at this" - you then see her on all 4's on the bed and him smashing the back out of her shouting "Who's the man in Leeds, who's the fuckin man in Leeds?" She then pipes up - "Why have you got your phone out?" - he says "I'm just texting my mate", somehow in the height of all this passion he manages to keep his socks on so the bird can't see the tag on his ankle.

 

Hahaha... Ace.

[Randy Marsh]

Been out all day on the piss watchin all the futy like, then come home, got showered, and been out all night watching dirty sanchez. I was on a promise from a flat mate. Come back to hers, whacked the jonny on, too bladderd to perform, left her room and said id bang her on thursday when im off work. So thats a "nearly" for the one night stand list. never mind

[WaltonRed]

Been out all day on the piss watchin all the futy like, then come home, got showered, and been out all night watching dirty sanchez. I was on a promise from a flat mate. Come back to hers, whacked the jonny on, too bladderd to perform, left her room and said id bang her on thursday when im off work. So thats a "nearly" for the one night stand list. never mind

 

I feel your pain, I feel your shame, but your not to blame!

[Owen]

Ha, that was a gloriously pathetic hissy-fit. Nice one.

[Remmie]

Gotta love the opposite of a cock-blocker and taking one for the team. I fucked a Scottish chick called Yvonne, the only thing of note was that she wanted my shirt as she loved it so I agreed to give it to her if I could have her knickers. Thing is, her mate was absolute Horendi and we called her Oliver Khan- the resemblance was uncanny. My mate Andy took one for the team and shagged this monstrosity while I was getting mine. It was about 6am and Yvonne wanted to go home so I saved Andy from any more and made out that Yvonne needed to go immediately so he wouldn't be stuck with Oli Khan. I still cringe every time I think of Oli.

 

Yvonne weren't too shabby though.

[Randy Marsh]

I feel your pain, I feel your shame, but your not to blame!

 

Those words of support mean a lot to me in this dark time:(

[Faustus]

Nothing ever humourous has happened to me with regards to a one night stand. I seem to have a penchant for pulling fat birds when I've had a few.

 

This happened to a mate however:

 

When we were in Sixth Form, a load of us went out for a few beers after lessons on Friday. We all ended up in the Jac pretty pissed but my mate was absolutely hammered. We saw these girls from our Sixth Form and we ended up talking to them. None of us had the intention of shagging them because they were pretty sound mates so we were all just having a laugh and that. My mate who was bladdered was in deep conversation with this girl from our Sixth Form, who despite being pretty sound, is an absolute dog.

 

Anyway, a few of us got off but my mate stayed out with the munter and her mates for a few more.

 

Monday morning came and my mate walked into the common room with a face like the Scouser from Harry Enfield after he's been bummed in London. For a laugh and not meaning anything by it, we say "we heard you goosed *** **** on Friday." My mate then goes green and tells us to shut the fuck up.

 

We were all rolling round laughing as we genuinely didn't know that he'd shagged this monstrosity and had unwittingly given the game away.

 

Apparently, she kept buying him shorts in the Jac and got him back to hers in a taxi after he fell asleep. He said the last thing he remembered was sitting on her couch with a glass of red wine and being told a taxi was on the way before waking up in her bed the next morning with the two of them completely bollocko.

[Harry Squatter]

We need some top quality stories from Rashid, Emlyn Noos and WATB now (and Ted).

[Redder Lurtz]

Summer of 1992, I'm sharing a house with a mate in Grimsby. I went out to Cleethorpes with a few mates, ended up in 'Pier 39' nightclub. I ended up pulling this kangorillapig called Sarah. A munter but I was leathered, you know how it is. We left the club at 2 and in the queue for the taxi she was sick all over herself. I'm thinking 'classy.' Eventually got in a cab and back to mine where she stripped off and put her clothes in the washing machine. Just in her underwear she shot upstairs (She was shitfaced and a bit of a mentalist I think) and woke my housemate up by sitting on the end of his bed. Cutting a lengthy story short we spitroasted her in the living room. Cracking good fun, all in all. Then I went to bed but fuck me, if she didn't wake me up about half an hour later demanding more knobbing. I relented and afterwards she got up and went back to my mate's room. She kept this bed hopping up until at 7am I'd had enough and drove her home. Never saw her again.

[Section_31]

Me and my mate were on holiday in Brazil and we went on a day trip to some tropical islands called Buzios. On the boat I spot some little fitty who I start to chat up - she was Mexican, looked like Salma Hayek and spoke perfect English as she lived in Canada, anyway her mate was a fucking minger who looked like the cleaner out of the Goonies. I managed to get the fit one to meet me that night in a club in Rio but was dead worried that her mate was going to fuck everything up. I told my mate that we were going out that night to meet 2 Mexican birds and his "bird" couldnt speak English. We both copped off but my bird turns out to be a staunch Catholic who didnt believe in sex before marriage whereas his let him bang the arse off her. He shook his head after we left their hotel and said "I know I'd shag a barbers floor most times but I feel fucking dirty after that, and it's all your fault you cunt for thinking you could shag Salma Hayek, don't ever do that to me again". All the fucking groundwork for nothing!.

 

She still e-mails him now with horrific photos of her obese frame in a swimsuit on speedboats in Cancun and Acapulco, he asked me to e-mail her once to say he'd been killed in a car crash.

 

:D

 

Ace! Gotta love some international relations. Some foreign birds are mentalists though, some dutch bird kept following me around in Puerto Rico last year, she'd tap me on the shoulder and say "Also I like you very much also, but also my boyfriend he is being very jealous also." Then she'd point behind her and sure enough, there was some angry looking Dutch blert stood there.

Strange shit.

 

 

Gotta love the opposite of a cock-blocker and taking one for the team. I fucked a Scottish chick called Yvonne, the only thing of note was that she wanted my shirt as she loved it so I agreed to give it to her if I could have her knickers. Thing is, her mate was absolute Horendi and we called her Oliver Khan- the resemblance was uncanny. My mate Andy took one for the team and shagged this monstrosity while I was getting mine. It was about 6am and Yvonne wanted to go home so I saved Andy from any more and made out that Yvonne needed to go immediately so he wouldn't be stuck with Oli Khan. I still cringe every time I think of Oli.

 

Yvonne weren't too shabby though.

 

Man that's not friendship, that's brotherhood.

 

Some bird around ours with a fat face and has fancied the arse off me for years, I call her Easter Island Head but she also looks a bit like the President masks from Point Break.

I nearly, nearly gave into her one night through a JD/Testosterone induced hayze but my mate literally abducted me - arm around the throat, and shoved me in a taxi.

As he often points out, if it wasn't for him there could be little easter island heads running around as we speak.

[Brownie]

Best one I ever has was at Uni, when the pulling of some random bird at the Union Bar, ended up in a four-hour threesome romp with her mate involved.

 

I'd go into detail but the missus is sat on the couch and I don't want her reading this!

 

(Quickest post ever!)

[Randy Marsh]

On a slightly different topic,.....

 

things you shouldnt say during sex

 

I had a bird back about a year ago. I was seeing her for a bit and this one night she came around to mine. We're upstairs going at it, and at the risk of me getting a reputation as a 5pump squirter, i eased off from the start so id last a while. Anyways. 15-20mins in, she says she's come twice and she'd obviously presumed id already shot my load. I then pull out, and we are lying there on the bed bollocko, absolutetly knackerd. I then say to her "arent you gonna finish me off?", whilst pointing downwards towards me cock. She got a huge strop on, gets dressed and leaves pretty much straight away. Never shagged her since funnily enough. Touchy bint.

[Harry Squatter]

:D

 

Ace! Gotta love some international relations. Some foreign birds are mentalists though, some dutch bird kept following me around in Puerto Rico last year, she'd tap me on the shoulder and say "Also I like you very much also, but also my boyfriend he is being very jealous also." Then she'd point behind her and sure enough, there was some angry looking Dutch blert stood there.

Strange shit.

 

 

I once had a strange Polish bird who looked like a parrot stalk me whilst I was on Camp America, she kept asking me what my travel plans were after the camp finished, I said I was meeting my mate, my mate lets me down at the last minute and she followed me all round New York State until I deliberatley got on the wrong train somewhere to get rid of her.