Wank Phrases people use at work.

[Paul]

I work with an absolute fucking shambles who says, "Let's drill down the data" when she means, "Let's analyse the kids' results". She uses loads of this shit but I seem to have blanked it all from my mind right now, thank fuck.

[Paulie Dangerously]

I like this thread, let's take it and run with it

[Lurtz]

At our place, a idea for a project which needs to pay for itself is referred to as something which must "wash its own face". Cunts.

[Paulie Dangerously]

At our place, a idea for a project which needs to pay for itself is referred to as something which must "wash its own face". Cunts.

 

Wow that is high level cuntery and also a shit analogy

[Hooch]

Slightly off topic but related, I hate it when people email you for something but CC your manager, their manager, their nan and anyone else they can think of, in on it.

[cmuller]

Swim lanes. Project split into parts

 

Flying formation. Team structure

 

North star. Perfect conclusion to a piece of work

 

Loads more that I've blanked out since leaving my last job in a company ran by Americans. What used to bug me is that everyone began to use this language and half the time I didn't have a clue what anyone actually meant. I'm sure they didn't either.

 

Leverage is more widely used but one that just makes my blood boil immediately.

Edited January 16, 2013 by cmuller

[cmuller]

Slightly off topic but related, I hate it when people email you for something but CC your manager, their manager, their nan and anyone else they can think of, in on it.

 

It's the natural life progression for people for sneaky, weak snitches at school.

[Skidfingers McGonical]

Development opportunity - give someone a job you can't be arsed doing yourself

 

Or secondment.

[ZonkoVille77]

"In due course" "liase with " "validation effort"

 

fucking hate them

 

We have a big fat blubbery fucktard mongo who uses it for everything.

Asks you a question with multiple answers so he looks as if he knows what he's talking about. Like betting on 2 boxers, both to win and also to draw, he has all angles covered. the useless steaming shit pile.

 

I don't like him.

[RedinSweden]

"drilling down" which is supposed to mean analysing things and getting more information.

 

Fucking hate it.

[Robbo29]

my pet hates:

cascade that information down

lets make sure we are all singing from the same hymn sheet

there is no i in team

bunch of fuckwit cunts if you use them

[Pony Princess]

Place I used to work used the term 'enabler' to describe someone who is helpful and pushing a project forward. The opposite type of person was a 'blocker'.

 

Very wanky.

[PestiRed]

Very happy as I used "matrix management" to dump work on a lazy bastard from another dept today

[FanchesterCity]

"Synergy"

 

One minute you can combine two teams to get more than the sum of their parts.

The next minute, two combined teams is overkill, and wasteful.

Every fucking year there's a not organisational structure, yet the biggest waste of energy is in the reorganising.

 

 

"Town Hall"

An American phrase for everybody gathering in the canteen to listen to what is essentially an evangelical sales pitch to internal staff. Motivational (cheesy) American 'can do' crap - whilst the company clear CANNOT do, which explains why it's cutting 10,000 jobs.

 

 

"Company / Corporate Culture'

It's a place of work, not a religious sect. It's not a fucking lifestyle choice. And when pressed to actually define what this alleged 'culture' is - it's the same as all the other businesses in town... 'strive to be the best', 'go the extra mile'.

Funny that... 'GO THE EXTRA MILE????"..... try handing in your mileage expenses and see how they like the extra mile then.

[stevebaby]

"Proactive". I'll proactively tear your face off and wipe my arse with it.

[General Dryness]

I'm hearing "Client-centric" more and more often. "Lets take a more client-centric approach to this". "Yeah sure, after I disembowel you with this paperclip".

 

"Singing from the same hymn sheet"

"Lets make sure we get everyones buy-in"

"Leveraging synergies"

 

Also, referring to people with knowledge of a new procedure or system as "Champions". Fuck off.

[Lurtz]

Wow that is high level cuntery and also a shit analogy

 

If I'm cornered on this analogy I prefer to use the phrase "Yeah, it'll wipe its own arse". They don't like it but they get my drift.

 

A slight aside, when my boss comes from London to meet the client, he reserves his 'special' cufflinks; one of which says "CU" and the other says"NT". I like that a lot.

[robslappa]

"Bang for your buck" was one that really wrecked my head.

 

"Step Change" - I'm still not sure what it really means.

 

"The Devil's in the detail" - What a load of shit.

[Walton Park]

''Get out of my office you Fucking Bellend'' is one of the phrases usually shouted at me. I still don't know what it means though yet?

[Unrighteous]

''Get out of my office you Fucking Bellend'' is one of the phrases usually shouted at me. I still don't know what it means though yet?

 

Try putting clothes on?

[sparta7]

If someone wants to know if you the time and resource to do something "have you got the bandwidth?" Do fuck off, please.

 

Oh and another bloke at a place I used to work at refers to himself as a "scrum master". Its no surprise to know that he is an absolute cunt.

[Champ]

 

Also, referring to people with knowledge of a new procedure or system as "Champions". Fuck off.

 

Or, Change Champion. Check

 

 

"Step Change" - I'm still not sure what it really means.

 

 

Check.

 

Oh, fuck off, will you?

[A_S]

'The game plan is....' Fuck I hate that phrase with a passion

[lifetime fan]

Up stream

Down stream

Upskill

[Champ]

Up stream

Down stream

 

What are they meant to mean?