The world of a woman.

[stringvest]

Fucking hell, this morning I was buying a fancy new heating system, now I've got AIDS & people on the internet are spying on my missus.

 

Luck comes in threes as well so I'll probably get gang raped on my way home from work.

 

By an elephant.

 

and we'll watch it live

[Trumo]

Passing AIDS on to a solitary elephant that's gang raping you all because people are simply making sure your missus is OK. That's low, man.

[matt1983]

" you know the one thing I've learnt since I've worked here? The 24 hour clock. Coz I was always taught how to tell time by...analogue is it?...so I could never work out what time I was rota'd on to. I had to count forwards from 13, and sometimes I'd get it wrong and stay an hour late because I'd counted wrong. People would say Liv, why are you here, you were supposed to finish an hour ago, and I wouldn't know why. But I kind of get it now. Most of the time."

[Bob]

" you know the one thing I've learnt since I've worked here? The 24 hour clock. Coz I was always taught how to tell time by...analogue is it?...so I could never work out what time I was rota'd on to. I had to count forwards from 13, and sometimes I'd get it wrong and stay an hour late because I'd counted wrong. People would say Liv, why are you here, you were supposed to finish an hour ago, and I wouldn't know why. But I kind of get it now. Most of the time."

That's awesome

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

Hahahaha. I've taught my 6 year daughter old the 24 hour clock.

[matt1983]

Hahahaha. I've taught my 6 year daughter old the 24 hour clock.

At quarter past ten I told her to call last orders at "22.45", and asked if she knew what time that was. "Quarter to ten?" Came the reply.

[Barrington Womble]

2 girls in the office talking nonsense I wasn't listening to, then one of them scream like she has been shot and says "OMG, I am actually literally LOLing and I just can't stop LOLing, that is so funny". She wasn't even laughing. Words actually fail me. 

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

At quarter past ten I told her to call last orders at "22.45", and asked if she knew what time that was. "Quarter to ten?" Came the reply.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

2 girls in the office talking nonsense I wasn't listening to, then one of them scream like she has been shot and says "OMG, I am actually literally LOLing and I just can't stop LOLing, that is so funny". She wasn't even laughing. Words actually fail me.

[VladimirIlyich]

2 girls in the office talking nonsense I wasn't listening to, then one of them scream like she has been shot and says "OMG, I am actually literally LOLing and I just can't stop LOLing, that is so funny". She wasn't even laughing. Words actually fail me.

So now you dont even need to physically laugh,words on a screen do it for you!

Brilliant stuff.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

I was at the doctors this morning for my quarterly blood tests and this bird walked in who knows the missus. "Oh hi Gordon, what are you doing here?"

 

"I've got toothache," I replied. She looked at me all baffled and said "It's nice that you don't have to go to a dentist, the waiting times there are a disgrace." 

 

Thick fucking bitch, nice cleavage on show though. 

[Fowlers God]

I've just started a new job and there is a peach of a bird in the office that has come out with some corners today.

 

She is supposed to be the customer services manager.

 

So far today we have had:

 

"My friend is a vegetarian, she is coming round for dinner tonight so I've cooked a chicken hot pot"

 

I replied "chicken"

 

To which she honestly said "it only has 2 legs so she can eat any meat with two legs can't she"

 

This followed with Belgium is the capital of Germany and that werewolfs are real.

 

I reckon she may keep this thread going for a while

[Trumo]

I've just started a new job and there is a peach of a bird in the office that has come out with some corners today.

She is supposed to be the customer services manager.

So far today we have had:

"My friend is a vegetarian, she is coming round for dinner tonight so I've cooked a chicken hot pot"

I replied "chicken"

To which she honestly said "it only has 2 legs so she can eat any meat with two legs can't she"

This followed with Belgium is the capital of Germany and that werewolfs are real.

I reckon she may keep this thread going for a while

 

You know the drill.

[Fowlers God]

You know the drill.

Oh I didn't mean like that, I wouldn't fuck her with yours

[VladimirIlyich]

Oh I didn't mean like that, I wouldn't fuck her with yours

You called her 'A peach of a bird' so we were expecting 'fit.'

[Bjornebye]

She is in the hospital as we speak getting all 4 wisdom teeth removed. I've promised to stay at home with her all weekend yet she has still got her mum down. She stayed last night and was meant to be leaving today. I got up and took her dog and mine down the beach. 2 hours I had the fuckers out hoping that she will be set to leave when I get back. My bird text me while we were still out saying her maa is staying again tonight. Fuck me I was tempted to take the dogs the pub and just stay there out the way all day. I already want to go and watch the game tomorrow in the pub. I text her and said i'm off the shop what do you fancy for dinner.

 

Her reply "Can you pick me up some ice cream?" "

 

"Yeah no worries, what do you want for tea?"

 

"I'm only allowed soup"

 

"Ok what flavour do you fancy?"

 

"I don't like soup"

 

"So are you not going to eat? What will your mum want"

 

"Of course i'm going to want to eat I haven't had a thing since midnight" 

 

"Well what do you want me to get?"

 

"I'll get my mum to sort dinner your fucking useless" 

 

 

Be a long weekend this. 

[Fowlers God]

"I'll get my mum to sort dinner your fucking useless"

 

 

 

Be a long weekend this.

Especially with grammar like that.

[Bjornebye]

Especially with grammar like that.

 

[General Dryness]

Stig mate, they love having temporary conditions that stop them from doing things that you can still do ie eating.

 

"No no, you go ahead and enjoy that steak. I'll just feed off your feelings of guilt."

[scudger99]

My ex missus is a vegetarian.  We had a local eatery refurbished a few years ago, and she insisted that I take her there when they re-opened.  They had virtually fuck all on the menu for vegetarians, so I wolfed down a lovely steak while she nibbled on one piece of garlic bread all the time berating me for not checking the menu out in advance.  Conveniently forgetting that I hadn't been that keen on the place beforehand and it was her that pushed the idea.

Hormonally challenged ?  Most of them are just completely fucking hatstand.

[Furmedge]

My missus is having a bit of a bad time at work at the moment so I sorted a babysitter out for tonight because she moans we never go out (we've only got my mum who can babysit for us so we don't get out often). So the other night I books a restaurant in town and plan our pub crawl before and after. This morning she has said she just wants to order an Indian takeaway and watch a film. No bother I'm thinking, saves all the hassle of town on a Saturday night, but it's nailed on tomorrow that she'll be moaning we never go out.

[scudger99]

Yup, I've had that craziness too.  Whatever you plan in advance will be wrong.  And if you say fuck that for a lark and don't bother, you're wrong.

Little things like breathing and having a pulse means we will always be wrong.

Well I'm right now.  And single.

[Rico1304]

My missus is having a bit of a bad time at work at the moment so I sorted a babysitter out for tonight because she moans we never go out (we've only got my mum who can babysit for us so we don't get out often). So the other night I books a restaurant in town and plan our pub crawl before and after. This morning she has said she just wants to order an Indian takeaway and watch a film. No bother I'm thinking, saves all the hassle of town on a Saturday night, but it's nailed on tomorrow that she'll be moaning we never go out.

I think she means she wants to go out but not with you.

[Furmedge]

I think she means she wants to go out but not with you.

But then who would pay?

[Anny Road]

My other have has a a badly bruised leg after banging it quite badly. She cannot drive so I am Joe le fucking taxi.

Pulled up at our back wall in the car and as usual stopped with the front of the car 2 or 3 inches from our back garden wall. She gets out the passenger seat and proceeds to try and get around the front of the car to our gate. Cue a flurry of expletives about what an inconsiderate bastard I am because she now has to walk an extra 10 ft around the back of the car.

Two hours later after dropping her at her ma's go to pick her up only she is not there and has gone out for coffee with her pals. Did she drive into the shops I ask 'No she walked' came the response. Fuck me.