Joke!

[a stoner]

104 Ding Fu is the newest item on the menu following Dings win in the Masters snooker final.

[aiyic]

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

 

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

 

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

 

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

 

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

 

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

 

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

 

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

 

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

 

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

 

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

 

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

 

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

 

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

 

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

 

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

 

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

 

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

 

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

 

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[halewood pete]

Just seen the seating plan for Gerry Raffertys funeral

 

Clowns to the left,Jokers to the right.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Just been to my first Muslim birthday party. The musical chairs was a bit slow,

but fuck me pass the parcel was quick!

[TheBitch]

I went to the shop and said, "I need a battery so I can tell the time." The man said, "Is it for a clock?" I said, "I don't fucking know, that's why I asked you for a battery."

[TheBitch]

My fucking neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?! 2:30am!Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...

[Guest davelfc]

My fucking neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that?! 2:30am!Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums...

 

Much like.

 

I hate my neighbours, always banging and shouting late at night, sometimes I can hardly hear my drill.

[chauncey]

A man boards a flight and is lucky enough to be sat next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. The man notices she's reading a manual about sexual statistics and asks her about it. "It's a very interesting book," she says. "It says that American Indians have the longest penises while Polish men have the widest. By the way, my name's Jill. What's yours?"

The man replies, "Tonto Kowalski."

[TheBitch]

So Jordan n Alex have split up! I think the only person that didn't see that coming was Harvey!

[taliesin08]

My girlfriends fanny smells like roses, though roses fanny is tighter than my girlfriends.

[JimmyConway]

So Jordan n Alex have split up! I think the only person that didn't see that coming was Harvey!

 

 

Quality.

[TheBitch]

I started the night off with a couple of Stella's and then I took the wife to the theatre... Apparently it's a ruptured spleen, and two broken ribs!

[halewood pete]

I was trying to be a gentleman the other day,I held a door open for a nice young lady.After two minutes,she said "will you fuck off,i'm trying to have a shit."

[Captain Turdseye]

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.

 

I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."

 

She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"

 

"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a shit."

[Guest davelfc]

This bloke gave me a box full of jamaican hair extensions, dreadful.

[halewood pete]

An actor in the local production of Aladdin was anally raped on stage last night by the gay genie.To be fair,the audience did try to warn him.

 

Camilla goes to the Queen and says "every time I suck charles knob I get indigestion"

Queen says "have you tried Andrews ?"

[taliesin08]

Roy Walker got a blow job off his sister.

 

He said " it's good, but it's not right."

[Guest davelfc]

Roy Walker got a blow job off his sister.

 

He said " it's good, but it's not right."

 

Welcome to the 1990's

[Guest TesticleOReilly]

Joined the local amateur dramatic society recently, but all they had was the role of a guy who's been married for 25 years, so I turned it down. I'd prefer a speaking part.

[Trumo]

A policeman sees a tramp with his fingers up another tramp's arse. "What are you two doing?" he asks.

"My good friend has drunk too much and I'm trying to help him be sick," says the tramp.

"Well, sticking your fingers up his arse isn't going to do much," says the policeman.

"Yeah I know officer, but sticking them in his mouth afterwards should work a treat!"

[Captain Turdseye]

Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

I've just seen these new 'lesbian beds' for sale in IKEA.

 

No nuts or screwing involved, its all tongue and groove.

[halewood pete]

Whats the difference between a muslim wife and a scouse wife?

A scouse wife gets stoned before she commits adultery

[NavyRedMan]

A dog walks into a hardware shop and say's to the man behind the counter " i'm looking for a job" man says " why don't you try the circus down the road" dog say's to the man "why would the circus need a plumber".

 

My favourite joke;-)

[Cortinaman666]

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

 

In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! play a jazz chord!"

 

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

 

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

 

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise.

 

But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no.

Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it".

 

 

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............ “A jazz chord to say, I ruv you...