Cortinaman666

The one (I think it's for McDonalds) where some girls are sat round having coffees or something and one of them pipes up with "Then he said 'See you later'" and then the others chime in with "See you lataaaaarrr?". Just fuck off.

Said to me by an ex whilst walking past the duck pond in the local park: 'what type of ducks are they? Well 'ards?' It may be the same girl (or the one I've been seeing since) that pointed out a goose at the same pond and stated 'that swan has got a short neck hasn't it?' Women are fucking useless when it comes to the natural world (unless it's to do with cats)

He used to come in the pub where I used to work when I was at uni. He was in the early stages of his England career then and had been advised to lay off the lager because of his weight and had been told to stick to white wine or champagne instead. He took that advice to mean pints of champagne instead of lager and invariably ended up shit faced after about 20 minutes. He was a decent fella. Dead down to earth.

Widnes is even worse.This season's essential accessory is a pasty and a pram. (just as it has been for years)

When I was at uni I knew a girl like that. My mate slept with her one night and said she was really annoying coz she kept cumming every couple of strokes. She was also allergic to semen, which she found out after a blow job when she was 14. Her mam took her to the doctors after her neck swelled up and the doc said it was an allergic reaction and asked whether she had eaten anything new in the past day or so. She knew what it was but denied knowledge due to her mam being with her. Always thought that was a great story.

Jerzy Shore - Travelogue around the coastline of Britain hosted by a certain person not allowed to be mentioned on the GF

27th January 1978. Richard Chase, who becomes known as the "Dracula Killer," murders Evelyn Miroth and Daniel Meredith, as well as Miroth's 6-year-old son and another woman, in Sacramento, California. Chase sexually assaulted Miroth with a knife before killing her and mutilating her body. He removed some of the organs of the body and filled them with blood before taking them with him. Meredith was found shot in the head. 27th January also Holocaust Remembrance Day. Fucking hell, what a cheery day.

I remember one night going to an all night garage for some cigs after having consumed a shitload of beer. As I approached, a young lady came out and her tits looked amazing, so I told her "Your tits look amazing" and instead of slapping me she thanked me and said she'd just had them done. I did the natural thing and asked what they felt like, and she granted me a go on them. It was ace. Another girl then approached and took great umbrage at this as she claimed hers were "well better" and were all real so I ended up stood on a garage forecourt with a lovely fake tit in one hand and a lovely real one in the other. It's the only thing I remember about that night. A happy moment.

I've just done a slightly wet fart and I feel I should wipe my arse (just in case), but I probably won't.

Get on Sirco Juice - it's a miracle drink. It's supposed to improve your blood circulation (it's got some tasteless extract of tomatoes in it that proven to be beneficial to your heart) one of the side-effects is that it stops you getting bad hangovers. Have 250ml of it every day and you won't look back. I had a shit load of lager/rum/vodka last night and felt right as rain this morning but my two drinking colleagues still feel like boiled shite now.

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request. One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! play a jazz chord!" Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Stevie is really pissed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage " OK - smart arse, you get up here and do it". The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing............ “A jazz chord to say, I ruv you...

It's a must on 12 hour shifts. We have motion sensitive lights in the bogs that go off after 15 minutes of no movement (physical, not bowel) you can't beat sitting in the dark having crimped one out and trying to get three stars on Angry Birds

In all honesty it's just a bucket next to the bed mate

I've bought my missus Jaws on DVD and, as a further romantic gesture, I will not by doing my morning dump in the en-suite.

Love the bit about Liverpool being the benchmark as a famous team: "Even Fergie hasn't done that yet has he? He hasn't quite beat 'em yet" You can see the respect in Holloway's face. Good video.