Marriage & Kids

[WaltonRed]

Im 25, I dont want to get married for atleast another ten years and when I do ill just go away and do it on the cheap. I dont see the point of putting a huge burden financially on yourselves just to say you had a massive wedding.

 

My sister and brother in law are happily married and have a really good marriage but for me its not on the cards for a while yet.

[WeAreTheBest]

Me ma and arl fella aren't married, been together since they were 21, both 54 now. "Don't need a piece of paper to..." is their attitude to it.

 

Not really thought much about it myself yet, I'm still to much of a kid for all that shite.

[xabi the red]

Im 25, I dont want to get married for atleast another ten years and when I do ill just go away and do it on the cheap. I dont see the point of putting a huge burden financially on yourselves just to say you had a massive wedding.

 

My sister and brother in law are happily married and have a really good marriage but for me its not on the cards for a while yet.

 

A couple of (Polish) mates of mine had a two day wedding in Krakow this year. There was Archery, Air rifles, England v Poland footy match and a never ending supply of vodka - an dwe didn't have to pay a penny. t'was brilliant so t'was.

[G Richards]

G, I would value your opinion on the religious aspect of it, in fact I may have asked you this before. Do you see it as hypocritical when people that usually have no consideration for the church wish to marry in one?

 

No I don't. I think there is a general idea even amongst people who aren't very religious that getting married 'before God' is the right way to go about things. (Obviously for those who are staunchly against the notion this doesn't apply, but there are plenty of people who aren't really regular worshippers who are open to getting married in a church).

 

The church has an important role to play in being there for you at this happy time in your life.

[Spy Bee]

As I get bored of most women after about 3 weeks & the ones that I really fancy tend not to fancy me this is not even an issue for me.

 

Having said that, if I were one day to lose my mind and decide to get married, then I would get married in a church despite my lack of religion.

[Dropkick]

For my money, marriage is a tradition, but it is one of the nicer ones. At the risk of sounding cliched, you need to do it for the right reasons, and not for all the religious and social pressure bollocks that surrounds it. I didn't get married in a church because like you I am not religious, and frankly standing in front of a kiddy-fiddler spouting bullshit about his sky wizard (doffs cap in direction of SD for that particular turn of phrase) would have devalued the experience for me, and I choose to disrespect those who have "faith" in other ways.

 

I got married for the same reason I told her I loved her, for the same reason we had kids together, and for the same reason we bought our house together and made it our home. We didn't need to do it, but we did anyway.

 

Who did marry you then.

[Paul]

Like fatherhood, marriage was always something I just assumed I would experience as it seemed such a natural and integral part of life in my extended family. My parents have one of the closest relationships of any couple I've ever known and that has definitely rubbed off on me. To me marriage is about making a commitment to each other in front of all the people in the world you care about and asking them to help you maintain that commitment throughout your lives together.

 

Mrs Paul and I are both atheists from Christian families, with mine being especially religious (mum is now a Methodist minister). We knew that we did not want a religious wedding as, firstly, we didn't believe in it and secondly, it would have been disrespectful in our view to say those words in front of people who knew we didn't believe them.

 

However, we needed a venue that would easily accomodate a large number of people (I come from a big family and am obviously also exceptionally popular) and my mum suggested their church (also the one I went to until I told them I was quitting at the age of 15). The minister was OK with the wedding being non-religious as the church is committed to involving the community in its life as much as possible. We arranged for a close family friend, who is also a Methodist minister to marry us there.

 

Our ceremony was designed to involve as many of our friends and family as possible. The reason for this was that we'd been to the marriage of a mate in Northern Ireland a couple of years before and it had been a shambles. Immediately after the ceremony, all the smokers had pushed past the happy couple to spark up and then piled into the pub across the road. Some didn't even bother coming out to wave them off in the bridal car to the reception. They then all just seemed to treat the entire event as a piss up where the couple themselves were utterly irrelevant to their good time as the cocaine, weed, Es and ale flowed. I found it all really unpleasant to be honest and entirely missing the point. The Christian wedding ceremony actually asks the congregation to bear witness to the vows in order to help the couple stick to them in life. Many of these twats weren't even interested, nevermind listening.

 

So, we had: a friend play the piano while waiting for Mrs Paul to arrive (Stevie Wonder and Bacharach and David); flowers arranged by my mum and nan; dresses made by my mother-in-law; a car from my uncle; photographs taken by another close friend; readings by other friends (The Owl and The Pussycat and Sonnet From The Portugese); friends and family as ushers, best man and bridesmaids (obviously); and another friend accompany me on the piano when I sang (straight up - Can't Take My Eyes Off You by Andy Williams - there wasn't a dry eye in the house; it was fucking beautiful, man). We wrote our own vows (nothing poncey - just the removal of references to God) and basically had a great time. We also made certain that the congregation were actively involved and had their responsibilities spelled out to them. It was the joint best day of my life.

 

The bottom line is that marriage is a deeply personal thing and for us it works brilliantly. I do feel that the public bond pushed us closer together and has helped us deal with the tough times in life (although there haven't really been any in terms of our relationship itself). I don't have an issue at all with those who prefer not to marry, though. However, I always remind the lads at school when they hit 14/15 and are first on the sniff for a shag in the park that if you get a girl pregnant and aren't married to her, you have absolutely no rights but every single responsibility there is. With our kids, Mrs Paul kept her own name and we gave them her surname as a middle name (no they don't have a double-barrelled amalgamation for a surname).

 

In short, getting married was, along with having our children, the best thing I've ever done. It is a fundamental part of who I am and how I think of myself. I like the sound of being someone's husband and it reminds me that I have responsibilities beyond myself. I hope I never do it again.

[hamstrung]

I went to a humanist wedding in the summer. That was very good in terms of the vows etc

 

Also, however good your wedding day is, it will never be better than May 25 2005.

[Elmyn Noos]

No I don't. I think there is a general idea even amongst people who aren't very religious that getting married 'before God' is the right way to go about things. (Obviously for those who are staunchly against the notion this doesn't apply, but there are plenty of people who aren't really regular worshippers who are open to getting married in a church).

 

The church has an important role to play in being there for you at this happy time in your life.

 

Most people I know who got married in church did so because they wanted the "big white wedding". They had no more interest or belief in god or the church when they walked out than they did when they walked in.

[I Am The One Who Knocks]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=828AY_heqq4&eurl=http://widget-11.slide.com/widgets/sf.swf

[Karl_b]

Damn it. I knew Paul would come on here and make it sound not half bad.

[Mark P]

Got married cos I love the missus, but refused to do so in a church, as neither of us are religous. Had a civil ceremony, top venue and top day.

[Spy Bee]

In short, getting married was, along with having our children, the best thing I've ever done. It is a fundamental part of who I am and how I think of myself. I like the sound of being someone's husband and it reminds me that I have responsibilities beyond myself. I hope I never do it again.

Oooh smacks of codependence to me that Paul :whistle:

[Hamma]

Karl - great question see quite a number of similarities in my situation.

 

G - thanks for the sound advice.

[Stu Monty]

Great post from Paulo there, but you knew upon looking at the title of the thread that he was going to tell you some ace story about having Mos Def reading his vows or something, it's just the way things are.

 

I think I've been accused of pissing on peoples chips before when we've discussed marriage but I really do think it's an outdated system that a lot of people just go along with to follow "the norm"; quite similar to the way some people see having kids in that it's just something you should do (there doesn't seem to be a lot of consideration of why you should).

 

I think that having kids would mean that marriage becomes more important as a father for the legal reason that Paul alludes to, but I can't see me wanting kids so that won't come into play.

[Owen]

Paul, you're just too good to be true.

[Remmie]

Oi, nothing wrong with double-barrelled surnames shit beard.

 

What are these access benefits married fathers get over single fathers? My married father mate got fuck all rights and had to beg his ex wife and do whatever she wanted until he was granted custody due to her neglect of them.

[Cath]

Interesting to hear a male perspective on this.

 

Karl, I think your priorities change as you get older. In my 20s and 30s it would never have occurred to me to get married. Couldn't see the point. We started to talk about getting married for practical reasons. The house was in my name but he had contributed financially for many years and he'd supported me through setting up a business. To all intents and purposes we were running our finances as though we were married. Also I have no immediate next of kin so things would be tricky if owt happened to me and he lost his father last Xmas which makes us all reflect a little on life. I'd never wanted a big wedding, in fact the idea horrified me. I think I'm unusual in that! We just took 4 friends down to the registry office one Friday morning last September and bought them drinks for the rest of the day.

 

Neither of us are religious so a church service would've seemed very hypocritical to me and just, well, not for me. I have no problem with people who do have a church service regardless of their religious views (which are their own affair). I think a lot of people who aren't regular church goers do still think of themselves as believers in god. And I do think there is a gulf in society that is crying our for institutions such as the church to provide a wider pastoral role for the whole community.

[dudek#1]

I believe marriage is just another thing which is there to be broken. An administrative procedure, a piece of paper, a length of red tape. And such a triviality it is not going to make you love somebody any more. In fact I think it would seriously make me feel less secure.

 

You don't need to prove your love, commitment or zeal for someone to anybody but yourself.

[zigackly]

Been happily not married with the missus for over fifteen years, shared bank account, mortgage, all that. Neither of us have ever felt we needed a commitment anywhere else but in our heads: piece of paper not important. Neither of us religious, can't see the point of spending money on a reception. Don't actually want kids. Etc.

 

Recently she's been bugging me about getting married for legal reasons as it would make it easier on the old rights if something happened to either of us.

 

Strange thing is, I have this odd feeling it would rock the boat. Been together for longer than most marriages, can't see anything splitting us up, just don't want to do it, out of principle as well as some un-nameable feeling that it would spell the end of a good thing.

 

Tell me I'm mad, so I can book the appointment at the registry office and sort her head out.

[RedinSweden]

We got married in a church. It was the catholic church where my wife went to school and her parents got married there. I wasn't too concerned really. The reception was ace and it was lovely to see all our mates and rellies getting along famously.

 

I can only echo what Paul said. For me it is an important thing. My kids like the fact that we are married and it was always what I was going to do. I can understand that not everyone wants to, but I am a big fan. It certainly doesn't strengthen a dodgy relationship, probably quite the opposite, but I do think it did for us.

[Paul]

Oi, nothing wrong with double-barrelled surnames shit beard.

 

What are these access benefits married fathers get over single fathers? My married father mate got fuck all rights and had to beg his ex wife and do whatever she wanted until he was granted custody due to her neglect of them.

 

There is when one of them is Natton. That fucker ain't pairing up comfortably with anything.

[Mav]

Marriage rules.

 

Been married 7 years. Lived together 3 years before that and been together 16 years.

 

Didn't think it would change anything but it did - very slightly. Just felt it mattered more.

 

Got married in church as I had a Catholic upbringing and just didn't feel right getting married anywhere else. Childhood pulls and all that. Mrs Mav is a CofE but was happy getting married in a proper church (no offence Vicar).

I guess it meant less to her than me but then her Catholic-lite religion has only been around for less than 500 years.

[WaltonRed]

Paul that post was ace on toast.

[Tom R]

People get married for lots of different reasons. And whatever yours is then that's cool.

I know a guy who got married because he was a catholic and just needed his oats. He got divorced after 6 months, but he still refers to the episode as "Mission Accomplished".

Some get married for financial reasons, getting joint mortgages, sorting out one of the partners bad debt history or whetever.

Others simply because they're deeply in love and believe it to be the next logical step in their relationship, perhaps before having kids.

 

Me? I got married because I thought it would make me appear more commital and hence far more attractive to other, much racier women.