Family Strife

[General Dryness]

Sorry to hear all that, Secsh mate. Never a truer statement than "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family". I get on a lot better with mine now that I'm on the other side of the world. Not that theres many of us, mind.

 

I can only echo what others are saying here, concentrate on your missus, don't let the rest of them distract you from doing right by her.

 

Keep your chin up.

[Champ]

Now I do know how it works where you are but it doesn't sound to me as if the relationship between your mother and sister is doing either of them any good and I wonder whether they could contact Social Services for an assessment of their respective needs, from support organisations through to supported living away from home for your sister

[KMD7]

Look after your Mrs and yourself Section. You've tried your best mate. Don't let guilt eat you up either, that shit will do you no good at all.

 

Champ has given you good advice there as well regarding contacting someone to help your mum and sister. You cannot handle this on your own without it causing all types of grief for you and your good lady. Take care mate.

 

[Mook]

Sorry to hear all that, Secsh mate. Never a truer statement than "you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family". I get on a lot better with mine now that I'm on the other side of the world. Not that theres many of us, mind.

 

I can only echo what others are saying here, concentrate on your missus, don't let the rest of them distract you from doing right by her.

 

Keep your chin up.

What is the population of the Isle of Man?

[General Dryness]

Around 85,000.

 

But I can only legitimately call about 37,000 of them "Dad".

[littletedwest]

My dad's an alcoholic. Luckily he was a functioning one so I didn't have a bad childhood. Early adulthood was tough as he hit the skids. Borrowing money,losing his job, splitting from my mum and eventually ending up homeless.

I know it's effected me, low self esteem, anxiety issues (which tablets help )

That said compared to some stories here it's been a piece of cake. Get on well with the old man, my sister and my mum.

[A Red]

I come from a small family, what i do have are either in Liverpool or N Ireland so i dont see that much of them but we all get on well when i do.

 

My problem is my ex wife who is mentally ill, currently living in a hostel and my daughter who is in with the wrong crowd and not worked or been in education in the 10 years since leaving school. My son is relatively normal and tries his best and is a grafter. The problem is that his mother and sister are always either sponging off him, trying to make him feel guilty over something or another or using him. 

 

My answer to it is to have nothing to do with the ex or my daughter. I love my daughter to bits but she is a compulsive liar, aggressive and lazy. I've tried numerous times and have spent loads of money to try and help her and it does no good. I have told her i will be there for her when she genuinely wants to turn her life around but i have to see cast iron proof before i do anything. In the meantime i have nothing to do with her.

 

Its easy for me i live hundreds of miles away, they cant get to me but its my son i worry for. Until he realises that he has to cut them off totally they will continue to make his life a misery.

 

Thats my point Section, you have to get the shit out of your life either your sister or your sister and your mother. You cant help them, they can only help themselves.  Remember that.

[Moo]

Now I do know how it works where you are but it doesn't sound to me as if the relationship between your mother and sister is doing either of them any good and I wonder whether they could contact Social Services for an assessment of their respective needs, from support organisations through to supported living away from home for your sister

Absolutely agree with this. Section 31, unless you're willing to live with this long term (or completely turn your back on them) you should try and get both your mum and sister some help as soon as possible. I think you know this already but your mum has and is contributing to your sisters behaviour, the "easy life" route is clearly a tempting option but you sound like a decent fella and the easy life won't be for you when your mum is no longer able to look after her. If you have to step in at a later date, through your conscience or perhaps a change in how you view your sister and her behaviour, you could be stepping into an even worse situation, it could be another 30 years worth of your sister's destructive behaviour and your mum's enabling. Do something while your sister's still young enough to learn new behaviours.

[Section_31]

Now I do know how it works where you are but it doesn't sound to me as if the relationship between your mother and sister is doing either of them any good and I wonder whether they could contact Social Services for an assessment of their respective needs, from support organisations through to supported living away from home for your sister

Social services and local support charities have been a disgrace.

 

Before she had a breakdown I contacted about 30 organisations and none could or would help.

 

I took her to the local carers centre and the best they could do was offer a pedicure - which she'd have to pay for - coffee mornings or a trip to Fleetwood market, which she'd also have to pay for.

 

They didn't have any means of one to one support or advice at all, they seemed to find the concept baffling.

 

Social services came out for a visit and my mum was in tears the whole way through. I just sat there holding her hand. The social worker looked at me and said 'you might want to get her some help, I don't think a coffee morning is going to cut the mustard'. I was like 'me?'.

 

In their defence though they left a £150 cheque to get the carpet cleaned.

 

I suspect there's a huge amount of people, especially charities, stealing a living with all this stuff. Many of them middle aged who are blocking younger people who might come in and inject some dynamism and compassion into these services.

[Hades]

Autism is a brutal illness that leaves ones in patterns of oblivious self-destruction. However hard her behaviour is on you, it's a million times harder on her. My brother doesn't believe I have depression, he thinks I'm lazy. He's also a Tory gobshite and I have fucked him and his wife out from my life. I hope your sister does the same to you. 

[Anubis]

Autism is a brutal illness that leaves ones in patterns of oblivious self-destruction. However hard her behaviour is on you, it's a million times harder on her. My brother doesn't believe I have depression, he thinks I'm lazy. He's also a Tory gobshite and I have fucked him and his wife out from my life. I hope your sister does the same to you.

I'm sorry, but that is spectacularly misjudged. I think you owe Mark an apology. I'm sorry, Hades, but this is bang out of order.

[Hades]

He owes his sister an apology. I care far more about her feelings than his. 

[Section_31]

I'm sorry, but that is spectacularly misjudged. I think you owe Mark an apology. I'm sorry, Hades, but this is bang out of order.

 

I wouldn't dignify it with an answer. Needless to say I've spent my entire life chasing her across roads, picking her up from hospitals, paying for my family to have holidays, physically and verbally defending her, accompanying my mum to psychology appointments, chasing up support services, advice, and educational courses, getting them out the house for a drive or to the shops pretty much every day after work, and all I got for my trouble was a nervous breakdown. After all this the only anger I've ever expressed about it is on an internet football forum, not to her face, 

 

Hades is a child in every sense. 

[Moctezuma]

I was a severe shock to the system for me when I started encountering the machinations that go on in other peoples families. Mine (with the exception of some mild irritation) get on pretty well, though we're fairly spaced out through the country and abroad so that perhaps leads to an element of 'the heart grows fonder...'.

 

I was at some Christmas party a while back where I realised I was the only one who's parents hadn't divorced, mine piss each other off royally but they are both pretty stubborn and loyal so I'd imagine will stay together until one is six foot under. I think having the precedent of parents who are still together and act in a fairly normative way sets you up fairly well for long term relationships*.

 

I'm wondering how much of a factor does geography play in this, my girlfriend and her sister rile each other up but in part that's because they live in close proximity and see each other fairly regularly without having much in common. 

 

* As does having a long term relationship that ends fairly amicably prior to settling down

 

 

 

 

Regarding Sec's post, living with someone who is autistic can be pretty difficult for all those involved. 

 

Right I'm about to indulge in some massive sweeping generalisations here but bare with me.

 

Dyslexia and Autism whilst both being learning difficulties have a tendency to create almost entirely different personas,  with Dyslexics inclined to be more social, visual, orally attuned and propensity to deal with generalisms whilst those with autism tend to be more exact, mathematical, inclined to reading and less social.

 

I as a dyslexic find it quite difficult to empahise with those who have autism, even when trying my hardest, as it's almost the complete different end of of the spectrum of human personality. Both sets of people tend to get mashed by the current education system though, and I don't think that helps people during a crucial stage of their development. This I tend to find has a propensity of leading to a loss of confidence and a whole cavalcade of other problems that comes with that.

[Champ]

Social services and local support charities have been a disgrace.

 

Before she had a breakdown I contacted about 30 organisations and none could or would help.

 

I took her to the local carers centre and the best they could do was offer a pedicure - which she'd have to pay for - coffee mornings or a trip to Fleetwood market, which she'd also have to pay for.

 

They didn't have any means of one to one support or advice at all, they seemed to find the concept baffling.

 

Social services came out for a visit and my mum was in tears the whole way through. I just sat there holding her hand. The social worker looked at me and said 'you might want to get her some help, I don't think a coffee morning is going to cut the mustard'. I was like 'me?'.

 

In their defence though they left a £150 cheque to get the carpet cleaned.

 

I suspect there's a huge amount of people, especially charities, stealing a living with all this stuff. Many of them middle aged who are blocking younger people who might come in and inject some dynamism and compassion into these services.

I thought I remembered you speaking about this before...

 

You and more particularly your mum and sister got a wholly inadequate response to your past efforts to get them some help but I would encourage you to have another go. I don't know the legal obligations on social services in England to provide support but I would suggest a call to a national charity's helpline, NAS, for instance for advice on your mum and sister's rights to support and with that you/your mum can go back to social services and request a reassessment. It might also be worth her talking to her GP to see if she can get them on board to fight for some support for her

[Section_31]

I thought I remembered you speaking about this before...

 

You and more particularly your mum and sister got a wholly inadequate response to your past efforts to get them some help but I would encourage you to have another go. I don't know the legal obligations on social services in England to provide support but I would suggest a call to a national charity's helpline, NAS, for instance for advice on your mum and sister's rights to support and with that you/your mum can go back to social services and request a reassessment. It might also be worth her talking to her GP to see if she can get them on board to fight for some support for her

 

Yeah tried it all Cath. The NAS refer you to local services, they're pretty shite in all honesty, they offer a lot of guest speaker events where you have to pay to go, which is about as pointless as the pope's balls.

 

The GP referred her to some carer woman who I contacted, she came a couple of times then just stopped responding to calls and emails, I got the impression she was on to a good little doss. 

 

The problem with services in her area isn't a lack of funding, there is funding and there are services - but - they're doing the wrong things. 

 

If I was going to start a carer charity the first things I'd invest my funds in would be financial advice and peer-to-peer support, not coach trips to a fish market. 

 

This thread has prompted me to try again, I've fired off about another dozen emails last night and this morning and will see what comes of it. Seriously considering contacting the council leader too who used to be a good contact of mine. 

[lifetime fan]

Whenever you speak to social services or the local authority, make sure every single time you mention the Autism Bill and remind them they have a statutory obligation to provide suitable support to your sister.

[Champ]

Yeah tried it all Cath. The NAS refer you to local services, they're pretty shite in all honesty, they offer a lot of guest speaker events where you have to pay to go, which is about as pointless as the pope's balls.

 

The GP referred her to some carer woman who I contacted, she came a couple of times then just stopped responding to calls and emails, I got the impression she was on to a good little doss.

 

The problem with services in her area isn't a lack of funding, there is funding and there are services - but - they're doing the wrong things.

 

If I was going to start a carer charity the first things I'd invest my funds in would be financial advice and peer-to-peer support, not coach trips to a fish market.

 

This thread has prompted me to try again, I've fired off about another dozen emails last night and this morning and will see what comes of it. Seriously considering contacting the council leader too who used to be a good contact of mine.

 

Hades, see above for a man who does care about his mum and sister and in spite of the hassle and rebuttals is not prepared to just let things go. We need more not less Sections in this world.

 

What I was trying to say about going to a national charity, Mark, was to get clear information from them about what your mum and sister are legally entitled to as far as support is concerned. Here the minimum would be a legal entitlement to a needs assessment for your sister and a carer's assessment for your mum...it's no guarantee of services but at least gives you a base to work from.

 

And getting your local councillor/MP involved is always the trump card. We hate it at work because those that do get the gold star treatment regardless of priority in relation to others but if you want something for family/friends, do it every time

[Champ]

He owes his sister an apology. I care far more about her feelings than his.

 

Hades, you are out of order and what's more if you cared for his sister's feelings, like you say you do, you'd be doing everything you could to support and offer advice to Section in his efforts to support his mum and sister

[VladimirIlyich]

Hades, you are out of order and what's more if you cared for his sister's feelings, like you say you do, you'd be doing everything you could to support and offer advice to Section in his efforts to support his mum and sister

Dont feed the troll,Cath.

[Hades]

Hades, you are out of order and what's more if you cared for his sister's feelings, like you say you do, you'd be doing everything you could to support and offer advice to Section in his efforts to support his mum and sister

 

The majority of people respond better to abuse than to genuine advice, I've sadly found. 

[KMD7]

No Hades, an apology to Section is what is needed.  He doesn't need abuse to get him moving on this, just some compassion and understanding.

[Champ]

The majority of people respond better to abuse than to genuine advice, I've sadly found.

 

It's not most people's experience, Hades

[Hades]

No Hades, an apology to Section is what is needed.  He doesn't need abuse to get him moving on this, just some compassion and understanding.

 

I found the stuff he posted about his Mum enabling his sister to be one of the vilest things I've read on here. So, no thanks. I won't give in to the ableist agenda. 

[Hades]

I will concede, at least Section knows he's a bit of a cunt. Which is probably better than 90% of the population when it comes to dealing with these things. So credit for that I suppose.