The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[neko]

smoking makes you gay...

 

New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke' | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[neko]

Struggling Museum Now Allowing Patrons To Touch Paintings

 

 

NEW YORK—Hoping to boost attendance and broaden its base of supporters, the Metropolitan Museum of Art launched a new initiative this week that allows patrons, for the first time ever, to prod and scratch at the classic paintings in its revered collection.

 

"Though it contains more than two million pieces and represents a profound legacy of artistic achievement, most people remain completely indifferent to our museum," Met director Thomas P. Campbell said. "So we decided to try something a little different and give visitors a chance to experience our timeless works of art up close and personal."

 

Added Campbell, "Please, bring the whole family and smudge up our paintings as much as you want."

 

According to Campbell, attendance has increased tenfold since the new policy went into effect, with record turnouts causing 45-minute waits for those wishing to clumsily paw at the works of Vincent van Gogh.

 

"You can't grasp the brilliance of a great painting just by looking at it," said Phil Brehm, 32, who acknowledged that he hadn't set foot inside a museum since a mandatory field trip in high school. "To truly appreciate fine art, you need to be able to run your fingers over its surface and explore its range of textures."

 

"Or just rub your face all over it, like I do," Brehm added.

 

Gerard Schmidt, a retired banker who lives near the Met, said he had never much cared for museums until he was given the chance to manhandle one of Monet's Water Lilies.

 

"At first it just looked like a picture of a bunch of lily pads, but then I started scraping at it with my pocket knife and the whole painting just sort of spoke to me," Schmidt said. "For the first time, I finally understand what Monet was trying to get across in her work."

 

Art students also took advantage of the Met's relaxed rules, with many photocopying Cézanne canvasses or trying to gain insight into Rembrandt's techniques by tracing over Aristotle With A Bust Of Homer with soft pencils and charcoal.

 

Karen Cooper, a 41-year-old mother of four, said she enjoyed her first visit to the Met, but admitted it was exhausting to spend an entire afternoon touching paintings.

 

"This is good to know about, though" said Cooper, before applying another coating of moisturizing lotion to her hands and returning to palm more Vermeers. "Whenever I need some alone time, I can bring the kids here and send them off to go play with the Picassos for a while."

 

Museum officials confirmed that many new visitors have given donations to the museum to get special member benefits, such as being allowed to remove works of art from the walls and sit down with them while enjoying food or drinks in the café.

 

The new policy has been so popular that on Monday the Met began extending tactile privileges beyond its paintings. Patrons are now invited to climb inside ancient Egyptian sarcophagi, whether to take a souvenir photo or just carve a message into a 2,500-year-old sacred coffin. Museum-goers are also encouraged to try on the medieval suits of armor and participate in mock battles.

 

Commenting on the diversity of the museum's permanent collection, Met publicity director Sarita Bhakta said, "Where else can you recline in an original Mies chair, put your feet up on a Rodin, and play "The Devil Went Down To Georgia" on a 300-year-old Stradivarius?"

 

Some, however, remained unimpressed.

 

"I touched a crapload of Jasper Johns' paintings," said Mark Bennet, 67. "I just don't get why they're supposed to be so special. They feel like any regular old painting."

 

Still, the Met's success has inspired other institutions to follow suit. The Guggenheim Museum now allows customers to swing from its Calder mobiles, while the American Museum of Natural History has begun charging $2 to ride atop its famed brontosaurus skeleton.

 

And the cash-strapped Boston Symphony Orchestra has created a special "Jam Night" during which audience members can come up onstage to play along with the orchestra, improvise lyrics, or just twirl around waving colored scarves.

 

"Sometimes you have to go that extra mile to grab people's attention," said Campbell, the Met director. "Sometimes it takes more than curating exhibits that bring meaning and context to our complex cultural heritage, more than preserving works of art that capture the spirit of transcendence unique to humankind."

 

Continued Campbell: "Next year we're going to let people grab any masterpiece they like and just take a shit on it."

[neko]

Zombie Reagan Raised From Grave To Lead GOP | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[INTORRESTING]

ONION MOVIE is class

me no rikey

[Total Longo]

Genius.

 

FDA Approves Depressant Drug For The Annoyingly Cheerful | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

 

In The Know: Are Reality Shows Setting Unrealistic Standards For Skanks? | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

[Guest The Big Green Bastard]

[YOUTUBE]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEsbY1-9UYg&hl=en_GB&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEsbY1-9UYg&hl=en_GB&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/YOUTUBE]

[neko]

"it will look like we're just holding on to it for canada..."

 

[YOUTUBE]0Kn_GqbXQgM[/YOUTUBE]

[neko]

had to do a google search in TLW to post this in the right thread - it's worth it.

 

[YOUTUBE]f8XcVc_0ykU[/YOUTUBE]

[neko]

i'm not searching for the batman thread.

 

[YOUTUBE]4erdYR7DrsE[/YOUTUBE]

[neko]

I don't dare bump the Steve Jobs tribute thread....

 

Apple Announces Plans To Release Steve Jobs 2 (Full coverage Tues 10/9c only on IFC) | Onion News Network

[brucespanner]

Gruniad from a few days ago.

 

The Onion tests satire limits with fake Congress hostage report

The satirical news website, The Onion, has caused a Twitter storm with a fake rolling news report of a hostage situation at the US Capitol.

 

It had people going though.

[Kevin D]

http://www.theonion.com/article/bar-skanks-announce-plans-to-kiss-2228

 

 

COLUMBUS, OH—In an announcement that received wide attention throughout Wolverine's Tavern Tuesday, bar skanks Stephanie Fletcher and Jessica Keneally stated that they would share a passionate kiss at an unspecified time that evening.

"Steph and I are totally hot for each other," Keneally said over the loud music to several unspecified bar patrons. "We're going to make out. We don't care who's watching."

 

The skanks pose for one of the hundreds of pictures taken over the course of the night.

 

 

 

According to eyewitnesses who looked up the second they walked in the door, the 22-year-old skanks arrived at the bar at approximately 10 p.m, dressed in their usual skank attire of low-cut tank tops paired with either low-rider jeans or a short skirt, and exposed, brightly colored thongs.

 

 

After downing their third cosmopolitans, the two skanks stood up and began grinding to the R. Kelly song "I'm a Flirt," which caused a nearby conversation about the Cleveland Indians to come to a sudden halt.

 

 

"Quit staring," Keneally said to the approximately 25 male patrons in the immediate vicinity, all of whom were by that time involuntarily ogling the skank-ass pair. "Oh my God, you guys are such pervs."

Fletcher would neither confirm nor deny that the kiss would involve tongue, saying that bargoers "would just have to wait."

 

The skank duo gyrates lasciviously as a growing crowd of men capture mental images for later use.

 

 

"Who knows what will go down," Fletcher said as she reached into Keneally's tight top and tweaked her left breast with her thumb and middle finger in front of seven rapt onlookers. "Possibly us."    

 

 

In previous months, Keneally and Fletcher have, either separately or together, shown off their lower-back tattoos, held a loud conversation about who had the larger breasts, and displayed their oral sex techniques on bottles of Bud Light.

 

Neither is a lesbian.

 

 

"Those chicks are all over each other— awesome!" said 24-year-old Matt Lalley, one of dozens of slightly intoxicated males who, despite their highly evolved brains, were unable to stop looking at the suggestive twosome. "This is going to be the best night of my life."

 

 

As the evening wore on, the skanks' hair grew lank and stringy, increasingly clinging to their sweaty faces despite frequent coquettish head tosses. The heat and close quarters of the small bar also caused  the sparkly body makeup worn by Fletcher to collect in the crevices of her collarbone and between her breasts. According to Wolverine's bartender Helene Dorman, the skanks also left thick hot pink lipstick prints on their drink glasses.

 

However, none of these factors resulted in any decrease in the amount of attention paid to the skanks.

 

"I just can't look away," said Frank Sturm, watching as Keneally leaned over the pool table to display her plunging neckline for the ninth time. "And the thing is, the one in the skirt isn't even all that hot."

 

"I'd really like to think I'm above this," Sturm's friend, Greg Kleist, added. "But what can I say? I'm not. They're totally going to kiss."

 

Not everyone was as enthusiastic about the pair's announcement. A 28-year-old female bar patron rolled her eyes at the girls' predictable antics, and was immediately dismissed by Fletcher and Keneally as "jealous." The bartender reported that she'd seen similar scenes play out on countless other evenings.

 

"You mean the one that flashed her tits last week is gonna make out with the girl who was telling everyone she wasn't wearing any underwear?" Dorman asked while setting out newly washed glasses. "Whatever."

 

As of press time, the pair had still not kissed, as they were rumored to be waiting for someone to buy them another drink before astonishing onlookers with their shocking intra-gender lip-lock.

[Kevin D]

https://www.theonion.com/jurisprudence-fetishist-gets-off-on-technicality-1819586446
 

Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality