THE GREATEST JOKE IN THE WORLD. EVER.

[Hermes]

A man walks into a bar, buys a pint and takes a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the bar. He hears "Nice suit sir" in a whispered voice, turns around but there's nobody there. He walks over to the fruit machine, puts a pound in but the wheels don't spin. He hears "Ha, you've lost your money you stupid fat bastard" in a whispered voice. He turns around but there's nobody there.

 

He calls the barman over and tells him what happened. The barman says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the fruit machine is out of order".

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I was in a Chinese restaurant when a mallard came to my table, gave me a rose, told me I have beautiful eyes and then started reciting poetry.

 

I said - "Waiter! I ordered aromatic duck!"

[Ezekiel 25:17]

A guy owns a horse farm. One day a friend phones him up , "I've sent a dwarf with a speech impediment to see you. He wants to buy a horse". Sure enough the dwarf turns up.

 

Dwarf asks "I want to buy a horth"

 

The owner asks him "Do you want a male horse or a female horse ?"

 

The Dwarf replies "A female horth"

 

The owner shows him a Mare.

t

"Nithe Horth" says the Dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks up the Dwarf to show him the Horses eyes.

 

"Nithe eyth" says the Dwarf "can I thee her teeth?" Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.

 

"Nithe teeth, can I see her eerth?" The Dwarf asks. By now the owner is getting a little fed up, but again picks up the Dwarf to show him the horses ears.

 

"Nithe eerth," he says "Can I see her twot?" With this the owner picks up the Dwarf and shoves his head deep between the horse's legs, holding him there for a second before pulling him out & putting down.

 

"Perhaps I should rephrathe that" said the Dwarf, "can I see her wun awound?"

 

I think ive already posted this joke but hey my material is shorter than richard blackwoods music career so, what ya gunna do.

[TonyTNT]

A bloke walks into a bar carrying an 18" alligator.

The landlord says, "What do think you're doing? Get that fucking thing out of here. I don't allow pets in my pub".

The guy tries to explain. "Look he won't cause any trouble. He's well trained and I'll prove it". He then proceeds to put the alligator on the bar and says, "open".

The alligator open its mouth and you can see all of its razor sharp teeth. "Now watch this", he says and proceeds to remove his penis through his zipper and lays his balls gently onto the alligator's teeth.

He then orders a beer and proceeds to drink it. All the while the alligator keeps its mouth open and nothing happens. After finishing the beer the man gently removes his penis and puts it back into his pants.

He then says, "close" and the alligator closes its mouth. "You see he is perfectly trained. He would do that for anybody. Does anyone want to try?"

After looking around he finally he hears a drunk whose sitting at table say "I'd like to try. But I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."

[Stark]

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo!

 

She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"

 

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the Annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".

 

He swallowed, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business Role at this convention?"

 

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

 

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

 

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name.".....

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

[JER]

Stevie Wonder is giving a concert in Tokyo, when a man shouts out "Play a jazz chord"

 

Stevie considers this an odd request, but hits out a couple of bars of Herbie Hancock to keep the punter happy.

 

The man is getting very agitated and shouts out again "Play a jazz chord"

 

 

Stevie, equally annoyed, beckons the man onto the stage and tells him to do better - the man then grabs the mike and sings "A jazz chord, to say, I love you"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

> Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It

was a

> cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the

> streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken

by

> the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then

> suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

> Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the

driving

> rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

> He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box

> approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more

> clearly....It was a coffin.

>

>

> Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and

started

> walking briskly home.

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

> He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking

> faster.........

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...... Bump......

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........BUMP.....

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........BUMP......

>

>

>

>

>

> The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he

> heard the coffin speed up after him......

>

>

>

> BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........BUMP......BUMP.....

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> He started to sprint, but so did the coffin

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

>

>

>

>

>

> Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was

only

> seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his

keys,

> His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside

> slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and

> lumped into his comfy chair.

>

>

>

>

> Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way

through

> the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin

> allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued

its

> chase.....

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP..SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

>

> In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could

> take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the

door........

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and

> launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the

> bathroom door flew off its hinges....

>

>

>

>

> The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young

> terrified lad.

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP..SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

> In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom

> cabinet......

>

>

>

>

> He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the

> coffin....... still it came

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ....

>

>

>

> Still it came......

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

>

> He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> The coffin stopped.

>

[Hermes]

My first job interview was for a warehouse operative:

 

Boss: "Can you make a pot of tea?"

 

Me: "Yes sir"

 

Boss: "Can you drive a fork lift truck".

 

Me: "Christ, how big is the teapot?"

[Franny DelMucho]

this one has probably been heard many times but i love it.....

 

Some Scouser is on holiday in the USA and he walks into a bar in the remote hills of Nevada. He was talking to the barman when he seen an old indian sittin in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. 'Who's he?' said the scouser. 'That's the Memory Man.' said the bartender. 'He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.' So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won't know about English football, asks 'Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?'. 'Liverpool' replies the Memory Man. 'Who did they beat?' 'Leeds' was the reply. 'And the score?' '2-1' 'Who scored the winning goal?' 'Ian St. John' was the old man's reply. The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back. A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue. He approached him with the greeting 'How'. The Memory man replied.....'Diving header in the six yard box'.

 

ber bumf

[Dan M]

Simon Weston was the first celeb to be thrown off celebrity hells kitchen as he had burnt his chops!!

[Dan M]

Whats got three legs is brown and stinks of shit??

.

.

.

.

.

 

A stool

 

 

 

Dont worry I am here all day!!!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

A farmer had a talking sheepdog. Every morning, they would head out

to the fields together and the dog would keep talking all the way. On

and on and on. In fact, the farmer was getting a bit sick of it. One

morning, he said to the dog

>

> - "OK, if you're so clever, go and count all the sheep in that

field."

>

> So the dog scampered off and returned a few minutes later, saying

>

> - "40. There are 40 sheep"

>

> The farmer said

>

> - "Hah! You're wrong! There are only 39 sheep!"

>

> -

>

> -

>

> -

>

> -

>

> -

>

> -

>

> -

>

> - " Ah....." said the dog,

>

> -

>

> -

>

> -

>

> -

>

> - " ... I rounded them up!"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Whats got three legs is brown and stinks of shit??

.

.

.

.

.

 

A stool

 

 

 

 

Why has a milking stool only got three legs?

 

Cos the co's got de udder.

[loadsoftrophies]

Baby balloon is getting a bit too big to be sleeping in his parents bed so they tell him to stay in his room.

Baby balloon goes to bed but he's wide awake for ages so he decides to sneak into his parents bedroom and sleep with them in the bed, but as he tries to get in between the 2 of them he realises he can't fit so he leans over to Mammy balloon and leaves some air out of her but he still can't fit so he then leans over to Daddy balloon and leaves some air out of him but again he still can't fit so he then leaves some air out of himself and at last he can fit and he eventually falls asleep.

Next morning Baby balloon wakes up and sees Daddy balloon and Mammy balloon looking at him very angrily and then Daddy balloon speaks:

 

"You were told to stay in your own room but instead you got into bed with us, i'm very disappointed in you Baby balloon, not only have you let me down you've left your mother down and you've also left yourself down."

[lfclad_4eva]

> Last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It

was a

> cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the

> streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken

by

> the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then

> suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

> Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the

driving

> rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

> He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box

> approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more

> clearly....It was a coffin.

>

>

> Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and

started

> walking briskly home.

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

> He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking

> faster.........

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...... Bump......

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........BUMP.....

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........BUMP......

>

>

>

>

>

> The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he

> heard the coffin speed up after him......

>

>

>

> BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........BUMP......BUMP......

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP........BUMP......BUMP.....

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> He started to sprint, but so did the coffin

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

>

>

>

>

>

> Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was

only

> seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his

keys,

> His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside

> slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and

> lumped into his comfy chair.

>

>

>

>

> Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way

through

> the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin

> allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued

its

> chase.....

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP..SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

>

> In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could

> take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the

door........

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and

> launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the

> bathroom door flew off its hinges....

>

>

>

>

> The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young

> terrified lad.

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP..SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

> In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom

> cabinet......

>

>

>

>

> He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the

> coffin....... still it came

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ....

>

>

>

> Still it came......

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it .still it came......

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

>

>

>

>

>

>

> He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

> The coffin stopped.

>

 

 

Great joke, i tell it all the time, a Soccer AM Special that, from that bloke with the beer.

[sh#t waffle]

Linford Christie walks into a Golf Club and asks if he can play a round of golf. The club captain says "sorry no blacks are allowed on this golf course" So he runs to the next golf course and again he asks if he can play a round of golf the

club captain says "sorry no blacks are allowed on this golf course" So he runs to the next golf course and again he asks if he can play a round of golf and the club captain says "no chance, try the parkland golf course its only ten minutes down the road. Linford looks at him and says "do you know who I am" and the club captain says "you look familiar but I cant put a name to the face" Linford says "I'm Linford Christie"! And the club captain replies "ok, ok, five minutes down the road".