Great Comedy Lines

[Kopite]

Chris Griffin from family guy, looking at an apple: I'm going to turn you into poo

 

Peter Griffin on his crippled neighbour: "I can't believe my family worship the ground that man can't walk upon."

[Guest Norman Bates]

From dr Strangelove: "Gentlemen! No fighting in the war room!"

[James H]

"One girl vomited out her own pelvis bone before she snuffed it. It's a fucking disgrace" Bernard Manning on Brass Eye.

[Stu Monty]

Peter Griffin on his crippled neighbour: "I can't believe my family worship the ground that man can't walk upon."

 

 

The xmas episode where the house catches fire and the dog goes for the extinguisher and it fires out paper snakes.

 

"What sort of man buys a comedy fire extinguisher!!"

 

"I'll tell you who, a man who cares enough about physical comedy to put his childrens lives at risk that's who"

 

 

Or:

 

"One girl cried all the water out of her body" - Phil Collins saying "I'm talking Nonce-sense" - "Cake is a made-up drug, it's made-up of.........." - "Heavy electricity crushed a whole village in Kenya" Or any other line from the whole of Brass eye.

[Anubis]

"Genetically, a paedophile has more in common with a crab than he does with human beings" - step forward Dr Fox on Brass Eye. Numpty.

[James H]

"Genetically, a paedophile has more in common with a crab than he does with human beings" - step forward Dr Fox on Brass Eye. Numpty.

 

"...There's no real evidence to support this, but it's scientific fact"

[Stu Monty]

The big long mumbled line that Mark Heap did in Green Wing when he gets caugh stealing a mars bar.

 

"ooh....erm well i was checking and yes well i thought you would be like this so we can all see that erm well interesting that you might think that yes YES YES thank you proof if needed erm i'm right erm goodbye"

 

He is a rather funny man is Mr Heap.

[Paul]

Extras, after a long, slow, soft-focus, romantic build-up:

 

"Christ love, give it some minge. I've had tighter than this on a horse."

[BENIRL]

Peter Griffin: I've been watching television so much the shows are starting to run together!

Announcer: And now, Homicide: Life on Sesame Street!

Bert: [Answering phone] Hello? Son of a bitch. I'm on my way.

[Gets out of bed and gets dressed]

Bert: Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's.

Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.

Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the DAMN BED!

Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert.

[Hermes]

Into Europe with the blues

[Tom R]

Into Europe with the blues

 

Your best yet.

I admit to a chuckle there. ;-)

 

One of my favourites:

 

"Mr marx, there's a man with a moustache at the door for you"

Groucho: "hmm, tell him I've already got one".

 

And from She Wore a Yellow Ribbon

 

John Wayne to the troops: "Now, we have a woman with us today to watch them words!!"

Some Lag: "Watch them grammar!"

[Hermes]

Buxom Lady - "I've travelled 100 miles to see the unveiling of your bust"

 

Winston Churchill - "Lady, I would gladly repay the compliment"

[Hermes]

Woman hearing knock at the door, suspecting her husband may discover her illicit rendezvous.

 

"Duck, behind the sofa"

 

Groucho Marx "There's no duck behind this sofa"

 

 

King "I'm making you my second in command, It's a gala day for you"

 

Groucho Marx "A gala day's enough for any guy"

[MLB]

Meg: Oh, damn, I missed the news!

Peter: We all miss the news honey. But Huey Lewis needs time to create.

[Hermes]

Laurel and Hardy in a Paris cafe. The waiter says "Telephone for Mr Laurel"

 

Stan gets to the phone and says "Hello.........................it sure is" and hangs up.

 

Ollie "Who was that?"

Stan " I don't know"

Ollie "Well, what did he say?"

Stan "It's a long distance from California"

[aws]

"Nobody's perfect"

 

"Give me a sasparillo....in a dirty glass"

 

"How can i put this?Aren't you a bit short in the leg department?"

[Kopite]

Lady Astor: "If you were my husband sir I'd put poison in your tea."

 

Winston Churchill: "Madam, if you were my wife I'd drink it."

[Hermes]

In Moyes we trust.

[Guest Norman Bates]

"Surely you can't be serious!"

"I'm serious. And don't call me Shirley"-

 

Leslie Nielsen in Airplane

[Dave H]

Your best yet.

I admit to a chuckle there. ;-)

 

And from She Wore a Yellow Ribbon

 

John Wayne to the troops: "Now, we have a woman with us today to watch them words!!"

Some Lag: "Watch them grammar!"

 

Such a class film....oh yes...

[Mark P]

"Surely you can't be serious!"

"I'm serious. And don't call me Shirley"-

 

Leslie Nielsen in Airplane

 

Rumack: You'd better tell the Captain we've got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.

Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?

Rumack: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.

[clare]

Eric Morecambe to Andre Previn ("mr preview")

 

"I'm playing all the right notes but not necessarily in the right order!"

[Guest Norman Bates]

Leslie Nielsen in Police Squad:

 

Frank Drebin: "But why did he kill her?"

Police man: "Sex, Frank?"

Frank Drebin: "No, not now. Maybe later"

[Remmie]

Eric Morecambe to Andre Previn ("mr preview")

 

"I'm playing all the right notes but not necessarily in the right order!"

 

 

Perfect example of how women and good comedy are not bed fellows. Morecambe and Wise? Fuck off

[clare]

Perfect example of how women and good comedy are not bed fellows. Morecambe and Wise? Fuck off

 

:whatever: prick.