Great Comedy Lines

[aws]

"Yes you did,you invaded Poland"

 

"Infamy,infamy they've all got it in for me"

 

"A pint?That's nearly an armful"

 

"This bloke walks up to me in the pub and says - you cunt..."

[bri]

German Officer

 

"Right and your name is going on the list"

 

Captain Mainwaring

 

"Don't tell him your name Pike"

[Bob]

"I had trials for Man City, but I wanted to concentrate of smoking and drinking"

 

Paul Calf

[xabi the red]

"The world is a dangerous place - only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face"

 

"Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation"

 

"My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs."

[Hermes]

I went to watch a cricket match last week. England v The Rest of The World. It was a good game but the pitch was a bit crowded.

[Tom R]

"She had lovely long hair flowing all down her back. None on her head, just on her back."

[Hermes]

"She had lovely long hair flowing all down her back. None on her head, just on her back."

 

Refer to your daytime television post :whistle:

[cochcaer]

My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star.

[cochcaer]

Reg : What's the point of fighting for his right to have babies, when he can't have babies?

Francis : It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.

Reg : It's symbolic of his struggle against reality.

[Guest Norman Bates]

It's the worst plan since Abraham Lincoln said "Oh, I'm tired of kicking around the house, let's take in a show"

[7dalglish]

It's the worst plan since Abraham Lincoln said "Oh, I'm tired of kicking around the house, let's take in a show"

 

Was that Blackadder?.....cunning plan maybe?

[Dave H]

Was that Blackadder?.....cunning plan maybe?

 

Red Dwarf?

[Remmie]

Irish guys explain to Alan Partridge about the potato famine

 

AP: Well if you're a fussy eater you pay the price

 

Also

 

Loon fan of Alan: So you'll come visit me?

Alan: There's no way you big spastic you're a mentalist

[Guest Norman Bates]

Red Dwarf?

 

From Blackadder, if I'm not mistaken. Another great Blackadder quote goes something like "The red Pimpernell is the most overrated human being since Judas Ischariot got the "diciple of the year" award in the year 30"

[Dave H]

From Blackadder, if I'm not mistaken. Another great Blackadder quote goes something like "The red Pimpernell is the most overrated human being since Judas Ischariot got the "diciple of the year" award in the year 30"

 

It just sounded so like Rimmer....

[lifetime fan]

whats a shitzu?

 

a zoo without any animals!

[James H]

From Alan Partridge: "Lynn's a lot like Burt Reynolds - very reliable but...she's got a moustache."

[Stu Monty]

"And you can tell if your child has been contacted by a peadophile through the internet as they will actually smell of hammers....paedophiles can actually sent pheramones through to you child's keyboard to make them more suggestable - *sniffs keyboard* - Well I definitely feel more suggestable!"

 

Proving Chris Morris is a genius and that celebrities will do anything to get on the tv, thank you Richard Blackwood.

[Remmie]

Classics include:

 

cake is a made up drug

 

nonse sense

 

paedophiles are 98 % genetically identical to a crab

[Nicky B]

'I wonder if she actually had an orgasm in the two years we were married - or did she fake it that night?'

[BENIRL]

Groucho Marx: Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

[Kopite]

Irish guys explain to Alan Partridge about the potato famine

 

AP: Well if you're a fussy eater you pay the price

 

Also

 

Loon fan of Alan: So you'll come visit me?

Alan: There's no way you big spastic you're a mentalist

 

Or:

 

"Let me get this straight, you could afford to emigrate to America but not a few spuds?"

[Kopite]

Homer on Artificial Insemination: You must be pretty desperate to do it with a robot.

 

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals ... except the weasel.

 

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't show up tomorrow don't bother showing up on Monday.

Homer: Woo-hoo. Four-day weekend.

 

I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over fifty and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called ... "The Bus That Couldnt Slow Down."

 

Marge: Homer, is this how you pictured married life?

Homer: Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

 

Homer: [Looking at a globe map...country being Uruguay]

Hee hee! Look at this country! 'You are gay.'

[MLB]

"It affects an area of the brain known as Shatner's Bassoon."

[Remmie]

Chris Griffin from family guy, looking at an apple: I'm going to turn you into poo