Times when you don't feel very bright at all.

[Mook]

I don't have a 'stereo'. We just have iPods and the occasional CD. It just sounds so old now

Aw, fair enough I was just wondering.

 

I love my stereo.

 

*scuttles off to put some music on*

[Hand Shandy]

What do you call your stereo?

Wireless.

Hi-fi...

[Hand Shandy]

No, he was doing the front garden and had the cable go through the window and plugged in behind the tv and stereo.

Really?

 

I'd have thought the lawn in the front room was the more logical explanation..

[Jairzinho]

My finest act of pure stupidity, in my defence, as a three year old, was when I decided that I wanted to poke two holes in a piece of paper with a pencil.

 

So I put a piece of paper over my nostrils, and proceeded to give myself a fairly horrendous nose bleed. 

 

Incidentally, Blackadder Goes Forth actually started in 1989, when I was three. I'm unsure as to whether this was my inspiration.

[Captain Turdseye]

When I was 10 I tried to jump over a tall spiked fence while I was chasing a f******l that had bounced over. As I jumped over to the other side one of the spikes went into the back of my t-shirt and scraped right up my back, leaving me bleeding and suspended on the fence with my legs dangling two feet away from the floor. Some bloke that happened to be walking by was pissing himself as he helped me down.

[Captain Turdseye]

I've just slammed my car door onto my own head. Hurts like fuck. Thankfully I didn't go full Brian Harvey and I don't think anyone saw it happen.

[General Dryness]

I've just slammed my car door onto my own head. Hurts like fuck.

You'll fucking well pay up quick smart next time you owe yourself money, won't you.

[Bobby Hundreds]

I've just slammed my car door onto my own head. Hurts like fuck. Thankfully I didn't go full Brian Harvey and I don't think anyone saw it happen.

Haha was that you.. Caught it on my phone I'll send you the YouTube link.

 

www.youtube:softtwatslamsheadincardoor:lOaDSofMADleTteRS

[chris71]

On holiday in San Francisco as an 8 year old and deciding it'd be great fun to sit on the water fountains, in a pool ,in Golden Gate park. 

Much to my cousins amusement I'd given myself a free colonic irrigation and shit my insides out whilest wearing swimming trunks and trying to run to the jacks.

[Captain Turdseye]

Haha was that you.. Caught it on my phone I'll send you the YouTube link.

 

www.youtube:softtwatslamsheadincardoor:lOaDSofMADleTteRS

That link's not working, mate.

[Champ]

Went into town today to get my phone fixed, drove into the multi-storey car park, parked up and went into my bag to get my purse and then realised I'd left it at home. I emptied my bag, went through all the pockets in the car and all I could come up with was a miserable 5p. So there I was, stuck in the car park without any means of getting the car out to go back home and get my purse. I didnt know what else to do so started to walk home, about 3 miles and then I remembered the ad where your bank can provide you with emergency cash, so I went in search of the nearest RBS. Did I tell you it was pissing down by this stage? When I eventually found the bank one of the staff took pity on me and started talking me through the app on my phone, only I'd got so wound up I couldnt remember my log details and ended up locking myself out of the app too. Finally, the poor woman sorted me out with a tenner and I walked back to the car, paid the six quid to get out and then drove home, got my purse and headed back into town. The whole palaver took me about 3 hours. What a bloody waste of a day!

[lifetime fan]

Woke up at 3:50 this morning panicking I hadn't sent one of the staff on a visa run before his had expired.

 

Checked all the messages on my phone of previous visa runs I'd booked and found his visa had ran out at the start of the month.

 

So I'm researching what's going to happen next and the only options available are flying back to the UK or paying a 1,000AED fine.

 

So I'm wide awake in bed now looking forward to telling my boss this morning how I've fucked up.

 

Then finally at 6:55 I remember I booked his last visa run online using the work iPad and not my phone, check the dates and he's fine until next Friday.

 

So it's now 7:00, the alarm is due to go off in 15 minutes and I've had 90 minutes sleep.

 

Fucking champion.

 

Prick.

[Trumo]

On the plus side, the fella's still got his visa.

 

EDIT: The same in reply to Champ's post.

[lifetime fan]

On the plus side, the fella's still got his visa.

 

EDIT: The same in reply to Champ's post.

Fuck him. He's only out for another month or so anyway.

[stringvest]

Went into town today to get my phone fixed, drove into the multi-storey car park, parked up and went into my bag to get my purse and then realised I'd left it at home. I emptied my bag, went through all the pockets in the car and all I could come up with was a miserable 5p. So there I was, stuck in the car park without any means of getting the car out to go back home and get my purse. I didnt know what else to do so started to walk home, about 3 miles and then I remembered the ad where your bank can provide you with emergency cash, so I went in search of the nearest RBS. Did I tell you it was pissing down by this stage? When I eventually found the bank one of the staff took pity on me and started talking me through the app on my phone, only I'd got so wound up I couldnt remember my log details and ended up locking myself out of the app too. Finally, the poor woman sorted me out with a tenner and I walked back to the car, paid the six quid to get out and then drove home, got my purse and headed back into town. The whole palaver took me about 3 hours. What a bloody waste of a day!

 

HRT will sort all of this out.

[Champ]

HRT will sort all of this out.

And does it deal with the irrational rage towards people who suggest such things?

 

On my (new) phone here...who repped that?

[stringvest]

And does it deal with the irrational rage towards people who suggest such things?

 

On my (new) phone here...who repped that?

 

Yep, it will sort that out as well.  The quicker you get on it the better.

[Champ]

Yep, it will sort that out as well. The quicker you get on it the better.

I was just asking for a friend, you understand

[Stouffer]

Woke up at 3:50 this morning panicking I hadn't sent one of the staff on a visa run before his had expired.

 

Checked all the messages on my phone of previous visa runs I'd booked and found his visa had ran out at the start of the month.

 

So I'm researching what's going to happen next and the only options available are flying back to the UK or paying a 1,000AED fine.

 

So I'm wide awake in bed now looking forward to telling my boss this morning how I've fucked up.

 

Then finally at 6:55 I remember I booked his last visa run online using the work iPad and not my phone, check the dates and he's fine until next Friday.

 

So it's now 7:00, the alarm is due to go off in 15 minutes and I've had 90 minutes sleep.

 

Fucking champion.

 

Prick.

Can't you still do the Oman visa run? The fine was only around £10 iirc.

[Red Banjo]

Last year when I had to get up extra early I decided I needed a decent flask of coffee for the 3 hour drive I had ahead of me. I make the coffee and set off in auto pilot. About 20 mins into the journey I decide now is the time for a wake up if I want to survive this particular drive. Wow, this Coffee tastes very bland. Open the lid of the flask and its completely clear hot water inside.

 

Turns out I added milk to the coffee jar, and merely gave myself a flask of boiling water.

 

The Mrs wasn't overly impressed when she got up to have her morning brew and I had to take out a mortgage to buy a large coffee from the motorway services a few miles down the road.

 

Still not sure whether to blame stupidity or tiredness for this one tho.

[Dr Nowt]

Parked up in Staples carpark the other day...and that's not even the stupid bit.

 

A young lady was waddling away from my driver's side wearing an incredibly unflattering pair of thin, tight trousers, especially given she had an arse the size of a policeman's horse.

 

As that thought passed through my brain, it tenuously triggered off a favourite line of mine from The Shawshank Redemption, so content she was a safe distance away and chuckling I said aloud to myself "...and it's fat-ass, by a nose."

 

It was a hot day so I had my car windows open, as did her husband who was sat in the car parked to my passenger side, which I only clocked at the point I thought, "Why's that fella giving me the death stare?"

 

We had a right laugh about it while he inserted a 3-in-1 fax/scanner/photocopier into my rectum.

[Mook]

Parked up in Staples carpark the other day...and that's not even the stupid bit.

 

A young lady was waddling away from my driver's side wearing an incredibly unflattering pair of thin, tight trousers, especially given she had an arse the size of a policeman's horse.

 

As that thought passed through my brain, it tenuously triggered off a favourite line of mine from The Shawshank Redemption, so content she was a safe distance away and chuckling I said aloud to myself "...and it's fat-ass, by a nose."

 

It was a hot day so I had my car windows open, as did her husband who was sat in the car parked to my passenger side, which I only clocked at the point I thought, "Why's that fella giving me the death stare?"

 

We had a right laugh about it while he inserted a 3-in-1 fax/scanner/photocopier into my rectum.

 

That reminds me of a time my band were being supported by a band with a one armed drummer, I turned round to my guitarist at the soundcheck & remarked, "If he's better than me, I'll chop his other arm off.".

 

His entire band were standing right next to us.

 

That was a long night.

[Dr Nowt]

That reminds me of a time my band were being supported by a band with a one armed drummer, I turned round to my guitarist at the soundcheck & remarked, "If he's better than me, I'll chop his other arm off.".

 

His entire band were standing right next to us.

 

That was a long night.

Not surprised man, them Def Leppard boys can be brutal.

[Dr Nowt]

I bet there was hysteria.

[Mook]

I bet there was hysteria.

 

When love & hate collide, mate.