Best football jokes only......

[WhiskeyJar]

Post your favourite football jokes....going out with some man u mates and need some new material.

[Dante]

Everton

[Jim MM]

Easy. Just take all their club legends and make really bad puns on their names that insinuate that they're mincing queens.

They will fucking hate you. It will ruin everyone's night and wipe the smug grins off their inbred faces.

 

e.g.

 

What do you call a big fat poof of a footballer?...

 

... Boy George Best!

 

 

What do you call a footballer looking for gay toilet sex?...

 

George Schmeicels!

 

 

What do you call a gay football rapist?...

 

Ole Gonna Shag Yer!

 

 

What do you call a gay football rapist?...

 

Edwin Bang Der Arse!

 

etc

[MacDeGoal]

Not so much a joke, but funny as hell! (Sorry if posted before somewhere else).

 

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[Jonny83]

Bit of an antique but haven't seen it on the thread:

 

Bill Kenwright asked David Moyes "How far are we from being a European Cup-winning team?"

 

"About half a mile."

[Tossed and blown]

It is a little known fact that Hollywood actor Rock Hudson was actually a very talented goalkeeper in his youth who aspired to play in front of the stretford end.

 

He dreamed of having ten arseholes in front and thousands of pricks behind him.

[Glass Kop]

A father and son were eating breakfast. The fathers newspaper had the headline "Van Gogh sold for £8 million".

The son asked "is he worth it, Dad?", to which the father, surprised at his son's interest in fine art, replied "I suppose so, son. Why do you ask?"

The son said "Well, Liverpool paid more than that for Stan Collymore, and he was crap"

 

 

Not one of mine, but it gets me all happy inside.

[fowler9]

New Offer: £3 for a sub and a drink

 

Chelsea are said to be mortified that they paid £50million for one with no drink

[Brigant Moloch]

QPR are 500/1 to win the Premier League next year.

 

Which means if you put just £20 on them at the start of the season, you will lose £20. * *

[Jonny83]

What do Old Trafford and a veteran gynaecologist have in common?

 

They've both seen thousands of cunts in their time.

[xerxes]

Michael Owen goes into a bar and pinches a girls bum as he walks by. She turns around and scolds him: "You're a little forward, aren't you?"

[JohnnyH]

I was given a Carlos Tevez DVD last week. It wouldn't play.

[satansmutt]

How do you give a Man U fan a headache while he's having a drink of water?

 

Smash the toilet seat down on his head

[Liverpool lad]

Here is one, a grown man writing poems about Benitez;

 

If you were a squirrel you’d be highest in the tree

If you were an insect you’d be the busiest little bee

If you were a frog, you’d croak loudest of them all

And if you were a giraffe you’d be tallest of the tall

 

And if you were an owl you’d be wise as wise can be

And if you were a dolphin you’d be the fastest in the sea

That is why we’re proud to have you as the leader of our team

As we stand upon the Kop, hoping to live our dream

 

You direct our heroes here and there, pushing them for more

It’s only a matter of time before we bring home trophies galore

So thank the lord you’re not a squirrel, dolphin giraffe, frog or bee

I just want you to know you mean all the world to me

[deangary]

BREAKING NEWS: Patrice Evra has admitted that the 'N' word Suarez used ten times was "Nutmeg"

[The Special One]

Here is one, a grown man writing poems about Benitez;

 

If you were a squirrel you’d be highest in the tree

If you were an insect you’d be the busiest little bee

If you were a frog, you’d croak loudest of them all

And if you were a giraffe you’d be tallest of the tall

 

And if you were an owl you’d be wise as wise can be

And if you were a dolphin you’d be the fastest in the sea

That is why we’re proud to have you as the leader of our team

As we stand upon the Kop, hoping to live our dream

 

You direct our heroes here and there, pushing them for more

It’s only a matter of time before we bring home trophies galore

So thank the lord you’re not a squirrel, dolphin giraffe, frog or bee

I just want you to know you mean all the world to me

 

Still brings a tear to the eye.

[Tj hooker]

During sex last nite i asked the wife if we cud do something Dirty she said ok take me up the shithole I told her to Fuck off i was'nt driving to old trafford at that time of nite

[Iceman]

Craig Bellamy is driving through Wales on his way to an International match.

 

He takes a wrong turn and ends up driving through Cwm Penmachno.

 

It's been ages since he had eaten anything and he is still hungover from last night so when he drives past a farm and sees a sign saying fresh fruit and sweet cakes for sale he stops his car, gets out and asks the old farmer what he has for sale.

 

"I got special cakes so they're not cheap", says the farmer

 

"What kind you got?", says Bellars

 

"They're currant and fish".

 

"Currant and fish!, that's unusual" says Craig "I'll have one of them"

 

"20 pounds", says the farmer

 

Craig gives him the money and bites into the cake, but is disappointed to find he can only taste currants. "I can't taste any fish!" he says," Turn it round boyo" says the farmer. Craig turns the cake round and bites into it and to his delight he can taste a fresh juicy fish, "mmmmmmmmmmmm!" he says and quickly devours the delicious cake.

 

"Have you got any others?" he asks the Farmer.

 

"I got another type, it's jam and leak" says the farmer and it's 30 quid for this one".

 

Craig pulls out more money, hands the farmer brand new cash machine fresh notes, and bites into the cake.

 

" I can't taste the leak, only the jam!" says Craig disappointed.

 

"Turn it round!" says the farmer, and Bellars turns the cake round and bites into it and smiles contentedly as he tastes the wonderful savoury Leak mixed with the sweet natural Jam, "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, that's delicious" he says."Have you got any others?"

 

" I got one more. It's a very special cake but it's very expensive, I don't know if you could afford it" says the Farmer. "Bwaahahaa , I can afford it!!" says Craig, "Look at these crocodile skin shoes I got and take a look at my Lamborghini car, of course I can afford it !!, what type of cake is it??"

 

"Ok" says the farmer," it's 500 quid for this one, and it's pussy cake"

 

"Give it here I'll eat it right now" said Craig as he quickly pressed the cash into the old farmer's hand, excited at the thought of the wonderful cake and how it would taste.

 

The farmer gave him the cake and he bit into it but he quickly pulled his face in disgust and spat out the mouthfull of the cake "Euuuugghhhh that's disgusting, it tastes like SHIT !!" says Craig.

 

"Turn it round boyo!, turn it round!"

[The Special One]

Sooo... just a regular joke with a footballer's name thrown in then..

[Carradona]

The ONLY person who can tell a funny joke about football is Christian.

[Iceman]

Sooo... just a regular joke with a footballer's name thrown in then..

 

Oh i'm so sorry. I'll make it better next time , I promise.

[The Midnight Rambler]

Last week Evra accused Suarez of racism, this week the whole united team have accused Man City of rape

[Lurtz]

None of these are funny.

[goatboy59]

What's the difference between the Joy of Sex and the Joy of Six?

 

74,999 cunts.

[satansmutt]

Well it's halloween next week so I went to a fancy dress shop to hire a Dracula costume, unfortunately they had sold out and the shop assistant offered me a Man U kit instead.

I said "sorry love I think you misheard me when I said I wanted to look like a count!"