Joke!

[Alan Sex]

[Lee909]

[Clem H Fandango]

I've just bought a house with period features. My wife really hates that nickname!

[Alan Sex]

I was considering retiring from being a flasher, but I reckon I can stick it out for at least another year.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I rang the RSPCA hotline to tell them I'd just found six badgers in a suitcase by the road.

 

"Are they moving?" Asked the operator.

 

"I'm not certain," I replied, "but that would explain the suitcase..."

I rang a suppository helpline.

 

They were very rude.

[Sputnik1]

I rang a suppository helpline.

 

They were very rude.

 

 

Did you get put through to some right arsehole that gave you shit?

[A Red]

I rang a suppository helpline.

 

They were very rude.

Just out of interest, what did they say to you?

[Sputnik1]

My wife left me because I'm too insecure. 

[Sputnik1]

No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea. 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

https://www.facebook.com/Sahara78/videos/10206901889611626/

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to get a shower, comb my hair and brush my teeth.

I think they might be trying to groom me

[magicrat]

A Pedophile, Rapist and a Misogynist walk into a Washington bar,

Barman says " what can I get you Mr President"

[Sputnik1]

I bet Rick Astley struggles with lent. 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I've just met someone else who doesn't know what a globe is.........

It's a small world.

[magicrat]

I've just met someone else who doesn't know what a globe is.........

It's a small world.

 

Which stand up open mike night were you at mate ?

[Priory Doctor]

I keep getting bombarded with emails from Vision Express, Specsavers and Laser Eye Surgery Clinics.

I think I have 20-20 phishing.

[Alan Sex]

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said, “Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.”

So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said, “Nope, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, “Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, “No, it ain’t Paddy.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”

Sean said, “Well, Paddy had two arseholes.”

“What? He had two arseholes?” said the mortician.

“Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, ‘Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes’.”

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I was in town with my mate the other day.  We were just idly looking at some suits in a shop window and I said "There's the one I'd get."

 

Then this cyclops came and twatted me.

[halewood pete]

Man goes to the doctors and says he's hard of hearing.

'Can you describe the symptoms'the doctor asks.

'Yes'the man replies,Homer is a fat get and Marge has blue hair'

[A Red]

I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT 51, 6 AND 500 ARE IN ROMAN NUMERALS.

 

I'M LIVID.

Its funny that, someone asked me today what 4000 is in roman numerals I just scratched my head and said "Mmmm........."

[AngryOfTuebrook]

My mate said to me "What rhymes with orange"

 

I said "No it doesn't"

[magicrat]

I asked a guy from North Korea what it was like there.

He said he couldn't complain

[bigbak]

My mate said to me "What rhymes with orange"

 

I said "No it doesn't"

 

Tried it on my fiancee.  Wish I hadn't

[Paulie Dangerously]

Jeremy Beadle had a tiny cock.

 

On the other hand it was massive. 

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Here are 50 ropey ones.

 

http://www.thepoke.co.uk/2017/03/29/50-short-clean-jokes-that-gets-a-laugh-every-time/