Joke!

[halewood pete]

What goes 'clip,clop, clip, clop,clip,clop, BANG BANG! Clip,clop clip,clop,clip,clop.

 

AN Amish drive by shooting

[Reds4Life]

The Queen is visiting a military hospital to award some medals to injured soldiers.

 

A Major-General is walking with the Queen introducing each soldier as they get to their respective beds.

 

They get to the first bed and the Major-General barks out "Name."

 

The soldier responds "Smith sir."

 

The Major-General barks out "Injury soldier."

 

"Haemorrhoids sir."

 

"Treatment soldier" asks the Major-General

 

"Wire brush and dettol sir."

 

"And what soldier is your main aim?"

 

"To rid myself of this horrible affliction and to get back onto the front line to fight for Queen and country sir" replies the soldier.

 

The Queen says "Splendid" as she pins a medal to his pyjamas.

 

They get to the second bed and the Major-General barks out "Name."

 

The soldier responds "Jones sir."

 

The Major-General barks out "Injury soldier."

 

"Piles sir."

 

"Treatment soldier" asks the Major-General

 

"Wire brush and dettol sir."

 

"And what soldier is your main aim?"

 

"To rid myself of this horrible affliction and to get back onto the front line to fight for Queen and country sir" replies the soldier.

 

The Queen says "Splendid" as she pins a medal to his pyjamas.

 

They get to the third bed and the Major-General barks out "Name."

 

The soldier responds "Giles sir."

 

The Major-General barks out "Injury soldier."

 

"Mouth ulcers sir."

 

"Treatment soldier" asks the Major-General

 

"Wire brush and dettol sir."

 

"And what soldier is your main aim?"

 

"To get the wire brush and dettol before those two filthy bastards sir!"

[Guest davelfc]

What has no teeth and smells?

 

The gearbox on the wife's car. 

[bouncebrigade]

A woman walks into the vet and says:

 

"I have a problem, sir. Whenever I bend over, my dog mounts me from behind."

 

"Oh I see", says the vet, "I assume you'll be needing him castrated then?"

 

"Oh god no" replies the woman, "would you ever cut his nails?"

[AL66GOLF]

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised it was caught"

Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you’re drunk

 

Husband says "that’s not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"


The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . .. . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut the f*ck up and go to sleep!"

 

 

A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
"No," he replies, "newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this f*ckin place!


A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says i cant find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?
Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with tits like yours she appears out of f**king nowhere!


My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles and my c*ck out, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!!

[Bob]

Knock knock

 

Who's there

 

The captain, you fucking nut, unlock the fucking door

[halewood pete]

my penis was once in the guinness book of records........     until the library threw me out.                                                                                                                                                    

[bouncebrigade]

my penis was once in the guinness book of records........     until the library threw me out.                                                                                                                                                    

 

Made me laugh, Pete.

[MOGLET]

A mate of mine died of heartburn today

 

I cant believe Gav is gone

[AngryOfTuebrook]

A mate of mine has been rushed into the emergency premature ejaculation clinic.  The doctors say it's still touch and go.

[Alan Sex]

A mate of mine has been rushed into the emergency premature ejaculation clinic. The doctors say it's still touch and go.

When same mate called the Doc to ask about the problem the doctor replied "That sounds serious. How quickly can you come?"

[AL66GOLF]

A mate of mine arrived at a fancy dress party dressed as a premature ejaculation - He came in his boxers

[Guest Pistonbroke]

When same mate called the Doc to ask about the problem the doctor replied "That sounds serious. How quickly can you come?"

"This is the premature ejaculation clinic, could you hold on the line for a few seconds?" 

[Guest Pistonbroke]

Have you had to walk 500 miles?

 

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

 

You could be entitled to compensation. 

 

Call the Pro Claimers now! 

[lifetime fan]

A mother takes her young son to the docs worried about his extremely small penis.

 

Doc tells her to just feed him loads of pancakes and she'll see a difference in 24 hours.

 

Boy comes down to breakfast the next morning to see the biggest mountain of pancakes imaginable on the table.

 

Boy: Are all these just for me?

 

Mum: No! You can have 2, the rest are for your dad.

[Trumo]

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to a gun shop and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife. That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shat on my face, bit three inches off my cock, and my neighbour came out of the wardrobe with his hands in the air."

[Trumo]

A group of girlfriends are on holiday when they see a 5-floor hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The concierge explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." The women start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

[Trumo]

A man staggers into the A&E with a concussion, multiple bruises, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed that one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Thats when I made my mistake." "What did you do?", asked the doctor. "Well, I lifted the tail, pointed, and yelled to my wife, "Hey! This looks like yours!"

[littletedwest]

Only this morning I went to see my new doctor, who was a drop dead gorgeous blonde chick! She said, "I know I may seem young, but I'm professional and I've seen it all. Now, what seems to be the problem?" I looked her straight in the eye and replied, "My cock tastes funny."

[Guest LFD]

Only this morning I went to see my new doctor, who was a drop dead gorgeous blonde chick! She said, "I know I may seem young, but I'm professional and I've seen it all. Now, what seems to be the problem?" I looked her straight in the eye and replied, "My cock tastes funny."

 

Made me laugh.

[halewood pete]

I have always been grateful that my dad died peacefully in his sleep....                                                                                                                                                  

That's more than could be said for some of the passengers on his bus

[halewood pete]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for aminute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."

[Guest davelfc]

My wife came home with a load of decorating gear.

"Not tonight dear, " I said, "I've got a headache. "

[VladimirIlyich]

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Te-quila.

 

A little bit of casual racism.

[littletedwest]

Woman answers phone and pervert breathes, "have you got a tight hairy twat?". Woman says, "yes, he's on the settee, do you want him?