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Best football jokes only......

WhiskeyJar

By WhiskeyJar,
in FF - Football Forum

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Hermes Grand Master

Hermes

Posted
Posted

A scouser visits a Red Indian camp during a visit to the USA. He's told of an old Chief who can remember everything that has ever happened during his life time. Intrigued, he enters the chiefs tent and says:

 

"Who won the FA Cup in 1965?"

 

The chief raises his head and says "Liverpool".

 

The scouser says "Who scored the winning goal?".

 

The chief looks up again and says "Ian St John".

 

10 years later the scouser visits the USA again and returns to the camp. He walks into the tent, where the chief is hunched over his peace pipe. The Chief wearily raises his head and stares at the scouser.

 

The scouser raises his hand anticipating the traditional Indian greeting and says "How".

 

The chief replies "Diving header".

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jonnybastard Collaborator

jonnybastard

Posted
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A man gets pulled by the police for driving erratically. The copper suspects the guy's been drinking so asks him to blow into the breathalyser. The man refuses and hands the policeman a medical note- "Chronic asthmatic, please do not breathalise" it reads. "No problem" says the officer "we can do a blood test". The man produces another note "haemophiliac, please do not take blood" reads this one. "OK" says the copper "any reason we can't do a urine test? The man produces a third note- "Evertonian- please don't take the piss" it reads.

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corro Community Regular

corro

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Bit old but anyway. Gazza and Chris waddle are up in the north east for some promotion and afterwards decide to go to st James for old times sake.

When they get to the ground they notice a gang of kids playing footie, so go over for a knockabout. 'Giz a kick'says Gazza. 'Fuck off yer shit bag' shouts one of the kids, 'you and that cunt with the mullet waddle couldn't wait to fuck off first chance you got, so fuck off back down south yer pair of cunts'.Well Gazza and Chris were well shocked and as they got back in the car Gazza flips. 'The cheeky little twats', 'I'm not having that.

Slow down a minute Chris mate' and as they pull away Gazza drops his kecks and sticks his arse out of the window. The gang of kids spot this and one of them shouts 'and you can fuck off as well Beardsley you ugly cunt'

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Trumo Grand Master

Trumo

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Certainly doesn't qualify as a 'best' joke. It's a bit shit, truth be told, and I'm trying to recall it from when I saw/read it ages ago. Anyway, here goes.

 

---

Scene: Goodison Park circa the early 80s (a few years before they won the league).

 

Everton had just signed Diego Maradona, and Howard Kendall got the whole squad together for a team talk. All the players introduced themselves to Diego with handshakes and the usual "Alright la" stuff. Kendall sat them all down, took out a whiteboard and marker pen, drew a circle on it and wrote 'B-A-double-L' underneath it. Maradona speaks up, "Ah, but Señor Kendall, I know what a ball is!" Kendall turns round and says, "It's not for you Diego, it's for these useless fuckers over here!"

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Hermes Grand Master

Hermes

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True story this one.

 

Frank Worthington nutmegged Tommy Smith. As he ran around him Smithy chopped him down. The ref runs over to them blowing his whistle.

 

Ref: "Foul, free kick".

TS: "Do that again and I'll break your fucking back"

FW: "Hey ref, did you hear what he just said?"

Ref: "Yeah, I did. But I thought he was talking to you".

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Ronnie Proficient

Ronnie

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The FA have decided to award victory in the FA cup 4th round match to Manchester United this evening having accepted captain Patrice Evra's claim that his team scored 10 times.

 

Despite 9 of the goals not having been witnessed by the TV, players, crowd or referee, the FA found Evra to be a convincing witness. Conversely Liverpool FC goalkeeper Pepe Reina's testimony was found to be totally unreliable. He admitted conceding one goal but could provide no evidence that the other 9 had not been scored. On the grounds of probability, the FA have concluded that the goals will stand and so United will progress to the 5th round.

 

Liverpool have 7 days to appeal.

 

Quality! :drool:

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