Joke!

[taliesin08]

My mate has just found out that he is gay and dyslexic.

 

He's still in Daniel.

[halewood pete]

sent the wife for one of those fish pedicures,and i have got to say i was well impressed with the results,

Those piranhas don't fuck about !

[AL66GOLF]

The missus asked me "When you are away on a boys trip Do you think about me?"

Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quick" wasn't the right answer

[Ezekiel 25:17]

What has two wings and a halo? A Chinese telephone.

[AL66GOLF]

Got this text from my brother recently.

It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?

The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.

It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”

 

 

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.

The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!”

[Da Bitch]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

 

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

 

'Reading a book,' she replies, ( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ')

 

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

 

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

 

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

 

'For reading a book,' she replies ,

 

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again,

 

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading'

 

'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

 

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman.

 

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden.

 

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

 

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

 

 

MORAL : Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

[taliesin08]

The missus and me were shagging away for about an hour solid last night when she said "whats up! can't you think of anyone either?"

[brucespanner]

Paddy and Mick talking in the pub, Mick says 'you are a cunt, you've always been a cunt and you always will be a cunt, everything about you makes you a cunt, an utter cunt and complete cunt. In fact if you entered a cunt competition you'd come 2nd'

Paddy says 'why wouldn't I come first?'

Mick replies '...because you're a cunt...'

[Ezekiel 25:17]

So it's 11/11/11. Not the first time Man United fans have seen 6-1's this year.

[taliesin08]

In order to make Wigan more culturally diverse they've opened up an Urdu centre. Trouble is the locals keep going in asking for a short back and sides.

[halewood pete]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night,locals were shouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and i am 50.

 

It completely spoilt our tenth anniversary.

[halewood pete]

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries !

 

 

Some bastards just pinched a pair of my wifes knickers off the washing line. She's not bothereed about the knickers but she wants the twelce pegs back

[halewood pete]

The wife suggested I get one of those dick enlargers so i did... Shes 21 and her name is Lucy.

[Paulie Dangerously]

For years i thought my wife had tourettes, but it turns out she really does think i'm a cunt!

[halewood pete]

I went to see a psychic last weekend and was told that i would be coming into money.

Last night a shagged a girl called Penny....

Fucking spooky or what !!

[Paulie Dangerously]

Went to a party on the weekend for sufferers of double-leg amputations. It's a shame I am spoken for because the place was crawling with fanny

[Da Bitch]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the

Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not

paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an

inspector to interview them.

 

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he

has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board

and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work,

earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special

treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

 

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the

half-wit."

 

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

What is a Financial Bail-Out ?

To a simple mind, this is it.

 

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down harshly, and all the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on

credit.

 

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 Euro note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

 

The owner gives him some room-keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 Euro note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

 

The butcher takes the 100 Euro note and rushes down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the 100 Euro note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of animal feed and fuel.

 

The man at the Farmers' Co-op takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the friendly neighbourhood pub. The pub owner slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar - who, in spite of facing hard times, has always gladly offered him her 'services' on credit.

 

The hooker then rushes over to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with

the 100 Euro note.

 

The hotel proprietor quietly replaces the100 Euro note back on the counter, so that the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

 

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, states that none of the rooms

are satisfactory, picks up the 100 Euro note, pockets it and leaves town.

 

No one has produced anything. No one has earned anything. However, the whole town

is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.

 

And that, dear ladies and gentlemen, is how a basic financial bailout package works!

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Five Horses Is Her Name

This is mythical and deep.

Truly beautiful...

 

 

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

 

 

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

 

 

The Old Indian answered,

"It old Indian Name. It mean...

 

 

 

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

[taliesin08]

I was rummaging through the attic the other day, when I came across my old porno collection from the 90's.

 

I thought to myself, some of them must be teenagers by now.

[md1892]

What bounces and makes kids cry?

 

My donation cheque to Children in Need.

[Xherdan]

What bounces and makes kids cry?

 

My donation cheque to Children in Need.

 

 

 

Brilliant.

[halewood pete]

My girlfriends funeral today and I met her parents for the first time ....

What a pair of miserable bastards.

[md1892]

I saw some porn made during the second World War. The stars were a British soldier and a German woman.

 

The soldier slowly unbuttons the woman's blouse, kissing her neck as he does so. He then unclips her bra to reveal her round, pert breasts. He licks and then sucks gently on her erect nipples.

 

Next, he removes her skirt. She is wearing black stockings and suspenders, with lacy knickers. He nudges her underwear to one side so that he can spread her moist lips, teasing her with his fingers.

 

He then pulls her knickers off completely, and pushes her onto the bed. The Brit looks over the German, in complete control.

 

He kneels down and begins to lap at her pussy, slowly at first, then building up speed. He flicks her clit relentlessly. She starts to moan, clasping the headboard tightly in readiness for the climax. The end is near, and they both know it.

 

She wriggles on the bed, helpless at what is about to happen.

 

At that point, an American soldier kicks down the door, pushes the Brit to one side, and spunks in the German's face.

[Duncan Clench]

What do we want?

A cure for tourettes.

When do we want it?

CUNT.

[taliesin08]

My girlfriend came home early today and found me in bed with Fatima Whitbread.

 

I said "it's not what you think love"

 

She said "what the fuck is it then?"

 

I said "its a woman!"

[halewood pete]

Here's to nipples,

without them tits would be pointless.