Annoying colleagues

[Lurtz]

The bloke opposite me at work is a top guy, Tony. Real nice bloke. The problem is, though, he brings breakfast cereal to work and eats it at his desk. Only he doesn't so much eat it as slurp it. He dribbles milk off his chin while he eats it and he slurps and guzzles every spoonful of cereal. It makes me feel ill and he's a fucking disgrace to the very concept of table manners.

 

Whilst I stand by my first comment, that he's a nice bloke, the daily cereal episodes make me want to stab him in both eyes with a pen and stamp on his head until he stops moving.

 

Does anyone else have a similar juxtaposing relationship with their work colleagues?

[Remmie]

[Lurtz]

What have otters got to do with anything?

[Remmie]

What have otters got to do with anything?

Annoyed? Check mate.

[Lurtz]

You're not a colleague and I'm not annoyed. Stalemate.

[Thants]

I have a Sue Pollard/ Bob Phleming hybrid sitting opposite me. I fucking hate her for it but that's my problem. She also has a face like a slapped walrus.

[Jorge Borge]

I worked in one office where we could listen to walkmans and I used to sit next to someone who talked to the radio almost continually. She would join in with the debates and correct the DJ if she disagreed with something. After the hundredth time of taking out my headphones and asking her, "Sorry Sue, did you say something?" only for her to ignore me and carry on jabbering away, I learnt to filter it out.

[Lurtz]

I worked in one office where we could listen to walkmans and I used to sit next to someone who talked to the radio almost continually. She would join in with the debates and correct the DJ if she disagreed with something. After the hundredth time of taking out my headphones and asking her, "Sorry Sue, did you say something?" only for her to ignore me and carry on jabbering away, I learnt to filter it out.

 

That's a punchable offence in my book.

[Remmie]

You're not a colleague and I'm not annoyed. Stalemate.

I piss off my colleagues by sending them pictures of otters with no explanation

[zigackly]

Cunt opposite me used to be a Reading season ticket holder until he decided a few years ago he was a Manc instead, and can't resist having a jibe at Liverpool every chance he gets. Is seemingly impervious to what a spastic this makes him. If we lose tonight I am going to punch him in the cock tomorrow morning.

[AL66GOLF]

Lady at work who chews with her mouth open. The fucking noise she makes.

Another bloke puts Pepper on his banana sandwiches!

[Strontium]

I can't abide those people who waffle on endlessly about their progeny. Yes, you have kids, big fucking deal.

[Spy Bee]

I piss off my colleagues by sending them pictures of otters with no explanation

 

Haaha - that's ace.

[Aaron Miller]

I piss off my colleagues by sending them pictures of otters with no explanation

 

that's a burty move!

[Nick Leeson]

There's a big girl who I used to sit opposite who ate 5 meals between 9 and 5, Totally grossed me out. Was forever "fixing herself" which revealed mucho belly and totally knocked me sick.

 

On top of everything she always wins the raffles or sweeps or anything. The prizes are usually booze or food related. Karma is a masochistic son of a bitch.

 

There was some really repulsive I.T. technician who runs like a bit of a flid. Limp wrists held bent, close to his chest like a dinosaur, with legs bent and turned in like a pissed-up paralympian.

 

I took things too far once though and got taken to HR because I was making T-rex noises as he ran past our window during a 'server emergency'. I left a glass of water on the window and stared at it closely when he ran past the window, then calmly said "T-rex doesn't want to be fed, he wants to hunt!". Then started screeching like one of a raptor from Jurassic Park.

 

Some people found it quite funny but someone else didn't and 5 minutes later I was explaining myself to HR.

[Aaron Miller]

all the annoying people in my office get nicknames. so far, there's:

 

1. shit shoes - a dude who has more shoes than imelda marcos and they're all shit.

2. cock locke - a dude who plays cod4 with me at lunch who acts like it is the most important thing ever. his last name is locke.

3. fagger vance - a dude who talks endlessly about golf when he knows i don't give two shits about it.

4. gimmley - a dude who looks like the dwarf from lotr

5. cosby time - a dude who wears sweaters so shit, they would make bill cosby blush.

6. t-rex - a dude who has a malformed gimp hand that resembles a t-rex hand. an old workmate had the same physical attribute and same nickname, but she kind of ruled.

[RJ Fan club]

We have the most inane twat of a woman who works in our office. Tells us the same four or five stories on repeat (Nurburgring, house purchase, time in the army, birth of her grand daughter etc). We get at least one of them per day.

 

She looks like a fat Sideshow Bob, the hair and dopey walk, big feet everything, so obviously gets called Bob. She eats constantly when shes not talking at the top of her voice. Eats about four meals a day in work (between 8am and 4.30pm), then probably goes home and pigs out. On the recent xmas lunch, we clocked her eating:

 

• Four Pancakes
  
• Bowl of shreddies
  
• loads of cadbury's roses
  
• lunch - Bowl of soup with four bread rolls
  
• Full turkey xmas dinner all the trimmings including about 9 roast spuds
  
• Xmas pudding
  
• Two bags of crisps round about 4pm
  
• bowl of cheesy chips about 7.30pm
  

 

Then she told me the next morning she went for a Chinese on the way home and had a chow mien and curry sauce about 11ish.

 

Fat ginger fuck, I have no idea how she finds time to talk when stuffing that in her gob, but she is consistently the noisiest loudmouthed bitch in work.

 

Fucker put a complaint in about me when I told her shut up, arrgggghhhh fat sideshow Bob Twat.

[zigackly]

Cunt opposite me used to be a Reading season ticket holder until he decided a few years ago he was a Manc instead, and can't resist having a jibe at Liverpool every chance he gets. Is seemingly impervious to what a spastic this makes him. If we lose tonight I am going to punch him in the cock tomorrow morning.

 

Ha ha! I'm gonna plant a big wet kiss smack on his forehead now.

[Lurtz]

Ha ha! I'm gonna plant a big wet kiss smack on his forehead now.

 

Knock him on his knees and cockslap him. Quality!

[Section_31]

One lad I used to work with was partially deaf, he could hear you but for some reason mumbled like this and after a while i couldn't be arsed trying to figure out what he was saying.

 

He was also the slowest eater in the world, I used to sit across the table from him and watch him as he read his paper, he'd take a crisp out of his packet, go to nibble a bit of it, then something in the paper would peak his interest and he'd put the crisp back in the bag while he read it.

 

like he couldn't fucking do both at the same time! I used to get Joe Pesci style urges to grab the packet and stuff it down his throat until he threw up.

 

Also, there was some bird I worked with once and all she fucking talked about was food. "What are we all having for our dinner? Shall we be naughty and get some chips?!?"

"What are we having for our breakfast, shall we treat ourselves next payday and have something naughty?"

 

I once had some chocolate birthday cake in the canteen, which she'd decided she wouldn't eat because she was on a diet (even though she'd had a bacon barm that morning) and she said to me: "Oooh what did it taste like?"

 

FUCKING CHOCOLATE YOU MOTHER-FUCKING-GANNET!!!

[Mark P]

Cunt opposite me used to be a Reading season ticket holder until he decided a few years ago he was a Manc instead, and can't resist having a jibe at Liverpool every chance he gets. Is seemingly impervious to what a spastic this makes him. If we lose tonight I am going to punch him in the cock tomorrow morning.

 

How the fuck do you let him get away with that?!?!?!?!?

[zigackly]

How the fuck do you let him get away with that?!?!?!?!?

 

Shit just rolls off the smug twat. Hes's having it tomoz though.

[RoboRiise]

I'll post on this thread at the weekend, if I remember. My office is like some Kafkaesque vision of Billy Smart's Circus, so full of human flotsam as to almost defy belief.

[Christian]

Fox Aid

Tramp

Big Tits, Fat Face

John Lydon

Manga Girl

Smallville Girl

Nighty Night man

etc

[Remmie]

that's a burty move!

No doubt. Everyone should try it.