Need a good clean joke please

[Remmie]

Hermes need not apply. Cheers ears

[Fink]

What type of bees produce milk?

 

 

Boo Bees

[Juniper]

What type of bees produce milk?

 

 

Boo Bees

 

Hey I was going to say that!

 

 

 

Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?

 

So they can hide in cherry trees.

 

What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

 

A Monkey eating cherries.

 

 

 

 

What's brown and sticky?

 

A stick.

[captainharris]

How many blondes does it take to make choc chip cookies?

 

 

Five - One to make the mixture, and four to peel the smarties.

 

Badum tish!

[gazelle]

man n woman in bed after a night of pure passion..

 

Lady - i have something to tell you i used to be a hooker..

Man - thats ok its in the past, actually i find it quite erotic, tell me more?

Lady - erm - ok, my name was nigel and played for wigan..

 

BOOM BOOM!

[Paco]

How do you kill a circus?

 

 

 

go for the juggler

[Paco]

man and woman in bed making love

woman says to the man "you're organ is very small"

man says "there's nothing wrong with the size of my organ, it's just never played in a cathedral this size!"

[Remmie]

How many blondes does it take to make choc chip cookies?

 

 

Five - One to make the mixture, and four to peel the smarties.

 

Badum tish!

My fave so far but blonde jokes are out. Gazelle, thats too risqué I'm afraid

[Paco]

how do you teach a blonde maths?

 

add a bed, subtract her clothes, enter your square root and hope she doesn't multiply.

[Duff Man]

What did they call Postman Pat after he retired?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pat

[coop]

Read my sig.

[CharleyKnight]

How do you get a gay to shag a woman?

 

 

Shit in her fanny.

[Remmie]

It's a toss up between my nursery favourite and one Tom posted a couple of weeks ago:

 

nursery favourite:

 

Knock, knock

 

Who's there?

 

Doctor

 

Doctor who?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Doctor pepper

 

Or what do you call a black man who flies a plane?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The pilot you racist!

[coop]

What yer call a scouser in a suit ????????

 

The accused

 

:whistle:

[Sut]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other, "Does that taste funny to you?"

 

Two snowmen standing in a field.

One says to the other, "Can you smell carrots?"

 

Two goldfish in a tank.

One asks his mate, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Juniper]

Two cows in a field, one says to the other

 

"you heard about this mad cow disease?"

 

"don’t ask me mate, I'm a tractor" replies the other

[bri]

This pianist is walking past a bar when he see’s a sign in the window saying pianist needed Urgent Start. He decides to pop in and see if he can see the manager. He goes up to the waitress and goes “Is the fukin manager in” “Pardon she replies” “Is the bastard manager in I’ve come about the fuckin job in the cuntin window, sorry about the language it fuckin terretts you see”

 

The manager comes out and asks him to sit down to see what he can play. This fella knocks out a fantastic number & the manager is bowled over. The Manager asks what the titles called to which the fella replies “I like to fuck women up the shitter” a bit perturbed the manger asks for another number, again he delivers another cracker. Worried a bit the manager asks the title, the fella replies. “Fuck of and die you cuntin fuckhead”

 

In need of a desperate pianist the manager and fella agree he can play tonight BUT NOT SPEAK, just play.

 

The fella arrives early, sets up and starts with a few numbers to warm up the growing diners. On one of the front tables is this stunning blonde which the fella can’t keep his eyes off. It’s clear she’s giving him the eye. He can’t take anymore and decides on a quick break nipping into the bog to knock one out.

 

As he shoots his load he hears the manager go “And now back on Stage our guest pianist…….” In a hurry he pulls his kecks up and gets back out. After a quick number he heads to bar for a water followed by the blonde. At the bar she turns to him and goes

 

“Do you know your cocks hanging out and you’ve come all over your pants.”

He replies

“Know it love.. I wrote the fucker”

[dirty_sanchez]

Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other, "Does that taste funny to you?"

 

Two snowmen standing in a field.

One says to the other, "Can you smell carrots?"

 

Two goldfish in a tank.

One asks his mate, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

 

Two parrots on a perch

One says to the other "Can you smell fish?"

[Sut]

How do you get a parrot to speak?

Put it on the 81.

[Remmie]

Clean seems a difficult concept for some

[coop]

Italian, French and Englishman, talking in a pub about how they satisfy their partners.

 

Italian starts by syaing, "after i make love to my wife i kiss her feet and she floats 7 inches in the air"

 

The Frenchman beats this by replying, "thats nothing ,after making love, i carress and kiss my wife all other her body , and she floats 12 inches in the air"

 

The englishman replies back "thats fuck all, after i make love to my wife i wipe my cock in the curtains, and she hits the roof...

[coop]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

 

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

 

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."

 

The second dwarf shook his head.

"You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed."

[Stouffer]

What do you call a man with no hands?

 

Shitty arse.

 

 

For a clean version sub the words shitty and arse for something like poopy bottom.

[AL66GOLF]

Subject: STEVIE WONDER IN CONCERT

 

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is

absolutely packed to the rafters.

 

In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone

would like him to play a request.

 

An old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and

shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz

chord!".

 

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's

varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale

 

and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.

 

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man

jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord! Play a Jazz

chord!".

 

A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is,

dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B

 

flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes

wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

 

The little old man jumps up again.

 

"No, no. Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

 

Well and truly fed up that this little guy doesn't seem to

appreciate his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage

"OK old man. You get up here and show me how!"

 

The old Japanese man climbs up on to the stage, takes hold of the

mike...

 

and starts to sing .....

 

" A jazz chord to say I ruv you...

[AL66GOLF]

The Rules....this time by men.

 

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules

from the male side. These are our rules!

 

Please note.....these are all numbered "1," due to the very importance of

each rule)

 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

 

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can

find the perfect present yet again!

 

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

 

1. Saturday & Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it Be!

 

1. Shopping is not a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

 

1. Crying is blackmail.

 

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

 

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar.

Remind us frequently beforehand.

 

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be

any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your

dress?

 

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

 

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what

we do! Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

 

1. Check your oil! Please!

 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,

all comments became null and void after 7 days.

 

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria Secret girls, don't expect us to

act like soap opera guys.

 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to

answer.

 

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

 

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.

Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

 

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during

commercials.

 

1. Christopher Columbus did not ask for directions, and neither do we.

 

1. All men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for

example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea

what mauve is.

 

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

 

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading

ability is not proof of how little we care about you. Act like nothing's

wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you

don't want to hear.

 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.

Really.

 

1. You have enough clothes

 

1. You have too many shoes.

 

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together.

No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

 

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch

tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.