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Best opening scene in a movie

JohnnyH

By JohnnyH,
in GF - General Forum

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stevebaby Proficient

stevebaby

Posted
Posted

"Withnail and I".

Procol Harum play "A Whiter Shade of Pale" as Paul McGann smokes a cigarette and contemplates the total horror of existence.

Greatest film of all time.

 

 

"Marwood: My thumbs have gone weird.

Withnail: I've some extremely distressing news.

Marwood: I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear anything! Oh God, it's a nightmare, I tell you, it's a nightmare.

Withnail: We just ran out of wine. What are we gonna do about it?

Marwood: I don't know, I don't know. Oh God, I don't feel good. Look, my thumbs have gone weird! I'm in the middle of a bloody overdose. Oh God. My heart's beating like a fucked clock! I feel dreadful, I feel really dreadful!

Withnail: So do I, so does everybody. Look at my tongue; it's wearing a yellow sock. Sit down for Christ's sake, what's the matter with you? Eat some sugar.

First Policeman: [Having just pulled Withnail driving the beaten up Jaguar drunk & speeding] Bit early in the morning for festivities isn't it sir?

[He eyes the pile of empty bottles in the passenger seat]

Withnail: They're not mine, they belong to him

[He gestures vainly to the back seat]

First Policeman: [Wrinkling his nose as the smell of Withnail's breath hits him] You're drunk

Withnail: I assure you I'm not officer, I've only had a few ales

First Policeman: Out of the car please Sir.

[Withnail does not move, the Policeman opens the door abruptly & Withnail spills out then stands against the car, propping himself up - the Policeman offers him a breath test]

First Policeman: Would you fill this bag please sir?

[Withnail shakes his head]

First Policeman: Are you refusing to fill this bag?

Withnail: I most certainly am

First Policeman: I'm placing you under arrest.

Withnail: Don't be ridiculous I haven't done anything. Listen, my cousin's a QC

Policeman Two: [Who has been listening - screaming] GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!

Danny: I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.

[Hungrily contemplating a live chicken]

Withnail: How do we make it die?

Withnail: Free to those that can afford it, very expensive to those that can't.

Withnail: I feel like a pig shat in my head.

Uncle Monty: Tell him if you must, I no longer care. I mean to have you even if it must be burglary.

Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?

Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell, and it looks like a carrot.

Withnail: I want something's flesh.

Withnail: Don't threaten me with a dead fish.

Jake: Now look you - them pheasants are for his pot. These eels are for my pot. Now what makes you think I should give you something for your pot?

Withnail: What pot?

Marwood: Our cooking pot.

Withnail: We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!

Withnail: I must have some booze. I demand to have some booze.

Monty: As a youth I used to weep in butcher's shops.

Monty: Come on lads, let's get home, the sky's beginning to bruise, night must fall and we shall be forced to camp.

[Withnail eyes the money Monty has given them to buy wellingtons]

Withnail: I think a drink, don't you?

Marwood: What about the wellingtons?

Withnail: Bollocks to the wellingtons. We'll tell him they had a farmers conference and had a run on them.

[approaching the pub]

Withnail: Right, here's the plan. First, we go in there and get wrecked, then we eat a pork pie, then we drop some Surmontil-50's each. That way we'll miss out on Monday and come up smiling Tuesday morning.

Withnail: I'm going to pull your head off, because I don't like your head.

Marwood: Even a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day, and for once I'm inclined to believe Withnail is right. We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell.

Marwood: If my father was loaded I'd ask him for some money.

Withnail: If your father was my father you wouldn't get it.

Withnail: I have a heart condition. If you hit me, it's murder.

Withnail: You'll be pleased to hear Monty's invited us for drinks.

Marwood: Balls to Monty. We're getting out.

Withnail: Balls to Monty? I've just spent an hour flattering the bugger!

Marwood: There's a man over there who doesn't like the perfume. The big one. Don't look, don't look! We're in danger, we've got to get out.

Withnail: What are you talking about?

Marwood: I've been called a ponce.

Withnail: What FUCKER said that?

Irishman: I called him a ponce. And now I'm calling you one, PONCE!

Withnail: Would you like a drink?

Irishman: What's your name, MacFuck?

Withnail: ...I have a heart condition. I have a heart condition, if you hit me it's murder.

Irishman: I'll murder the pair of yous!

Withnail: [Close to tears] My wife is having a baby! Listen, I don't know what my f... acquaintance did to upset you but it's nothing to do with me. I suggest you both go outside and discuss it sensibly, in the street.

Withnail: Right, you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up!

Marwood: No, no, you can't. It's impossible, I swear it. I've looked into it. Listen to me, listen to me! There are things in there, there's a tea-bag growing! You haven't slept in sixty hours, you're in no state to tackle it. Wait till the morning, we'll go in together.

Withnail: This IS the morning. Stand aside!

Marwood: You don't understand. I think there may be something alive.

Withnail: What do you mean? a rat?

Marwood: It's possible, it's possible.

Withnail: Then the fucker will rue the day!

Withnail: Aargh!

Marwood: I told you. You've been bitten!

Withnail: Burnt! Burnt! The fucking kettle's on fire!

Marwood: There's something floating up.

Withnail: FORK IT!

Withnail: Are you the farmer?

Marwood: Shut up, I'll deal with this.

Withnail: We've gone on holiday by mistake. We're in this cottage here. Are you the farmer?

Marwood: Stop saying that Withnail, of course he's the fucking farmer!

Monty: Flowers are essentially tarts; prostitutes for the bees.

Marwood: We're leaving in half an hour.

Withnail: Half an hour? Don't be ridiculous. I need at least an hour for lunch.

Withnail: This place has become impossible. Nothing to eat, freezing cold and now a madman on the prowl outside with eels.

Marwood: All right, you've made your point. We pack up tomorrow and get out.

[He heads for the door]

Withnail: Where are you going?

Marwood: I'm going for a slash.

Withnail: No you can't, I can't get my boots on when they're hot.

Marwood: That's all right, I'll go alone.

Withnail: No you won't, you're not leaving me in here alone. Those are the kind of windows faces look in at.

[after an altercation with Jake the poacher]

Withnail: If I ever see that silage-heap hanging about up here, I'll take the bastard axe to him. Bastards.

Withnail: [sees a sign warning about accidents] These aren't accidents! They're THROWING themselves into the road gladly! THROWING themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness! Throw yourself into the road, darling! You haven't got a chance!

Marwood: A coward you are, Withnail. An expert on bulls you are not.

Withnail: Monty used to act.

Monty: I'd hardly say that. It's true I crept the boards in my youth, but I never had it in my blood, and that's what so essential isn't it? The theatrical zeal in the veins. Alas, I have little more that vintage wine and memories.

Marwood: Right, now we're going to have to approach this scientifically. First thing we've got to do is get this fire alight, then we split into two fact finding groups. I'll deal with the water and the plumbings, you check the fuel and wood situation.

[Later, Withnail re-enters the cottage holding a short stick]

Marwood: What's that?

Withnail: The fuel and wood situation. There's nothing out there except a hurricane.

Withnail: This place is uninhabitable.

Marwood: Give it a chance. It's got to warm up.

Withnail: Warm up? We may as well sit round this cigarette. This is ridiculous. We'll be found dead in here next spring.

Withnail: Jesus. You're covered in shit.

Marwood: You never discuss your family do you?

Withnail: I fail to see my family's of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine.

Marwood: Why?

Withnail: I've told you why. We're incompatible. They don't like me being on stage.

Marwood: Then they must be delighted with your career.

[the pair are regarding a live chicken on the table]

Withnail: What are we supposed to do with that?

Marwood: Eat it.

Withnail: Eat it? Fucker's alive.

Marwood: Yeah, you've got to kill it.

Withnail: Me? I'm the firelighter and fuel collector.

Marwood: Yeah, I know, but I got the logs in. It takes away your appetite just looking at it.

Withnail: No it doesn't. I'm starving.

[in a genteel tea-room]

Withnail: [taking a seat] All right here?

Waitress: No, we're closing in a minute.

Withnail: We're leaving in a minute.

Withnail: I must say, that represents a level of hypocrisy in you that I'd previously suspected, but not noticed due to highly evasive skills.

First Policeman: You're drunk.

Withnail: I assure you I'm not officer. I've only had a few ales.

Withnail: Why can't I have an audition? It's ridiculous. I've been to drama school. I'm good looking. I tell you, I've a fuck sight more talent that half the rubbish that gets on television. Why can't I get on television?

Marwood: Well, I don't know. It'll happen.

Withnail: Will it? That's what you say. The only program I'm likely to get on is the fucking news.

Marwood: Speed is like a dozen transatlantic flights without ever getting off the plane. Time change. You lose, you gain. Makes no difference so long as you keep taking the pills. But sooner or later you've got to get out because it's crashing, and then all at once the frozen hours melt out through the nervous system and seep out the pores.

Marwood: I have just narrowly avoided having a buggering, and have come in here with the express intention of wishing one upon you.

Marwood: If you think you're going to have a weekend's indulgence up here at his expense, which means him having a weekend's indulgence up here at MY expense, you got another thing coming.

Marwood: Not even the wankers on the site would drink that. That's worse than meths.

Withnail: Nonsense. This is a far superior drink to meths. The wankers don't drink it because they can't afford it.

[about a chicken]

Marwood: I think you should strangle it quickly before it starts trying to make friends with us.

Withnail: We'll have to work fast.

[to barman]

Withnail: A pair of quadruple whiskies and another pair of pints...

Withnail: [after having entirely covered himself in muscle embrocation] Have you been at the controls?

Marwood: What are you talking about?

Withnail: The thermostats. What have you done to them?

Marwood: I haven't touched them.

Withnail: Then why has my head gone numb?

Withnail: [having just drunk a bottle of lighter fluid] Got any more?

Marwood: No. I have nothing.

Withnail: Liar. What's in your toolbox.

Marwood: Nothing.

Withnail: Liar. You've got antifreeze.

Marwood: You bloody fool. You should never mix your drinks.

Monty: [reading sign on cottage door] "Here. Hare. Here."

Withnail: What happened to my cigar commercial? What happened to my AGENT? Bastard must've died.

Withnail: Scrubbers!

Schoolgirl: Up yours, grandad!

Withnail: Scrubbers! Scrubbers!

Marwood: Shut up.

Withnail: Little tarts, they love it.

Marwood: What about whatshisname?

Withnail: What about him?

Marwood: Why don't you give him a call?

Withnail: What for?

Marwood: Ask him about his house.

Withnail: You want me to call whatshisname and ask him about his house?

Marwood: Why not?

Withnail: All right. What's his number?

Marwood: I've no idea. I've never met him.

Withnail: Well neither have I. What the fuck are you talking about?

Withnail: We've gone on holiday by mistake.

Marwood: [wakes up in the back seat of the car, which is moving along the motorway] What are you doing?

Withnail: I'm making time!

[swerves through motorway traffic, dangerously]

Marwood: Give me a Valium, I'm getting the FEAR!

Danny: [very calmly] You have done something to your brain. You have made it high. If I lay 10 mils of diazepam on you, it will do something else to your brain. You will make it low. Why trust one drug and not the other? That's politics, isn't it?

Withnail: What are you talking about, Danny?

Danny: Politics man. If you're hanging on to a rising balloon, you're presented with a difficult decision: let go before it's too late, or hold on and keep getting higher. Posing the question, how long can you keep a grip on the rope?

Withnail: There must and shall be aspirin!

Danny: Find your neutral space. You got a rush. It'll pass. Be seated.

[repeated line]

Withnail: How dare you. How DARE you!

Withnail: I will say one thing for Monty, he keeps a sensational cellar!

[Withnail sees Marwood eating some brownish fluid out of a bowl with a spoon]

Withnail: You've got soup! Why haven't I got soup?

Marwood: Coffee!

Withnail: Why can't you drink coffee out of a cup like a normal human being?

Marwood: Why can't you wash up occasionally like a normal human being?

Withnail: [They think a prowler is about to burst into their bedroom] We mean you no harm!

Withnail: Monty, you terrible cunt!

Danny: This pill's valued at two quid.

Withnail: Two quid? You're out of your mind.

Marwood: That's sense, Withnail.

Withnail: You can stuff it up your arse for nothing and fuck off while you're doing it!

[standing at a urinal]

Marwood: [voice-over] I could hardly piss straight with fear. He was a man with 3/4 of an inch of brain who'd taken a dislike to me. What had I done to offend him? I don't consciously offend big men like this. And this one's a decided imbalance of hormone in him. Get any more masculine than that and you'd have to live up a tree.

Marwood: [reading graffiti] "I fuck arses." Who fucks arses?

[aloud]

Marwood: Maybe *he* fucks arses!

Marwood: [voice-over] Maybe he's written this in some moment of drunken sincerity.

Withnail: I'M GONNA BE A STAR!

Uncle Monty: There is, you'll agree, a certain 'je ne sais quoi' oh, so very special about a firm, young carrot. Mmmm, excuse me.

Withnail: Listen to this. "Curse of the superman. I took drugs to win medals said top athlete Geoff Woade."

Marwood: Where's the coffee?

Withnail: "In a world exclusive interview 33 year old shot putter Geoff Woade who weighs 317 pounds, admitted taking massive doses of anabolic steroids, drugs banned in sport. It used to get him bad tempered and act down said his wife. He used to pick on me. But now he's stopped his much better in our sex life and in our general life." My God, this huge, thatched head with its earlobes and cannonball is now considered sane. "Geoff Woade is feeling better and is now prepared to step back into society and start tossing his orb about." Look at him. Look at Geoff Woade. His head must weight fifty pounds on its own. Imagine the size of his balls. Imagine getting into a fight with the fucker!

Marwood: Please! I don't feel good.

Withnail: That's what you'd say but that wouldn't wash with Geoff. No! He'd like a bit of pleading. Add spice to it. In fact, he'd probably tell you what he was going to do before he did it. "I'm going to pull you head off". "Oh no, please, don't pull my head off". "I'm going to pull your head off because I don't like your head!"

Withnail: What is it? What have you found?

Marwood: Matter.

Withnail: How can it be so cold in here? It's like Greenland in here. We've got to get some booze. It's the only solution to this intense cold. Something's got to be done. We can't go on like this. I'm a trained actor reduced to the status of a bum. I mean look at us! Nothing that reasonable members of society demand as their rights! No fridges, no televisions, no phones. Much more of this and I'm going to apply for meals on wheels.

Withnail: I've got a bastard behind the eyes.

Withnail: I have of late - but wherefore I know not - lost all my mirth; and indeed it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory, this most excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire, why, it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. What a piece of work is a man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculties! How like an angel in apprehension. How like a god! The beauty of the world! The paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me: no, nor women neither. Nor women neither.

Marwood: Wake up, bastard, or I burn this bastard-bed down!

Withnail: [Not moving at all] I deny all accusations.

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RedBrian84 Experienced

RedBrian84

Posted
Posted
Yep. The Two Towers is also ace with Gandalf battling the Balrog.

 

That and Gladiator. Character nailed on in first 5 minustes

 

Agreed. In fact, The Return Of The King's opening where you see Smeagol's descent into Gollum is outstanding; completely different in terms of pace and content to the first two films but just as brilliant and gripping.

 

Peter Jackson is a genius.

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