Worst job you have ever done

[Sugar Ape]

When I came back from America I took the first job I found, it was working for a freight and shipping company on a Clarks shoes contract. You'd basically empty a wagon of shoes (you can fit a fucking lot of boxes of shoes on a HGV) and then put them on pallets for different countries. The job was bad enough, the cunts I worked with worse but the boredom was the worst of all.

 

I'd play games with myself, I'm not going to look at my watch until its at least 10 o'clock and then its only half an hour till break. No don't look just yet, another 30 boxes and then you can look. Do the thirty boxes, no, don't look just yet, do another 30 and you'll probably be late going for break and can have a few minutes alone after the cunts have started again. Finally look at my watch and its 8:55. I've another 8 hours of this bollocks.

 

I once went to the foreman and told him I'd received a call saying my mum had been in a car accident and I needed to go to the hospital, this was before mobile phones were common place and I've no idea how I was meant to have received the call. 

 

One lad that I did get on well with looked just like Butch Dingle, same IQ too, but a funny fucker and that helped massively in that shithole. One day we're unloading shoes from a wagon onto the conveyor belt and he finds a box completely fucked up with the shoes hanging out. They were a bright red pair of stilettos and a size 11 - they could only have been heading for a tranny shop.

 

So Butch puts them on and starts mincing up and down the conveyor belt making us all laugh. But as he's doing this the foreman is showing off the warehouse to the head of Clarks Europe and they walk in to the wagon where we're all 'working' to see Butch strutting his stuff in these tranny shoes.

 

Fortunately for Butch the Clarks guy found it hilarious, the cunt foreman was seething but the Clarks guy insisted he wasn't sacked over it.

[Adebisi]

Worked as a kitchen porter at a fish and chips restaurant in a seaside resort a few years ago. In the summer it was absolutely hell. 8-10 hour days, often 6 days a week, with very little quiet periods even in shitty weather. 

The first week wasn't so bad, made over £300 quid but after that when you start to get to know everyone and realise they're all fucking moronic, gossiping, jobsworth, lifer cunts. I'm 6'5 as well so I'd be bending over to reach this sink that barely went past my knees and constantly loading and unloading a dishwasher soon had me feeling like a 70 year old man. One of my best mates was there with me so we did have a laugh but everyday after finishing it was straight to the ganja man/off-license then to the beach.

Did the same at an Indian restaurant for a few days but walked out after constantly getting screamed at because I struggled to keep up with the pace. Piles of plates and pots and pans stacked high like fucking skyscrapers. Not to mention they expected me to chop the onions, tomatoes and the like. Walked out on a busy Friday night, had no idea what the 5 of them were shouting at me as I walked out but at that point I didn't really give a fuck. 

[Section_31]

Col mentioned it, but the worst thing about shit jobs is that they're usually full of mongs.

[Paul]

He lived in 1684 as a pirate, what's to get?

Ha, ha! Doubloons is what I was thinking, too.

[Harry Squatter]

I've had quite a few, worked as a kitchen porter in some place in Waterloo, all the kitchen staff were miserable racist twats who hated everyone. Two chefs thought they were the world authority on life despite working there years, marrying the first woman they ever shagged and never going abroad apart from a weekend in Benidorm. Pay was shit but made up for it by nicking loads of wine, beer and steaks most nights.

 

Worked in the Echo for a bit on the section where all the scalls phone up to put bereavement notices in. All the people who worked there were women in their 50's who'd been there years and took it dead seriously.

 

Went on a graduate training programme and the placements were shit. I ended up working as a lackey for these two wideboy brothers in a warehouse in Kempston Street. They sold all types of utter shite and looked at me strangely if I didn't help with the deliveries. Told them they were taking the piss asking a graduate training programme for a person they didn't have to pay. Spent most of my time in the bogs setting fire to spiders and bog roll with the shit novelty lighters they were selling in their jarg shops.

[Funkasy]

Cutting septic tanks in half and bypassing the piping in the tank. that was a shit job. 

[VladimirIlyich]

Col mentioned it, but the worst thing about shit jobs is that they're usually full of mongs.

Shit jobs can actually be ok if the people you work with are ok too. 

[Dan Vito Corleone]

Also in the call centre was a woman who would die for the job, she used to turn up early to peer through the windows to catch people talking and or using their phones, using their phones was instant sacking. On one shift, somebody fucked up on this shitty paging service they had and they sacked her on the spot and this cunt came in smirking like fuck.  Very strange behaviour

 

She tried being a funny cunt with me because in between calls I was standing at my desk, she came over to me and told me I wasn't allowed to stand.  I just looked at her like she was fucking stupid and told her that I sitting for hours each day and it was a for me to decide when my back was hurting and fancy standing.  

 

Then we had this other weird cunt who watched me log on to a machine that had a fault, then as I was ready to take calls the thing didn't work.  I then logged on to another machine two minutes into the shift and he started banging on in front of everyone about the importance of being ready.  I asked him in front of everyone why he hadn't bothered to tell me it was broken and watched me log on if he knew all of this.  He went fucking red the daft prick.

 

Then we had this middle aged woman who would email the hours over to the agency and the payroll department.  She referred to herself as the Head of HR, but didn't see any professional accredition or CVs that most HR people I have met seemed to have.  

 

I was there for just over 12 weeks and then they got shut of you to stop you getting the full time contract.  I used the money from that shit gig to cover my travelling around the US and Canada

 

That sums up call centres to a tee to be honest Mark. Chock a block full of self important pricks trying to make a name for themselves. I'm not knocking the job (I had to do it and lots of people have to do it) or the (vast majority of) people who work there are normal people who just want to do a job without the significant amount of call centre fuckwittery. 

 

It is a true breeding ground for jobsworth bellends.

[Nunavut Patrick]

Shit jobs can actually be ok if the people you work with are ok too.

 

True dat....worked in pizzeria's for five years. Not a shit job, I enjoyed it but when you had a fucking ace crew it was fun.

 

The best was this place near a univeristy, it was busy as well but not insane busy and i was a driver making good money on tips. We had an Iraqi, two Iranians, an aboriginal and one guy we called Fat Steve because there was another Steve there who lasted a week and the French Canadian cook got so frustrated calling Steve and they both would come, so he just said one day , not you the fat one. It just stuck even though the other Steve had been gone for ages.

 

The manager and I would head over to Quebec after closing (place was in Ottawa, bars close at 1am but in Que. close at 3am, store clsoed at 2am. Do the maths). and have a few cold ones and see if there were any girls around.

 

one night we pulled and the girls were hungry so we brought them back to make a pizza. In the back room there was a machine that peeled potatoes, basically spun them around and then you run them through a cutter and make chips. I was necking with the girl while my mate was making the pizza and chatting, she was good to go so I took her into the potato room and made a makeshift shagging area with the by stacking 50lb sacks of potatoes.

 

I was in the throes of passion when all of a sudden there was an awful stench....at first I was horrified...was it rotten snatch? But then I knew the smell, I guess during the shagging one the bags had opened up and there was a bunch rancid spuds in there. As well, Fat Steve, as he is wont to do, never cleaned the machine properly and it was summer so it stank a bit too.

 

I should add Fat Steve loved the bingo.

 

I kept going and finished like a trooper.

 

Another pizza shop, I was the manager and I picked up a girl and thought I would use the can i make you a pizza line....she was all for it.

 

I let her roll out the dough and put the toppings on. we had sex on the freezer. the pizza burned. I made her another one. We did not do it again, though. We just sat by the glowing gas embers of the pizza oven staying warm in the afterglow of lovemaking.

 

A few months later, after we had broken up, I dated her room mates boyfriends sister. I asked her one night, and we had been on a few dates, if she was hungry and I could make her a pizza. She scowled and said I know what that really means. I did not make the connection and looked dumbfounded. It was not until later I realized that the other bird told the roomate who told the boyfriend who told his sister.

 

Looking back it was like three degrees of cockblocking.

[Colin Heald]

Wallasey Borough Council Cleansing Dept. - depot in Gorsey Lane, not far from the 5 bridges. I was 16 and stuck in an office with two spinsters - one in her 40's who'd been (literally) jilted at the altar years before, and therefore took a dim view of all males, the other mid-30's, and never been kissed - with good reason.  Spent most of my day filling in forms and answering phone calls from housewives whose bins hadn't been emptied.  Only thing that kept me sane was spending all my tea and lunch breaks with the blokes in the garage.  Stuck it for 4 months then got an apprenticeship at Lucas in Fazakerley and never looked back - until now !  

[Paul]

Shit jobs can actually be ok if the people you work with are ok too. 

Yep. I had some great times at McDonald's despite the job itself being rubbish. I also learned loads that served me in great stead later on.

[Section_31]

You can drffo make your own fun in shit jobs. Worked in a job sorting and scanning benefit forms once, two of us were 23 the rest were 16-18, I was by far the most childish and used to regularly start elastic band fights when the boss went out the room.

 

Think that's why I hate call centre jobs, they're dehumanising because not only is the job shit, but every aspect of your time is monitored and micro managed. I've walked out of about three phone jobs.

 

When I worked for a utility company debt collection department though I wrote off hundreds of pounds of deft just because I wanted to, changed one woman's move date after her husband walked out on her so her debt went from 600 to 28 quid, good times.

[Harry Squatter]

I actually hate job agencies with a passion. Horrible, useless parasitic organisations.

[Harry Squatter]

I worked for Littlewoods call centre for two years. The first 18 months were great and I made lots of money doing overtime, shagged a few birds I worked with and had a laugh with most of the people. Then they started monitoring your calls, timing everything and making you sell complete and utter shite to people. Some fella who has just ordered a pair of Armani jeans and a pair of Timberland boots doesn't want to buy a pack of ten tea towels on special offer. You'd get bollocked if you didn't try and sell them.

[Section_31]

I actually hate job agencies with a passion. Horrible, useless parasitic organisations.

Yeah I hate them, full of malevolent Barbies and office juniors who think they're Corben Bernson. Being patronisingly told you've passed a basic Microsoft Word test when you're an IT graduate by one of the useless cunts is all the hell you can be.

[Harry Squatter]

I think I registered with about six job agencies at one point and they were all completely useless. They make you go for "interviews" with them, make you do pointless tests then you get fuck all off them. It got to the point where I was phoning them virtually every day and they were getting sick of me. I called one woman at Adecco a useless bitch because she never returned any of my calls and always used to say she would phone me back and never did. Got one phonecall out the blue asking me to go to a dairy factory in Kirkby for two days work just answering phones. I had no car and the place was in the middle of nowhere. The woman got arsey with me sayin that if I turned it down she wouldn't look for other stuff for me. I never went and they didn't bother looking for anything for me again.

 

I don't know what they actually do all day, one of my aunties worked for a chain of hotels and said that job agencies were completely useless at matching staff up to particular posts. They would send people who had never worked in customer services or were completely thick or not arsed about anything. She said as long as they got shut of people off their books they wouldn't give a shit.

[Rico1304]

Yeah I hate them, full of malevolent Barbies and office juniors who think they're Corben Bernson. Being patronisingly told you've passed a basic Microsoft Word test when you're an IT graduate by one of the useless cunts is all the hell you can be.

Ha ha when I was on the phones we had to do an NVQ in Customer Service, it was supposed to take 6 months and we had a lovely folder to complete and keep all the evidence. We were given time off the phone each week to do it but I spent it trying to mither birds. The morning it was due in I hadn't started it, I finished in about 2 hours and got a distinction. As I was leaving the HR office a few months later with my certificate the bint said "That's the equivalent of an A level" I just put the folder in the bin and said no, no it's not.

[Section_31]

I remember seeing one cunt at forest recruitment in Warrington, I told her I was looking for something because I'd done a journalism course and there was a recruitment freeze, and she said 'well some people might say you should have researched the career a bit better'.

 

A year later I was interviewing Gordon Brown and her office was closed, the fucking peroxide parasite cunt.

[Tom araya]

I was in oz 97/98,worked in a smoke damaged library in Melbourne,basically was had to clean all the books with these special sponges,I was loosing the will to live after the first morning.

[Liverpool lad]

The agencies served a purpose for me as most of these shit jobs did.  They helped me through university so I wasn't too bothered with the 'there is months of work here' lies but I did feel for people who were reliant upon these snides for work.  Constant streams of shit pouring out of their mouths, promises of firms taking you on permanently.  I remember getting put forward for a job a few years ago and the interview was cancelled last minute and the job had been given to a person already working there. Few months later, I got a job in that firm and found the spacker at the agency had just been lying to me.

[General Dryness]

I was in oz 97/98,worked in a smoke damaged library in Melbourne,basically was had to clean all the books with these special sponges,I was loosing the will to live after the first morning.

Did you wake up before work thinking "Hell Awaits"?

[Liverpool lad]

I am tempted to work really hard and get to the top of a firm where I have a say in who we recruit with

 

Then I would get these agencies and recruitment consultants and say to them 'you want this commission, you want this person to be placed in my firm? Get down and give me twenty'.

 

I would then make them fight to the death until only one remains in a cheap suit, business cards covered in freckles of blood, too tired and beaten to take the pool car back. I am thinking part Hunger Games, part Running Man and then to add insult to injury I would just use Linkedin to find the person.

[alles ist gut]

I am tempted to work really hard and get to the top of a firm where I have a say in who we recruit with

 

Then I would get these agencies and recruitment consultants and say to them 'you want this commission, you want this person to be placed in my firm? Get down and give me twenty'.

 

I would then make them fight to the death until only one remains in a cheap suit, business cards covered in freckles of blood, too tired and beaten to take the pool car back. I am thinking part Hunger Games, part Running Man and then to add insult to injury I would just use Linkedin to find the person.

And then send the footage to Youtube as a message to their whole "industry ".

[Tom araya]

Nice one general.

[Nunavut Patrick]

These recruit agency people sound worse than estate agents.

 

I am so looking forward to the summer when I have to engage an estate agent and a fucking car salesperson.