Rafa Beats Chuck Norris

[RED Tezza]

Taken from Cuff from .TV's e-season forum.

 

Thought everyone could do with a laugh.

 

1. Rafael Benitez does not sleep. He waits.

2. Rafael Benitez has counted to infinity. Twice.

3. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it

notes that all world records are held by Rafael Benitez, and those listed in

the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

4. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Rafael Benitez

allows to live.

5. Rafael Benitez is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of

tennis.

6. When Rafael Benitez sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes

only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Rafael Benitez has

not had to pay taxes ever.

7. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for

handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs

to Rafael Benitez and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

8. Rafael Benitez originally appeared in the first ever football video game,

but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to score.

When asked bout this "glitch," Benitez replied, "That's no glitch."

9. Rafael Benitez once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by

yelling, "Bang!"

10. Rafael Benitez is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Rafael

Benitez

11. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Rafael Benitez.

12. When Rafael Benitez goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and

instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

13. There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Rafael Benitez.

14. There are no races, only countries of people Rafael Benitez has beaten

to different shades of black and blue.

15. When Rafael Benitez falls in water, Rafael Benitez doesn't get wet.

Water gets Rafael Benitez.

16. Rafael Benitez CAN believe it's not butter.

17. Rafael Benitez invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum

of visible light. Except pink. David Moyes invented pink.

18. Rafael Benitez has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983

World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free

Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game

UNO.

19. Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the

year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Rafael Benitez"

20. Rafael Benitez doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the

othe nine faint.

21. Rafael Benitez can slam a revolving door.

22. Rafael Benitez played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

23. Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Rafael Benitez

pajamas.

24. When God said, "let there be light", Rafael Benitez said, "say

'please'."

25. Rafael Benitez uses a night light. Not because Rafael Benitez is afraid

of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Rafael Benitez.

[Big Ig]

With Crouch it was funny... one step too far here?

[Stu Monty]

Do not anger Chuck by basically erasing his name from the Chuck Facts and putting in Rafa's.

 

It's not big and it's not clever. Chuck can see into the future and he sees a Roundhouse to the face related death for this Cuff you speak of.

[Big Ig]

Rafa Benitez is the one man in existence able to plan and organise an effective defence of the Chuck Norris Roundhouse. Even then he needs a Danish centreback allied to the whole population of China, fully trained and deployed before him, in order to do this. This event is known in the bible as Armaggergeddon.

[Stu Monty]

Rafa Benitez is the one man in existence able to plan and organise an effective defence of the Chuck Norris Roundhouse. Even then he needs a Danish centreback allied to the whole population of China, fully trained and deployed before him, in order to do this. This event is known in the bible as Armaggergeddon.

 

The book of Keith actually.

[paddyb]

Every time a church bell rings, Mr. T pities a fool.

 

The last man who made eye contact with Mr. T was Ray Charles.

 

Mr. T hates playing 'Rock Paper Scissors' because he doesn't believe anything could beat rock. He always chooses rock, and when someone throws paper, he says,"I win." If someone is foolish enough to dispute this, he takes his clenched fist and punches them in the face, then says, "I thought your paper would protect you."

 

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

 

When Mr. T folds his arms, the U.S. Terror Alert Level is raised to gold.

 

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

 

5 out of 5 doctors recommend not **bleep** off Mr. T.

 

Mr T's chains are not made of gold, they are actually made of curium, one of the heaviest elements in existence. They were put there by the CIA to slow him down, and you're lucky they do, fool.

 

Children are afraid of the dark. Dark is afraid of Mr. T.

 

Mr T. and Chuck Norris decided to spar, they travelled to the only safe place in the Universe, the beginning of time. They bowed to each other and Chuck launched in with a roundhouse kick. Mr. T blocked it, and the resulting pressure wave is commonly called the Big Bang.

 

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

 

Mr. T doesn't breathe, air just hides in his lungs for protection.

 

When creating the alphabet, Mr. T placed the letters M, R, and T in seperate areas so people could learn to read and spell without fear.

 

Mr. T's Mohawk is not held up by hair gel, his hair is just scared of him and is trying to get as far away as possible.

 

Human females have two X chromosomes. Males have an X and a Y. Mr. T has three Ys and a T. He's more man than you'll ever be.

 

Mr. T once captured Bigfoot, but released him after he shaved the beast and realized that it was just Chuck Norris walking around naked in the woods.

 

Mr. T does not actually pity fools. He is just being sarcastic. No one has noticed because it is difficult to pick up such subtleties while being bludgeoned.

 

When Mr. T was circumsized his foreskin was not disposed of. Instead it was raised as a normal child, and it grew to love the game of basketball. Today we know Mr. T's foreskin as Shaquille O'Neal.

 

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

 

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

 

Mr. T is the reason the sky is blue. Don't ask stupid questions.

 

Mr. T always drives on the right side of the road, no matter where he is in the world.

 

Mr. T was once involved in a head-on car crash, and he was the only survivor. Mr. T was walking at the time.

 

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

 

When Mr. T received his star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame, he made his hand prints after the cement was dry.

 

Mr. T once ate four 72 oz. steaks in 12 minutes. He spent the first 5 minutes laughing at the fact it takes Chuck Norris fifteen minutes to eat three.

 

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

 

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

 

Ever have a sharp pain in your chest that you can't explain? That was Mr. T, and it was a warning.

 

Gravity dosen't exist. Mr. T just pities everything to stay the **bleep** down. Birds and planes are exempt beacuse they are shaped like Ts.

 

Contrary to popular belief, Mr. T was not beat by Sylvester Stallone in Rocky III. He actually lost to Stallone's stuntman, Chuck Norris. It took 5 hours of work by a dozen makeup artists to make Chuck Norris ugly enough to be a believable Stallone. Even with Chuck Norris, it was still necessary to use 3 metric tons of animal traquilizers to knock Mr. T out long enough for a 10 count

[luna985]

Deja-vu anyone??

[Stu Monty]

They've changed something in the matrix!!

[Juniper]

They've changed something in the matrix!!

 

Humour?

 

Think you should sue Stu, that Rafa ones too close to Chuck's facts

[fivetimes]

The chuck nosh and mr T ones were alright at first. But now people are changing them with rafa/terry wogan/that bird from just good friends with paul nicholas etc....getting boring now.

[Juniper]

Terry Wogan hasnt had 30 facts posted on here..............................yet

 

Belive me I would do one if I could be arsed, but I can't

 

p.s. Dont be knocking Terry

[dave u]

Terry Wogan has the longest ears in the world. They start at the top of his head, and go down a far as his shoulder blade. True story, have a look next time he's on tv. His earlobe alone weighs almost two stone.

[Juniper]

Terry Wogan has the longest ears in the world. They start at the top of his head, and go down a far as his shoulder blade. True story, have a look next time he's on tv. His earlobe alone weighs almost two stone.

 

 

Well theres the first one right there

 

*takes note*

[fivetimes]

Wasnt knocking him....in fact sowing the seed.