Funny alcohol related stories

[RedinSweden]

I have a gig tonight and the subject is alcohol. Let me have your stories so I can steal them.

[Flying Pig]

My wife said to me,with a glint in her eye:

 

"Don't go to the pub, stay in with me,and I'll make tonight truly awesome for you." True enough, it was one of the best nights of my life. I won at darts and one of the barmaids tits fell out when she was pouring my pint.

[Joe Le Taxi]

In before

 

"Lewis got raped by a taxi driver"

[mrw74]

As a student, many years ago, we had a promotion on Coors in the SU, £1 a pint. I downed several, then downed several more.....the next thing I remember was waking up on a swing in the local park at about 5am in the morning freezing cold.

 

Or, after a particularly heavy drinking session at the Reading Festival one year, instead of waking up in my tent, I woke up in a tree.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

I got drunk and fell over

 

True story

[Trumo]

i tll you fucking what

 

fucklinbumcheeks

 

fucking hel racade firwe

 

Search this list and you might find some gems:

 

http://www.liverpoolway.co.uk/forum/search.php?searchid=1041982&pp=25

[RJ Fan club]

I have a gig tonight and the subject is alcohol. Let me have your stories so I can steal them.

 

Egg Nog, James?

[ZonkoVille77]

I could be on here forever.

 

I had a cold once, nose running like a tap. went out to a pretty decent pub which was renowned for having semi-class ladies in it.

 

One particular girl I liked was there and I'd been chatting her up on and off for about 3 months. Anyhow this particular night I had been on the piss all day and got the swagger to go over to chat to her and her mates, leaning over the table speaking. As I got up to leave and walk away she called me back. I turned my head quickly and a big fuck off runny snot came flying out of my nose onto their table. Sitting there glowing. Embarrassed and pissed I tried to get away quickly and turned and walked into a big fat dude and fell on my arse.

 

She never did speak to me again to be honest. True story.

 

Another night after having a meal out with work. I puked all over the table. It wouldn't have been so bad only for the fact I had Fish for dinner and it fuckin stank the place out. Had to leave that job.

 

I have tons more but haven't the time at the minute.

[Joe Le Taxi]

Some actual stories:

 

In freshers week last year one lad who I barely knew was trying to impress all the lads and girls in our group (about 13 of us in total) by his drinking skills, despite being a lightweight and socially awkward and downed a load of stella in pre drinks then kept buying everyone a double vodka red bull, which we declined as he was swaying everywhere so he drank it then started crying saying none of us liked him despite him buying us drinks. He ran off somewhere and we tried to contact him for an hour until we got a call from the bouncers outside.

 

Apparently he'd ran from 02 academy to Leeds Met and passed out in a puddle of vomit before being brought back by their students. Our vice president of the SU had to take him back and we were told to leave so we pranked him by shaving off half an eyebrow and convincing him he'd pissed himself.

 

---

 

I came to freshers week after a £350 casino win and had a good time every night spending a respectable amount of money.

 

On the Thursday (night after the above story) however I was with a few girls and was trying to impress so I took out all my casino winnings and blew it in the nightclub on Jagerbombs and champagne (spent £210 on one round) trying to impress all the girls. Turns out most of them had boyfriends so I was stuck with a shitload of of expensive alcohol...

 

----

 

I'm also known for collecting ace fancy dress outfits and wearing them on nights out, some of them include Zoro, Luigi from the Mario Brothers, Iron Man, Jashon Voorhees and my newest one, WWII officer outfit.

 

For a friends birthday the theme was film and so I bought a Stormtrooper outfit. It was a great night, I was smashed and was convinced to re-enact the following video on stage:

 

[YOUTUBE]R8kDsM0M-vg[/YOUTUBE]

 

----

 

One of my friends is prone to getting beyond wasted and getting lifts home from the police, its happened 4 times so far this year.

[bri]

Munich stag doo. Toilet door was next to the door out the hotel room. I missed the door in the middle of the night and woke up in the morning 2 floors up stark bollock naked in a room with a load of back packers in it. I pissed somewhere but god knows where. After they confirmed I was in the right hotel made it back down , showered and back on it. German beer for you

[The Acolyte]

Mate of mine got proper pissed and was staying in a hotel.

Anyway he thought he had a non eventful night on the ale when he woke up only to find the room stunk like a farm yard.

Then he remembered, he went to the toilet before passing out.

But he hadn't.

Instead of the bog the idiot had taken a shit on the radiator!

[Furmedge]

Went out with one of my uncles on an all dayer a few years back, walking home with a chippy and he had an open chips, curry and rice. As we're walking back to his, some lad rides past on a bike and without even looking pushes my uncles food back and tips it all over him. So my uncle is standing there with a full meal sliding down his face and clothes. As we wandered into his house, my auntie looks up from her book, simply says "Dickhead", and looks back down again.

 

Another uncle, another all dayer. Walking down County Road trying to get a cab back to Kirkby but they were all going the other way into town. A cab stops to pick someone up, my uncle runs over to try and jump in it but the driver moves off with him holding onto the passenger door. So my uncle is moving off at about 30mph attached to this pissed off cabbie, I'm stumbling behind bladdered. About 300m down my uncle lets go and does a Hollywood style rollover. I manage to get him home full of blood from the fall. Next morning I'm lying in my bed, uncle bursts into room and asks if me and him had had a fight because he couldn't remember a thing. Told him about the cab, he shrugs his shoulders and says "Again?"

[Bogman]

I mistook my daughters toy-pram for the toilet one drunken evening, and pissed in it*.

 

 

 

 

 

* according to the wife.

[Kevin D]

*Waits for Doctor Troy*

[ZonkoVille77]

Walked into the house after being on the piss all day. Mother, aunt and 2 sisters sitting at the table. Didn't acknowledge them apparently.

Went to the press took out 2 pieces of bread, buttered them, stuck on the toaster without putting the bread in, opened the washing machine, pissed into it, vomited into the sink and left for bed. All told to me the next day of course.

 

once woke up with one side of my hair all shaved off. No idea to this day how it happened.

 

Ate a bag of fish food for a tenner.

 

Went to the jax for a crap and there was no bog roll so took off my jocks and wiped my hole with them and dumped them in the bin. Went back to a birds later who thought I was a cocky fuck for not having any jocks on. Of course I couldn't tell her why.

 

Disaster with drink.

[mrw74]

Home game v the mancs, when Stevie scored his blinder past barthez in the Annie Rd end....6 of us went out afterwards on a massive bender, ended up at The Dispensary on Renshaw St, after downing many pints, me and my mate started to chat up these ladies, and after a laughing fit, my mate threw up all over one of the girls feet, she wasn't impressed.

[General Dryness]

*Waits for Doctor Troy*

 

+1.

 

I was going to post this as I was reading the thread, but you read my mind.

 

Troy = Best stories, every time.

[brucespanner]

Woke up in France with only a torn shirt and £3.56, no idea how, it was a week long bender, I remember the idea and the boat, but everything else is a fucking blur.

 

Woke up in a B&B near North Train station and spent a week there.

 

I miss things like that.

[Adebisi]

Not exactly funny for me, but I'm often reminded of a few occasions where I had one too many.

 

First was when there was an all day gig on in town. My mate's band was headlining but a load of us went there early anyway. It was pretty dead and the drinks were pricey so we went and bought 3 bottles of tesco's own vodka. We were necking full glasses of it straight and then had a walk/stumble to a boozer where pints, shots, pitchers and the rest were drank in large quantities. After been kicked out of the pub we made our way back to the gig where we drank some more. The next thing I remember is falling down the stairs and tripping over a chair (woke up with a bruise the size of a DVD case in the morning) My friends picked me up and sat me down at the back of the crowd and I passed out.

 

I awoke to see my mate doing a mic check, but before I could stand up to go over I threw up all over myself. It felt like I was throwing up for hours. Dozens watched on in amusement. When it finally felt like there was no more sick, rather than leave, I got up and went to the front of the stage for some sweet shoegaze-y racket. Bad idea, there was still some sick inside me and it ended up all around the stage, meaning everyone had to take a few steps back and so there was a space of about 6foot between the stage and the crowd. My mate wasn't happy, but we had a laugh about it in the end. Got off with some lass at the end of the night too, despite my jeans been covered in sick. Fuck knows what I tasted like either. Not pretty I imagine. The morning after I woke up fresh as a daisy at 8am and got the bus home.

 

 

The second time it was the end of college, we'd had our final show and some club put on a night. I'd be drinking and smoking joints all day in celebration and was already a bit tipsy when I got there. As soon as I get in there my mate greets me with two double vodka and red bulls. I hate energy drinks, but what the I wasn't going to turn down some free drinks. For some reason I continued to drink vodka and red bull and pulled some Jarvis-esque moves on the dance floor before my mate pulled me to one side and told me he needed to go the shop before it closed for some fags. I went with him and the fresh air hit me fucking hard. By the time we got back to the club that was 5 minutes away, everything was spinning and I couldn't string a sentence together. I was refused re-entry and got thrown in a taxi. My dopey sod of a mate sent me to my mum's house which was 10 miles away. The next thing I remember is waking up by the side of the road about 20 minutes from my mum's with a policeman's torch shining in my eyes. My wallet which had 50 notes in was empty and I was covered in sick and mud and grass stains.

 

The two policemen told me they thought I was dead when they saw my body sprawled out by the road and thought there'd be a hit and run. They put me in the back of the van and drove me home. They knocked on my door and I could hear my mum in tears frantically opening the door. She thought they were calling to tell her I was dead, which made me laugh. She dragged me inside and I threw up into a bucket for about 5 minutes while she went from yelling and me to crying to a bit of both. I was due to move out 2 days later and, I don't remember this bit, but my brother tells me she said "Adebisi, if you honestly think I'm going to pay half your bond after tonight you can forget! Please don't move out! My heart wont be able to cope if you're getting in this state every night!" and I looked up like I was going to say something, before running upstairs to throw up in the bath. We all laugh about it now, but my mum was deadly serious. I had to beg her for that £200.

 

Work the next day was absolute torture. We had a sale on too and it was non-stop from 8-5:30. I threw up soon after arriving and again after dinner. Everyone laughed. They all went out and had a great time, it was supposed to be me and my classmates' celebration and I was home by half 11. I also remember some "mate" coming in and cracking open a can of red bull in the shop. The smell alone knocked me sick, luckily at this point everything was out. Bile included.

[manwiththestick]

Back in the day a load of us were round at a mate's house (a manc) to watch the white suit final. We had all been out the night before clubbing at his about ten 10 am with crates and vodka. At some point after the game amidst some hysterical scenes I farted whilst laughing, and started to feel a moistness that needed urgent attention.

 

Discreetly shuffled to the bog and took off the unsalvageable briefs, pulled off the side panel of the bath and chucked them right under. To this day I have no idea what happened, surely there has been a bathroom refit since then.

[Bjornebye]

Got loads but the first one that sprung to mind is when me Maa told me that me dad pissed in my cot when I was a baby. I hope he was pissed....

[memyselfandpie]

I remember one when I was about 16.

We'd all been out and did a taxi run when we got back. We scattered all over the place. Anyway, we all started trickling out of bushes and gardens etc, and met up. One lad comes back and his nose was pouring of blood. Now, this lads nose was fucking massive, so it couldnt have happened to a better person. One of us said "Shit, did he get you?!"...he replies... "Oh, no, I just tried to jump over a fence, got caught and landed on my nose".

 

Hysterics.

 

I also did a taxi run once (I swear this is never my idea, knob-head mates who think its funny), where my mates jumped out and ran and I kinda slowly got out and walked off thinking that I wasnt gonna be the only one left behind. Anyway, I had no intention of running. I was walking through town with one of my mates and the taxi pulled up beside us. Again I decide I'm not gonna run, can't be arsed with that so I give the bloke my share of the money, he goes off on one about it not being enough but I thought no way am I paying for those cunts. So, the taxi bloke follows us telling us he's been on the radio for help. We didnt believe him and carried on walking through town towards home. Next minute this taxi pulls up, then another, and another...like a scene from a Hollywood movie. My mates leg it towards the park and I just carry on walking. Next minute someone grabs me and throws me in the back of a taxi and demands my shoes or my coat (because I didnt have any money on me). I tell him to do one, no way. So, he gives me a lecture, locks the doors and drives off with me in the back. I'm pissed off and getting a bit concerned at this point as I know there were three or four others. Anyway, We finally pull into this closed up petrol station about 15 minutes later, they get me out and and I get all the taxis round me...at that point I'm expecting a massive kicking...what do they do? They say nothing, get in the taxis, and drive off. I'm about 4 miles from home. I start walking and one of the taxis passes me by and he winds down the window and shouts "Not so clever now hey!" pissing hiself laughing at me.

 

Never felt like such a cunt in my life. It was a long walk, and I was literally a minute from homebefore as well. Taking the halfway moral stance got me fuck all but sore feet. I did laugh about it after though.

[Section_31]

Was absolutely fucked once in Warrington. I went downstairs in Wetherspoons and outside for some fresh air, I was feeling a bit vulnerable (a few weeks before I'd been spewing for two hours in the bogs of another club, slipped on it and chipped my tooth) so in my mind started thinking 'I wish my mother would pick me up' (even though she can't drive.

 

This somehow translated itself into me then opening the nearest bottle skip, throwing bottles over my shoulder and shouting 'where's me mum? Where the fuck's me mum?'. Before I knew it there were about 15 bouncers assembled down the alleyway, some had called their mates, and they were all genuinely aghast.

 

I was then told I wasn't getting in the next bar by them, so went around the corner to this dodgy R&B club which was in the process of being frequented by Manchester's Gooch Close gang. I proceeded to walk into the midst of them and started 'dancing', at which point - and I kid you not - they all left.

[Carvalho Diablo]

Got loads but the first one that sprung to mind is when me Maa told me that me dad pissed in my cot when I was a baby. I hope he was pissed....

 

I hope it was piss...

[RedinSweden]

Thanks for the reminder Trumo. I only remember the first one. This made me laugh though.

 

Bollocks. Sorry about that. I am on a conference and a couple too many. Told a group of teachers I was a policeman last night too. I had a conversation with crouchieboy too, no fucking idea what I said. Sorry Jeff!