Instant cunt identifiers

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

Mouth breathers

[General Dryness]

I take it your bird won't go to your office to prove you aren't gay then?

 

Always keep an air of mystery mate. Anyway, Stigs career is built on his sexual ambiguity. If his superiors didn't think they were in with a chance of a cuddle from a clean cut young man, he'd still be cleaning toilets.

[joeyk]

Why the fuck would you bring your girlfriend in the office or be in the office on your day off? 

 

lad just came in to 'get something from his desk' despite having booked the day off to take his bird out the cunt. She walks in the office with the cunt. This isn't a fucking pub or playground. Don't just bring your cunt bird in when grown-ups are trying to do their fucking job then piss everyone off by rubbing it in that you are off for cocktails in the cunting sun. Take her then we don't want to see the fucking munter anyway you sad jobsworth cunt. Not like you do much when you are here anyway you shit-cunt. 

 

Fucking brings her over to me the cunt to introduce me as her boss "This is Damien" 

 

"Oh your Damien?" 

 

"Yeah cunt and i'll rip your fucking arm out the socket if you give me your fake cunting shit just be honest and tell me he goes home and calls me a cunt, I dont care anyway, i'll make you piss your knickers where you stand. And brush them fucking gravestones" 

 

Cunts. 

That's quality !!

[Section_31]

Anyone who does things faster just for the sake of it. When I used to learn shorthand we all had to read out what we'd taken down together remedial style as a class, but one lad would always be one word ahead of us.

 

Went circuit training recently, everyone was encouraged to run at the same pace but there was two lads running faster than everyone else. On the last exercise I knew one lad would set out to overtake me and he did, I just smirked at the predictable robot cunt and how easy it was to see him coming, like a North Korean soap opera. I bet he's a trainee recruitment consultant with square plates.

[Pidge]

Overuse of the word "hipster".

[littletedwest]

Unsurprisingly i don't take my Mrs into work.

[Dr Nowt]

Use of the word "hipster".

Agreed. Long ago reached too cliched status.

[Dr Nowt]

Unsurprisingly i don't take my Mrs into work.

Should do. Les-off in the stationary cupboard. You won't be able to leave yourself alone.

[bouncebrigade]

People who put their bag on the seat beside them on the bus.

 

Oh I'm sorry, does your new fucking £200 handbag need a rest?  Don't mind me, I'm just fucked with a hangover and enjoy standing on a condensation riddled crock of a bus while your new Versace bag has a good stretch for itself.

 

Weapons.

[stringvest]

People who put their bag on the seat beside them on the bus.

 

Oh I'm sorry, does your new fucking £200 handbag need a rest?  Don't mind me, I'm just fucked with a hangover and enjoy standing on a condensation riddled crock of a bus while your new Versace bag has a good stretch for itself.

 

Weapons.

 

tell her to move it.

[Champ]

People who put their bag on the seat beside them on the bus.

 

Oh I'm sorry, does your new fucking £200 handbag need a rest?  Don't mind me, I'm just fucked with a hangover and enjoy standing on a condensation riddled crock of a bus while your new Versace bag has a good stretch for itself.

 

Weapons.

 

You're missing a nought if it as a real Versace bag

[Frankenhooker]

People who put their bag on the seat beside them on the bus.

 

Oh I'm sorry, does your new fucking £200 handbag need a rest? Don't mind me, I'm just fucked with a hangover and enjoy standing on a condensation riddled crock of a bus while your new Versace bag has a good stretch for itself.

 

Weapons.

Even fucking worse if they start tutting when you ask them to move it.

 

The car was off the road last week so unfortunately I had to bus it. It was 5pm, bus was ram packed, pensioners stood up, all sorts, the only spare seat was taken by some quims bag, I asked him to move it so some woman could sit down, the fucker had the audacity to tut at me. I had to grip the rail just to stop myself shoving his iPad up his arse. Put me in a bad mood for the rest of the night.

[General Dryness]

People who put their bag on the seat beside them on the bus.

 

Oh I'm sorry, does your new fucking £200 handbag need a rest?  Don't mind me, I'm just fucked with a hangover and enjoy standing on a condensation riddled crock of a bus while your new Versace bag has a good stretch for itself.

 

Weapons.

 

Just go up to the aforementioned weapon and say "is it ok if I sit here?" but don't wait for an answer, say it whilst being in the process of sitting down.

 

They'll be so flustered about moving their bag out from under your arse, and thrown by the fact that you're asking politely, they'll have no time to object. Try it next time. Unless its a proper hard faced bitch/cunt, it works a treat.

[Champ]

Just go up to the aforementioned weapon and say "is it ok if I sit here?" but don't wait for an answer, say it whilst being in the process of sitting down.

 

They'll be so flustered about moving their bag out from under your arse, and thrown by the fact that you're asking politely, they'll have no time to object. Try it next time. Unless its a proper hard faced bitch/cunt, it works a treat.

 

This kind of selfishness really gets my goat...its called public transport and why should you even have to ask 'politely', they should be making room for you without being asked. And the ones that then give you 'that look' or cold shoulder you really should have their lights put out/panned in

[stringvest]

I won't have it.  It's a matter of principle.  As Stig will tell you, any train out of Waterloo in the rush hour is rammed.  Still, people think it's ok to do this.  Not when I'm looking for a seat it ain't.  I enter vigilante mode.  And I shall stare/shout down any man-bag toting selfish get that tries it. I will have that seat.  If I think you're being particularly obnoxious, I am within my rights to aggressively break wind and may choose to do it.  If you 'tut', then I shall be asking why.  I will make a cunt out of you.  

[cloggypop]

I usually hand them the bag as I am sitting down. The Dutch are much worse on public transport than the English. They are not good with politeness.

[General Dryness]

This kind of selfishness really gets my goat...its called public transport and why should you even have to ask 'politely', they should be making room for you without being asked. And the ones that then give you 'that look' or cold shoulder you really should have their lights put out/panned in

 

Missed the point. You're not really being polite, its just diversionary tactics. You're sitting down whether they like it or not. If they're hard faced enough to not move their shit, its getting sat on.

 

Such diversionary tactics shouldn't be necessary, true. But people are cunts. And its alright saying "knock them out" if you're being Harry Hardarms on an internet forum, but on a bus you haven't got many escape options. If you're willing to face a GBH charge for a seat on a bus, then you also are a cunt.

[Jairzinho]

I won't have it.  It's a matter of principle.  As Stig will tell you, any train out of Waterloo in the rush hour is rammed.  Still, people think it's ok to do this.  Not when I'm looking for a seat it ain't.  I enter vigilante mode.  And I shall stare/shout down any man-bag toting selfish get that tries it. I will have that seat.  If I think you're being particularly obnoxious, I am within my rights to aggressively break wind and may choose to do it.  If you 'tut', then I shall be asking why.  I will make a cunt out of you.  

 

 

There is nothing more satisfying in life than making a cunt out of someone. Which is why far from finding situations like non bag moving an irritation, I actually relish them. A personal favourite in this particular opportunity is to just sit on their bag. "Oh, sorry, I assumed everyone had their bag on the floor by their feet". If I had a huge gut I'd be trying this as well -

 

 

Another option, especially if they've got some swanky expensive little handbag, and you've got a grubby work bag, is to just put your bag on top on theirs. "This is the bag seat, no?"

 

The more adventurous cunt exposer may explore avenues such as curling one out into their bag, or casually throwing their bag out of the window and then sitting down. The latter, I feel, should be accompanied by then sitting cross legged and reading a newspaper. Alas, you can't smoke a pipe on the bus any more.

[Dr Nowt]

People who don't look at or acknowledge you when you stand aside in a tight space to let them go by is a similar thing.

 

"You're very welcome, I only exist to serve you" usually only receives a frosty look from the sort of arrogant cunt who thinks that's ok, which is when you can open up the insult big guns.

 

It's the jab that hopefully gets you into hitting range, provided it's not disappointingly countered with an apology or the realisation they were just preoccupied and are actually ok.

 

I need anger management.

[Tony Moanero]

People who moan about people moaning about hipsters. Get rid of that piss poor excuse for a beard, it makes you look like a colossal cunt.

[stringvest]

It's selfishness or rudeness that gets my goat.   Accelerating the decivilisation of our once great nation, where quiet courtesy and good manners where the order of the day.

[General Dryness]

People who don't look at or acknowledge you when you stand aside in a tight space to let them go by is a similar thing.

 

"You're very welcome, I only exist to serve you" usually only receives a frosty look from the sort of arrogant cunt who thinks that's ok, which is when you can open up the insult big guns.

 

It's the jab that hopefully gets you into hitting range, provided it's not disappointingly countered with an apology or the realisation they were just preoccupied and are actually ok.

 

I need anger management.

 

I did that with some young fella in the supermarket. He was with his missus and I stood to one side to let them pass and they didn't acknowledge me at all. So I said "Don't mention it".

 

Anyway, the cunt must have been having a bad day or something, he turns round, says "Don't mention what" and half arsedly comes at me. But it was one of those "I'm coming at you but I'm not really and I hope my missus makes as if to hold me back". Which luckily she did. I just shook my head and laughed and carried on.

 

I probably should have knifed him, and his family, and his missus and her family, and everyone they know and everyone they're going to know and their descendants for the next 50 years, then taken off and nuked the planet from space. But I had a roast dinner to cook. Priorities.

[Bjornebye]

A debate tailor made for my in-put.

 

 What the fuck goes on in people’s heads. Last night a cunt had his fold-up bike on the spare seat next to the window and sat in the aisle seat with his legs spread out , laptop open on the table not giving a fuck knowing full well that people get on that train at rush hour every-night and jostle for seats. A woman (looked like a right bitch) went straight over and asked him to move up so she could sit down, he looked at her as if she had just molested his kids. Stood up, huffing and puffing, picked up his bike then held his hand out to the woman beckoning her into the seat by the window. He then rested his bike against the side of his seat in the aisle so people had to step over it. The fucking rage that fills me with these people is unreal. It’s the thing I hate most about London life. It is either an absolute lack of awareness or a blatant dis-regard for everyone else because they are too wrapped up in their own importance. You literally need to put yourself in a zone and have some mean fucking music in your headphones to get anywhere in a reasonable time in this fucking city.

 

 Southeners put the north down all the time but I tell you fucking what, the people are a million times better when it comes to acknowledging the existence of others.

 

 I’m too polite to look out for myself and it is my nature to allow people past, I don’t even sit on the fucking tube even if there are spare seats simply because I don’t mind standing and would rather someone who wanted the seat had it. It’s like the stairs (not escalators so much which to be fair are the only example of an orderly fashion in London) going up or down to the tube/over-ground. People fucking walk right in the middle of the steps slowly either on their phone or whatever, people rushing having to slow down because of them. It’s rush hour you fucking bastard fucking rush! And chew with your fucking mouth closed you are not the only cunt who exists.

 

 One day I’m pulling a gun out. I fucking swear. 

[Bjornebye]

I did that with some young fella in the supermarket. He was with his missus and I stood to one side to let them pass and they didn't acknowledge me at all. So I said "Don't mention it".

 

Anyway, the cunt must have been having a bad day or something, he turns round, says "Don't mention what" and half arsedly comes at me. But it was one of those "I'm coming at you but I'm not really and I hope my missus makes as if to hold me back". Which luckily she did. I just shook my head and laughed and carried on.

 

I probably should have knifed him, and his family, and his missus and her family, and everyone they know and everyone they're going to know and their descendants for the next 50 years, then taken off and nuked the planet from space. But I had a roast dinner to cook. Priorities.

 

Sounds like you shit yourself to me. 

[General Dryness]

I was a tad surprised, to be honest. It was fairly innocuous.

 

Rest assured Stiggy, if his intention had been violence, he would have been in the right aisle for it. I'd have hit him so hard it would have knocked you out. Picking his teeth up with a broken arm etc.

 

Just because I haven't got any pictures of myself flogged and smiling like I enjoyed it, doesn't mean I don't know the Queensbury rules.