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Carvalho Diablo

Grieving

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I hardly ever post anymore since my daughter died, I don't know if it's that the reason I don't post much anymore but I'm more comfortable lurking I suppose.

 

When she died 4 years ago, I was destroyed and part of me still is.  I'll never get over it.  There's things that I have to deal with over the last few years, that I think have stopped me grieving for her in a way that I'd like to.  In many ways I've become numb to so much.  I seem to be on autopilot most of the time and out of the blue, I'm floored and can barely pick my head up off the floor.  

 

For most of the time I function like everyone else, I go to work and do what other people do, but I don't get anywhere near the enjoyment out of life that I used to.  And I accept that as I know why.

 

My wife and I set up a charity, Love, Jasmine, 2 years ago in her memory and I know many of you sponsored Dougie Doins on his sponsored bike ride last year when he raised money for us - thank you!.  We support other families who have gone through/going through what we are and the way people deal with it is as unique as the child they've lost.  There's no right or wrong way to deal with grief.  You have to find your own way.  For some counselling works, for others it doesn't.   Some prefer the company of others who have experienced something similar and peer support can really help with isolation.  One of things that we've tried to do with the charity is give families different choices.  We don't just say here's counselling and go to the GP and get medication.  We provide self-care strategies such Yoga, meditation and complimentary therapies and these are available to kids and adults alike.  There's counselling for those that want to try that as well as support groups and we also provide transport for families to get them to appointments, if they can't get themselves to us.  Last year, we asked families what would help and so many came back to us and said respite breaks, so we bought a caravan and we now send families for respite breaks as well.   

 

I didn't mean this to sound like an advert for the charity, I guess I'm just trying to say grief is different for everyone.  I see it every day in my own life at home and with the people that we work with each day.

 

 

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Thanks everyone, for your concern and for your stories of your own losses and of how you've each managed your own grief.

 

I should say that I'm sound btw, haven't suffered any loss or bereavement recently, but I did watch a film about loss the other night, and that prompted my post.

The film was Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones, and it really struck me about how in grief, how there are no rules, no right or wrong, how grieving is such an intensely personal and individual thing.

 

My nan dies in the June of 1999 and it hit me like a ton of bricks. After both my mother and my dad had (for different reasons) fucked off and left both me and my younger brother, it was my elderly maternal grandmother whooo gladly filled the vacuum and stepped in to bring us both up. Had she not done so, then we would have both been shipped off to some children's home.

 

As I watched that film though, my grief for my nan really struck me. I have missed her for every single day of the past 20 years, but rarely if ever have I ever spoken of my grief, my pain and sorrow to anyone. This cannot be healthy. Perhaps I should and maybe it's important for me to do so. Maybe this thread is the beginning of my catharsis and of a recovery of sorts.

 

In many respects I'm a very typical fella; I drink too much, bottle stuff up, repress my feelings, live in denial, put a brave face on, soldier on, and generally be an arsehole. After 20 odd years, maybe it's time to grasp thhe nettle, man up and sort my shit out?

 

Maybe.

 

Thanks to eveyone who's taken the time to reply to my OP, many of your posts have been both touching and moving. Much love back at ya.

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Wow. This really is quite the thread. Sincere thanks to everyone who has contributed.

There is no rulebook for grief but ultimately those of us left behind must carry on by whatever means.

My own experience still leaves me angry and numb at the same time. My wife and I do appear to enjoy life but on my own behalf Im never quite sure if Im simply faking it. I feel that the loss of R defines me more than my amazing wife A and grown up children B, D and J. Aint that just a kicker.

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I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering CD, littletedwest, LFD, Col, SS and all.  Life is so bloody hard sometimes, and we all deal with such things in different ways.  It's sobering stuff, this thread.  No more to say, except thoughts are with you all.

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I lost my brother who was also my best mate to cancer in March 2016, 9 months later my mum died of pneumonia, this was while I was going through a messy and prolonged divorce where I lost my house and had to take redundancy from a well paid job to get rid of the debts my ex wife left me with, but the death of my brother was the thing that hit me the hardest, it completely floored me and devastated me, he was like a lion, never once complained about what he was going through, never wished it on anyone else, and was more worried about other people than himself, it broke me having to go and see him while he was dying but I put on a brave face, hid the tears and went in cracking jokes and having a laugh with him, he talked about dying and it fucking almost crucified me when he was talking about it, but i think it was something he had to do, so he never saw me break, he was a Man City fan, since the early 70s when we were kids and with me being Liverpool there was plenty of banter, he died the week after we played City in the league cup final, that was the last game we ever watched together, he was drifting in and out of consciousness due to the drugs but still celebrated when City scored, before he died I wrote him a letter telling him how much I loved him and when it was his time to go he had to say hello to Elvis, John Lennon and Bruce Lee from me, and he said he would but I had to tell him the City scores whenever I went to his grave, which I do. 

The after affect is awful , like you're drowning and just get your breath back and another wave of grief crashes into you, I have no idea how I got through it, there's books that I read in the weeks and months after, and films I watched that I have no recollection of, I should have had counselling but I had no idea that it existed, time heals but every so often a song or a memory sneaks up and slaps you in the face, I must be made of stern stuff as I know of a couple of people that have committed suicide in my town just cos they split up from their wives/girlfriends.

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3 minutes ago, Carvalho Diablo said:

That's a sobering post and a half, both terrible and wonderful in equal measure.

Much respect liverbobs, thanks for sharing mate.

You're welcome mate, I could go on for a long time about it all but I'd only bore people!

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I lost my Sister in 2012 from Liver Cancer.

 

 

 

 

 

From her walking in to Hospital in Sheffield to her dying took just under 2 weeks.

 

To this day I still can't get my head around it and not a day goes by without me thinking about her.

Strangely though the memories from that fortnight are on the whole ok.

 

 

I had the chance to sit with her even though she was rapidly going downhill and I had a truly wonderful

day one Saturday with my entire family just talking to her and reminiscing even when the drugs took hold and she drifted off

to sleep.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The last time I spoke to her was as I was leaving to return home and she said not to forget she loved us all

I kissed her on the head, told her I loved her and went home to my wife and 2 boys

 

She died a day later as I was about to take my Mum back to the Hospital (We live in St Helens)

My dad rang and said "She's gone, take your time coming over"

 

 

 

Telling my 2 boys was the worst part, I sat with them and tried to explain that their aunty had been very ill and

Won't be coming home again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The oldest was 9 at the time and wanted to know what I meant, the youngest who was 7 just turned on his heels and

ran off, strange how he understood before the oldest?

 

 

 

Even though I was totally devastated by the whole thing I'm totally at peace too, as I had the chance to say goodbye and

tell her how much I loved her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I still have moments though, an occasional song on the radio or a certain smell will hit hard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grief is a strange one as its totally different to everyone, People I know and work with have all exhibited it in many

different ways from a total breakdown in front of me to barely a shrug of the shoulders .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Very Cathartic this, as it's the first time I've ever put this in writing even though I've found it relatively easy to discuss with people

And that is the thing really - Discuss it

 

 

 

 

 

It won't be easy and will have to be at your own pace but try and talk with someone, it does help.

 

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I think your body shuts down and opens up to let you deal with what you can deal with, so it’s different to the individual. Men an women tend to grieve differently, men compartmentalise and try to move on, women stay with the time until they can both move on.

 

I lost my first born son to meningitis when he was 9 months old. A few days after he died I got to feeling that I wasn’t feeling sad enough that he had died so I tried to make myself feel worse. I realised I was starting to ‘lose it’ and stopped trying to make myself feel worse and I came back, this is why I think your body regulates you as to what you can and can’t deal with.

 

I lost my mum to Alzheimer’s 3 years ago (2 years after diagnosis) and I was always terrified of losing her. I don’t know if it was because we started grieving while she was still here or that nothing could hurt me like losing my son.

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I’ve just sat and read the thread right through. They aren’t my stories but they are so affecting. It doesn’t feel like the time to respond to any of them individually but we say it time and again but putting these kinds of experiences down on here is one of the best things about this place. I picked up on those thoughts of wondering the purpose of putting some of those feelings down in print. I don’t know what you take from it but be sure that your thoughts and experiences are read by others and help in profound and long lasting ways as we all try to navigate the really big parts of our own lives.

 

Thank you and much love to you all

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My dad died a few years back. Was never sick in his life and never took a day off work and worked on the tools. Strong silent type. He woke up one night and felt sick - my mum rang me and said she’s had to ring and ambulance. His head was spinning and he was vomiting. The running joke with my dad was that he was never sick and was a strong, fit and healthy 54 year old man. They thought it was just a fever and kept him in over night. He slipped into a coma and was gone four days later. Something had happened in his neck with shot blood up into his brain. Apparently it happens to rugby payers when they take a big hit. 

 

Anyway, I was in work two weeks later acting the big man thinking that I was done with the grief and over his death. How wrong I was. I had what I would consider to be a nervous breakdown or some shit a few years later and I swear it was something to do with me bottling it up over losing my dad. I spoke to a few councillors and they reckon it was delayed grief. Came out of nowhere, I lost loads of weight and couldn’t sleep a wink for a few weeks. 

 

In answer to the question, I think it’s healhty to to grieve properly and process what’s happened. But I reckon we all deal with stuff out own ways. 

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Oh my this thread is hard.

I’ll try and say this briefly but it might ramble on.

We lost our 7 year old daughter to leukaemia in 2000. She was diagnosed and died within 2 weeks. I’ve no idea how we got through that. Our son had just turned 10 at the time and I guess we kept going for him.

I changed jobs after a year because although everyone was very nice I didn’t want to be ‘that lady who daughter died’

Ive had loads of managers in my new job and every time I get a new one I think that’s someone new to tell because I always have the anniversary and her birthday off work. I remember walking down the street a few days later and not understanding why everyone was going about their normal business when my world had collapsed.

 

 

Anyway today our son has presented us with our first grandchild, a boy so onwards and upwards.

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On 10/19/2018 at 10:53 AM, Carvalho Diablo said:

When we lose a loved one or a friend, what's it like to grieve? I mean really grieve ?

 

Is grief healthy? What forms  does it take and has it taken in your lives? Is there a "normal" period of time to grieve or can the mourning of a loved one last for decades?

Has anyone received any counseling to help them overcome the loss of a loved one? What advice would you give to someone who is struggling with loss?

Do any of you have anything which triggers your grief; thoughts, emotions, feelings of loss and despair?

 

Wondered if perhaps some of our own tales of coping and living with grief, perhaps even triumph over it, might inspire or comfort those amongst us who are having a shit time and going through it.

 

Thankyou fine people of the Mighty GF.

I dont want to say too much, but I lost my brother tragically and was not able to follow a natural grieving process on account of it happening 12,000 miles from me at the time, and I was broke with no ability to borrow. Hence I was alone as the family gathered to mourn and get everything sorted.

 

Lost my Dad just over 3 yrs ago and although it has been very painful, the whole process of the experience was more ritualistic - for me, this has been important. I spent much time with him for the 12 months of extreme illness before his passing, & I cared for him during his terminal event which was about a week long.

 

Mum and I organised and prepared the funeral, and we’ve given each other close attention & support in the 3 yrs since.

 

Like I say, it’s helped a heap, whereas in many ways I have still not accepted my Bro’s passing.

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On 10/20/2018 at 9:14 AM, SilverSong said:

 

There is no rulebook for grief but ultimately those of us left behind must carry on by whatever means.

Shared stories do help us fathom the depths of experience.

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On 10/20/2018 at 7:56 AM, Carvalho Diablo said:

Thanks everyone, for your concern and for your stories of your own losses and of how you've each managed your own grief.

 

I should say that I'm sound btw, haven't suffered any loss or bereavement recently, but I did watch a film about loss the other night, and that prompted my post.

The film was Peter Jackson's The Lovely Bones, and it really struck me about how in grief, how there are no rules, no right or wrong, how grieving is such an intensely personal and individual thing.

 

My nan dies in the June of 1999 and it hit me like a ton of bricks. After both my mother and my dad had (for different reasons) fucked off and left both me and my younger brother, it was my elderly maternal grandmother whooo gladly filled the vacuum and stepped in to bring us both up. Had she not done so, then we would have both been shipped off to some children's home.

 

As I watched that film though, my grief for my nan really struck me. I have missed her for every single day of the past 20 years, but rarely if ever have I ever spoken of my grief, my pain and sorrow to anyone. This cannot be healthy. Perhaps I should and maybe it's important for me to do so. Maybe this thread is the beginning of my catharsis and of a recovery of sorts.

 

In many respects I'm a very typical fella; I drink too much, bottle stuff up, repress my feelings, live in denial, put a brave face on, soldier on, and generally be an arsehole. After 20 odd years, maybe it's time to grasp thhe nettle, man up and sort my shit out?

 

Maybe.

 

Thanks to eveyone who's taken the time to reply to my OP, many of your posts have been both touching and moving. Much love back at ya.

Absolutely outstanding film. Jackson is always willing to go to deep places, and he is so capable of taking us all with him, so that we are forever different. Myth is a powerful thing, and a ritual is sometimes defined as ‘the enactment of a myth’

 

I personally use ritual to regularly and frequently, to tap myths that encompass the whole of life’s experience.

 

just as an aside, I dont seem to be able to ‘upvote’ posts. Is it because I don’t have a season ticket?

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Lost both my grandparents on my Mum’s side within a few months in the late eighties, both 65. I spent a lot of time with them, lived there for a lot of that time and as the eldest Grandchild so I was doted on as a child.

To this day I think about them and still get upset.

My advice would be this, I cannot give any. It has already been rightly mentioned on here that people cope differently, we’re not all wired the same.

 

God bless.

 

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A friend of mine, who did so, so much to help me recover my health at a time when things were extremely bleak, took his own life 2 years ago.

 

His wife didn’t want his young son to just walk in on things he’d never be able to forget and so a friend of ours picked him up, occupied him for the day away from the police, the ambulances and everything else and gave them some time to work out how to break the news.  Gave him one last day with the sense that what had been normal until then still would be.  His uncles travelled over immediately from abroad and they all told him together that evening, in the least worst way he could have discovered his childhood had irrevocably changed.

 

My friend called me and asked if I would come and spend the afternoon with them as it was cutting her to pieces doing it on her own, so I did.  We played football and stuff like that.  At one point when it was just he and I, he said to me “My Dad will be okay, won’t he Ben?”  How do you even begin to answer that question or reconcile the guilt you feel for not being honest with him, even though you know why you couldn’t.  I couldn’t even take my sunglasses off all day for fear of confirming the worst, so good job it was high summer.

 

Said mate’s oldest son had a daughter of his own today, a niece for the little lad, and I just got sent a picture of her.   A heartbreakingly beautiful picture.  I think mixed emotions best sums that feeling up.

 

Life certainly goes on and new things crop up, sometimes ones which would never have happened if other events had turned out differently, and we all just get on as best we can, taking the positives where they come.  Sometimes they lift you up, other times they level you.

 

In the immediate aftermath of a death it’s almost like we get a third eye for a while, you feel so much more connected to the people around you and everything seems more vital and meaningful.  It’s a shame that sense of pulling together and striving for something more can’t be bottled.  I’m a firm believer in everyone propping someone else up during that period rather than each focusing inwardly on themselves, and in my experience that way is about as well as it can be handled, but its very true that everyone reacts differently and it’s about whatever works for those involved.

 

Bit of a ramble but there’s no right or wrong answers is there.  Grief’s a hell of a thing.  Just have to keep on keeping on and embrace the good stuff when it comes by.  

 

 

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Still in shock a bit. Anyone who doesn't have a dog would find it hard to understand I know.

 

But she was my best pal. Mrs son drove us to get her cremated as I was in bits. She'd died at side of the bed where she normally slept I wrapped her in a blanket and carried her down.

 

Grandson just asked where she was, he's only 4 so he's been told she's gone to play with her friend max (our dog who died the other year).

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15 minutes ago, littletedwest said:

Still in shock a bit. Anyone who doesn't have a dog would find it hard to understand I know.

 

But she was my best pal. Mrs son drove us to get her cremated as I was in bits. She'd died at side of the bed where she normally slept I wrapped her in a blanket and carried her down.

 

Grandson just asked where she was, he's only 4 so he's been told she's gone to play with her friend max (our dog who died the other year).

Horrible news that, pal. 

 

We used to have a guinea pig and we went on holiday for two weeks leaving her with the misses parents. On the day we came back she developed a neurological condition and had to be put down. The misses was in bits and there I was driving it to the vets and back talking to it like I was a fucking paramedic. It sounds silly when you compare it to some of the stories posted in here but it's a terrible experience none the less. 

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