Awkward sex / dates

[Dr Nowt]

 

And that was just the one for her jacksie.

[Bjornebye]

fucking hell Ben, I pictured Hindley in my head and shore enough, she is the spitting image of that cunt off BBC Breakfast (I dont know her name, I just call her jaws)

 

anyone onto who I mean?

 

[Trumo]

There was a girl at school who was rumoured to have frigged herself off with a can of Mum deodorant, only to get caught by her mum. Back then, cans of Mum looked like dildos. Maybe they still do, I don't know. As with all stories of this nature, it went all Chinese Whispers until the finally agreed upon version was that it was her mum who'd frigged her off. I don't know how a story like that would even get out if it was true, and it has nothing to do with awkward sex or dates, but Colin's story reminded me of it.

[Bogman]

fucking hell Ben, I pictured Hindley in my head and shore enough, she is the spitting image of that cunt off BBC Breakfast (I dont know her name, I just call her jaws)

 

anyone onto who I mean?

 

 

 

Stephanie something on the business bit?

[Dr Nowt]

fucking hell Ben, I pictured Hindley in my head and shore enough, she is the spitting image of that cunt off BBC Breakfast (I dont know her name, I just call her jaws)

 

anyone onto who I mean?

 

 

Still harrowing to look at her.  Hindley's prettier.

[lifetime fan]

A mate of mine lost his dad fairly young, at the wake he got absolutely smashed on cider and port & lemon.

 

We all go back to his his from the pub for a few more beers and Rich passes out on the sofa. There's me, Rich, his hot sister, his cousin and her husband.

 

About 2 in the morning his cousin tries waking Rich up and says she thinks it's time for bed, without even opening his eyes he says: 'too right, I've wanted to fuck you for years'.

 

The room is then silent apart from me dying in the corner with laughter.

[Dr Nowt]

Lass I know shagged someone round the back of a nightclub we used to frequent, in the 'Goods in' area.

 

Not awkward or owt, but a pleasing combination all the same.

[Dr Nowt]

A mate of mine lost his dad fairly young, at the wake he got absolutely smashed on cider and port & lemon.

 

We all go back to his his from the pub for a few more beers and Rich passes out on the sofa. There's me, Rich, his hot sister, his cousin and her husband.

 

About 2 in the morning his cousin tries waking Rich up and says she thinks it's time for bed, without even opening his eyes he says: 'too right, I've wanted to fuck you for years'.

 

The room is then silent apart from me dying in the corner with laughter.

 

That's beautiful.

[Sugar Ape]

This is the best sex story that's ever been posted on here.

 

http://www.liverpoolway.co.uk/index.php?/topic/50088-one-night-stands/page-5&do=findComment&comment=920410

 

 

Long time ago before I was married me & a mate copped off with 2 girls from Widnes & ended up getting a cab back to one of their houses ( after a discussion about the gains involved versus the cab fare involved ). Once settled , my mate went upstairs with his girl & I got involved on the downstairs couch with mine.

About 2 hours later I was awoken from a doze ( after a massively impressive performance obviously ) by my mate looking a bit shaken & saying we needed to get off.

As we cleared off he let me know the problem. He said they laid down on the bed & everything had being going fine & then the girl had then stood up by the side of the bed & started a striptease. He sat back for the performance as the shoes came off , the blouse came off , the bra came off , the trousers came off , a bit of fumbling and then her right leg came off.

He hadn't a clue what to do & she hadn't mentioned having a prosthetic limb. She gets back on the bed as if it was the most usual thing in the world. He'd lost the urge but not wanting her to think he was a bastard , he did the dirty deed & then again before she had finally fallen asleep.

We got a cab & he sat almost catatonic in the back , his only utterance being
' I thought she was a shit dancer '.

To add insult to injury our pooled money only got us to town & we had to walk to Walton & Croxteth respectively.

 

[Dr Nowt]

"And then her right leg came off", the best album title there never was.

[Bjornebye]

This is the best sex story that's ever been posted on here.

 

http://www.liverpoolway.co.uk/index.php?/topic/50088-one-night-stands/page-5&do=findComment&comment=920410

Im walking the dog and read that as some fellow dog walkers approached, i nearly stopped reading because I knew what would happen. Anyway they just walked past a man nearly in tears with laughter wondering what the fuck could be so funny. This is a nice area and all. If only the knew.

 

Brilliant.

[AL66GOLF]

Even though I read it before still pissing myself.

[Unrighteous]

Can't remember if I posted this before or not.

 

Still up Bank Holiday Monday lunchtime from a bender the day before some years ago now, when a bird a couple of my other mates had put away turned up where we were continuing to damage ourselves.  I should disclose that I had previously taken the piss out of both of them for doing so, on the basis I thought she looked like a cross between Princess Di and Myra Hindley, with the Moors Murderess' influence accounting for around 80% of the split.

 

Was always completely dismissive of her as she was a pathological bullshitter, and so a little surprised when someone tried the bathroom door as I was having a piss, and my "I'll be out in a minute" was responded to with "Good, just checking it was you."  Assumed she hoped I had some beak on me, but it transpired she was keen to give me what I will forever know for posterity as "the pissy cock nosh".  Quite a game girl, to say the least. 

 

Anyway, my mate shared the place with a going-through-a-divorce lad we know, and shortly afterwards one of his young children got most of the way into the bathroom door before I managed to wedge it shut and sort of save his innocence with a staggering, stupefied backheel, while trying to maintain my stream of piss and jism at her and the toilet like a push-me-pull-you, and had to call for his Dad to come and get him to give me a minute, while I re-arranged things and escorted her back out with as much dignity as possible; not much, oddly enough.  Fair to say a few apologies were passed on to him.

 

Upstairs she indicated she was on and therefore we wouldn't be able to proceed, however in an inspired split-second calculation I simply worked out anyone dirty enough to lap at piss would be ripe for bumming, and Bob's your uncle, Myra's your Aunty, off we went.  After plugging away forlornly for ages with the most blunt of instruments, and precisely zero chance of going off again, I finally slid off her in hysterics when she looked back over her shoulder at me doe-eyed, and quite sincerely piped up "I never normally let blokes do this, you know". 

 

How I enjoyed my mate's strangled cries the next day when he asked me if I nailed her, and when I said I had looked confused, replying, "But where, the only room upstairs is mi....oh fuck off, mate, you didn't did you?" 

 

"Yeah, its better than that though.  I bummed her on your favourite green bedspread."

 

"YOU FUCKING CUNT."

 

Fair to say no apologies were passed on to him.

 

This is why this thread is going epic Dogfucker style.  Brilliant.

[Dr Nowt]

This is why this thread is going epic Dogfucker style.  Brilliant.

This girl was a piece of work like no other.

 

After the sorry incident in question, when he'd stopped rinsing me for being such a pathetic hypocrite, my mate and I compared notes. He told me she used to use the webcam on her brothers PC when her family were downstairs; he'd be sat at his desk watching her dildoing herself in the bum and all

manner of heinous activity, every now and then saying "Hang on, my Mum's coming upstairs calling me."

 

My favourite story where she's concerned though, is that same mate years later hung out with another crowd she moved into, one of whom was quite the wideboy. Apparently she has horrible feet*, and he told her outright they were fucking rank and he'd only do the deed if she put some socks on, so as they weren't visible to him at any stage. She put the socks on and off they went. Stuff of legend that, a girl who really does need her fix of penis and romance be damned. She receives full commendation from this office.

 

* Clearly there was no danger of me seeing her feet, the amount of her body I saw other than hands and face must have been letterbox-sized.

[Unrighteous]

This girl was a piece of work like no other.

 

After the sorry incident in question, when he'd stopped rinsing me for being such a pathetic hypocrite, my mate and I compared notes. He told me she used to use the webcam on her brothers PC when her family were downstairs; he'd be sat at his desk watching her dildoing herself in the bum and all

manner of heinous activity, every now and then saying "Hang on, my Mum's coming upstairs calling me."

 

My favourite story where she's concerned though, is that same mate years later hung out with another crowd she moved into, one of whom was quite the wideboy. Apparently she has horrible feet*, and he told her outright they were fucking rank and he'd only do the deed if she put some socks on, so as they weren't visible to him at any stage. She put the socks on and off they went. Stuff of legend that, a girl who really does need her fix of penis and romance be damned. She receives full commendation from this office.

 

* Clearly there was no danger of me seeing her feet, the amount of her body I saw other than hands and face must have been letterbox-sized.

 

Hahaha... wtf

 

I remember a couple of time I had a few heinous units in Liverpool try to have one on... I was in Walkabout with this Irish fella called John (go figure, the most common Irish name ever?)   He was also pretty tall, muscular, and ginger as well.  This old munter walked up to us and started grabbing for our cocks and wanted a trio.  We were pissed enough to consider it, but she was fucking foul enough to rule it out.  

 

That said? When she came back 'round and wanted a solo action, (apparently she asked both of us) we both strongly considered it, as she wanted to head to the stall in the ladies. 

 

We compared notes a few days later, on what the fuck happened that night, and both of us were like, "I'm glad I didn't shag fucking old tart.  She was rough."

 

However, we both said it and had a moment of introspection like, "I wonder if she was a fucking amazing shag.  Damn."

 

We, of course, shared that moment without words.

 

The other was a fucking rotter i saw on Slater street.  She grabbed me and was like blankly staring at me saying, "'ey lad, give us a fuck?"

 

I was like, "What in the actual fuck?"

and she kinda gurgled and replied, "I'm a bit drunk and I need a place to crash... Spunk me, alright?"

 

She was fucking foul, so I had to decline.   I don't regret it, but I reckon she musta been an absolute goer.

[Dr Nowt]

Hahaha... wtf

 

I remember a couple of time I had a few heinous units in Liverpool try to have one on... I was in Walkabout with this Irish fella called John (go figure, the most common Irish name ever?) He was also pretty tall, muscular, and ginger as well. This old munter walked up to us and started grabbing for our cocks and wanted a trio. We were pissed enough to consider it, but she was fucking foul enough to rule it out.

 

That said? When she came back 'round and wanted a solo action, (apparently she asked both of us) we both strongly considered it, as she wanted to head to the stall in the ladies.

 

We compared notes a few days later, on what the fuck happened that night, and both of us were like, "I'm glad I didn't shag fucking old tart. She was rough."

 

However, we both said it and had a moment of introspection like, "I wonder if she was a fucking amazing shag. Damn."

 

We, of course, shared that moment without words.

 

The other was a fucking rotter i saw on Slater street. She grabbed me and was like blankly staring at me saying, "'ey lad, give us a fuck?"

 

I was like, "What in the actual fuck?"

and she kinda gurgled and replied, "I'm a bit drunk and I need a place to crash... Spunk me, alright?"

 

She was fucking foul, so I had to decline. I don't regret it, but I reckon she musta been an absolute goer.

Hahaha!

 

Those are the moments, where your stomach deprives you of a comedy memory for the ages.

 

First trip to Amsterdam at 20 when the red-light was sprawling and there were whole streets for each race, creed and preference in some places, we walked past fit black girl after fit black girl until suddenly a huge one came running down the road after me, pointing and screaming "You, you can fuck me for free, come on, come back."

 

We'd got off the plane and just sat smoking and smoking weed in the first place we could find before venturing down there. She was way in excess of twenty stone and you might have to Google her, but looked like Rusty Lee. My skinny little terrified ass couldn't have got out of there quickly enough. Nowadays I realise I had in my hands and threw away a most hilarious story.

 

(Thank fuck!)

[lifetime fan]

Hahaha!

 

Those are the moments, where your stomach deprives you of a comedy memory for the ages.

 

First trip to Amsterdam at 20 when the red-light was sprawling and there were whole streets for each race, creed and preference in some places, we walked past fit black girl after fit black girl until suddenly a huge one came running down the road after me, pointing and screaming "You, you can fuck me for free, come on, come back."

 

We'd got off the plane and just sat smoking and smoking weed in the first place we could find before venturing down there. She was way in excess of twenty stone and you might have to Google her, but looked like Rusty Lee. My skinny little terrified ass couldn't have got out of there quickly enough. Nowadays I realise I had in my hands and threw away a most hilarious story.

 

(Thank fuck!)

 

Brilliant.

[Unrighteous]

Christ.  I've run out of rep for one day.  Fucking rep system.

[Paisley Red]

Not exactly a sex story but a mate of mine told a crowd of us this the other week ... He has a pretty fit woman living next door and was always telling us how he could often hear her having loud passionate morning sex through the wall; she apparently "screamed the walls down". My mate's usual response to this was to crack one off in his room, just a few feet away (with a wall inbetween them). A few weeks ago he's just about to leave for work when he hears wild moans and groans from next door. The snoises make him so horny that he heads back to bed for a wank. Once finished he heads out the door; gets a few yards down the street then hears the same moaning sounds, this time much louder and clearer. He looks back at his house and sees a seagull on the roof; quickly realises he's been tossing himself off to the sound of a screeching seagull for months. Idiot!

[Dr Nowt]

He must have thought he lived next door to a horny banshee to make that mistake!

 

As it goes, I used to nail a lass I called the seagull due to her fucking mingebag, scavenging ways. We used to be up all hours getting caned and pumping away, and it obviously kept the guy downstairs awake.

 

Got a phone call from my frightened flatmate one early evening, saying he opened the flat front door after its interior bell went off and next thing he knew the guy marauded into the flat and pinned him to the wall by his throat screaming blue murder for the constant disturbance.

 

He didn't have a clue what was going on or what the guy was even talking about as he slept like a log and never heard us.

[stringvest]

I do remember after one evening ending up in some dodgy house in Warrington my mate drew the short straw so while I took this young lady to the bedroom to ruin her my mate ended up having to do a lot of hard work to get this other lady hot and ready for sexy love.  They started snogging at this little tiny table in the kitchen, and he ended up wrestling her to the ground and fumbling around with her in the dogs basket.  Once my 10 minutes of red hot love action were up, I left the girl gasping for breath and drowning in her own fluids, got up and went to the kitchen for a glass of water and all I could see was a pair of knees and my mates arse between them going ten to the dozen, while a golden labrador rimmed him enthusiastically. 

[AL66GOLF]

Could that be called a threesome Stringy?

[stringvest]

It was certainly an arrangement that all three were happy with.  There was always the danger that the dog may have mounted my mate, but he was happy to take the risk.  

[Paulie Dangerously]

Me and my missus were having a bit after a night out and suddenly I thought 'what's she doing to my toes?' it was my Greyhound Stan licking them.

 

He thinks he's people

[Dr Nowt]

It was certainly an arrangement that all three were happy with. There was always the danger that the dog may have mounted my mate, but he was happy to take the risk.

If your mate was Stronts, then that's one risk-taking Labrador.