LFC match report template

[The 5th Benitel]

Depressingly accurate.

 

 

 

Reds games followed a strangely familiar pattern this season

May 12 2010 by Andy Proudfoot, Liverpool Daily Post

 

EVER wondered how morning newspapers produce those detailed match reports?

 

Well, Red Watch can now reveal one of the most closely guarded tricks of the trade: football journalists often use pre-written templates that help them to craft the report in advance of the game actually being played. Sound ridiculous? Then take a look at the sample reproduced below.

 

Team line-ups: Set out in 4-2-3-1 formation (it won’t change, regardless of opposition). Insert Lucas plus 10 others as announced.

 

First 15 minutes: Liverpool establish easy ‘control’.

 

20 Minutes: Reina rolls out ball to Agger. Liverpool string 25 passes. Agger returns ball to Reina.

 

20-35 minutes: Liverpool enjoying lion’s share of possession, but running out of ideas in last third (Note: if Torres playing, add in three goals).

 

40 minutes: (Insert name of average winger) skins Insua, hammers in low cross to forward drifting in unmarked at far post to score.

 

45 minutes: Lucas concedes needless foul. Resultant free-kick drops into wrong ‘zone’ and unmarked forward heads goalwards. Reina brings off astonishing save.

 

Half-time summary: Liverpool strangely lacklustre, need to step up the pace if going to record first away win since August/Christmas/Everton.

 

46-48 minutes: Period of blistering attacking play by Liverpool. Kuyt scuffs shot straight at keeper.

 

48-60 minutes: Game settles into familiar pattern. Fans ask Carragher to keep his voice down – people are trying to sleep.

 

60 minutes: Babel comes off/on, after/before ineffectual performance.

 

65 minutes: Opposition winger needs sleeves taking up after constant tugging by Insua. Returns to float in harmless cross that finds forward unmarked. Reina pulls off astonishing save.

 

70 minutes: Liverpool need something different up front. Benitez brings on Aurelio. Substitute board refuses to accept number 21 so Lucas stays on, Benayoun goes off.

 

88 minutes: Benitez brings on Pacheco. Aquilani off with suspected bruised cuticle.

 

90+ minutes: Liverpool finally click into gear, laying siege to the opposition goal. Gerrard hits woodwork five times. Opposition break away, three onto one; Reina pulls off astonishing save.

 

95 minutes: Final whistle goes. Liverpool players look dejected. Wave appreciation to the backs of hordes of Reds fans trooping out of the ground.

 

After-match comment from Benitez: “We had control, we had chances, they played on the counter-attack, we will still finish fourth.”

 

Still sceptical? Thought not.

[Kevin D]

Of our last 100 games, about 75 fit that pattern. Let noone say we lack consistency.

[zigackly]

"88 minutes: Benitez brings on Pacheco. Aquilani off with suspected bruised cuticle."

 

This bit is obviously incorrect as Aquilani is not even on the bench. Also it's El Zhar, not Pacheco.

 

Otherwise brilliant. If next season is like this one I can just give that a quick read twice a week instead of putting myself through the torture.