Joke!

[stringvest]

Two flies sitting on a turd. One says to the other 'ain't seen you for a while. Have you been on the sick?'

[Chippy]

Man & his wife at a wedding & there's a bloke out on the floor on his todd dancing away having the time of his life.

 

The wife say to the husband "See him over there. He asked me to marry him 20 years ago. I turned him down"

 

The husband says "Looks like he's still fuckin celebrating!"

[halewood pete]

My wife said switching off her mothers life support machine was the most difficult thing she has ever had to do.

 

Shes's obviously never tried sneezing while holding two full pints.

[halewood pete]

Chelsea have been refused planning permission for a statue of Didier Drogba outside stamford bridge,due to concerns it may fall over.

[halewood pete]

ive just seen a Manc with three lions on his chest,

Knowsley safari park is ace !

[brucespanner]

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation, he said it must be very stressful for your wife. I said, to be perfectly honest it's getting on her tits.

[brucespanner]

Japanese couple having an argument:

 

Husband: Sukitaki!

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says:Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

 

Wife, on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: kina tim kouji!

 

Look at you, sitting there reading this as if you understand Japanese.

You daft fucker!!

[Trumo]

A guy is lost in the desert. All he has is a camel. He wants to fuck badly. He tries to mount the camel but when he is almost in, the camel suddenly walks away. The guy tries again and again with the same result.

 

One day a plane crashes in that desert. The guy rushes there and all he can rescue is a beautiful young woman. He gives her food and water and she says gratefully, "I will do anything for you for saving my life, just name it."

 

The guy turns to her and says, "Hold the camel still."

 

---

 

A man comes home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

 

"Just where the hell do you think you're going?", asks the man.

 

"I'm going to Las Vegas", says the wife, "I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!"

 

The man says, "Wait a minute!", and runs inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

 

"And where the hell are YOU going?", asks the wife.

 

The man says, "I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!"

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Two flies sitting on a turd. One says to the other 'ain't seen you for a while. Have you been on the sick?'

Another fly comes over and says "Is this stool taken?"

 

Then the first fly starts picking his nose. The second one says "D'you mind? I'm eating!"

[brucespanner]

Best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygeine...

 

But that everybody walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

This morning I saw a lost gardener, looking forlorn.

[halewood pete]

Just been to Tescos with the wife and out of the blue she says'you are one big lazy cunt'

 

Well,I nearly fell out the trolley !

[md1892]

I've just become a Professor of Palindromes.

 

I'm now known as Dr. Awkward.

[Alan Sex]

Cum on guys, gay jokes aren't funny.

[RedBrian84]

Turns out I'm addicted to brake fluid. I can stop any time though.

[thesouthafrican]

I was watching the Euros last night and I thought some cunt had brought one of those vuvuzelas into the stadium.

 

Turns out it was my wife telling me all about her day at work.

[stringvest]

They were interviewing Danny Wellbeck's dad on the sports news today. Interesting bloke, he works for the bomb disposal service. His first name's Stan.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

They were interviewing Danny Wellbeck's dad on the sports news today. Interesting bloke, he works for the bomb disposal service. His first name's Stan.

 

Speaking of Stans how is Mr boardman Stringy ?

[Sheeks]

there was a serious fire in a french cheese factory yesterday, apparently all that was left was the brie

[stringvest]

Speaking of Stans how is Mr boardman Stringy ?

 

Haven't seen him for a while. He's still in Poland shouting at random German supporters for bombing his chippy.

[Mak46137]

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might actually be the "one", but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurses outfit, a french maid's outfit, and a police woman's uniform he finally decided that if she cant hold down a fucking job she's not for him!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

What do you call a police woman who shaved her fanny last week?

 

Cuntstubble.

[Guest davelfc]

I'm in the semi-finals of the 'Sideways Glance Champion of 2012' competition next week.

 

I'm not looking forward to it.

[Magic Sponge]

7 Englishmen & an Irishman in a rape line up...

 

The victim walks in & Paddy steps forward & shouts 'Thats her, the miserable cunt!

[Guest davelfc]

The wife left a note on the telly for me. It said 'It's not working, I'm leaving....'

I plugged it in, turned it on, watched the f**tb*ll, fuck all wrong with it.....