Joke!

[Reacher]

*something about smashing someone's back doors in*

 

An oldie for you peeps now...

 

A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow ' date=' worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

 

The Doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet?

 

The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home pished, he threatens to slap me aroon'."

 

The Doctor says: "Aye, wel l... I have a real good cure for that.

When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.

Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is

sound asleep."

 

Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

She says: "Doctor that was effin brilliant!

Evrae time ma hubbie came home pished, I swished with water.

I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once!

 

Tell me Doc...wha's the secret? How does the water do that?"

 

The Doctor says: "Janet hen, it's really nae big secret.

The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."[/quote']

 

Amazing.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

There's definitely a fucking echo in here

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Russian dolls are so full of themselves.

[Guest davelfc]

Russian dolls are so full of themselves.

 

I used a company called Russian Doll for my insurance. I'm now covered for 'Home and contents, contents, contents, contents, contents……."

[Guest davelfc]

Ladies, if a man says he will fix, he will.

There is no need to remind him every six months about it.

[Guest Pistonbroke]

John Terry tried to put the racism trial behind him by taking his family to the zoo.

 

"Come here, kids," he said, pointing through the glass. "Look at that monkey! Ooh ooh ooh!"

 

The whole family laughed, before Terry pulled his wallet out and said, "Sorry, mate. Two adults and two children, please."

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Some claim filling animals with helium is wrong. I say, whatever floats your goat.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!

[Guest Pistonbroke]

The BBC have announced that Bob The Builder has been sacked.

 

They can no longer trust any children's TV star who claims they can fix it.

[halewood pete]

I wish everyone would stop critsizing jimmy savile.

when i was 8,he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded

[stringvest]

I wish everyone would stop critsizing jimmy savile.

when i was 8' date='he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded[/quote']

 

Very good Pete

[Guest The Big Green Bastard]

What do they do with dead chemists?

They Barium.

 

Say the next four words out loud: Whale, oil, beef, hooked.

Congratulations, you are now Irish.

 

My birthday today! woke up, full cooked breakfast in bed and then a blowjob for afters.

Fuckin' top bloke, my dad!

 

There are about 20 members at my epilepsy awareness meetings now.

We only have a little room but we all fit in there nicely.

[halewood pete]

As the 70'sBBC sex scandal worsens,it now emerges that Basil Brushes catch phrase "bum bum" was in fact a cry for help !

[AngryOfTuebrook]

What do you call a lesbian in Oz?

 

A carpet munchkin.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I wish everyone would stop critsizing jimmy savile.

when i was 8,he fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded

 

[YOUTUBE]A9yJUOdVyUc[/YOUTUBE]

[stringvest]

ooof! fucking hell fire!

[AngryOfTuebrook]

If someone asks you to spell "Part A" backwards, don't do it. It's a trap.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

I've just heard the window cleaner shouting and swearing outside my house. I think he's lost his rag.

[md1892]

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

[md1892]

My grandfather developed cancer when he was younger.

 

Some say he's the most evil scientist who ever lived.

[brucespanner]

Some kids stopped me out side the shop earlier and said, "Hey mate, will you go in there and get us ten Richmond super?"

 

"Sure I will." I replied taking their money.

 

On the way out I gave them their sausages and informed them they only come in packs of eight.

[md1892]

[AngryOfTuebrook]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

[Chip Butty]

The youngest asked me today if it's true Everton have 20 points. I said yes lad.

So he asked me if he can have his Easter eggs.

[Remmie]

Get him