Divorce - pros & cons?

[VERBAL DIARRHEA]

Things will get better mate, they did for me, all I can suggest is keep yourself busy and spend a lot of time with the kids if you can.

For about a year my life was a recurring Jeremy Kyle episode after having not had an issue. It will get better.

[Lario]

Struggling to cope here. This shit has hit me so hard. All hope I had of somehow getting back together, even after nearly 2 years apart, has now gone and it feels there's no way forward. Every single thought and image of her and him being together is going round in my head on a loop and I can't seem to switch it off. It fucking hurts and I fucking hate it! I can't believe she can do this to me and find it so easy to move on, knowing what she is doing to me. How can someone not care after so long together? We have two children together so there's not even an escape from me seeing her or having to be in contact with her.

I have family, friends and support around me but I feel completely alone, without hope, without a future. I just want to close my eyes and wake up when this is all over. I need to find some strength from somewhere, I just don't know where.

 

( sorry for the indulgence)

 

That's like I wrote it, only I wouldn't have the bottle too.

[s(k)aturation]

Struggling to cope here. This shit has hit me so hard. All hope I had of somehow getting back together, even after nearly 2 years apart, has now gone and it feels there's no way forward. Every single thought and image of her and him being together is going round in my head on a loop and I can't seem to switch it off. It fucking hurts and I fucking hate it! I can't believe she can do this to me and find it so easy to move on, knowing what she is doing to me. How can someone not care after so long together? We have two children together so there's not even an escape from me seeing her or having to be in contact with her.

I have family, friends and support around me but I feel completely alone, without hope, without a future. I just want to close my eyes and wake up when this is all over. I need to find some strength from somewhere, I just don't know where.

 

( sorry for the indulgence)

 

 

Judging by the position you mentioned she put your 12-year-old daughter in... your ex doesn't have much regard for your entire family unit, mate.

With someone as holistically uncaring and selfish as she appears to be, you have to try to be strong and ask yourself whether someone like that deserves your love, your hate, your sadness.

I'll answer it for you.  She doesn't deserve your wasting emotions on her.

You, your children are above that.

I hope that time, sooner rather than later, will allow you to clearly see your moral and ethical innocence and superiority over her.

You deserve better.  Much better.

That's probably crystal clear to people like your daughter, other loved ones and friends.

But you need to believe it.

It's the truth, so I hope it dawns on you and you embrace it.

Good luck with it, mate.

[Jairzinho]

It's not indulgent mate and hopefully a little cathartic at least. I wish I had the words or capacity to help here but I just don't, sorry. All I can say is that you seem a really good lad and that I really hope there's someone in future who will appreciate that. As hard as it is, you need to forget about what's gone on. No one who hurts you is worthy of your  emotions. Put that energy into improving you. Gym, hobbies, new language, saving up for a boss holiday away from it all, whatever... We're all mad, disparate cunts on here, the vast majority of whom have and never will meet, but regardless I still reckon we care for one another in our own, weird and wonderful ways and you'll have the support and sympathy of all of us. It's not the same I know, but you're not alone mate.

 

Definitely this.

[Joe Strummer]

Take your mind off it and enjoy yourself with the six birds.

[Champ]

Less of the 'improving' and more of the focussing your energies on your own and your kids' interests, Jenson.

 

Are you in touch with Relate or similar? It might help to talk to people who can support and advise you through what you are currently experiencing.

[moof]

What Alex (the chimp) said.

 

It's perfectly natural and understandable to feel the sting, when you've put in so much time and love into a relationship, and building a family, it fucking hurts real bad when that person wrongs you. It's important to recognise that hurt, but not let it consume you. After all, only she is in control of her actions, and only you are in control of how those actions affect you.

 

You're an academic, so chances are you try to tackle problems with logic - well, sometimes there's no logical explanation for why people do the things they do, you just have to accept it and let go. Life goes on and so must you.

 

Use it as a chance to study, to reshape your worldview. Last time I went through a bad breakup; though not comparable to your situation; I studied the philosophy of stoicism, it helped me understand that emotions come from inside you, not from any external event, and only you have the power to keep those emotions in check.

 

Take up a regular yoga and meditation practice, excercise more, get in and around nature, swim, hike, spend time with your girls. Life is so rich and full of incredible experiences, never forget it. And for sure, grief is also a part of that, but don't let it turn to bitterness. Move forward in the knowledge that you are a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser than yesterday.

 

Life is great, you're great. The ex, not so much, but in the cold light of day, she will always have to live with her actions. You can live with a clear conscience and a clear heart.

[s(k)aturation]

What Alex (the chimp) said.

 

It's perfectly natural and understandable to feel the sting, when you've put in so much time and love into a relationship, and building a family, it fucking hurts real bad when that person wrongs you. It's important to recognise that hurt, but not let it consume you. After all, only she is in control of her actions, and only you are in control of how those actions affect you.

 

You're an academic, so chances are you try to tackle problems with logic - well, sometimes there's no logical explanation for why people do the things they do, you just have to accept it and let go. Life goes on and so must you.

 

Use it as a chance to study, to reshape your worldview. Last time I went through a bad breakup; though not comparable to your situation; I studied the philosophy of stoicism, it helped me understand that emotions come from inside you, not from any external event, and only you have the power to keep those emotions in check.

 

Take up a regular yoga and meditation practice, excercise more, get in and around nature, swim, hike, spend time with your girls. Life is so rich and full of incredible experiences, never forget it. And for sure, grief is also a part of that, but don't let it turn to bitterness. Move forward in the knowledge that you are a little bit stronger, a little bit wiser than yesterday.

 

Life is great, you're great. The ex, not so much, but in the cold light of day, she will always have to live with her actions. You can live with a clear conscience and a clear heart.

 

 

My Mum's a big fan.  

Has helped her at times through 35 years alone, among other things.

[Jenson]

You know, I have a life, I have good mates, I'm not on my own very often, I play football, I'm going on a lads skiing holiday next year and I've got my kids. I know all this, I know I'm lucky to have all that and I know I should be thankful.

 

But at the moment I can't see past the pain and the despair that I now realise everything we ever had is gone, and is never coming back. It was horrible for me when she left but this is worse, the hope has gone. She's now chosen to be with someone else and I can't pretend that doesn't fucking hurt me. She was not just my wife, she was my best friend and now it seems I hardly know her at all.

I know I've been out with other women since she left but none of that was serious, that was a coping mechanism. This is someone she's introduced my kids to, this is someone she has moved into her house, this is completely different. It's the end of something I thought would never end.

 

She tells me our marriage was toxic at the end. I don't see it that way. If it was toxic for her it's because that's how she wanted to see it. I remember the good things about our marriage, how happy we once were, the memories we made and our vision of our future. She remembers the bad. I'm not innocent in the breakdown of our marriage, we both made mistakes. She drove it to its conclusion though and I get the blame and heartbreak while she gets the new life.

 

My friends and family do see her in a different way to me, they tell me I'm better off where I am now and that I do have a future. I'm trying so hard to believe that.

[moof]

My Mum's a big fan.

Has helped her at times through 35 years alone, among other things.

It really changed my world. Helped me to truly know and love myself, and after that the rest comes easy.

[the chimp]

Less of the 'improving' and more of the focussing your energies on your own and your kids' interests, Jenson.

 

 

 

That is improving oneself surely given that that isn't happening now. Anyway... Best of luck Jenson. You can see via the thread, a lot of people think a lot about you mate.

[Pureblood]

You know, I have a life, I have good mates, I'm not on my own very often, I play football, I'm going on a lads skiing holiday next year and I've got my kids. I know all this, I know I'm lucky to have all that and I know I should be thankful.

 

But at the moment I can't see past the pain and the despair that I now realise everything we ever had is gone, and is never coming back. It was horrible for me when she left but this is worse, the hope has gone. She's now chosen to be with someone else and I can't pretend that doesn't fucking hurt me. She was not just my wife, she was my best friend and now it seems I hardly know her at all.

I know I've been out with other women since she left but none of that was serious, that was a coping mechanism. This is someone she's introduced my kids to, this is someone she has moved into her house, this is completely different. It's the end of something I thought would never end.

 

She tells me our marriage was toxic at the end. I don't see it that way. If it was toxic for her it's because that's how she wanted to see it. I remember the good things about our marriage, how happy we once were, the memories we made and our vision of our future. She remembers the bad. I'm not innocent in the breakdown of our marriage, we both made mistakes. She drove it to its conclusion though and I get the blame and heartbreak while she gets the new life.

 

My friends and family do see her in a different way to me, they tell me I'm better off where I am now and that I do have a future. I'm trying so hard to believe that.

One day she will trade in her new model for something else.

[s(k)aturation]

... and she might even ask for the old one back.

 

Which will hopefully be lovingly in the possession of someone else by then.

[VERBAL DIARRHEA]

My ex initially went with an older bloke, and I mean older, then someone a few years older, then married some crank who has put her in hospital twice.

 

The second she got with someone else there was never any coming back. She barely bothered with the kids anyway, and soon after had nothing to do with them. No presents, cards or maintenance not that I needed it but I would have give it straight to the kids.

 

Neither bother with her now, haven't for years.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

If you don't mind me asking Jenson, what are your arrangements regarding seeing you children? Sorry if it's too personal or already been posted.

[Chairman Meow]

Pros : You won't be married anymore.

 

Cons: You'll still remember that you were stupid enough to get married in the first place. 

[Champ]

That is improving oneself surely given that that isn't happening now. Anyway... Best of luck Jenson. You can see via the thread, a lot of people think a lot about you mate.

Maybe I misunderstood you. The 'improving' suggested negative connotations for me. Something about if he'd been 'better' this wouldn't have happened.

 

I was looking to put it more in terms, as others have suggested, trying to move the focus away from something, that for the time being at least, can't be fixed and instead put your energies into things that do make you feel good and that you do have some control over

[deiseach]

Pros : You won't be married anymore.

 

Cons: You'll still remember that you were stupid enough to get married in the first place.

That seems a little unhelpful (edit: in the context of Jenson's posts). A good marriage is a wonderful thing, which makes it all the more painful when it unravels, particularly when one party still has the good part in their heart.

[Jenson]

An extra kick in the face is that I know him. He's a fucking boy of 22, her sisters stepson and we've known him since he was about 14. I've been traded in for that.

I know there is no blood relationship, but you've now got a father and son going out with twin sisters, one 14 years younger and one 14 years older. Can none of them see how fucked up that is??! It just makes me want to scream.

 

 

Re: my kids. They stay over at mine twice a week. It's an informal arrangement but there have been no problems regarding that to be fair to her.

[moof]

An extra kick in the face is that I know him. He's a fucking boy of 22, her sisters stepson and we've known him since he was about 14. I've been traded in for that.

I know there is no blood relationship, but you've now got a father and son going out with twin sisters, one 14 years younger and one 14 years older. Can none of them see how fucked up that is??! It just makes me want to scream.

 

 

Re: my kids. They stay over at mine twice a week. It's an informal arrangement but there have been no problems regarding that to be fair to her.

You'll laugh about it in years to come, mate. It's like a terrible porn movie plot. Who needs that kind of Jeremy Kyle-esque bullshit in their life?

 

Is she from Manchester, by any chance?

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

An extra kick in the face is that I know him. He's a fucking boy of 22, her sisters stepson and we've known him since he was about 14. I've been traded in for that.

I know there is no blood relationship, but you've now got a father and son going out with twin sisters, one 14 years younger and one 14 years older. Can none of them see how fucked up that is??! It just makes me want to scream.

 

 

Re: my kids. They stay over at mine twice a week. It's an informal arrangement but there have been no problems regarding that to be fair to her.

 

That's a fucking weird situation alright.

 

Make sure you're getting quality time with the kids and not fobbed off with 2 week nights etc.

[Chairman Meow]

That seems a little unhelpful (edit: in the context of Jenson's posts). A good marriage is a wonderful thing, which makes it all the more painful when it unravels, particularly when one party still has the good part in their heart.

 

I was replying to the thread in general. Personally I think marriage is a ridiculous concept and if it had never existed there wouldn't be any clamour to invent it these days, I escaped it by the skin of my teeth and I'm very glad of it. 

 

However, I shall make sure in future that I run any posts by you in future to see if they meet with your exacting standards. Or you can go fuck yourself, I'm happy either way. 

[M_B]

An extra kick in the face is that I know him. He's a fucking boy of 22, her sisters stepson and we've known him since he was about 14. I've been traded in for that.

I know there is no blood relationship, but you've now got a father and son going out with twin sisters, one 14 years younger and one 14 years older. Can none of them see how fucked up that is??! It just makes me want to scream.

 

 

Re: my kids. They stay over at mine twice a week. It's an informal arrangement but there have been no problems regarding that to be fair to her.

 

Its easy to say, but with time it will get better. It's stressful as fuck at the moment I bet.

 

View your life as a book. The chapter with her has finished. You can go back and read through it to remember the happy bits, but its better to close the book for a bit, make yourself a cup of tea and then start a brand new chapter. It's a cliche I know, but it really is better to look forward to a new life with someone else. And there will be someone else.

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

I was replying to the thread in general. Personally I think marriage is a ridiculous concept and if it had never existed there wouldn't be any clamour to invent it these days, I escaped it by the skin of my teeth and I'm very glad of it. 

 

However, I shall make sure in future that I run any posts by you in future to see if they meet with your exacting standards. Or you can go fuck yourself, I'm happy either way. 

 

[Chairman Meow]

That was a very calm response actually. I consider myself pretty much retired now that I'm self employed and as a result I seldom get angry about anything, apart from the occasional dose of hammer rash. Being single as well probably helps though!