The world of a woman.

[chrisbonnie]

Chris, can I have the name of your wife's accountancy firm so I can make sure I never use them. Ta.

 

to be fair to her, she`s as sharp as fuck, and has an IQ of 140+, but just like any being with chesticles, she does come out with some humdingers, a

[Remmie]

Just to clarify I do realise that Ultrabeat aren't RnB. But they are RnB bad though, possibly worse if such a thing exists.

[Liverpool lad]

RnB music is shit and Ultrabeat have fucking murdered that song

[Liverpool lad]

I need examples of proper RnB Woo since you are dishing negs out

[Fowlers God]

This was such a good thread before it was talking about music.

[Owen]

"Do you think they celebrate bonfire night in Vienna?"

 

"I don't think it's particularly revelant to the Austrians."

 

"Oh... why?"

[Fugitive]

Ultrabeat is what is known as Clubland shite, along with Scooter, Cascada and N-Dubz.

 

They induce vomit and feelings of rage and hatred.

 

Listeners should be either humanely put down or castrated.

[The 5th Benitel]

I was saying before how my bird's Mum used to have a nightmare when she went through an airport 10-20 years ago cos they live in Belfast, have Irish passports and she was born in Palestine. At which point a girl i work with said, 'Oh right, i didn't even know Palestine was in Ireland.'

 

She then followed it up by saying, 'Maria used to live in America, didn't she?'

 

'She did, for about 6 months'

 

'The Irish find it easy to get VISA's dont they?'

 

'Apparently so, especially in America.'

 

To which she replied, being completely serious, 'that's quite suprising considering so many of them are terrorists'.

[Fugitive]

I was saying before how my bird's Mum used to have a nightmare when she went through an airport 10-20 years ago cos they live in Belfast, have Irish passports and she was born in Palestine. At which point a girl i work with said, 'Oh right, i didn't even know Palestine was in Ireland.'

 

She then followed it up by saying, 'Maria used to live in America, didn't she?'

 

'She did, for about 6 months'

 

'The Irish find it easy to get VISA's dont they?'

 

'Apparently so, especially in America.'

 

To which she replied, being completely serious, 'that's quite suprising considering so many of them are terrorists'.

 

Did she have a Beard though?

 

Everyone knows, you have to have a beard to be a proper terrorist.

[The 5th Benitel]

Did she have a Beard though?

 

Everyone knows, you have to have a beard to be a proper terrorist.

 

 

My bird does, yeah. What else is she going to tickle my plums with?

[briefs]

While in the States I got asked by a girl in a shop:

 

'Say, do you guys have cars over there yet?'

 

She then proceeded to ask me about the price of petrol, commenting that she had heard that it was expensive, but given that she wasn't aware that we had cars in the UK until I corrected her, I don't know what she thought we were using all the expensive petrol for.

 

Fuelling the horses maybe .....

 

Words fail me.

[RJ Fan club]

While in the States I got asked by a girl in a shop:

 

'Say, do you guys have cars over there yet?'

 

She then proceeded to ask me about the price of petrol, commenting that she had heard that it was expensive, but given that she wasn't aware that we had cars in the UK until I corrected her, I don't know what she thought we were using all the expensive petrol for.

 

Fuelling the horses maybe .....

 

Words fail me.

 

When I was in San Antonio a few years back. A woman asked me if we had Pizza in the UK. I think she was a bit surprised to hear that we're a 'bit' closer to Italy than the US.

 

I was also asked if I worked for Prince Charles and if I knew a bloke called Ray (no surname offered) from Lancashire.

[chrisbonnie]

When I was in San Antonio a few years back. A woman asked me if we had Pizza in the UK. I think she was a bit surprised to hear that we're a 'bit' closer to Italy than the US.

 

I was also asked if I worked for Prince Charles and if I knew a bloke called Ray (no surname offered) from Lancashire.

 

so, do you know him?

 

when in Vegas i was in a quicksilver shop, the fella at the till(no kid i might add) asks me where im from, i reply, "Ireland" afater a few attempts at understanding my accent, he goes, "oh right, where trainspotting was set", i said, "no, thats scotland" yank replies, "scotland and Ireland aren`t the same? NO WAY"

 

MONG!!!!

[Liverpool lad]

I can relate to those who have been asked stupid questions by Americans, I was routinely spoken to as though the UK was a 3rd world country.

[Dr.Filth]

This is a classic.

 

[RedinSweden]

I'd written a brief budget out for stuff in work (we work in healthcare repairs and rentals etc). My missus saw it and said

"Why the hell have you got tomatoes on the budget?"

"What?" I replied, completely bemused.

"Tomatoes!?" She demanded.

"I haven't got tomatoes on the fucking list!"

 

"Well what are sun dries then?"

 

"Sundries Sarah, fucking sundries!"

 

Brilliant

 

What is it with women and their penchants for horrific music? I'm sure if it was plotted on a graph we could see a direct correlation between how bad the song is and how much she loves it. I was out last night and the women were going fucking nuts for shitty RnB. Look at them, they love it, the vacant thundercunts:

 

WARNING: This track is possibly the worst crime in the history of horendi music, viewers of a squeamish disposition may like to look away

 

[YOUTUBE]LnCGma13dN8[/YOUTUBE]

 

What the fucking hell is that? Is that real? I thought it was a parody.

 

 

"Do you think they celebrate bonfire night in Vienna?"

 

"I don't think it's particularly revelant to the Austrians."

 

"Oh... why?"

 

Ace

 

 

When I was in San Antonio a few years back. A woman asked me if we had Pizza in the UK. I think she was a bit surprised to hear that we're a 'bit' closer to Italy than the US.

 

I was also asked if I worked for Prince Charles and if I knew a bloke called Ray (no surname offered) from Lancashire.

 

I know Ray. Top bloke.

 

 

This is a classic.

 

 

Fantastic.

[lifetime fan]

I posted this on here a while ago but will tell it again.

 

Me and the missus had only been together for a couple of months and its my birthday so she wants to treat me. We both have the week off work and she's planning what we're going to do each day, I pop up and tell her I want to go and play golf one day.

 

So she asks if she can come with me and we'll play pitch and put, have lunch after and I can have a few beers as she'll drive. Now I wanted to play golf with my brother and not her but went along with this as I wouldn't have to drive and could have a few beers.

 

Now, my birthday is in January and of course the golf course is soaking wet, I have my very nice warm waterproof spikes on and she's wearing an old pair of daps which leak. By the third hole she's complaining that her feet are cold and wet and why can't she "wear those boots" I've got on.

 

This was an opportunity too good to miss so I explain to her that women are not allowed to wear golf shoes as they have small feet, the spikes will be close together and will damage the greens. She is immediately on her high horse complaining about women's rights and shite and I'm trying not to piss myself laughing.

 

She even starts saying she's going to ask all the men in the bar afterwards what size feet they have in case one of them have smaller feet than her so this will add credit to her complaint she wasn't allowed to wear golf shoes. She doesn't own a pair of golf shoes but it gets even better.

 

I keep this up all the way round 9 holes and then take her to the bar for a bite to eat and a few drinks. As we are sat at the bar the club pro walks in, wondering how far could I push it I tell her that he's the club pro and it's his decision that women are not allowed to wear golf shoes only men.

 

Before I could say anything else she's up and running across the bar and has a right go at the pro about what a sexist bastard he was at the top of her voice not caring who heard her.

 

I was in pain I was laughing so much.

[manwiththestick]

This is a classic.

 

 

Surely no one, not even a woman is this stupid? Surely?

[Anubis]

Surely no one, not even a woman is this stupid? Surely?

Never overestimate them. Even the women with qualifications. In fact, especially the women with qualifications.

[Paul]

This is a classic.

 

 

Surely not? How is she allowed out by herself?

[Mel Wood]

[Original202]

Americans are brilliant when it comes to discussing foreign countries, particularly the UK.

 

When I was in Berlin Inter-railing with my mate, we met two Americans in a backpacker bar and we got talking about high school sororities and the need for people to be voted in.

 

We were asked "Do you know what a vote is?"

 

We replied "No" and then asked them "Is that like a democracy?"

 

"Sure it is. We got that in the US, Britain should adopt it"

 

We also managed to convince them that nobody in the North of the UK had indoor toilets, just a hole in the ground for every 10 people.

[Unrighteous]

Americans are brilliant when it comes to discussing foreign countries, particularly the UK.

 

When I was in Berlin Inter-railing with my mate, we met two Americans in a backpacker bar and we got talking about high school sororities and the need for people to be voted in.

 

We were asked "Do you know what a vote is?"

 

We replied "No" and then asked them "Is that like a democracy?"

 

"Sure it is. We got that in the US, Britain should adopt it"

 

We also managed to convince them that nobody in the North of the UK had indoor toilets, just a hole in the ground for every 10 people.

 

Oh jesus...

[DJLJ]

Was watching the preview show for the NFL at Wembley and the Bucs cheerleaders are on a bus ride through London, they pass Tower of London and one of them say; "Look, that looks just like a real castle".

[stevebaby]

I once met an American in London. He was wearing plus-fours and carrying a rucksack and a large bag of expensive looking golf clubs. He had just arrived and was in the U.K. on a golfing holiday.

I suggested St. Andrew's. He thought it was a bit exclusive until I informed him that, in recognition of the USA winning WW2 all by themselves, American citizens were not only welcome at any time but were entitled to unlimited free drinks at the bar. He cheered up considerably.

 

Then I told him that, to those in the know, Royal Moss Side Golf Club in mankchester was far superior and the friendly locals would be happy to help him find the Clubhouse. I even helped him find the right train and cheerily waved him off.

I try to be helpful.

.