What is the maddest thing your bird has done?

[Ezekiel 25:17]

Jumping in there car trashed and 'running away' has always been a firm favourite of the psychos of old.

[Bjornebye]

I should have know she was going to be trouble when she spilt a bowl of mint imperials all over the floor of the chinese we had just drunkenly stopped in then lay on the floor pretending to be dead when we were walking back to hers.

The silence with a curious/concerned passer by was only broken when I asked him if he had any spare chalk

 

just read back through this thread though and fuck me, I am one lucky man.

[Harry Squatter]

I went out on Friday with my mates in Chester but didn't tell my bird which ones I was going out with. My mate who lives in Crosby posted a picture up on Facebook but showed his location and as he tagged me in on it, my bird instantly assumed I wa with him in Crosby.

 

She said "you're a fucking liar, you are out in Crosby with Ste".

 

I said "no I'm in Chester"

 

She said "prove it"

 

I texted her a photo of the main street of Chester and she still didn't believe me.

 

The weird thing is that the photo he put up was from 1987 in my mates back garden, I had my school uniform on and long hair, my mate who is completely bald had a full head of ginger hair and was small and skinny.

 

I then texted her "you daft twat, I sold my delorean ages ago"

[Total Longo]

My missus was as mad as a box of frogs for a long time.

Incidents included:

Throwing a glass ashtray at the back of my head which broke and knocked me out.

Crashing my car into the front of the house.

Throwing my clothes out of the bedroom window in the early hours of the morning on 3 different occasions.

Called the police on me several times, one time I was in bed asleep and still got carted off to the nick. Got to a point the coppers knew how many sugars I had in coffee and would have a cup ready for me arriving.

Then after 4 years of this I asked her to stop drinking VODKA. The arguments almost stopped and the strange behaviour did stop all together.

Still love her to bits even with all that going on. She gives a stunning BJ.

 

Familiar story this, my Mrs tried to slash her wrists once because i spoke to a girl at my brothers party (the fact that me and this girl had been "chums" since we were kids didn't matter a jot), she also flipped on me once because my mates were beaked up at another mates kids christening and i got accused of it (as if i'd do anything like that!!) and i had to lock us both in my room to avoid her going downstairs and stabbing herself (or me), countless rows on holiday about checking other girls out etc etc, and the key to it all was booze. She turned into a monster on it. So, we discussed it and she stopped - just like that. She stated she didn't really like the effects of it anyway and she knew she was unreasonable when inebriated.

 

We haven't looked back, to be honest, two kids down the line now. She hasn't touched a drop since, doesn't miss it (so she says). She still gets the odd weed on, but now it's usually when i've actually done something wrong, as opposed to assuming i've done something wrong.

 

There's a lesson to be learned here, folks, get your Mrs to stop bevying OR have the nous to get away with more of the stuff you shouldn't be doing. Either is good.

[littletedwest]

our first night in benidorm a few years ago we went out and got pissed.

went back to hotel and bed. heard her go toilet. After about ten minutes she wasn't back, checked bathroom no sign.

Went out into corridor she had slept walked naked into hotel foyer, although she had a sheet covering her and was about piss there when she was woke up by security and receptionist.

was hilarious every time we walked through reception after that

[littletedwest]

oh and we were on the eighth floor so she had got in a lift to do all this.

[Liverpool lad]

I used to go with a girl who would stalk me on football forums, even directly conversing with me under her pseudonym and making up profiles of girls to add me on MSN

[littletedwest]

just read the whole thread.

 

my Mrs is hard work but fucking hell compared to some mentioned here she is ace.

 

Brilliant thread though

[Harry Squatter]

What Was he stabbing him with, a spoon ?? the fella that lived can probably start a rap career off the back of that now anyway, every cloud and all that.

 

A butchers boning knife Al, I saw it in court. Fucking massive thing with a big yellow handle. Fuck knows how he lived, broke 3 of his ribs too.

[Remmie]

I used to go with a girl who would stalk me on football forums, even directly conversing with me under her pseudonym and making up profiles of girls to add me on MSN

You've already told us that one!

[Remmie]

Maybe not the right thread but reminded me of something. My mate was over at his bird's sisters fixing her laptop or something while they were getting drunk. They were giggling and clearly talking about sex.

 

He is then presented with the offer of a threesome and upon checking he wasn't a fucking idiot decided to go for it. They licked each other out, sisters. It's awesome, but also fucking wrong depending upon who's perspective you look at it from. She tried to blame him the next day so he decided to start fucking the sister.

 

They aren't together any more.

[Liverpool lad]

You've already told us that one!

 

I'll be more careful in future

[Paulie Dangerously]

Maybe not the right thread but reminded me of something. My mate was over at his bird's sisters fixing her laptop or something while they were getting drunk. They were giggling and clearly talking about sex.

 

He is then presented with the offer of a threesome and upon checking he wasn't a fucking idiot decided to go for it. They licked each other out, sisters. It's awesome, but also fucking wrong depending upon who's perspective you look at it from. She tried to blame him the next day so he decided to start fucking the sister.

 

They aren't together any more.

 

8/10 titilating but needed more details. Would read again.

 

Another ex of mine was a lot younger than me and again a bit gothy (theme developing) she was a laugh like we'd have a few bevvies and hang out and have proper deeeeeerty sessions.

 

The relationship started going a bit stale, we both knew it, and one day she came to ours with a face like a rape victims boyfriend. I kept asking what was up but she said there was nothing until she went "I'm late Paul, I might be pregnant" NEEEEENAWWWWNEEEENAWWWW alarm bells started going off in my head. I'd just put tea out so we ate it and as I was washing up I told her to get her shoes on.

 

She asked why so I told her we were going to go to the Sainsburys over the road and get a test to be sure, she started backtracking saying that she'd go tomorrow and let me know the result and I shouldn't waste my money. I insisted and got us both out of the door before she said "I did one this morning so I'm not so you don't need to worry, I was just joking!"

 

Two people left the house and only one returned.

 

Mental.

 

*edit* I didn't kill her. I just didn't let her back in.

[RedinSweden]

Maybe not the right thread but reminded me of something. My mate was over at his bird's sisters fixing her laptop or something while they were getting drunk. They were giggling and clearly talking about sex.

 

He is then presented with the offer of a threesome and upon checking he wasn't a fucking idiot decided to go for it. They licked each other out, sisters. It's awesome, but also fucking wrong depending upon who's perspective you look at it from. She tried to blame him the next day so he decided to start fucking the sister.

 

They aren't together any more.

 

That is wrong.

[Batigol]

The ex caught me shagging someone else. Knowing full well I had pot in the house, just a little for personnel use, she phoned the police saying I was dealer. They smash the door in and find a quarter.

 

Still to go to court for it. Looks like it's going to be one expensive quarter/fuck whatever way you look at it. Probably chatting £150-£250 fine.

 

Same girl lied about being pregnant and the resulting miscarriage. And still fucking rings me every night at 4am on the dot!

 

To be fair I should have caught on she was trouble when she wanted me to pretend I was breaking in when I come home from work, put a ski mask on, tie her up, gag her and abuse every hole.

[Captain Turdseye]

Two people left the house and only one returned.

 

Mental.

 

*edit* I didn't kill her. I just didn't let her back in.

 

You've already told us that one too, Paulie.

 

 

To be fair I should have caught on she was trouble when she wanted me to pretend I was breaking in when I come home from work, put a ski mask on, tie her up, gag her and abuse every hole.

 

Are you from Bristol?

[Trumo]

You've already told us that one!

 

She might have told us that one too!

[Batigol]

Are you from Bristol?

 

no. coventry originally.

[Fowlers God]

8/10 titilating but needed more details. Would read again.

 

Another ex of mine was a lot younger than me and again a bit gothy (theme developing) she was a laugh like we'd have a few bevvies and hang out and have proper deeeeeerty sessions.

 

The relationship started going a bit stale, we both knew it, and one day she came to ours with a face like a rape victims boyfriend. I kept asking what was up but she said there was nothing until she went "I'm late Paul, I might be pregnant" NEEEEENAWWWWNEEEENAWWWW alarm bells started going off in my head. I'd just put tea out so we ate it and as I was washing up I told her to get her shoes on.

 

She asked why so I told her we were going to go to the Sainsburys over the road and get a test to be sure, she started backtracking saying that she'd go tomorrow and let me know the result and I shouldn't waste my money. I insisted and got us both out of the door before she said "I did one this morning so I'm not so you don't need to worry, I was just joking!"

 

Two people left the house and only one returned.

 

Mental.

 

*edit* I didn't kill her. I just didn't let her back in.

 

And when you posted this several pages back you where on the phone to her!

 

Maybe its you that's a bit mental! Where you on the phone or was she in your kitchen?

 

Or maybe you where on the phone to each other in the Kitchen? I dunno I'm lost....

[Ezekiel 25:17]

Go and get yer 'ead down Paulie.

[Liverpool lad]

The ex caught me shagging someone else. Knowing full well I had pot in the house' date=' just a little for personnel use, she phoned the police saying I was dealer. They smash the door in and find a quarter.

 

Still to go to court for it. Looks like it's going to be one expensive quarter/fuck whatever way you look at it. Probably chatting £150-£250 fine.

 

Same girl lied about being pregnant and the resulting miscarriage. And still fucking rings me every night at 4am on the dot!

 

To be fair I should have caught on she was trouble when she wanted me to pretend I was breaking in when I come home from work, put a ski mask on, tie her up, gag her and abuse every hole.[/quote']

 

Just offered Mrs LL the same treatment. She declined

[ZonkoVille77]

Went out with this bird a few years back.well fit and out of my league, well so I thought. Great in the sack and a rocking body. Then after the first month I startef to notice she was touched.turned out she was adopted and had mad issues over that. Woukd end up crying all the time when she was drunk. Always looked to other people that I was the cause of it.

 

Anyhow about 4 months after we broke up I got home one night with a bird I was seeing for a couple of weeks.

Went to go to bed and there was the mentalist in my bed.lunatic had copied the spare key one day when out (my fault I know)

 

She then wanted to fight the other bird, who left of course, and then asked me to shag her. Mental stuff.

[Red Banjo]

I hope you did rattle it anyway

 

Great in the sack and a rocking body

 

These are enough reasons to

[ZonkoVille77]

Not that night but the next morning yea. Made her have a shower first. Wasnt taking chances.

[Paulie Dangerously]

And when you posted this several pages back you where on the phone to her!

 

Maybe its you that's a bit mental! Where you on the phone or was she in your kitchen?

 

Or maybe you where on the phone to each other in the Kitchen? I dunno I'm lost....

 

On page one? No was in my kitchen. She just offered to text me the next day.

 

I'll dig out some lewd pics to make it up to everyone