What kind of wank do you prefer?

[Wor Horse]

Whilst watching porn or looking at a famous bird or normal bird with big tatties or whatever and imagining what you'd do to her.

 

I had a good one over wife swap last night.

 

And you?

[njackets]

Thing u need to stay of the net when your drunk mate!

[Wor Horse]

It's an inportant matter.

[The Special One]

Fuckin' hell.

[Lucky Pierre]

BGOG we trust is nout drunk.

[Melchett]

Are you trying to seduce me, FYI it's working honey.

[liverpoolsno9]

I fuckin love wanking, me

[JohnnyH]

Some wankers on here at the moment.

[Guest PurpleNose]

Amateur.

[Melchett]

I fuckin love wanking me

 

I also like wanking you.

[Charles Penrose]

Yesterday a mate of mine admitted that he doesn't actually think of women when bashing one out, but that his mind is kind of blank. I actually couldn't even begin to comprehend it; I mean he is thinking of himself in a bright white room or something? I've occasionally read that this is a very feminine trait, so can the ladies on here tell us what you think of when cracking one out. Are there specifics going on up there about down there?

 

This conversation spurned several other wank related questions.

 

1) Are you a spontaneous wanker or do you go through the (self) sex degrees of preparation? These are generally throroughly checking that no one else is around, finding a truly comfortable position, actually taking the bottom half of your clothing off, finding some quality material in a pre-meditated fashion (scrolling through porn, cock in hand, looking to make a better choice), coming up with an exit plan if someone begins to walk in (turning over quickly, pulling the covers over you and pretending you have a headache for example) and finally have you already gathered cleanup material.

 

Personally I like to wing it, however will occasionally make sure my Cats haven't knocked the blinds askew, giving joe public a window into my sexy, lounge wankfest. I am mostly a spontaneous wanker, able to secure a win even en route to the sink with a strainer full of hot water and vegetables whilst cooking,.

 

2) Concerning the end result - If indeed you have not brought along cleanup material, where are you going to spunk. Much of the time this results in self bukkake, but only anything above the chest is a no go. Then, having satisfied yourself across your obliques, you find yourself with a dilemma. Now there is of course a direct correlation between viscosity of spunk and the frequency of your wanking. There is the thick shit that'll cling to you like a needy girlfriend and never let go, but then there is the liquidy challenge of the thrice a day wanker. If you opt for the mad, pantless run to the bathroom before your man fat drops to carpet, you're a brave man. Once again there is a correlation here. As viscosity declines with masturbation regularity, the angle of your upper body in relation to your legs decreases during said run. Only by creating a shallow angle with your upper body will you slow down the inevitable victory for gravity. This, of course, looks very much like you are trying dip under a bar during a bad party.

 

3) Do you ever get that spitty area of bitten t shirt following a wank? This occurs when man rolls up the clothing on the upper half of his body and uses his teeth to secure it to to A) Give a comfortable wanking position without clothing interference and B) Facilitate a clear landing area for your semen. The regularity of this is intensified when you are sitting upright on, for example, a computer chair. I really don't want my penis tickling my brand new jumper throughout.

[The Robot Tank]

Chris, have you got a Masters in masturbating..?

[Charles Penrose]

Chris, have you got a Masters in masturbating..?

 

There are some on here that would describe be as a Professional Wanker, yes.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

My wife caught me on Pornhub so she stripped naked, and asked me to act out a scene with her. It was my ultimate fantasy.

 

I was hammering away when this bloke tapped me on my shoulder.

 

"Excuse me mate," he said. "Do you want to get ripped in four weeks?"

[Ezekiel 25:17]

I've got 4 weeks off work.

 

I can't decide whether to get ripped or grow my cock.

[Guest The Big Green Bastard]

I'm starting to get used to the 'dead hand gang' method off the Inbetweeners.

 

Place wanking arm underneath other arm till wanking arm goes numb with pins and needles.

 

Start vinegar strokes with numb arm (it feels like someone else is doing it)

[RJ Fan club]

I've got 4 weeks off work.

 

I can't decide whether to get ripped or grow my cock.

 

Do both, wank yourself to a six pack.

[Stu Monty]

I'm never doing a bank job with Royle. No clean up materials? No exit plan? No scanning the scenery first?

 

I don't work with amatuers.

[Malarkey]

I'm starting to get used to the 'dead hand gang' method off the Inbetweeners.

 

Place wanking arm underneath other arm till wanking arm goes numb with pins and needles.

 

Start vinegar strokes with numb arm (it feels like someone else is doing it)

 

I call that one "The Stranger".

[Fowlers God]

Over dead bodies always works for me.

[Guest davelfc]

Over dead bodies always works for me.

 

Make sure the eyes are closed first, those haunting dead eyes, those haunting guilt inducing dead eyes that seem to follow you around the room, reminds me of sex with the missus.

[Fowlers God]

Make sure the eyes are closed first, those haunting dead eyes, those haunting guilt inducing dead eyes that seem to follow you around the room, reminds me of sex with the missus.

 

I cant rmember what that is like,

 

Its the smell thats the only problem,

[Charles Penrose]

I'm never doing a bank job with Royle. No clean up materials? No exit plan? No scanning the scenery first?

 

I don't work with amatuers.

 

You're failing to consider the positives here. Whilst I'm spidermanning my way out of the vault, leaving a glutinous labrinth of spunk and Chris-Kernels that Bear Gyrlls himself couldn't cross, the PoPo will be toppling over like skittles as they dash to prevent our escape.

 

You'll later thank me as you're sunning yourself on a beach like Ronnie Biggs.

[Markmywords]

Yesterday

 

3) Do you ever get that spitty area of bitten t shirt following a wank? This occurs when man rolls up the clothing on the upper half of his body and uses his teeth to secure it to to A) Give a comfortable wanking position without clothing interference and B) Facilitate a clear landing area for your semen. The regularity of this is intensified when you are sitting upright on, for example, a computer chair. I really don't want my penis tickling my brand new jumper throughout.

 

Hilarious.

 

Although I could do without the mental images it's created