Instant cunt identifiers

[cloggypop]

In work at this time of the morning and already someone is saying the following, to a man of about 60 who clearly doesn't give a fuck what he's on about:

 

" Yeah, it'd probably be easier for me to name the types of music I don't like. Not really keen on heavy opera, though I do like light opera, some strands of thrash metal I'm not too keen on but I like the genre as a whole and I don't like South American music, but it's so strange because I DO like African music. Everyone says I'm very eclectic. Er, going on to jazz... "

 

Meanwhile the fella he's talking to is facing the opposite direction to him looking at his computer screen and not saying a word.

Set the cunt's beard on fire.

[Jairzinho]

Strange he doesn't like South American music but does like African music, what with them being exactly the same.

 

Is he dead yet, by the way?

[Sugar Ape]

Strange he doesn't like South American music but does like African music, what with them being exactly the same.

 

Is he dead yet, by the way?

 

It's a matter of time. Only yesterday someone said to me they were going to stab him if he doesn't shut up. That really is the tip of the iceberg today though, he says stuff like this every day and has a penchant for shouting ' Ooooh Matron ' in a ridiculously loud voice. About 5 times a day.

[Jairzinho]

He does seem to be displaying previously unseen levels of cuntery. Almost certainly a lizard, in my opinion.

 

Ask him what goes on at the Bilderberg meetings.

[Carvalho Diablo]

I'm a cunt. A fully paid up card carrying cunt of the very lowest order.

 

Like that's a bad thing ?! Get the fuck outta here.

 

Cuntishness in extremis. Hoy!

[Liverpool lad]

Only children

 

They tend to be stranger that those who have siblings

[Sugar Ape]

Only been in twenty minutes which he's spent droning on about getting a harmonica, but he's worried he won't get the right one and be able to bend the tune or some shit. Also had this conversation with the old fella opposite him:

 

Cunt: Yeah so once I get my harmonica I'll be playing a load of blues stuff. Have you heard of The fabulous thunderbirds ( doesn't give the old fella a chance to reply ), they are a great band, love their stuff, I'll be learning Tough stuff which is their most famous song.

 

Old fella: I've actually seen them live. The song isn't called Tough Stuff it's called Tuff Enuff.

 

Cunt: Oh. Well like I said I love them and I'll be learning it and...

[Bjornebye]

Break his fucking face.

[Anubis]

Somebody bought me a harmonica for my birthday a few years ago. A decent one, like. God knows why, though, as I'm the least musical person they probably know.

 

If I can find it maybe I'll ask Sugar Ape to give me the guy's name and work address and send it to him anonymously with a note saying "NOW SHUT UP YOU ANNOYING CUNT."

 

Alternatively, I might just give it to my little nieces so they can do my brother's head in.

[Babb'sBurstNad]

Fellas who drive ice cream vans and play ub4o instead of a classic nursery rhyme.

There's one near me that plays the tune to The Godfather, but in a proper ice-cream van style fashion.

[Sugar Ape]

Somebody bought me a harmonica for my birthday a few years ago. A decent one, like. God knows why, though, as I'm the least musical person they probably know.

 

If I can find it maybe I'll ask Sugar Ape to give me the guy's name and work address and send it to him anonymously with a note saying "NOW SHUT UP YOU ANNOYING CUNT."

 

Alternatively, I might just give it to my little nieces so they can do my brother's head in.

 

It would undoubtedly be the wrong one and result in a one sided two hour conversation on exactly why it won't work for him.

[Ezekiel 25:17]

Anyone who refers to their friends as 'the boys', or describes anything as 'messy'.

 

'Out on a messy one with the boys'.

 

If you're not shitting on each other, it's not a messy one.

[Bjornebye]

Somebody bought me a harmonica for my birthday a few years ago. A decent one, like. God knows why, though, as I'm the least musical person they probably know.

 

If I can find it maybe I'll ask Sugar Ape to give me the guy's name and work address and send it to him anonymously with a note saying "NOW SHUT UP YOU ANNOYING CUNT."

 

Alternatively, I might just give it to my little nieces so they can do my brother's head in.

I got on the train after reading away a few years back and found a harmonica in my pocket.

[Carvalho Diablo]

"Sing for your lovin' brother..."

 

{kicks in bollocks}

[General Dryness]

I got on the train after reading away a few years back and found a harmonica in my pocket.

 

You take a train to go somewhere to read? That seems like a ballache to me, I usually just get a book and sit in a nice comfy chair by a window. At home.

[Jairzinho]

You take a train to go somewhere to read? That seems like a ballache to me, I usually just get a book and sit in a nice comfy chair by a window. At home.

 

It's more of an event for Stig.

[Sugar Ape]

I work with a 31 year old lad who likes, nay loves, Glee. He talks about it and the songs all the time,  aside from Glee he likes shit like Taylor Swift. However, he's not the cunt in this scenario.

 

The cunt in my previous posts has come in today and the old fella he bores to death is off, possibly suffering a nervous breakdown. So he's talking to this lad who likes Glee instead about some band who he describes as " stripped down minor fret east coast influenced rock "

 

Going to be a long day.

[Bjornebye]

Tools Holland.

[cloggypop]

Shove that harmonica down his throat so you can hear it when he breathes in and out.

 

(He probably means Minor Threat by the way).

[Sugar Ape]

Shove that harmonica down his throat so you can hear it when he breathes in and out. (He probably means Minor Threat by the way).

 

I'd be worried if I understood half of what he talks about!

[Jay86]

Anyone who refers to their friends as 'the boys', or describes anything as 'messy'.

 

'Out on a messy one with the boys'.

 

If you're not shitting on each other, it's not a messy one.

They are the cunts I hate. Banter is the worst saying known to man. First thing I told my mrs when I first met her is stop calling your friends "the girls" and don't ever use the word banter around me.

 

 

[Hooch]

People who have Ed Sheeran or Bruno Mars as their wedding dance song.

[Bjornebye]

People who let Gary Barlow gate-crash their wedding and serenade their new bride. Just imagine the scenario. You have spent years putting the graft in with this bird, put up with all of her shite, dealt with all the problems that go with being in a serious relationship and have no doubt contributed a huge financial amount to the wedding. The doubts, the joy, the fear, the tears..... Then, in pops Gary fucking manc Barlow with his million cunt songs making your new bride wet in her pants because her primary school heartthrob is eyeballing her and singing about loving her. On camera. In-front of your mates.

 

Not at my wedding cunty.

[Trumo]

First thing I told my mrs when I first met her is stop calling your friends "the girls" and don't ever use the word banter around me.

 

Was that after the words "Get in the van"?

[VERBAL DIARRHEA]

They are the cunts I hate. Banter is the worst saying known to man. First thing I told my mrs when I first met her is stop calling your friends "the girls" and don't ever use the word banter around me.

60 year old women going " out with the girls " fuck off. Not that your missus is 60.