The world of a woman.

[Duff Man]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKWmFWRVLlU

[Furmedge]

A friend came to work with a bit of a temper because he'd had a massive argument with his missus this morning. Needless to say, the reason for it is perfect for this thread. His missus works night shifts at the hospital so usually gets home as he's getting ready for work. She needed him to pick up some shopping yesterday on his way home from work so left a post-it note for him, but didn't mention anything about it. He didn't see it so didn't go shopping. She'd noticed that he'd not been shopping, presumably because they were out of certain items that she'd written on the list. She then proceeded to bawl him out, calling him a lazy fucker, asking why he's being so difficult etc. She'd written the note but put it in her handbag instead of leaving it somewhere like the fridge or kitchen table where he'd see it. Even when it was pointed out where she'd fucked up, it was his stupid fault anyway.

Get him to tell her there's now this new fangled idea called 24 hour opening and she should get it herself.

[Mustangt125]

I was laughing so much at the bit in bold that she launched a remote control at my head.

 

Which reminds me of her kicking off another time. I'd drove down the chippy with her and got two meals, she was complaining about how hungry she was on the way down and then kicked up a fuss for some reason on the way back.

 

We got in and she unwrapped her meal and poured it in the bin saying " are you happy now, I'll just go hungry then and won't eat "

 

To which I just went in the living room, sat down and put the footy on, and ate my tea. I could see it dawn in her eyes 5 minutes later that maybe, just maybe, she'd fucked herself up more than me.

 

 

I've read and re-read this post, laughing each time.  I can't for the life of me figure out what she was going to accomplish by dumping her meal??

[Trumo]

Get him to tell her there's now this new fangled idea called 24 hour opening and she should get it herself.

 

I suspect it was for something mundane like Indian groceries, and those shops aren't open 24/7. Can't blame the silly mare for that.

[lifetime fan]

'I'm phoning for some advice'.

 

 

No you're not, you're phoning to have a fucking whinge because someone/thing his pissed you off. You don't want any practical advice at all, if you had you'd have fucking shut up and listened. What you wanted to do was sound off and have me agree what you wanted to do next was the right course of action.

 

That isn't advice you twat.

[Trumo]

'I'm phoning for some advice'.

 

 

No you're not, you're phoning to have a fucking whinge because someone/thing his pissed you off. You don't want any practical advice at all, if you had you'd have fucking shut up and listened. What you wanted to do was sound off and have me agree what you wanted to do next was the right course of action.

 

That isn't advice you twat.

 

Timmy Mallett giving you grief Col?

[Dr Nowt]

Phone a fellow forumite up to tell him you're having strange urgings towards cattle and this is the response you get.

 

I'm in a right moooooood now.

[lifetime fan]

Timmy Mallett giving you grief Col?

Not today. Work cunt instead.

[Tom R]

they don't half text some fucking shit! It'll be the same 2 dozen of the stupid cunts all texting each other the same message thinking what an angel they are and how loved they are by all their super dooper bestest friends.

 

Until they're falling out with everyone and slagging each other off within 2 days.

 

 

"This Is for u. Read till the end it's adorable! I sent an angel to watch over you last night, but it came back and I asked,?why??...The angel said,?angels don't watch over angels!? Twenty angels are in your world. Ten of them are sleeping, nine of them are playing and one is reading this message. God has seen you struggling with some things and god says its over. A blessing is coming your way. If you believe in god send this to 14 friends including me, if I don't get it back I guess I'm not one of them. As soon as you get 5 replies, someone you love will quietly surprise you... Not joking. Pass this message"

 

This sort of shit really fucks me off. 

 

Worse yet are those stupid quotes next to some some beautiful picture telling you to "be strong" or "love yourself" or some equally turgid irritating fucking horse shit. 

 

here's my own personal take on them:

 

[Trumo]

 Trumo likes this.

[sh#t waffle]

I have, much to her chagrin, a note kept on my iPhone which I add to whenever she comes out without something stupid. A record for posterity which features such gems as:

 

Ken Barlow is looking old. He's no spring kitchen anymore.

 

* Upon watching a black slave be violently beat to death in Django Unchained * Wow. They certainly frowned upon black people in those days.

 

* On an occasion when I'd pissed her off * You're the vein of my life. She then spent 20 minutes arguing with me because ' Bane ' was a word I'd just made up.

 

I told her I was going the match on Saturday. Did you get a ticket off your brother? Or a ticket lout.

 

Trying to imply I'm mental. " You're living in world cuckoo land "

 

For no apparent reason whilst watching The Avengers. " Is this directed by Stephen Hopkins? " when I enquired who he was? " You know, the guy in the wheelchair "

To this day, I've no idea why she thought Stephen Hawkins was a film director.

 

A big loud argument during a family meal that the saying " variety is the spice of life " is actually just " the variety of spice "

 

She's lucky she gives the good sex.

Your other half - and I mean this as a compliment - reminds me of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys.

 

 

Get me some of that sweet empowered chicken.

[Skidfingers McGonical]

BELIEVE!

[Dr Nowt]

"Anyone who doesn't reply likes cigarettes being stubbed out on disabled people's fingers and hopes their first-born child gets stolen by gypsies."

 

Get to fuck you jelly-headed buffoon.

[Stouffer]

Your other half - and I mean this as a compliment - reminds me of Ricky from Trailer Park Boys.

 

 

Get me some of that sweet empowered chicken.

He didn't want to say hetoldaso; but hetoldaso.

[Tom araya]

Absolutely the best,Indianapolis Jones.

[lifetime fan]

Led in bed this morning and I'm saying I've still not seen the neighbour upstairs and I've had the flat 2 weeks now.

 

Her: Maybe he's agricultural.

[Harry Squatter]

My daughter was watching an animated film before called Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs. There is a character in it who has a white pointy goatee beard, bald head and thick rimmed glasses.

 

I laughed and said to my Mrs "ha ha look, Gary Glitter in a kids film"

 

Mrs said "is that really him? Fucking hell that's sick that, can't believe they got away with it"

[Dr Nowt]

Went to our mates company summer-ish party today, had all sorts of kit like archery, sumo suits, a bucking bronco machine, soft play for kids, game of rounders, loads of other activities and shit.

 

She's getting on at me for being a miserable cunt and not taking part, just chatting with my mates, so after a few requests to do so I agree to have a crack at this boxing thing she wants a go on with her.  You've got to sit on a pole above a foam pit, giant soft boxing glove on each hand, first one off loses.

 

Shortly afterwards, with people all around pissing themselves and telling other people about it:

 

Her: I can't believe how vicious you were, you hit me right in the face.

Me: I think you misunderstood the boxing part of it, love.

 

Anyway, me and Turdseye will basically be hanging around together from now on.

[Bjornebye]

Women can fuck off

[manwiththestick]

The wife needed a brake light bulb for her car so I sent her a link to one on Amazon. A bit later I asked if she had ordered it and she said no because I sent her the wrong link because the bulb wasn't red.

[Dr Nowt]

Women can fuck off

Holidays with the special lady in your life are great aren't they.

 

"I spent most of our holiday on my own, Ben was busy writing his fucking book" mine told our mates yesterday.

 

And that's how we're near enough 8 years and counting, my sweet.

[peter burgess]

Mrs was watching programme about Joan rivers last night and said " she must have filmed this before she died"

[Dr Nowt]

No flies on your missus. Not as many as there are on Joan Rivers, anyway.

[Trumo]

Mrs was watching programme about Joan rivers last night and said " she must have filmed this before she died"

 

Should have told her it was a live broadcast.

[Bjornebye]

"Ooh it's gone cooler now" yes, we are in the shade.

 

She is winding me up though.