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Quality Lines from Birds

bri

By bri,
in GF - General Forum

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bri Grand Master

bri

Posted
Posted

I know this has been round a few times but I've just had a classic from mine.

 

Were going to Cape Town in Jan and she's just gone:

 

"There's not many exciting animals in South Africa is there......"

 

Slightly bemused as I can't quite think of anywhere else on the planet that might compare to the wildlife Africa has to offer I say "like what"

 

She goes. "Sharks"

 

Fkin Genius..........To be honest it's this type of stuff that brings me back to reality after a long day at work.

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Unrighteous Grand Master

Unrighteous

Posted
Posted
My mate and his Bird went to Moscow for a week and he told me this when he got back...

 

My Mate: We should go down and have a look at the Lenin Mausoleum.

Bird: What's that?

My Mate: It's where Lenin's body is kept.

Bird: I never knew John Lennon was buried in Russia.

 

:wallbutt:

 

 

I had this one from my mate's fiance:

 

Bird: "Where do you live again?"

Me: "Liverpool."

Bird: "A friend of mine is living there now."

Me: "Where abouts is she living? Liverpool?"

Bird: "No, it's not that... It's a city there though in England."

Me: "What city? Manchester? Birmingham? Leeds?"

Bird: "No, it's like... London? Is London a city?"

Me: "..."

My mate: "...Are you serious?"

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Fugitive Grand Master

Fugitive

Posted
Posted
:wallbutt:

 

 

I had this one from my mate's fiance:

 

Bird: "Where do you live again?"

Me: "Liverpool."

Bird: "A friend of mine is living there now."

Me: "Where abouts is she living? Liverpool?"

Bird: "No, it's not that... It's a city there though in England."

Me: "What city? Manchester? Birmingham? Leeds?"

Bird: "No, it's like... London? Is London a city?"

Me: "..."

My mate: "...Are you serious?"

 

They complain about Sexism but stuff like that just proves that Women should never be given positions of Authority.

 

Look what happened last time.

 

I'd ban them from driving if it was up to me. Caught my Sister on the phone and putting make up on whilst driving the other day and went fucking ballistic. Called my Mum and Dad up and told them and they are giving her shit over it but it needed to be done.

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Uncle_Meat Mentor

Uncle_Meat

Posted
Posted

Not a her but a him, but still....

 

A mate of mine had just got a phone line fitted in his flat and he needed a phone handset to use, so I offered him my old one.

 

Me : Here you go, plug it in and off you go.

Him : But what if someone calls you?

Me: Eh?

Him : It's your phone. If someone calls, it'll ring

Me : No it won't,

Him : It will! It's your phone with your number on it.

 

Bear in mind this is the days before mobile phones, so no possible confusion there...

 

Me : But it's plugged into your line.

Him : I know, but it's your phone. What if someone calls you.

Me : <Brain Freeze>

 

And so on for about 10 minutes before it dawned upon him.

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god knows Rising Star

god knows

Posted
Posted
They complain about Sexism but stuff like that just proves that Women should never be given positions of Authority.

 

Look what happened last time.

 

I'd ban them from driving if it was up to me. Caught my Sister on the phone and putting make up on whilst driving the other day and went fucking ballistic. Called my Mum and Dad up and told them and they are giving her shit over it but it needed to be done.

 

SEXIST GRASS!

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M_B Mentor

M_B

Posted
Posted

While having a romantic stroll one evening

 

bint: "What are all those lights in the sky ?"

me: "Which lights ?"

bint: "........ THOSE lights you idiot .."

me: "...... oh those......!!!......... those ? ....... are you joking ?"

bint: "nooooo.....tell me, what are they ?"

me: "....er......... stars..."

bint: "whats a star ?"

 

...it didnt last.

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She Knows It Veteran

She Knows It

Posted
Posted

Girl in work: Does your laptop get heavier the more stuff you save on it?

 

Same girl: There's something wrong with my fuel tank, it's stretching.

Other girl in work: What do you mean your fuel tank is stretching?

Same girl: I don't know how, but it's bigger than it was when I bought the car last year. It only used to cost £40 to fill the tank, and it costs me well over 50 now.

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windass Community Regular

windass

Posted
Posted
My mate and his Bird went to Moscow for a week and he told me this when he got back...

 

My Mate: We should go down and have a look at the Lenin Mausoleum.

Bird: What's that?

My Mate: It's where Lenin's body is kept.

Bird: I never knew John Lennon was buried in Russia.

 

funny that! i find most women are dipsey as fuck! :wallbutt:

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Paulie Dangerously Grand Master

Paulie Dangerously

Posted
Posted

New girl just started in our place and this took place on Friday, we work by the pier head

 

Girl: Wow the water's really high! Why is it that high?

Me: High tide

Girl: Is that because it's winter?

Me: No it happens twice a day

Girl: In winter?

Me: No all year round

Girl: Then why doesn't it happen in summer?

Me: It does, it happens all year round

Girl: Then what's winter got to do with it?

Me: ...

 

I am training her all next week

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Furmedge Grand Master

Furmedge

Posted
Posted

We were flicking through the channels a few years ago and when flicking to BBC1 Eurovision was on. I told my bird that it was all politics and the reason the UK had no points was because of the war that had just started in Iraq. My bird pipes up, "How many points have America got then?"

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RedBrian84 Experienced

RedBrian84

Posted
Posted

Was out with the family on a pub crawl in Liverpool a few years back, and my auntie- god bless her, lovely woman but not too tightly wrapped- looks at the road, where there is a manhole cover, and decides to make a statement in support of sexual equality:

 

"I think that's just really sexist. Why can't they call them womanholes?"

 

Jesus.

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