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So now we know who is through and who is going home and none of it is really too surprising although there were one or two scares along the way, not least for Germany. None of the big boys are out though and that’s because UEFA let too many teams into the tournament and then compounded that by allowing a load of third place losers go through to the knockouts. I’m not a fan of the increased number of teams but at least the whole ‘third place’ thing reduced the number of dead rubber games and as a consequence of that this final round of group fixtures was pretty entertaining on the whole. Three qualified from Group C with Ukraine just sneaking through as a third placed loser. North Macedonia finished bottom on no points but they gave a decent account of themselves and had some good moments in every game. They threw everything at Holland early on and were desperately unlucky not to go ahead. They had a goal disallowed for a marginal offside and also hit the post. Then Depay got them on the counter attack and Holland never looked back. Depay then put one on a plate for Gini to make it 2-0. He also had a hand in another for the skipper when his shot was saved and the beautiful little bastard pounced on the rebound for his third goal of the tournament. Gini now has more goals for Holland than Van Basten. He’s much sexier too. Joint top scorer in the tournament (before Ronaldo gazumped him with three fucking pens) and probably the best player so far too. We fucking better have something up our sleeve to replace him or this will take a lot of getting over. Austria secured second spot by beating Ukraine 1-0 thanks to a 20th minute header by Baumgartner. They were wearing an Arsenal kit for some reason. I always thought Austria had the same home kit as Germany, but maybe I imagined that. *No, just googled and they did always play in white shirts and black shorts so fuck knows what’s going on here. Why would anyone want to emulate Arsenal?? I don't mind Ukraine but I’m glad they missed out on 2nd spot to Austria just because that little Zinchenko prick plays for them. That’s petty of me I know, but it’s who I am and I make no apologies for it. He winds me up because he’s always giving it the big un even though he’s crap and the only reason he’s had any kind of career at City is because every £50m full back they’ve bought to replace him has ended up being even more shite than him. Belgium are through on maximum points even though Bobby Brown Shoes made a number of changes for their game with Finland. The Belgians have the exact same squad of players they’ve had for ten years. They wheeled out the back ups and I was expecting some promising youngsters. Instead it was Vermaelen, Witzel, Denayer, Boyata, Chadli, Batshuayi, Benteke!!!… fucking hell. Doku is the only new blood in there. Oh, and young Nigel Farage from Brighton. Finland dug in and defended doggedly but it looked like Lukaku had finally broke their resistance when he collected a slide rule pass from De Bruyne (ridiculously good that) and smashed it home. I didn’t think there was even a whiff of offside about it even after seeing the replay. Then they got the lines out and it was chalked off. Big toe was off apparently, although even after looking at the freeze-frame it looked like the defender’s arse played him on. The next freeze-frame they showed he was offside, but the ball had clearly left De Bruyne’s foot on that one. Some PL style shenanigans going on there. Was David Coote working VAR? The reprieve didn’t last long as Vermaelen’s header hit the bar and rebounded in off the keeper’s hand and then Lukaku got the goal he’d been threatening all night to make the game safe. Finland are a bit shite and just qualifying was an achievement for them. Kudos for the gorgeous kit too. One of the best that one. The result did Denmark a favour but the question was could they do themselves one? They led 2-0 against Russia thanks to goals by Damsgaard and Poulsen but when they conceded from a phantom pen it could have gotten nervy for them. Fucking awful decision that, and for all the praise the refs have had to this point I have to say this third round of fixtures saw some real clangers. Thankfully it didn’t hurt the Danes in the end because their home crowd was incredible and they just rode the wave of emotion to roll over the sorry Russians. Christensen lashed in a thunderbastard to make it 3-1 and their impressive left back Maele added a fourth. Credit to Denmark who were excellent. I’m taking nothing away from them but I need to talk once more about Russia and how unforgivably fucking hopeless they are. The biggest country in Europe, loads of money flying around in their domestic league and there isn’t one player in that team whose name I can even remember. Honestly, I’m trying to think now and I can’t tell you a single player in that squad. Bunch of fucking nobodies. They never have anyone playing for the top clubs either. Who was the last one? Arshavin or Smertin maybe? Or that left back who was understudy at Chelsea to Ashley Cole. Jerkoff. Oh, for fucks sake, what was his name? As you’ve probably gathered from previous round ups, I’m irrationally annoyed about Russia being this shit. They remind me of Arsenal in that sense. With everything at their disposal there’s no excuse for them being this pathetic. Absolute fucking losers. If it were up to me Russia would be banned from competing in these tournaments. I’d let them play their own mini-tournament with China and America. Three nations responsible for most of the shit that goes on in the world, with fucking massive populations and not one top class footy player among them. Absolute fucking waste of time they are, all three of them. Stick to the spying, the cold wars and causing shit in other countries because footy just isn’t for you. I didn’t watch England because the Scotland game had much higher stakes than what was essentially a dead rubber at Wembley. England games are always boring as shit anyway but this one had stinker written all over it as both teams were through and neither really wanted to win the group. So I swerved it and I didn’t miss much by all accounts. Sterling scored an early tap in and that was enough as the Czechs were happy enough with their position. By securing top spot in the group England have hopefully signed their own death warrant now. So yeah I watched the other game and Scotland played well against Croatia. They played well in the other two games as well I thought but they’ve been carrying that fucking bum Lyndon Dykes up front for three games and you just can’t do that. Seriously, he might be the worst footballer I’ve ever seen at this level. He literally does nothing well. His touch is horrific, he’s not quick, he doesn’t win any headers, he doesn’t link up the play, his positional play is shite…. he’s just fucking brutal. Yet he played virtually every minute of this competition. He defo knows where Steve Clarke has buried the bodies because there’s just no way you’d pick him otherwise. The fact he kept being left out there while Adams was subbed makes it all the more mental. Ryan Fraser came on and did more in five minutes than that yard dog has done in three whole games. It isn’t his fault that he’s shite but it angered me having to watch him. Steve Clarke should be sacked immediately for inflicting him on the viewing public. I enjoyed watching the Scots though and for a while in this game their dream was well and truly alive. When they equalised it was a great moment and I was buzzing for them. They had some good chances, played some nice stuff and threatened to take the lead a couple of times. Then Luca Modric said ‘that’s enough of that” and killed them stone dead. Wonderful goal from a wonderful player. He then made the third with a stunning set-piece delivery onto the head of my boy Perisic and that was that. Bye bye Scotland. Having a superstar just makes it so much easier though. Scotland more than matched Croatia but Modric just stepped up and carried his team through. Superstars can do that. That’s why Wales always have a chance despite usually being outmatched man for man. They’ve got Bale so if they can keep it close he can always pop up with something like Modric did. Scotland on the other hand are looking to John McGinn. I like him, he’s a good player but he’s not putting a team on his shoulders and carrying them over the line. The latest rumour is that we’re looking at him to replace Gini. I’ll say again, I like John McGinn, he’s a good player, but if this happens it’s Suarez and Rickie Lambert only without the massive profit. If he was coming in as a complimentary piece and Gini was staying, I’d be all in. As a replacement though? Fuck. That. Four games on Wednesday as the final 16 qualifiers were decided. The afternoon had an unexpectedly thrilling game between Poland and Sweden. Yes, I said Sweden. The Swedes took the lead in the second minute through Forsberg and as soon as that went in I imagine most people just switched over to the other game because I’d have put good money on Sweden shutting up shop completely and boring their way to a 0-0. To be fair, they tried. They had a huge let off when Lewandowski headed against the bar twice in as many seconds. It looked like he’d bundle in the second rebound but somehow it ended up being smuggled away. Forsberg added a nice second (good player him) and it looked to be all over. Then Lewandowski took over. He curled one into the top corner to start the comeback and Poland then had an equaliser ruled out for offside. Panic was setting in for Sweden though and Lewandowski cooly slotted in his second with five minutes left. The draw was no good for Poland though and they had to try to force a winner, but Sweden held their nerve and picked them off deep into stoppage time when Claesson slotted in the winner. Turns out the Swedes can play when they need to. They’ve got Ukraine next and I think I’ll be rooting for them as I give them more chance of knocking over England if, God forbid, it comes to that. The other game was shite. Slovakia offered absolutely nothing against Spain and deservedly got spanked 5-0. They couldn’t even take advantage of their keeper saving an early pen from Morata. When that happened you’re thinking maybe Spain could be in trouble, but then the very same keeper then punches into his own net soon after and that was that. Spain ran out comfortable winners in the end, but nobody is convinced by them are they? They’re a bit average I think. All piss and farts. If they were a player they’d be Naby Keita. Laporte headed in their second, Serabia made it 3-0 and then goals from Torres and another Slovakia oggy wrapped it up. I was wondering what the French word for “turncoat” is. I was going to google it but I’ll just assume it’s “Laporte”. If it isn’t, it should be now. Man City prick. That own goal by Dubravka though. Fucking hell, that’s some Pickford levels of clownery that. He’s such a weird keeper him. He’ll make ten great saves one week and then the next week he’s letting one go through his legs. He’s had so many brilliant games for Newcastle and if he could cut out the howlers he’d be one of the best in the league. He must be cursing his luck he wasn’t born in France because he’s basically Hugo Lloris without the undeserved reputation. And speak of the devil, he blundered against Portugal to concede a first half penalty when he punched Danilo in the head. Those are never given as penalties but they should be. Lloris argued that he got a touch on the ball, which is technically true but only because the ball got in the way as he tried to take Danilo’s head off. He connected with the punch and then his elbow followed through and smashed into Danilo’s head too just for good measure. Danilo went off at half time as a result of it. The Spanish ref, who seems to have been around for my entire lifetime without ever getting any older, pointed to the spot and VAR were happy with the decision. Ronaldo buried the pen with ease and I was still praising the ref for his decision when he went and undid all the good work by awarding one at the other end in farcical circumstances. I didn’t have a horse in this race and have no love for either team, but that decision genuinely angered me and had me rooting hard for Portugal afterwards. It was a fucking scandal. Mbappe was blocked off, legally, by Sameda and he hurled himself to the floor in desperation. 99 times out of 100 in this tournament refs have looked disdainfully at the forwards and waved for them to get to their feet. I couldn’t believe when he blew for a pen. But VAR would sort it, surely. After all, this is exactly why it exists, to overturn clear and obvious mistakes like this and prevent serious injustice. Nope, they went with the refs shitty decision and just like that France were level through Benzema. I can’t stand him and I have no idea why. He just looks like a sleazy bastard. I think he has some allegations of scandal in his past doesn’t he? Wasn’t he trying to blackmail one of his team-mates over some sex tape? My memory isn’t what it was these days but my radar when it comes to scumbags is usually bang on. So if I think Benzema is a cunt, chances are he is. Going back to the refereeing though, Mark Clattenberg was on Carra’s podcast last week and something he said came back to me after seeing what the ref did here. Clattenberg referenced the derby game when he sent off Hibbert and didn’t give a pen against Carra when he tangled with Lescott. That day there were four or five ’subjective’ decisions and he gave every one of them in our favour and he wasn’t allowed to ref again at Goodison for seven years. He said at the time he wasn’t aware of how it will have looked to Everton and he just gave each decision based on how he saw it. It was only afterwards when he was getting so much shit that he realised that the ‘mistake’ he’d made was to not even out the subjective calls. He basically said that from then on when decisions were 50-50 he would look to even them out for both teams. That’s what the Spanish ref was doing here, I’m sure of it. Even though he got the first one right he knew the French were furious about it and maybe thought he might get some stick for it, so the first chance he got to level things up he took it. I wouldn’t have thought about it like that if I hadn’t heard Clattenberg speak so openly about it, but now it just seems so obvious that’s what happened. Anyway, Benzema then put France ahead just after half time with a smart finish. Initially it looked like it would be ruled out for offside but VAR deemed it ok. This was a nightmare scenario now because Hungary were leading against Germany and all of a sudden England were going to be meeting the Hungarians in the last 16. That’s not how this was supposed to go down, for fucks sake. I switched over to the Germany game at this point hoping to see them equalise. They looked fucking terrible. Awful decision making, complete lack of confidence and if anything it felt like Hungary were the more likely scorers. In the meantime, the ref awarded Portugal another pen to make up for the mistake he made with the French one, and Ronaldo again tucked it away to move Portugal back up into second spot. I was ok with that as I’d have fancied Portugal to get a result at Wembley, but I still needed Germany to score just in case France managed another goal as there’s no way I wanted Hungary facing England. Have you seen how easy the draw is for England if they get through this next game? Fuck that, I need them out in this next round, and Hungary weren’t going to do that so I’m watching and getting more and more pissed off with the German ineptitude. And then top red Pete Gulacsi came miles from his goal and flapped at a set-piece, allowing Hummels to head one goal wards and Havertz was on hand to get it over the line. Huge relief for Germany and for me. I put the France game back on and a minute later they brought everyone up to speed with the fact Germany had scored. And then, to my horror, I hear “but incredibly, straight from the kick off THIS happened….” Oh fucking hell Germany, you stupid cunts, what have you done? So I put that game back on, desperately wanting a German equaliser which certainly didn’t have an inevitable feeling about it. They weren’t peppering Gulacsi’s goal and they looked like they were really struggling. They were so desperate they even put Timo Walcott on. The only thing I saw that bum do was attempt a volley from the halfway line that went backwards into his own half. Shite. Still, if he scores the winner at Wembley all is forgiven. Eventually Germany forced the equaliser. Some 18 year old they brought on to play on the left created the goal. He plays for Bayern but came through Chelsea’s Academy they said. Born in Germany, raised in England but wanted to play for Germany rather than England. A kid after my own heart. He looked lively and it was good play by him that led to another sub, Goretzka, firing in from 16 yards to make it 2-2 with five minutes left and send Germany through. After that goal they were untroubled as Hungary were just shattered. They had nothing left in the tank. Couple of things from the France game I wanted to pick up on, both involving Lloris. Firstly, the coin toss. He’s there with Ronaldo and the officials, and they all shake hands before the ref tosses the coin. Then after the coin toss they do it again, only this time the ref decides he’s going to mix things up and instead of a handshake he goes with a fist bump. Ronaldo sees this and reciprocates. Lloris doesn’t, he goes in for the handshake and ends up just wrapping his hand around the refs fist and shaking it up and down. I was cringing like fuck from my couch as that’s something I would have done. The best thing about Covid is it has more or less removed handshakes from everyday life and therefore reduced my stress levels massively. I absolutely hate handshakes because there’s just too much can go wrong, and even if I get it right I usually end up with my small 'Brendan Rodgers hand' just getting swallowed up in the handshake. It’s just horrible, I hate it. I’ve mentioned in a previous round up about one of the worst moments of my entire life. During the school run years ago and I’m walking down the road one way, and one of the other dads (who has since become a good mate but was just a casual acquaintance back then) is coming in the other direction. He puts his hand out for a ‘drive by handshake’ as we pass, but I misjudge it and ended up grabbing his middle finger and shaking it. I wanted to die. I was cringing so hard I almost ground my teeth down to dust, but I just continued walking, although with my toes curled up as much as they were I don’t know how I stayed upright. I’m mortified even now as it all comes back to me. I’ve mentioned it to him since and he has no recollection of it but it still haunts me. So yeah, handshakes can fuck off and I hope they never come back. Touching elbows is fine as we all know where we stand there and very little can go wrong. The other Lloris related thing I wanted to mention was when a high ball was played in looking for Ronaldo. Now Ronaldo is over six feet tall and jumps like a fucking kangaroo. Lloris is a bit shorter than him, but he comes out and jumps with Ronaldo for the ball and he claims it off Ronaldo’s head. No big deal, it’s what you’d expect as a keeper can use his hands. When I saw it I immediately thought of that cunt Shilton, and how he’s spent well over half of his life moaning about the “Hand of God”. Don’t blame Maradona for that, blame yourself and your concrete boots, you stupid curly headed brexit fuck. Shilton had a height advantage of almost a foot and he could use his arms. He got beaten to the ball by a five foot six lad. THAT’S the real crime in that situation. Anyway, just something I thought was worthy of a mention as any excuse to dig out Shilton. Back to the other game finally, and the atmosphere in Munich was really fucking weird. The German fans around the stadium were socially distanced which gave the stands an empty look and there didn’t seem to be much noise coming from the home fans at all. The Hungarians meanwhile, fucked social distancing off completely and were massed in a big group behind the goal, making all kinds of noise and turning this into a home game for them. It felt like a Europa League game in some obscure Eastern European stadium rather than a major tournament fixture in the Allianz Arena. Bit of a joke really, but I’ll take it as imagine how fucking dreadful this tournament would be in empty stadiums. So in summary, thank fuck for that Germany equaliser. Normally I’d have been rooting for the underdogs but not this time. It wasn’t just about who would potentially play England either, although that was the main reason if I’m being completely honest. Fuck Hungary though, the backwards thinking right wing cunts. One of the lads in the chat said if they got through to play England then he might have to root for England because he couldn’t support Hungary and their rampant racist, homophobic ways. I totally get that, but I still replied that I’d support the German team from Escape to Victory if they were playing England next week.