rb14

Repped for "changies".

Ace report you big gayer. But I might have to pull you off, sorry, up for; "I've made my peace... especially after we managed to salvage our season with this result." Yes, this has been a remorseless, painful, extraordinary ride, but after that Lukaku's-arse-missing-red-card-dodging fuckwit's goal on Tuesdee, I was, and still am in the 'what a fucking incredible ride it's been, whatever happens now' camp. And tell me we'll be having sex in Madrid in a few weeks' time? Just don't tell Al or Ted. Or John. Or Woo. Or Joolz.

I think I just witnessed magic. Fuck me senseless.

I'm totally appalled. Massive thanks to you all for this. I'm off to report the fukkaz now.

I really think it's been too long since I reported any of this outrage. Is anybody with me?

Shame you were a bit slow getting to your brick wall and I missed you and the boys. I did chuck some leftover lobster thermidor claws at you all, but a gust of wind took them.

"someone will eventually end up being hit for three or four by (Salah), probably Fulham next week" Oh FFS. Fulham now nailed on for our second defeat of the season. But in fairness, you're right about Alisson's booking. Utterly disgraceful. I was almost choking on my (surprisingly good) hospitality full english. I've truly never seen anything like that. Unbelievable. The booking that is, not the full english. Oh and Adam Lallana. Superb performance. MOM before half time.

Confirming my point. You could just have said "fair enough" or something. Better to have another pop eh?

Are you really taking that seriously, or just a fucking knob? Seriously, this sort of reply is why I am getting properly disillusioned with TLW.

Really? You sure about that? Without thinking about it too much I offer you Exhibit 1989.

"Maybe that’s because I was a lazy, infuriating twat..." Just struggling with the "was". I too was terrified by this fixture (fair to say I'm terrified by all fixtures now, but this was supersize terrifying) so I think it was a brilliant three points. Keita a fucking waste of space. We were playing with 10 men as long as that streak of shite was on the pitch. And notable that your only mention of Fabinho was his substitution. He was poor at Brighton and I remain completely unconvinced by him after Saturday's non-performance. In fact, despite playing midfield on Saturday, his game plan was exactly the same as it had been the weekend before at Brighton when he was right centre half: receive the ball, pass it to Virge. Get the ball again, pass it to Virge. Almost as woeful as Keita. Millie did a brilliant job of trying to contain the world-class Zaha and yet being about our most creative attacker. He desperately needed Fabinho to give him additional protection but it rarely came. Mo was brilliant. He could have been considered for your starman rating you know. When we went 2-1 up, the fella next to me said "Dangerous score 2-1 you know". My reply was "Not as dangerous as 2-2." Should have kept my trap shut. Am I alone in wanting to kick Hendo's fucking teeth in? Will he NEVER FUCKING SHOOT? You want to be Stevie Gerrard but you won't shoot. The opportunities and time on the ball in perfect positions he gets every fucking game and he WILL NOT SHOOT. I swear, if I were the oppo and he got the ball anywhere near the D, I'd send every player away from him and tell my keeper to queue up for a latte coz tthe one place IT WILL NOT GO is towards the goal. Jesus you dick, fucking fire it at the target a couple of times a game. The world won't collapse when you miss, you know. Christ. Sorry not to pop over before the game, but we were a bit last-minute-Larry arriving and I had to choose between some deeply forgettable free hospitality scran, or saying hi to you, Joolz and the rest. It was never in question.

Liverpool penalty at Old Trafford. Comedy genius.

Couldn't belive MOTD singled him out for praise this evening. For me he was almost certainly our weakest player against Brighton. He seemed nervous and spent almost the entire game passing it to VVD five metres away. The other two successful pass completions were to Gini who was three metres away. I was waiting for two things in that match: Fabinho making a royal cock-up to concede a goal for the draw; or Friend stiffing us again (again again). Speaking to a few of their supporters after the game, they reckon the only team Friend hates more than Liverpool is them!

One missed penno at Anfield. Who'd have thought it? Still don't think it even was a penno. Amazing last few games. Everton, Burnley and Bournemouth. Sounds like nothing but I was not happy going in to any of them. Banana skins all three. To come out the other side with 9 points is totally boss. But the shite next weekend? I think I'll wear all my rainbow gear if we give them the battering we're capable of. But needless to say, I'm fucking terrified. And as for Mo and his stares? I saw none of that and it sounds at best unsavoury. It best not be about being subbed the other week coz he's been close to gash at times this season. Bobby too.

Details. Nobody cares about the week's report. The whole of the western world awaits your Bournemouth report. You can post it on here right after you post my t-shirt.