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Spurs battered Chelsea at Wembley to inflict a first league defeat of the campaign on Sarri’s men. That leaves us and City as the last of the undefeated, although it doesn’t really feel like it given how we’re continually being beaten like a red headed step son in Europe. Spurs went ahead when Alli headed in an Eriksen free-kick. Very little has been said about it but that free-kick was awarded out wide after an outrageous dive by Kane, who went airborne after what was at most extremely minimal contact from David Luiz. Chelsea had further cause to be aggrieved when Martin Atkinson somehow failed to spot that Hazard was fouled in the box by that Spurs centre back who no-one has heard of. He’s shite him, he’s made big mistakes every time I’ve seen him. The defender I mean, not Martin Atkinson, although the same applies to him obviously. Hazard went down again soon after and again Atkinson was unimpressed. He was looking for it this time, but it could easily have been given and probably should have been, if only to make up for the staggering shit decision to not give him the earlier one. Ordinarily I’d have no sympathy for Hazard, who loves a dive, but a draw would have been the better result for us here and a penalty at that point would have changed the game. Instead, Spurs went down the other end and Kane made it 2-0 with a shot from distance that the world’s most expensive keeper just stood and watched go into his net. Shite that. Never even made an attempt to save it and it wasn’t even that good a shot. The lively Son made it 3-0 with what initially looked like a brilliant solo effort. A lot of the shine is taken off it though when you look at who he beat. Jorginho was pulling two caravans and Sideshow Bob was in Krusty the Clown mode all day. This reminded me of when everyone was creaming themselves over the goal Hazard scored against us at Anfield a few months back. That looked class too, but then you realise it was Moreno trying to stop him and you have to take some style points off just because of that. Giroud headed a consolation but Sarri wasn’t impressed at all. He could have moaned about the penalty they didn’t get and blamed the defeat on that, but to his credit he just pointed out that they didn’t play well and were soundly beaten. Interviewer: “If you’re looking for positives, Ross Barkley did well when he came on. Were you happy with him?” Sarri: “No. Today I wasn’t happy with anybody.” I like him, he seems like a genial fella but you can tell he’s got that old wiseguy vibe about him and you defo wouldn’t want to get on his wrong side. My Chelsea supporting mate told me months ago that Jorginho can’t run and can’t defend, and that playing him as the deepest midfielder and using Kante further forward would cost them. Until now it hadn’t, but that was more through luck than good judgement (we were shite when we went there for example), but Spurs exploited it perfectly and Jorginho was tormented all day. You can get away with not being able to run in Italy (I still haven’t given up hope of one day making it in Serie A), but not over here. Having the world’s best holding midfielder and playing him further forward seems mental to me, but I’m not complaining if it harms Chelsea’s title prospects. Fulham against Southampton was surprisingly good, especially because Mark Hughes ended up empty handed again. It was Ranieri’s first game since taking charge at Craven Cottage and it was a dream start for him as they came from behind to win a five goal thriller. It wasn’t enough to lift them off the bottom but they’ve closed the gap to a point. I don’t know who that Armstrong lad for Southampton is, but he scored two and could easily have had more. Southampton played quite well and will be wondering how they lost, but Fulham have quality up top and if you don’t defend well you’ll pay the price. Southampton didn’t defend well. Armstrong’s first gave the Saints a well deserved early lead but Fulham hit back with a brilliantly worked equaliser that saw Mitrovic head home after some lovely one touch football in the build up. Schurrle then fired them ahead from close range after Sessegnon got clear down the left and delivered a buffet ball into the middle. Armstrong smashed one into the top corner from 18 yards to bring Southampton level again but Mitrovic volleyed in the winner. Mitrovic was unplayable on the day. He’s a really good player actually, I’m willing to accept that now. When he first came over here he was a massive hothead who always looked like he was going to get sent off, but he looks to have matured and he’ll probably score enough goals to keep Fulham up. That’s how it often goes at the bottom. If you’ve got someone who can get between 15-20 goals you’ve got a real chance. I mean Benteke almost single handedly kept Villa up three years running and then did the same for Palace before he suddenly forgot how to play football. Glenn Murray’s goals are keeping Brighton safe too, but the likes of Huddersfield, Newcastle and Cardiff don’t have a goalscorer. Fulham do so they’ve got a chance, especially with Ranieri and his midas touch there now. The most predictable result of the weekend saw City roll over West Ham without having to break sweat. I know they’re good but it’s ridiculous the way teams are setting up to play them. Seriously, watch City’s goals and they’re fucking identical every week. Almost every goal they score comes from someone getting to the byline in the box and delivering a low cross for someone to tap in. I mean fucking hell, Sterling is making an entire career out of getting on the end of them. To be fair he creates a few as well, such as the opening goal that he delivered for David Silva. How any times have we seen that though? Low cross, runners in the box, goal. Rinse and repeat. Sterling then tapped in one from Sane. Trademark Sterling. Back post, yard out, couldn’t miss. West Ham rallied a little and managed a couple of shots against the woodwork before City added a third through Sane. How did that come about? You guessed it, Sterling getting in round the back and rolling a low cross into him. Of course, oui. You’d think that maybe opposing teams would do a bit of homework on it and at least put up some sort of resistance, but it hasn’t happened yet so I won’t hold my breath. City are capable of scoring in all sorts of different ways, but for fucks sake, at least try and take away their main source of goals and make them beat you another way. City added a late fourth when, yep, that’s right, Jesus got in round the back and picked out Sane for his second of the game. Congratulations West Ham, you managed to concede four goals in virtually the exact same manner. There’s an old saying in Tennessee. Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me twice… I forget that bit, but fool me four times and I must be West Ham. Absolute deadbeats. Speaking of deadbeats, Everton had a narrow 1-0 win over Cardiff that wasn’t as close as the score suggested. The blues played some good stuff at times and had loads of chances, but only managed the one goal when Sigurdsson tapped in a rebound from close range. Neil Warnock wasn’t happy with the ref afterwards, but the focus of his displeasure wasn’t something as major as a disallowed goal or the none award of a penalty. No, Warnock was fuming about not getting a throw in near the halfway line. Don’t ever change, Colin. Seriously, he’s great. I could listen to him complain all day, the funny bastard. Everton are starting to run into a bit of form now and are in the top six. Gomes played well and we’ll have to watch Mina on set-pieces this weekend as the fucker is about nine foot tall and knows where the goal is. Elsewhere, Brighton missed a good opportunity to claim three points against ten man Leicester. Murray headed them in front and then their cause was made easier by a ludicrous red card for Maddison. Ludicrous in the sense that it was incredibly stupid as he dived in the box about a minute after being booked for a needless trip. I like him as a player, but that was bad. Leicester kept chipping away even with ten men and eventually got their reward with ten minutes left when Vardy came off the bench to smash in a penalty. It was a reckless tackle from the Brighton lad but he didn’t actually make contact with Iheanacho, who did a better job of selling the non-foul than Maddison had done earlier. The Mancs were held at home by Wilfried Palace. They were lucky to even get that as Palace had the better chances and had a goal ruled out for offside. It was just about the right decision but it was fucking close. Fellaini should have been sent off for a nasty over the top foul. He looks fucking weird without his afro, but there’s definitely no Samson thing happening here after getting all his locks chopped off, as he’s still just as snide and shite as he was before. I’d never noticed it before because the hair is all you ever see when you look at him, but he’s a right funny looking bastard. He should grow it back asap as he needs something to distract people from that face. He looks like someone generated him on FIFA as a piss take. He’s like a fucking Ghosbuster though. Whenever United are in trouble, it’s “Who ya gonna call? Fellaini”. He saved Jose’s bacon a few days later with a stoppage time winner to clinch qualification to the knock out stages of the Champions League. Mourinho was way too fired up about that, but I guess he must get his kicks out of sticking it to Young Boys. It’s weird though, I don’t think of them as a Champions League side and every time a round of games comes around I’m expecting them to be playing on a Thursday. I’m serious. I’m not saying that to take the piss, for whatever reason my brain just isn’t accepting it. A few times I’ve been in the car and heard it mentioned on the news that United have a Champions League game that night. My instinctive reaction every time has been to blurt out “erm no, they’re in the Europa”. And then I realise, “shit yeah, they finished second last year”. It’s just weird, I can’t train my brain to acknowledge it. Probably because they were the worst second placed side in history and they look every inch a Europa League team these days. I do that “talking to the radio” thing a lot though, especially when I’m in the car on my own. A few weeks ago an advert came on saying “how would you like to see Ed Sheehan live” and before I knew it I was blurting out “I’d rather see him dead”. Wasn’t my finest hour. Anyway, onto Sunday. The hoodoo I put on Bournemouth continued as they lost at home to Arsenal. Brooks had an early goal incorrectly ruled out for offside. Eddie Howe said “we were a little unlucky with some decisions”. That’s as angry as you’re ever like to see Nice Guy Eddie. In Eddie Howe terms, that was the equivalent of someone like Mourinho or Neil Warnock taking a baseball bat into the ref’s office. Poor Jefferson Lerma had a right Jon Walters of a day. He spectacularly volleyed into his own net to put the Gunners in front and then gave away a stupid free-kick that led to Arsenal’s winner after Bournemouth had got back on level terms. Josh King’s finish on the stroke of half time was glorious. Left foot, first time, top corner. Bang. Great goal. Lerma almost made amends with a 30 yarder that hit the post, but in terms of blame for the defeat, it’s 50% on him and 50% on me and my jinxing big mouth. Sorry Bournemouth. Unai Emery is weird. He’s been watching Peaky Blinders to help with his English. Not sure that’s the best idea in the world as no-one wants to talk like that, but he defo needs help of some sort as he sounds like someone doing a really bad, over the top Spanish accent. Can’t believe Huddersfield won at Wolves. I doubt anyone saw that coming. They fully deserved it too and played some good stuff. The win saw them go from bottom to 15th. I suspect it won’t be long until they’re bottom again, or pretty close to it anyway, but this was a good performance. They don’t have a striker worthy of the name and that’s really hurting them, but they’ve played some decent stuff this season with no reward. Aaron Mooy got both goals from outside the box. This time last year I was calling him ‘my boy Mooy’ but somewhere along the way he fell from favour. I’m fickle like that, but the door isn’t closed for him. He’s good, but I think my favourite Huddersfield player these days is Philip Billing. He’s got a great left foot and he’s played well whenever I’ve seen him this season, and he’s achieved ‘my boy’ status after this performance. Wolves are weird though. At times they’ve looked great but they’ve lost some games they really shouldn’t have lost. I suppose when you have so many new players some inconsistency is to be expected, but maybe some of them think games like this are beneath them? *points at Ruben Neves and Moutinho* It’s all well and good doing it against Man City and Arsenal, but it’s a waste of time if you stink it up against Huddersfield, Brighton, Watford and Everton. Finally, Newcastle won 2-1 at Burnley. The Geordies are awful but have squeezed out three wins in a row and sit four points above the relegation zone. I still think they’ll be in the relegation shake up but there will almost certainly be three worse teams than them, and Burnley might well be one of them. Whatever it was that Dyche had going last season has well and truly gone now and they look every inch a Championship side. They can’t keep blaming the Europa League either, as they’re as bad now as when they were playing twice a week. There’s just nothing to like about them either. Some of the other sides down there at least have some redeeming qualities. Huddersfield are plucky and honest, Fulham play some lovely stuff and are good to watch, Cardiff have the entertainment factor with Warnock, but what do Burnley have? The worst club badge in football, a manager who loves the smell of his own farts and sounds like he’s been inhaling too many of them, and a kit and stadium that looks like it’s been transported from the 1970s. If they go, no-one will miss them.