Fat Sam twittering

[dave u]

The Gerrard one is fucking fantastic. Big Sam is class as well.

[Crazyhorse7778]

Fat Sam's last few have been brilliant.

 

Decided to teach myself Karate. It's going well so far.

 

Get fucking in - the missus just went to the shop and brought me back a Snickers Ice-Cream and the new Panini World Cup 2010 sticker album.

 

The missus wanted a go at placing one of the stickers, so I let her put in Dario Veron of Paraguay. As usual, she fucked it up.

 

It's wonkier than Heather Mills on a skateboard. I exploded. Called her a "pile of fucking arse seepage" and give her a kick on the muff.

 

I've calmed down now, though. Sent her on to bed so I can tuck into this Snickers and catch up with the lovely ladies from 'The Hills'.

[RedKnight]

From teh Gerrard one:

 

Lucas keeps texting me asking me for advice. He thinks I'm his fucking mentor. Sometimes I call him Xabi by "mistake" when I text back

[Wor Horse]

The missus wanted a go at placing one of the stickers, so I let her put in Dario Veron of Paraguay. As usual, she fucked it up.

 

That is ace.

[RedKnight]

And this:

 

Carras going on about the pro evo tournament. Asked him when was the last time he scored a goal. He said "ya ma on toast". Done me there.

 

Crying laughing.

[Juniper]

TheBig_Sam

Can't sit and relive old memories, though. I'm a man of the future. And my immediate future is a box of Maltesers and a wank in the garden.

 

Just finished a 47-minute MSN chat with Sir Alex. It had everything. It was informative, entertaining, educational, sexy AND intriguing. But it's so soul-destroying to finish such a magical chat and then have to listen to the missus talk nonsense and look at her shit tits.

 

I'm in a right horny mood. Had a high-intensity wank while running on the treadmill earlier. The cleaners will earn their money today.

 

 

There's a strange aura coming from an old tree at the bottom of our garden. It's hard to describe. When I'm near it I feel light-headed yet masterful, powerful and calm. I'm starting to wonder if it's the source of my managerial powers.I have given this tree - this powerful gift from mother nature - a name: The Tree of Enchantment and Infinite Dreams.

 

Scrap all that - just realised there's a massive can of turps behind the fucking tree, with no lid on it. Should really get rid of it.

 

 

Driving up the road with 4 Non Blondes on the stereo on full blast. Feel like a teenager again, ready to change the world.

[Hooch]

Class.

 

Theres a Lucas one knocking about but it seems like a bit of a rip off of the Gerrard one.

[dave u]

Stevie on form today:

 

Arrived in that there London. Get to the Eurostar station and immediately spot Danny Dyer in WH Smith. Tunnel face on. Snarled. Shitbag.

 

On the Eurostar. Thought I had 2 seats 2 meself then who comes and sits next to me? Lucas. Ipod on, shuffle, bit of Meatloaf.

[Juniper]

Stevie on form today:

 

Arrived in that there London. Get to the Eurostar station and immediately spot Danny Dyer in WH Smith. Tunnel face on. Snarled. Shitbag.

 

On the Eurostar. Thought I had 2 seats 2 meself then who comes and sits next to me? Lucas. Ipod on, shuffle, bit of Meatloaf.

 

Some more from that account that had me pissing myself earlier.

 

Long journey to Madrid tonight. Carras sorted us a smart happy als coach from barnseys. No ale allowed though. Devo'd.

 

Yossi reckons we'll get away with vodka in a bottle of fanta. Me an carra are gonna put our cans inside pringle boxes though. Sorted.

 

Javier said we can just threaten to stab the driver if he trys to take the ale off us. We all laughed but I don't think he was joking.

[Steve Holt]

Gerrards is funny, but nothing beats BigSam here. Its unadulterated genius.

 

Drove up to see how big Phil Brown is getting on over the weekend. Just wanted to check up on him really. I wasn't prepared for what I saw.

 

He was lying in a a filthy old bath tub in his back garden, loudly reciting chapters from 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe'.

 

He saw me & started roaring like a Lion. Shouted: "Bow to Aslan! Bow to Aslan, you fat fucking poof!". His eyes were the eyes of the devil.

 

I tried to calm him down but he leapt out of the bath, yelled "fuck the Poll Tax" and ran off into the field behind his house. On all fours.

 

He tried to take down a Greyhound on his way up the lane, but he didn't notice the fella who was walking the dog. He got a bit of a hiding.

 

Big Sam can't babysit anyone, though. I've earth to scorch, enemies to flay, battles to win and empires to conquer.

[Lurtz]

This has had me in tears. Both Stevie and Big Sam.

 

Big Sam:

Have to pop down to the shop to get some McCain's Oven Chips and a tube of Vagisil for the missus. Might take my new Segway.

[Stu Monty]

Gerrards is funny, but nothing beats BigSam here. Its unadulterated genius.

 

Drove up to see how big Phil Brown is getting on over the weekend. Just wanted to check up on him really. I wasn't prepared for what I saw.

 

He was lying in a a filthy old bath tub in his back garden, loudly reciting chapters from 'The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe'.

 

He saw me & started roaring like a Lion. Shouted: "Bow to Aslan! Bow to Aslan, you fat fucking poof!". His eyes were the eyes of the devil.

 

I tried to calm him down but he leapt out of the bath, yelled "fuck the Poll Tax" and ran off into the field behind his house. On all fours.

 

He tried to take down a Greyhound on his way up the lane, but he didn't notice the fella who was walking the dog. He got a bit of a hiding.

 

Big Sam can't babysit anyone, though. I've earth to scorch, enemies to flay, battles to win and empires to conquer.

 

That's amazing.

[Antynwa]

Dirk keeps saying "thats what she said" even when it doesnt make sense. Gonna spark him in a minute.

[Stu Monty]

Anyone notice he called Terry by his Mongo moniker? Do we have a TLW influence on the man here?

[RedKnight]

That plus a Rafa/Jaffa cake reference, deffo someone who reads or posts on here.

[Nunavut Patrick]

Truly brilliant these are.

 

I've mental images of orange Phil Brown in a bathtub though.

[Paul]

That's amazing.

 

Indeed it is.

[andymc]

one of the latest big sam ones-this is brilliant

 

Wearing my Yankees baseball cap backwards today. Saw a postman giving me a funny look. Told him to "deal with it" and made a gang signal.

[Hand Shandy]

Big Sam is beauty and efficiency together. Like a big, sexy Hyundai.

[Hand Shandy]

These are outstanding:

 

We've got a sexy new postwoman round our way. Lovely thing she is. A smile that could make a rainbow blush. And tits the size Canada.

 

Was having a cracking little flirt with her today. Made her giggle with my Sade impression and by pretending to snatch her nose.

 

It went sour when I ripped open the parcel she delivered with my teeth, and some stool softener I'd ordered from the internet fell out.

 

She went red then left quickly. Said she had to finish her route. Looks like Big Sam messed up an opportunity to have a go at her route too.

[Wor Horse]

double post

[Wor Horse]

https://twitter.com/LucasLeiva21

 

Stopped off for lunch at a Michelin Star French restaurant. Jamie&Stevie had egg & chips. Agger had to eat standing up, his backs gone again

 

Aquilani and Degen have made a 'den' at the back of the coach out of sleeping bags. Sign on the front of it saying 'No Physios Allowed'

 

and then

 

Aquilani has hurt himself in the den. Typical. He can't move to get out and because of the sign, none of our physios can go in. Real dilemma

[King Emlyn]

These are outstanding:

 

We've got a sexy new postwoman round our way. Lovely thing she is. A smile that could make a rainbow blush. And tits the size Canada.

 

Was having a cracking little flirt with her today. Made her giggle with my Sade impression and by pretending to snatch her nose.

 

It went sour when I ripped open the parcel she delivered with my teeth, and some stool softener I'd ordered from the internet fell out.

 

She went red then left quickly. Said she had to finish her route. Looks like Big Sam messed up an opportunity to have a go at her route too.

Superb

[Paul]

https://twitter.com/LucasLeiva21

 

Stopped off for lunch at a Michelin Star French restaurant. Jamie&Stevie had egg & chips. Agger had to eat standing up, his backs gone again

 

Aquilani and Degen have made a 'den' at the back of the coach out of sleeping bags. Sign on the front of it saying 'No Physios Allowed'

 

and then

 

Aquilani has hurt himself in the den. Typical. He can't move to get out and because of the sign, none of our physios can go in. Real dilemma

 

Fuck me, that brought tears to my eyes. Proper fucking belly laughs here. Whoever is doing these is one very funny fucker.

[The Special One]

Few nice ladies walked into our carriage. Pepe quickly put his shades on and strolled over to them. I wish I had that charisma. What a man.