The world of a woman.

[Beno]

5 hours ago, Sugar Ape said:

She’s driving me mad at the moment. She can’t relax and sit down for a minute, she brushes the floor and mops about ten times a day and just generally follows me around getting on my nerves. 
 

I had a glass of juice yesterday, drank half then put it down while I went for a wee. Came back 30 seconds later and she’d emptied it down the sink, washed the cup and put it away in the cupboard. 
 

Or the other morning I went for a shower and got a clean pair of shorts out of my drawer to put on afterwards and took them in the bathroom with me. Get out the shower and she’d somehow snuck in like a fucking ninja and took my shorts which were already in the washing machine. 

Complete opposite from ours. We're 2 and half weeks into our isolation and my missus only gets up off the couch for a call of nature or to go to bed. 

[Captain Turdseye]

I’d kill for a bit of domestic violence right now. At the risk of coming across all Ron Jeremy, being cooped up because of this virus seems to have acted as some kind of aphrodisiac to my missus, especially for the last week or so. I can’t even walk past her without getting my arse squeezed. I honestly want to go to bed tonight and be allowed to just go to sleep.  

[General Dryness]

1 hour ago, Captain Turdseye said:

I’d kill for a bit of domestic violence right now. At the risk of coming across all Ron Jeremy, being cooped up because of this virus seems to have acted as some kind of aphrodisiac to my missus, especially for the last week or so. I can’t even walk past her without getting my arse squeezed. I honestly want to go to bed tonight and be allowed to just go to sleep.  

Probably because she cant get out to see her other men because of the lockdown.

 

Don't shoot the messenger. I'm only telling you what the spirits are telling me.

 

 

[Bjornebye]

3 minutes ago, General Dryness said:

Probably because she cant get out to see her other men because of the lockdown.

 

Don't shoot the messenger. I'm only telling you what the spirits are telling me.

 

 

Its not even 10 am there yet. Jesus wept. 

[Harry Squatter]

My mate and his mrs have separate bank accounts despite them being married with a couple of kids. He's been doing loads of mad hours racking up the overtime. His Mrs lost her debit card for the 5th time in 6 months so me let her use his while he was at work. She spent quite a bit on it but he just let it go and didnt say anything. 

 

She was out the other week and he asked her to pick up some beer for him. She was being all moody for days and said "when are you going to pay me back for those beers I bought?. About £7.50 compared to the £150 she spent using his card. He told her to fuck off and she wouldn't speak to him for about 2 weeks.

 

[Josef Svejk]

My kids have realised very quickly in lockdown conditions that dad (for all his flaws) is their ally and that mom (for all her efforts) is a fucking loon.

[General Dryness]

1 minute ago, Bjornebye said:

Its not even 10 am there yet. Jesus wept. 

Impressive mastery of the world clock there, young man.

[littletedwest]

She's worried about the coronavirus, told her she has many years of happy nagging in front of her, as I've no job now she's like Muhammad Ali in 1967

[Josef Svejk]

https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/mar/31/malaysian-government-apologises-over-coronavirus-lockdown-tips-for-women

[Jose Jones]

14 hours ago, Doctor Troy said:

Yep, and never let a woman go on about men goi g on about "Man flu". Women are the biggest fucking hypochondriacs going. Loads of the ones I've worked with down the years are off for months with mystery ailments and go on about colds like they have been run over by a Vigin Pendolino train.

Man flu is an actual biological fact, as you might have spotted with the coronavirus, and more men getting it than women.

Female immune systems are better at responding to the flu and similar viruses, so in general men get it worse.

[suzy]

I often have a good chuckle at this thread but I don’t normally post in here for obvious reasons.

Mr Suzy is not good at sitting still, I quite often tell him to sit and just chill. Isn’t he lucky?!
Bloody annoying we can’t go out though and buy tiles at the moment as our kitchen was half finished when lockdown started and it would keep him occupied this weekend!!

[manwiththestick]

I'm working from home and the kids are also at home whilst she has to go to work, albeit part time. This week our office has had to furlough a number of staff as things have got a bit quieter I'm (luckily?), still on full wage but picking up a bit of slack for colleagues who are not in. My hours are 8am-4pm.

 

Her this morning before she left for work.

 

Her: you know Kate from work?

Me: not personally

Her: well, her husband is also working from home.

Me: and?

Her: well whilst he's working at home he's done laundry, ironed and put away clothes, fed the kids and put away all dishes,  done Joe Wicks exercises and school work with their kids and even started wallpapering one of their rooms. What have you done whilst I'm out?

Me: worked from home, he obviously isn't or at least not his full hours.

Her: maybe he has better time management.

Me: no love, he's taking the piss whilst getting paid.

 

 

 

[Harry Squatter]

Bought some spaghetti from Aldi the other day, everything on the packet was in Italian, German, Russian and Arabic.

 

We had spaghetti for our tea before and she shouts me in whilst cooking it asking me if I think its ready. She said she didnt know how long to cook it for as all the instructions were in Italian. I just said it looked ready.

 

Putting the packet in the bin before and there was a picture on the front of a pan with steam coming out the top and a large 7 in a circle over it. With "Tempo do cottura  7 minuti"  next to it. You dont have to be a brain surgeon to work it out 

[Jose Jones]

The missus went out to the shop on a supply run earlier. “Get some biscuits” said I as she was heading out the door.

This is what she came back with:

 

[General Dryness]

42 minutes ago, Jose Jones said:

The missus went out to the shop on a supply run earlier. “Get some biscuits” said I as she was heading out the door.

This is what she came back with:

 

You've been Scotch Fingered.

[Lee909]

They look awful

[General Dryness]

6 minutes ago, Lee909 said:

They look awful

They're not great, like.

[Jose Jones]

8 minutes ago, Lee909 said:

They look awful

Exactly, who would look at the whole biscuit aisle and come back with those rotters?

[Strontium]

Did Captain Cook bring those over on Endeavour?

[VladimirIlyich]

52 minutes ago, Strontium Dog™ said:

Did Captain Cook bring those over on Endeavour?

Yes,and he left them on it with rat poison attached. Needless to say that the rats wouldn't touch them.

[Special K]

I pretty sure my wife's just called into This Morning putting 3 different voices on

 

The phone in was "Am I being Unreasonable?"

 

1st caller - I'm upset because my husband can leave the house but I can't
2nd caller - I'm upset my husband won't do any jobs around the house
3rd caller - I want my husband to sleep in the spare room

[Chip Butty]

Her: People have been furlonged in work today

Me: What do you mean, furlonged?

Her: This is what they call it when you get laid off, but you don't get laid off

Me: Have you spoke to people today about people being Furlonged?

Her: Yes

Me: What did they say when you said people had been furlonged, did they say much, look funny at you?

Her: Yes, how do you know, no one really wants to talk about it, everyone must be upset

Me: Yep, that'll be it, dead upset. What do you fancy for tea, horse? 

Her: What?

Me: nothing

 

 

 

 

[Tony Moanero]

18 hours ago, General Dryness said:

They're not great, like.

Never had those ones but Arnott’s biscuits are usually sound. Tim Tam, Monte Carlo and Mint Slice (like Viscount) are boss.

[TheBitch]

Got this dive map on the wall showing all the best sites. It’s not conventional but clearly a map of the world. 

 

I said to her that when this is all over we should throw a dart at it and go wherever it lands. 

 

“What part of the world is that?”

 

”It’s the whole world”

 

*baffled look*

 

”Really? The whole world?”

 

*sigh*

 

”Really”

 

 

[Jose Jones]

34 minutes ago, Tony Moanero said:

Never had those ones but Arnott’s biscuits are usually sound. Tim Tam, Monte Carlo and Mint Slice (like Viscount) are boss.

A world of delicious choice Tone, and she came back with the Scotch Fingers...