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*Sigh* This week was tough. We’re running out of games now and City have almost come through the stretch of games that were likely to test them the most. I’ve said all along that Burnley were our best hope and that’s how it looks now, but it’s a fleeting hope at best. Unlike most, Spurs at least gave it a go on Saturday and can consider themselves unlucky to have come away from the Etihad with nothing. They should have won really as they were the better side, but I can’t help feel that letting City score inside the first five minutes for the second time in four days means they probably deserved what they got. I mean fucking hell lads, have you not been paying attention? Every fucking game they score inside the first ten minutes, so it might be an idea to, y’know, waste a bit of time, take the sting out of the game and, oh I don’t know, call me eccentric, but you could actually fucking concentrate and do your jobs from the start. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to Spurs for putting paid to City’s quadruple bid, but their inability to take any of the good chances they created on Saturday has ruined any credit they’d built up with me. They can fuck off again now. I wasn’t going to ruin a sunny Saturday by staying in and watching the inevitable, so I was enjoying a nice family day on the North Wales coast. I promised myself I wouldn’t even bother checking the score until it was over, but it’s hard isn’t it? Within ten minutes of kick off I was checking the group chat to see what was going on, and surprise fucking surprise, it was already 1-0. Prior to the game we were predicting the time when City would take the lead. Virtually everyone had it inside 20 minutes, but I was closest with 5 mins. It’s just so fucking predictable. At least the Mancs held out until the second half, for all the good it did them (I’ll get to that debacle later though). So I didn’t watch it live and I haven’t watched the highlights either. What would be the point? I’ve seen that movie before and it was shit. I’m not sitting through it again unless there’s a gun to my head. Newcastle are safe now after a routine win over Southampton, who are still probably one game away from being able to relax. Anthony Taylor produced a yellow card when Ward-Prowse took out Almiron on the halfway line. He was the last man and Newcastle had two players running through. I don’t see any way that wasn’t a red card. He’s shite that Taylor. Baldy manc twat. If City pip us to the league, as far as I'm concerned he's the reason why, because he didn't send that bulb headed cunt Kompany off when he chopped down Salah when he was clean through at the Etihad. But that's a rant for another day (hopefully a day that never arrives). The artist formerly known (by me, at least) as “that loser Ayoze Perez” scored three to ensure that Taylor’s incompetence wasn’t a factor as the Geordies ran out comfortable 3-1 winners. Rafa has achieved an awful lot in his long and illustrious managerial career, but turning Perez into a mid-level Premier League forward might even be more miraculous than Istanbul. Staying down at the bottom, Brighton hadn’t scored for five games and they showed exactly why at Wolves. They shithoused their way to a 0-0 while barely leaving their own half. Wolves hit the woodwork twice and had a clear penalty appeal ignored. Brighton tried the same approach at Spurs three days later and it almost paid off for them again, only for Eriksen to win it in the last minute with a shot from distance. That result means Spurs should nail down third spot (deservedly so) and it leaves Brighton in big trouble. Cardiff have the more winnable fixtures and Brighton will probably need to get something on the last day to survive. In theory that’s a good thing for us, but it’s not going to make any difference as they’ve got fucking no chance of taking points off City. Still, I’d rather them go into the game needing something from it than be safe or down. It’s clutching at the flimsiest of straws though. West Ham and Leicester played out an entertaining draw at the London Stadium. Antonio put West Ham in front with a thumping header. He’s a funny one him. He’s generally shite, but when he’s good he’s fucking boss. Speaking of boss, my favourite non-LFC player Jamie Vardy levelled with a sharp finish at the near post. Perez restored West Ham’s lead and then had a good goal incorrectly ruled out for offside. That error was costly as Harvey Barnes equalised with the last kick of the game. Neither Chilwell nor Maddison made the shortlist for the PFA Young Player award. Wan-Bissaka from Palace didn’t get on it either. Maybe they’ll have a chance of getting nominated when they’re a few months shy of their 25th birthday, as that seems to be how it works now. Fucking joke. Speaking of jokes, Jack Wheelchair came on for West Ham in the closing stages. What an embarrassment he is. I genuinely had no idea he was still there. Where the hell has he been all season? *googles* On the treatment table with his glass ankles, again. Has there ever been a more “West Ham signing” than him? What price Studge and Lallana limping down there to sign for them this summer? The four way battle to finish 7th looks like it might go down to the wire. Watford helped their cause with a win at Huddersfield. Deulefeu gave them an early lead with a glorious finish that was so laid back you’d have sworn it was a charity game. Huddersfield’s play in the build up to it was also reminiscent of a charity game. Terrible stuff. Deulefeu bagged another late on and that proved to be important as Huddersfield scored in stoppage time through Grant. Deulefeu has finally added some consistency to his game and he’s had a good season. He’s come a long way since those days at Everton when the club shop couldn’t even spell his name correctly on a shirt. Shame Everton can’t say the same. Bournemouth lost at home to Fulham. Crazy this league. Last week Bournemouth were winning 5-0 away but here they are being beaten at home by a team that's already down. I see Boruc was back in goal. Embarrassing for Begovic that, after he kicked off and demanded to be re-instated, only to completely shit the bed and lose his place again. He was highly rated back in his Stoke days, but took the money to sit on Chelsea’s bench and now look at him. Playing second fiddle to Arthur fucking Boruc. My main take away from this game was that Mitrovic was beaten in a sprint by Steve Cook in the first half. Damn, son. He did win and convert a penalty to win the game soon after, but the stink of being out-sprinted by Cook is going to take a long time to wash off. Onto Sunday and the Mancs suffering one of their most humiliating defeats in decades. They’ve had the odd stinker over the years but when you’re good it doesn’t really matter as you can bounce back and it’s soon forgotten. The state they’re in now though, a performance like this causes shockwaves. The reaction to it was hilarious. Ex players lining up to put the boot in, fans going into meltdown and Solksjaer issuing threats that not one of those players is arsed about. Seriously, he’s about as intimidating as the Easter Bunny. Everton were really good but they looked good against Arsenal too and then lost at Fulham a week later. Don’t let this fool you. Everton are still shit, it’s just that United are much shitter right now. Want to know how shit United are? Theo Walcott scored against them. Yeah I know. Fucking shameful. As a sidenote to this, Martial was guilty of an absolutely horrendous dive. MOTD2 ignored it though, as they were too busy complaining about Salah “going down too easily” while in the same breath calling it a clear penalty. In fairness to Jenas, Keown and Chapman, they were pushed for time as the analysis of how shit and lazy United were could have ran into next week. I was actually angry about how bad they were. Genuinely pissed off. For decades they’ve inflicted misery on us by being too good but when we need them to even be half decent they completely shit down their own leg. I don't care that they lost to Everton, but I care that they looked like such a fucking mess that we all knew there was no chance of them avoiding defeat against City. After their humiliation at Goodison there was nothing more certain than a plucky old “oh well at least they did their best” defeat in the derby. Again though, I’ll get to that in a bit. While United were failing to aid their top four chances, Arsenal were following suit by suffering a rare defeat at the Emirates. Palace have results like this every season, they always spring a couple of major upsets away from home. I didn't see this coming at all, but it wasn't a fluke as they had more attempts on and off target than Arsenal did. Benteke finally scored, although he did his best to miss it, heading it straight at Leno who almost saved it. Funny seeing him do his trademark celebration as though it’s just business as usual and not an even that is becoming as rare as Halley’s Comet. Arsenal equalised with a superbly crafted move that ended with a lovely dinked finish by Ozil. Zaha put Palace in front again following a piece of defending by Mustafi that rivals anything I’ve seen all season in terms of shitness. He’s so bad he could play in Fulham’s backline with Ream and Le Marchand. Absolute donkey. McArthur made it 3-1 when he headed in from a corner. Aubamayeng pulled one back with 15 minutes to go but Arsenal couldn’t force an equaliser. They should have done, but Iwobi produced a fucking risible weak shot from 10 yards that went straight at the keeper. Arsenal are great fun these days. Any time it looks like they might actually be better than you think, they go and lose completely out of the blue. And then when you think they’re really shit, they’ll reel off six wins on the spin. Before then losing out of the blue again, obviously. This last week was just pure Arsenal. An impressive win over Napoli followed by a loss at home to Palace and then getting trounced 3-1 at Wolves. As funny as that was, I can’t say I’m thrilled about Wolves looking this good given that we play them soon. I hoped they might just give up and look to next season after the way they lost that FA Cup semi, but this isn’t a good sign at all. That last game at Anfield is going to be really difficult I reckon. For it to even matter though we’re going to need a favour of one of City’s opponents, specifically Burnley. They went to Chelsea on Monday night and went home with a well earned 2-2 draw. That’s encouraging I guess, although Chelsea aren’t in the same class as City. A great volley by Hendricks put the Clarets ahead but Kante equalised after Hazard had turned Lowton inside out and then outside in again. He was doing that all night. Higuain then lashed one in to make it 2-1 and all this was inside the first 15 minutes. My boy Ashley Barnes then equalised after Burnley won two headers in the box from a free-kick. That’s going to be their best hope against City. Stick it in the mixer and let the big lads battle for it. It all went off afterwards as Chelsea were unhappy with Burnley’s time wasting. I mean seriously, Chelsea getting precious about another team time wasting? After some of the shit they’ve pulled down the years? Hell, they were doing it in the first few minutes at Anfield only a couple of weeks ago. What next, Boris Johnson being unhappy with Nigel Farage for being a horrible racist xenophobic cunt? Burnley are now back to being the Burnley that finished 7th last year. I’ve been saying for weeks that they could potentially give City a game and I do feel as though they’re our last remaining hope now. Sean Dyche is a boyhood Red, and although him and Kloppo have had a few run ins, if he takes any points from City he should be invited round to his hero Kenny’s house for tea. Hell, name the Main stand after him for all I care. Come on Big Sean, fucking get your lads right into these cunts on Sunday. Yeah I know, I’m kidding myself. It’s all but over really but it’s hard to accept after all the lads have achieved this season. Them not winning the league this year would be the cruelest thing I can ever remember. Far worse than the Gerrard slip, and that was traumatic enough. We’ll just have to see how it all plays out I guess. Ok, what’s next? Right, let’s see. On Tuesday night Spurs beat Brighton, which I’ve mentioned, and Southampton and Watford drew. Shane Long scored after seven seconds but the Saints conceded a stoppage time equaliser. I’m assuming that in the 90 minutes between not much happened. That brings us to Wednesday. Arsenal lost as Wolves, as I mentioned, so that just leaves the Manc derby. For my sins I watched this one. My logic was that it was just too important to be able to avoid, and I may as well watch the game rather than just rely on updates in various group chats. So yeah, I watched. At least I did until City scored, and then it went off immediately and didn’t go back on. Loads of the lads in the group chats watched the whole thing, and not only that they were still watching the analysis afterwards. No doubt loads of you did too. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Are you sadists? Not even Roy Keane laying into Pogba and Fred et al is reason enough to keep that shit on. I was fucking gutted and just wanted to forget about the whole thing but it’s impossible isn’t it? This title race has been torture for months. Still, I’d rather have the kind of torture we’re going through than have to suffer the torture United fans are enduring at the moment. Imagine having a midfield three of Pogba, Perreira and Fred. Imagine having to watch those defenders every week. Imagine Pogba being the face of your club. This is the worst United side I think I’ve ever seen, especially given how much money it cost to assemble. From what I saw of the game, Ashley Young was United’s best player, not least because he was one of the few who looked like it meant something to him. There’s a lot to not like about Young, but he puts most of that squad to shame in terms of attitude and commitment. The rest are either fat and shit (Shaw and Lukaku), lazy and shit (Matic, Pogba and Sanchez), talented yet somehow still shit (Martial and Rashford) or just plain old shit shit (everybody else). I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate Jesse Lingard more than I already did. I was wrong. Useless ugly twat. Fuck all of them though, the bunch of fucking crabs. Especially De Gea, the bum. I remember writing a while back that I’d never seen a player in his prime simply fall off a cliff (without any valid explanation, such as a bad injury) quite the way Joe Hart did. I take it back, De Gea since the last World Cup has been fucking turd. Given how great he was not so long ago, the drop off has been fucking massive. The funny thing is that he’s on massive wages and has nowhere to go, because none of the big Spanish clubs need a keeper (or would pay what it would cost to get him). He can’t move anywhere in England either, so he’s stuck there, on his big fat contract, in a team going nowhere. His motivation has gone and it shows. United fans can take consolation in the fact that this result probably stops us winning the title. We can take consolation in the fact that these shit cunts need a complete rebuild but there’s no-one there capable of doing it. “Hated, adored, never ignored”. Yeah, not any more you completely irrelevant gobshites. You’re not even on the top clubs radars anymore. City’s manager taunted you before a derby and THAT was how you responded to it? Enjoy battling with Watford, Wolves and Everton for a Europa League spot next season, you fucking dicks.