Favourite one liners/insults...

[Dr Nowt]

An old boss of mine was a right little pocket zealot, used to mither me constantly because I refused to cut my hair and beard off, which at the time respectively looked not unlike Ricky Villa's - fuck off Stig.

 

I ultimately tired of it and told him he looked like Moby, if he'd fucked music into the bin in his teens and become an insurance salesman.

 

Another beautiful working relationship in tatters.

[stringvest]

A touch of the Downs

[Dr Nowt]

A touch of the Downs

A Downs version of Ricky Villa - exactly mate. Knew we'd met somewhere before TSOP.

[Bjornebye]

I've been pissing myself for the last 20 minutes. Danny Dyer tweeted about the story in the mirror and he had loads of replies, all people saying they support him and the paper is a rag etc then one fella quite brilliantly just tweeted him:

 

"You look like you've had a pot noodle and a wank mate"

 

I don't know what it means but I can't stop laughing 

[General Dryness]

I've been pissing myself for the last 20 minutes. Danny Dyer tweeted about the story in the mirror and he had loads of replies, all people saying they support him and the paper is a rag etc then one fella quite brilliantly just tweeted him:

 

"You look like you've had a pot noodle and a wank mate"

 

I don't know what it means but I can't stop laughing 

 

Means he's a sad lonely twat. i.e. he's cooking for himself and getting no fanny.

 

ETA : Its from The Office, Finchy says it to Brent. Knew it was from something.

[index1000]

An old mate of mine was in the Army (Australian) for years. He told me a funny story about one of his mates , they where both young lieutenants at the time and the Army was going through a 'politically correct' period. They had been advised that only positive  reinforcement was allowed in their yearly performance reviews. Nothing negative allowed.

 

his mates review had one line - ' Lieutenant ******** is an excellent dancer'

[m0e]

If you were Brazilian, you'd be called Bellendinho.

 

Always cracks me up that one

[cochyn]

I'm not saying youre ugly, but when you were born the midwife slapped your mother.

 

When the afterbirth came out, she said 'it's twins'!

[TheBitch]

Slack jawed, swivel eyed loon.

[Trumo]

'Window-licking jamook' is one that I got off this site and have used in real life.

[Dr Nowt]

Boris Johnson being described as an "inside out polar bear caught wanking" never fails to amuse me.

[Dr Nowt]

"I'm not having this shag sack insulting me.  Let him get his drugs out" is also excellent, and apt for appropriation in many varied social situations.

 

Especially when the in-laws are round and one of them is partially deaf.

[General Dryness]

"I'm not having this shag sack insulting me.  Let him get his drugs out" is also excellent, and apt for appropriation in many varied social situations.

 

Especially when the in-laws are round and one of them is partially deaf.

 

That film is especially full of good insults. Love it.

 

"Whats your name, Mac Fuck?"

"Ponce! Perfumed Ponce!"

"You are a toilet trader"

"You beastly little parasite, how dare you! You little thug! How dare you! Beastly, ungrateful little swine!"

"Monty, you terrible cunt!"

[Melchett]

I've often used "He/She has an arse-hole like a half eaten pot noodle".

 

And occasionally "Bet your parents didn't get a birth certificate for you, just an apology letter from Durex".

[Dr Nowt]

That film is especially full of good insults. Love it.

 

"Whats your name, Mac Fuck?"

"Ponce! Perfumed Ponce!"

"You are a toilet trader"

"You beastly little parasite, how dare you! You little thug! How dare you! Beastly, ungrateful little swine!"

"Monty, you terrible cunt!"

It's word sculpture isn't it, you can go through the whole thing time and again just purring at the excellent use of language. One of those rare bits of work which probably couldn't have been any more refined than it is.

 

"Old suit? Just because the best tailoring you've ever seen is under your fucking appendix."

 

"You can stick it up your arse for nothing and fuck off while you're doing it."

 

"He was a dreadful little Israelite. Four floors up on the Charing Cross Road and never a job at the top of them."

 

And on and on it goes.

 

If you're a fan I can recommend Robinson's debut novel, 'The Peculiar Memories Of Thomas Penman'. The lead character is effectively I from Withnail from boy into teenager, without ever making any reference to that, but it's very autobiographical of Bruce's childhood I gather.

 

Never going to be the same of course and a bit of a rites of passage tale, but it bears all his hallmarks. There's plenty of laugh out loud stuff in there, skillful use of words and gruesome humour to keep a fan well entertained.

 

Of course you may have read it already or just not like taking recommendations from a prick, so I'll go now.

[General Dryness]

Actually no I hadn't read that one, so cheers for the recommendation.

 

Withnail & I is one of my favourites. Comes from the college days when we'd get hammered on white lightning, play shit drinking games and always round off the evening with a watch of either Withnail or The Who's Tommy. Good times.

 

ETA : the one from Withnail I always liked was "I bet he's on a tenner a day and I know what for. Two pound ten a tit and a fiver for his arse". Brilliant.

[AngryOfTuebrook]

He wasn't born. His dad had a wank in the greenhouse and the sun brought him on.

[lifetime fan]

You look like a taxi with the doors left open.

[Trumo]

Your mother got a wooden leg with a kick stand, motherfucker.

[Chairman Meow]

Certainly was. Another classic of his was asking a woman if she'd sleep with someone for x large amount of funds and she said she would. He then asked if she'd sleep with someone for x small amount of funds and she asked him what kind of woman he thought she was.

 

He told her what kind of woman she was had already been established, they were now just haggling over the price.

 

I think it was also him who when someone said "if you were my husband I'd poison your tea", replied "Madam, if you were my wife I'd drink it."

 

I think a hell of a lot of the things Churchill is claimed to have been said have either been cleaned up or made up as a lot of them are too perfect.

 

I really hope this one is true though.

 

[Dr Nowt]

She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'.

[m0e]

Haha. Reminds me of one from the bakery industry:

 

You'd need to throw flour at her to see where to stick it in.

[polymerpunkah]

"He wouldn't make a plug for a dog's arse."

 

One of my father's favourites. No idea what it refers to, but the meaning is pretty clear.

 

"She wouldn't say 'shit' if she had a mouth full of it."

 

One of my mothers. A slightly-more-subtle comment on someone she thought was a phoney.

[TheBitch]

She looks as though she's been poured into her clothes, and forgot to say 'when'.

 

That's fucking great that. I'm gonna use that right now.

[Hand Shandy]

I bet your Mum will be delighted.