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Whenever Liverpool win something and I hear people saying stuff like 'I'm delighted for Hendo', I always think I'm delighted all right:

We could have won the title mathematically before all this and the cunts would still be calling for the season to be voided.

Must have missed all the deaths directly correlated to the return of the Bundesliga. Sending the plebs back to work in poorly ventilated offices and packed public transport is a bit different than playing football with no fans where the players are isolated and tested multiple times per week.

You should see the fucking state of me. It's a jungle in here.

It has been confirmed that Everton V Liverpool will be played at a neutered venue - i.e. Goodison Park

He’s been gone too long....... @BBCSport Nathan Jones: Luton Town reappoint former Stoke City manager

I’m so fucking ill today. Constantly feel like I’m gonna puke and my head is booming. It’s like a really bad hangover except I didn’t drink yesterday. I woke my missus up this morning by kicking her repeatedly while I was asleep. She woke me up by getting out of bed and I remembered that in my dream I was having a fight with a giant sentient tablespoon who was being a cunt to me and I was volleying it/him at the exact moment we woke up.

I'm surprised they didn't ask Dave U.

It's just so contrived. If you want to use flashbacks, use flashbacks. The seemingly endless cache of videos makes him seem creepy and obsessive; his missus probably faked her death to get away from him. There's a lot of shark-jumping in the second series. The psychotherapist, the drama group, the yoga instructor, the postman in the bath - it's all bollocks and it detracts from the good stuff in the show.

Hi cunts, Doing a quiz later and this is my round, thought you'd like a try, also gives me an idea if it's difficult or not? Lyrics translated from English to Japanese then through Arabic and back to English. I tried to use languages who didn't share an alphabet so nuance was lost. Rep for any that are first to be right... People come together Wherever you walk And water He grew up around you And accept it soon Soak in bones Exit the cage I am all right Down recommended I want everything It started with a kiss How did you get this? You know that today is destroying the night I swear by day I tried to run She tried to hide. My darling, darling, how should I have known Was this something here? My dear, dear, I shouldn't have let you go And now you can't see, yes. Hey, where did you go? Rainy days In the hollow New Playin Games Laugh and run away. Where I hold my head Turn your face to the wall I cannot continue without it 2 small feet. You hate dirty in that enlightened mess Photographers, hold my arm, fresh cheeky I'm so inconsiderate when I close the Givenchy (Stylin ') dress I shake its rocky knots because I am very possessive. My friend, you are a boy, making a fuss Play on the street and be a giant one day You put clay on your face, you are a great shame Kick your boxes here and there and sing. I have a highway in the dark desert Cold winds on my hair Warm smell of Coritas Air altitude. How many distinguished people will change? How many strange lives do you live? Where were you while we were going up? Good luck and fuck the Tories!

Bet you've missed me moaning about a woman at my work, good news, I'm back. In my team we have to check a sample of each others calls every month, the last 3 months this snidey fucking bitch has marked me as a fail. She's been grassing me up for other things as well (all minor, unimportant shit) but I've been having a bit of a tough time recently with the odd mistake & these 3 months of failed calls has really put me in the shit with my bosses. I had a look and listen to the most recent call fail tonight & she's writing comments about me not saying please & thank you at all in the call when I've quite clearly said please & thanks a couple of times so she's going out of her way to lie & get me in the shit. I have absolutely no fucking idea what her problem is with me but I'm going to go through the three fails with a fine tooth comb tomorrow & make a note of everything she's got wrong & send it to my boss with a recommendation that somebody who is capable of being objective marks my calls instead. Honestly, I've got kids to feed & a mortgage to pay here, I don't need some fucking snide trying to lose me my job. I wouldn't mark my worst enemy down to be honest, I'd maybe mention their calls needed work to them instead. Cunt.

Gary Liniker tweeting “its coming back it’s coming back football’s coming back”: Cheeky jug eared cunt wanted it voided not so long ago, no doubt Ferdinand will change his tune too

The lockdown started on 23rd March. On that day there were 74 new deaths in hospitals and 359 confirmed deaths in total. There were 967 new cases that day. Today there were 377 new deaths and 1,887 new cases.

IT'S HEDLEY!!

Funny as fuck seeing Kuensberg put on mute as she tried to ask a follow up about why tweedledum and tweedlefuck weren't allowed to talk about Cummings. So much for you scratch my back and I'll scratch yours. It's been genuinely amusing seeing how all the folks who used to think the Tories would only ever shit in other people's mouths are now getting a belly full of brown. "The Tories only have a problem with the left wing media". Oh fuck I'm on the shitlist. "The Tories only shit on poor people." Oh wait my business has gone bust. "The Tories respect the rule of law and people who abide by the rules." Oh wait the attorney general is tweeting support for someone who broke the rules. "The Tories look after their own." Oh look Philip Hammond is selling toner cartridges out the back of his jag. "The tories will look after the north." Haha, get ready boys and girls! "The tories look after pensioners, we're their base." Oh look it's another meat wagon. Said it before and I'll say it forever, if you've ever given these cunts your vote, or even the time of day, you deserve absolutely everything that's coming to you.

De Bruyne and Rashford look like All American good guys. Vardy looks like a lager lout in Magaluf denied entry to happy hour in a strip club. Captain Harry looks like he's half way through learning his alphabet. Jiminez looks like a good guy capable of doing bad shit to get the job done. Mo looks villainous as fuck.

I was with you for a while but football coming back is inoffensive in the grand scheme of things. Comparing that to opening gyms/restaurants/workplaces etc... which are breeding grounds for spreading the virus is just off the mark. Restarting these leagues has become an optics issue because people are falling over themselves to declare human life more important than sport. Yeah, no shit, except people aren't really put in more danger as a result of these leagues coming back.

Hey, if Domenic Cummings can go castle watching I can easily pop over, get it, pop back and slip under any quarantine rules and then proudly dispay my treasure along side my favourite seal club. Of course, when I die I shall leave it to the National Portrait Gallery. All I ask is that 'The Rock' face the Canadian Embassy.

I disagree that Everton is a vile football club. It does, however, have a lot of supporters who are so bitter and twisted that they are prepared to stoop so low.

Wait, what? That's the first Ive heard of him saying it was only the first week he was going to miss. Maybe he had to just miss the first week because of all the interviews he was doing saying he wasnt re starting, there was too much risk, he'd rather be broke, if you cannot get straight answers to simple questions etc, etc, etc. I keep saying it, if Deeney or any other player doesnt want to play, dont play. Perfectly understandable given the situation. The issue I have with Deeney is his rowback and now saying he only ever meant the first week. As for his comment about the league's 'integrity' has gone, I think the only integrity that has been shot to pieces, is his.

What has changed is that he's been called out on his bullshit.

Over - Joe Hart. None stop fawning when he was just a lucky keeper who ran out of luck. Under - Ray Clemence. Not by us but by England in my opinion and many others, should have been undisputed number one instead of the camera save Tina shagger Shilton.

Troy Deeney will be remembered for saying Van Dijk smells good.

I always think about me when this comes on...

Definitely easy to follow, they only used one camera.

Bahahahaha, ruined their year with how breathtakingly good we are. The excitement and joy of all those cunts that we might be denied. Yet here we are, about to ruin their summer too, Hahahahahaa. I'm going to be completely unbearable, enjoy it lads.

They're terrified of a remoaner plot to snatch their 'victory' away. Cummings getting binned is obviously just the first step in thwarting their no deal dreams and they're not paranoid weirdos, honest.

The yanks seem to have a penchant for giving guns and badges to people who probably couldn't get a job shoveling shit over here. It in no way compares to any of this obviously, but I've had some of the worst airport experiences in the world in the States. Thick as fuck jobsworths ordering you around like you're a criminal just for having the temerity to be queuing up to board a plane.

When asked about it at a press conferecne shortly after tweeting the word, Donald Trump said: I think that's self explanatory.

Lefty appears to have become a catch-all term for anyone who's not a cunt.

It seems the cunt Olympics have commenced

Under - Lucas.

Decent them Bob.

If she'd have put in one hour a day graft, she'd have it boxed off now and it'd be taking pride of place in one of our homesteads. She needs to pull her fucking finger out.

Like all the great visionary artists down the centuries, she'll be penniless and unappreciated in her lifetime.

The season will only ever be remembered as the one with corona virus. True but if they do think of football nobody will ever forget that Liverpool were 25 points ahead in the league before the virus hit, the biggest lead in football history. So the side won't get the glory that comes with winning the title but at least these lads will always be remembered for pissing all over the rest of the league while they could. It's another story for a club rich with them good and bad. We will get the trophy nobody will ever forget the story. In the end there's more important shit than football and there's definitely more important shit than giving a fuck what other fans think.

Every twatting advert being made on Zoom - cos it’s like we’re all in this together, and it speaks of now. or some advertising wankspeak by some twat who calls himself a creative but actually just watches YouTube and TikTok videos all day while wearing clothes that don’t fit them.

A Bola's a good lad - you can take this one as done and dusted and get working on this kid's song.

Is it easy to follow or do I have to watch the other 1916 first?

Wait until lockdowns over @Dr Nowt you are getting it.

Pubs here open on Monday.

Bloody paparazzi.

I’ve got a couple of smart plugs which connect to my Google Home speaker and make the fan and the lamp in the living room voice activated. I had a Chromecast set up too to make Netflix, iPlayer, etc on the telly voice activated but it’s not great. I ended up reaching for the remote anyway to find exactly what I was looking for. I moved that into the kids room because they think it’s great and they’ve got another Google Home in there. Also got them one of those smart bulbs so that their bedroom light is voice activated and they can dim it, change the colour and set it to disco mode. Mrs Turdseye has made them promise not to have the light turned on red in the evenings. All those thermostats, doorbells, kitchen appliances and stuff look absolutely mad. I’d love to try them but I’m in a rented house so most of it is out of the question.