The world of a woman.

[TheBitch]

6000 miles away from my Mrs and she's asking how to use the hose. Is it possible to get another 6000?

 

Edit: Miles. Not Mrs.

[Trumo]

6000 miles away from my Mrs and she's asking how to use the hose. Is it possible to get another 6000?

 

Edit: Miles. Not Mrs.

 

I hope you told her to look at the nozzle when turning it on. The hose that is, not your charm!

[TheBitch]

I hope you told her to look at the nozzle when turning it on. The hose that is, not your charm!

Missed a trick here. She would definitely have gone for that.

[Harry Squatter]

 

My mate said he went the Trafford Centre yesterday and he left his wallet in the car after they had got to the till in a shop. Him and his Mrs had to go out and walk for ages in the car park and his Mrs was just moaning at him and pissing him off bringing every mistake up he'd made for the past 5 years. He said he lost his rag with her big time and she stormed off. It reminded me of this scene in Jackie Brown minus the storming off.

 

Every man has been here at some point.

[Oh Buoy]

Woke up in the middle of the night and just pissed all over the floor - tried to wipe it up with some tissue but the roll wouldn't unstick (new bog roll) and thought I'll do it in the morning. 

 

She gets up straight after me and notices the big puddle of piss next to the bog and goes "what's that on the floor? I think the toilet is leaking - for fucks sake". 

 

She now wants me to call a plumber to get it fixed but can't bring myself to tell her what happened so just pretended to call someone. 

 

Told her I'll fix it when she's at work. 

 

Fucking hell.

[Bob]

Woke up in the middle of the night and just pissed all over the floor - tried to wipe it up with some tissue but the roll wouldn't unstick (new bog roll) and thought I'll do it in the morning.

 

She gets up straight after me and notices the big puddle of piss next to the bog and goes "what's that on the floor? I think the toilet is leaking - for fucks sake".

 

She now wants me to call a plumber to get it fixed but can't bring myself to tell her what happened so just pretended to call someone.

 

Told her I'll fix it when she's at work.

 

Fucking hell.

Scruff.

[Captain Turdseye]

Woke up in the middle of the night and just pissed all over the floor - tried to wipe it up with some tissue but the roll wouldn't unstick (new bog roll) and thought I'll do it in the morning.

 

She gets up straight after me and notices the big puddle of piss next to the bog and goes "what's that on the floor? I think the toilet is leaking - for fucks sake".

 

She now wants me to call a plumber to get it fixed but can't bring myself to tell her what happened so just pretended to call someone.

 

Told her I'll fix it when she's at work.

 

Fucking hell.

I pissed all over my own leg before bed last night. You know when you’ve spunked and your next piss shoots out in different directions? It was like that only I hadn’t had sex and it was just one little offshoot spraying piss straight downwards. Tried to stop/start but it kept happening so I had to do a sit-down wee. Proper freaked me out.

 

Nervous moment this morning when I went to the loo for the first time.

[Oh Buoy]

I pissed all over my own leg before bed last night. You know when you’ve spunked and your next piss shoots out in different directions? It was like that only I hadn’t had sex and it was just one little offshoot spraying piss straight downwards. Tried to stop/start but it kept happening so I had to do a sit-down wee. Proper freaked me out.

 

Nervous moment this morning when I went to the loo for the first time.

 

Sometimes it doesn't even need to be sex to have the garden sprinkler effect. 

 

There's been some close calls in public bathrooms where it could have ended differently. 

 

There's only so much time you can stand at the hand dryer trying to angle your crotch up to dry the piss marks. 

[Evelyn Tentions]

I pissed all over my own leg before bed last night. You know when you’ve spunked and your next piss shoots out in different directions? It was like that only I hadn’t had sex and it was just one little offshoot spraying piss straight downwards. Tried to stop/start but it kept happening so I had to do a sit-down wee. Proper freaked me out.

 

Nervous moment this morning when I went to the loo for the first time.

Should be on the "things that make you realize you're getting older." (or whatever it is) thread

Just be glad you're not pissing over your feet half the time

[Anny Road]

Shagged some bird I met in a pub at the weekend and when I asked did she want another go she asked did I mind if we just cuddled and slept.

Apparently it was so lovely just being in bed with a real man who did not snore all night.

[Ginny]

Mrs always nagging me about the age old “leaving the toilet seat up” and always shouting at me to put it down etc... I asked her if she would ever consider leaving it up for me every now and again to even things out. She just laughed of course. So after every use of the toilet now I put both seats down. The actually toilet seat and the toilet lid. So both of us have to lift the seat when we go for a piss now - I think I’ve evened things out a bit. It’s the little wins that count innit fellas!

[Paulie Dangerously]

Shagged some bird I met in a pub at the weekend and when I asked did she want another go she asked did I mind if we just cuddled and slept.

Apparently it was so lovely just being in bed with a real man who did not snore all night.

 

"Well Sharon, the first one was so bad I didn't bother letting him have another go"

[Anny Road]

Right, so I snore. Always have. I'm not really much overweight (although I'd like to lose a stone, max). But I'd like to try and stop or reduce my snoring if possible. Sometimes I snore so loud I wake myself. And my gf is too polite but I know I'm waking her. If you Google it, the world and their wife will try and sell you the secret remedy, but obviously they have a fairly obvious motivation for doing so.

Forumites, how can I reduce my snoring? Pro-tips from other snorers would be appreciated. Sarcastic unhelpful insults, moreso.

  

"Well Sharon, the first one was so bad I didn't bother letting him have another go"

[Oh Buoy]

A woman you meet in a pub probably isn't a woman. 

[Evelyn Tentions]

Mrs always nagging me about the age old “leaving the toilet seat up” and always shouting at me to put it down etc... I asked her if she would ever consider leaving it up for me every now and again to even things out. She just laughed of course. So after every use of the toilet now I put both seats down. The actually toilet seat and the toilet lid. So both of us have to lift the seat when we go for a piss now - I think I’ve evened things out a bit. It’s the little wins that count innit fellas!

lived in a share house where blokes outnumbered females by about 4 to1. Guess which lid position was "correct".

[Anny Road]

A woman you meet in a pub probably isn't a woman.

For the record I never shagged anyone. In case the wife reads this. Twas a reference to the snoring thread. Quite unsuccessfully.

[sir roger]

For the record I never shagged anyone. In case the wife reads this. Twas a reference to the snoring thread. Quite unsuccessfully.

 

I got it, Anny

[Anny Road]

Tough crowd eh.

[Guest]

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

My gf has an odd sized bed. It's not a double. Something slightly narrower than a double. So my usual curl up on my side takes up a lot of room.

 

I might buy her a double bed. We were in IKEA the other day and she said she wanted to replace her bed with this fucking SINGLE bed that pulls out into a double. Which is CLEARLY going to be less comfortable than a normal bed. I mean, it's just common sense. Coupled with the fact that my sister owns this particular bed in her box room and I have slept on it. It's fine for visiting for a day or two but it's not what you want as your main bed.

 

As well as that, her bedroom is pretty big. There's heaps of empty floor space. She doesn't need more floor space.

 

But it's 'pretty' *rolls eyes*

[Jose Jones]

So you went bed shopping with your girlfriend to buy her a new bed, and she chose a single one?

Not looking good this, is it mate?

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

So you went bed shopping with your girlfriend to buy her a new bed, and she chose a single one?

Not looking good this, is it mate?

Haha. She also wanted to buy binbags.

[manwiththestick]

And a dilly from Ann Summers

[Rick Sanchez C-137]

She just text saying we need to talk. I can only assume it's to make plans to go see Infinity Wars. I'm excited.

[Trumo]

She just text saying we need to talk. I can only assume it's to make plans to go see Infinity Wars. I'm excited.

 

Be prepared to find bunkbeds.